GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #721: TMI

 There aren't a lot of cool things about being me, but there are a few, and they're pretty solid. One of my favorite things about me is something I share with Chuck Palahniuk.

A while back I wrote about meeting him for the first time (I've seen him twice). He told a story, which I'm not going to go into again, about how people view him as someone they can tell their weirdest and dirtiest and sickest secrets. He supposes it's because he wrote "Guts." If he could write a story like that, there's no way he's going to judge these other people.

It's tempting to say that people are the same way with me because I wrote something like Dong of Frankenstein, but it's honestly been this way all my life. Perhaps it's the way I conduct myself? Or maybe I just have a trusting face? Whatever it is, people will tell me the weirdest things about themselves. The dirtiest things. The sickest things. And I won't ever tell anyone else. I won't even mine it for writing material, although a lot of times I wish I could. People will confess things to me that they would never, under any circumstances, tell anyone else. Sometimes not even their spouses. Often times they're 100% sober.

It's an oddball gift, and I'm here for it. I'd give examples but, well, you know. It's stuff like this that makes this whole existence thing worthwhile at times.

NOW ANNOUNCING DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN AND OTHER PORNOS YOU CAN'T JERK IT TO!

 

A while back New Kink closed its doors, and Dong of Frankenstein went out of print. It's a shame because it's the one I'm asked about the most. Well, it's back! This volume also contains other horror erotica stories that are out of print:

-"Zero Recall"

-"A Market for All Things"

-"The Knot That Binds"

Check it out here!

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #510: REDEMPTION

The true hero of The Walking Dead

 

I'm a sucker for a great redemption story. The farther a villain goes, the better before they try to bring themselves back to humanity. The purest form of it that we're going through right now is Negan on The Walking Dead. He brutally and graphically murdered the second most beloved character on the show, and now that he's seen the error of his ways, he's trying to be a good man. To say nothing of poor Abraham. No one remembers that part. Everyone cares about their sacred baby Glenn.

So I've adopted the same stance through much of my writing. I'm bringing Dong of Frankenstein back into print, hopefully before the year is done, and it will be accompanied by other out of print stories. One of them is "Zero Recall," in which I detail the crimes of a horrible rapist/murderer, and yet I somehow bring him back from the brink to the point where people who have read the story feel bad for him. I'm doing this on a much grander scale with my forthcoming SF novel, Eye Cutter. You'll see what I mean when it's released.

So I found myself wondering a while back why that kind of story is so interesting to me, and when I was preparing my piece on why people hate the Star Wars prequels, I figured it out.

Darth Vader has done a lot of horrible things, up to and including the murder of children. Does he deserve redemption? Maybe. Just maybe. Because he fell under the sway of someone far more evil than he. Many of the things he did were done because he truly didn't understand the situation. It was easy for Palpatine to manipulate him into becoming the ghastly thing known as Darth Vader.

Who sees this possibility of redemption? His son. Luke tries to save his father, and holy shit, it actually works. (Spoiler.) It works to the point where Vader saves his son's life at the cost of his own and kills Palpatine. Yes. Kills Palpatine. Because that guy never comes back. Ever. If they made a ninth Star War, he absolutely, most certainly wouldn't come back as the villain because Vader definitively kills him in Return of the Jedi. Permanently.

The end of Return of the Jedi infected me with a joy in this kind of redemption arc. I can safely say that it changed my life. Because I've done some pretty bad things over the course of my life. I've said vile shit that I shouldn't have. And I'm trying to be a better person every day. If someone like Darth Vader can come back from the evil he committed, then my own redemption should be a breeze.

Taking it like a champ!

OK, some of you think Rick should have let Negan die when he slit his throat. And yeah, Negan did some bad shit, too. But think about why you like Rick and hate Negan. I call Negan the hero of the show because at least he has no illusions about himself. Rick and friends are absolutely delusional in thinking they're the good guys. If you hadn't spent so many seasons with Rick and Daryl and Glenn and T-Dog (RIP, you sweet bastard) and the rest, and the characters you followed for all those seasons instead ran into Rick and Co., you would recognize them as the morally bankrupt pieces of shit they really are. Negan said that his only regret, when he killed Glenn AND ABRAHAM, is that he didn't just kill all of them. I was kinda hoping he would. Hence the reason I call TWD Negan and Friends.

Also, when Negan comes to realize what a bad guy he really is, he genuinely feels bad about the horrible things he'd done. Can you imagine, even on Rick's most optimistic day, that Rick would ever even think about doubting himself?

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #493: CANCEL CULTURE

 GOOGLE! GOOGLE! ON THE WALL! WHO'S THE BIGGEST BESTSELLER OF ALL?

Yeah, that's the answer I expected. A bit of a, uhhhhhhh, weird author photo, but you answered my question. I have an audience participation question, as much as I can in this space. Who are the loudest people who screech about cancel culture? I have an easy answer for you: people who have some pretty big platforms.

James Patterson is the most recent of a pack of assholes who claim that cancel culture, or wokeness, is destroying the writing community. He says that white male authors are losing jobs because of the so-called phenomenon. That's coming from someone who has never lost a writing job in his life.

(I saw someone mention on Twitter that he couldn't get a job writing his own books, which made me laugh.)

How can someone in such a powerful position make such a tone deaf statement? Well, it's pretty common. Congress is a hotbed of people screaming about being silenced in front of an open mic for the entire country to hear. Same goes for Fox Opinions. I'm not seeing a lot of silencing going on, here. Probably because they need a boogeyman for their fans, constituents and viewers, so why not make one up that will make everyone fear that they're next? It's got mass appeal, after all. Self-interest is one of the most motivating forces on the planet, so why not make people think that's going to be taken from them against their will?

Here's the key to not being next: stop being an asshole. You are not being silenced. You are doing the exact opposite of Mark Twain's advice. To wit: "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." Now, if you really were being silenced, you'd be detained, murdered and quietly buried in a long stretch of lonely desert. 

This is what being silenced looks like.

So I'd like to hear you stop blubbering about the First Amendment.

But to get back to creative endeavors, where I started with Patterson, one of the things I hear the most is that wokeness means not being able to push the envelope anymore. There is only an approved set of things to write about, and if you stray from that, then you're canceled. Which, by the way, is not true. If it was, I would be in deep doo-doo. For Dong of Frankenstein alone, I'd be hung from the yardarm.

I identify with Bobcat Goldthwait a lot, mostly because he makes extremely offensive movies and yet doesn't have people coming after him with pitchforks and torches. Dare I say he's a man of Questionable Taste? Look at World's Greatest Dad in particular. That is some dark shit right there, offensive on so many levels. But why listen to me talk about him. You can read his own thoughts here, and you can see what I mean.

So why is it that he and I don't get those pitchforks and torches I mentioned earlier? I have a theory, although I can only speak for myself. Very little of my writing comes from a place of hatred. Some of it comes from anger, which leads to hatred, which, eh, you know where I'm going with this. But for me it more or less stops at anger, and it's always in reserve for people who take advantage of the powerless, corrupt politicians and the corporate overlords who pull their strings. I think, if you read Poor Bastards and Rich Fucks, that comes through pretty clearly.

All right. Rant over. Probably.

Sorry. False alarm. That is all.

Just kidding. There is one more thing.

The funniest thing about cancel culture is when Fox Opinions exploded over Dr. Seuss being canceled. I wonder sometimes if they even listen to their unhinged rants. First of all, never happened. The Estate decided to pull one of his books from publication because maybe, just maybe, children's books shouldn't have the n-word in them. Secondly, I seem to recall when they were trying to ban Cat in the Hat, in particular Peter Roskam. What was it Jesus said about those who should throw stones?

PSA: MY GOOD DEED FOR THE DAY

 If you are not like me, meaning a small press author facing bankruptcy, then this post will hold zero interest for you. Feel free to skip this one. However, if you are indeed like me, this is going to be essential reading.

I've had a horrible run of shit luck for the past, I don't know, decade. It keeps getting worse and worse until this year finally broke me. I went crazy several times, and I made a slew of horrible and uncharacteristically bad decisions. Some of them were pretty public. Others I kind of kept to myself, more because it might hurt someone else instead of me. If it hurts just me, I put it out there. It's my self-therapy.

One of the worst things ever happened to me in January this year: for the first time since I was 18, I found myself without a job. Having worked so long in technology companies, I decided to look for a similar job. The problem is, I'm 42, and no tech company wants a middle-aged guy working for them. Heed this warning, youngsters: when working square jobs, your expiration date is your 40th birthday. I've been trying to get a new job for a long time, and all I got were warehouse job offers. I am not just middle-aged, I am also disabled. I get around with a cane most times. I explicitly state in my resume that I can't stand for 8 minutes, much less 8 hours. But HR always skips that part because they see I can operate a forklift. (Which I can, but I never got my license. So yeah, if you need me to illegally operate your forklift, count me in. Pay me under the table if need be. Taxman don't need to know shit.)

Needless to say, my money ran out. I lived on the kindness of friends and family. I am ever so grateful for those who lent me money in this difficult time. This disaster led me to do the thing I swore I'd never do: I cashed in my 401(k). I was able to pay back everyone, and I had some money to throw around for a bit. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten into drugs and sex workers quite so much, but it's been a tough fucking year. Give me a break, all right? But I still have a good sum of money pigeonholed as a last line of defense as well as a decent chunk of savings.

Unfortunately I also had a stack of bills thick enough to gag an elephant on. I decided to file for bankruptcy. I just got around to putting in an appearance with my lawyers today. I have no real estate. No assets of any worth. I don't even own the bed I sleep in at night. The only thing I had that I feared my creditors might take away is my car, a 2012 Honda Civic (bought when it was still the year 2011). Yet at the same time, there is so much damage to that car, and I rode that thing into the ground over the course of almost a decade. I figured if they had one look at it, they would just forget the whole thing.

IF YOU GOT LOST IN THE EXPOSITION, THIS PART IS THE PART YOU REALLY, REALLY NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO IF YOU ARE A SMALL PRESS AUTHOR FACING BANKRUPTCY.

The attorney asked me if there were any other assets, or if I had copyrights on anything that would get me royalties. I said that I was an author of several books, but I wasn't making much money at it. Who among us really does? But I felt it necessary to mention that because when people hear you're an author, they think you make Stephen King money.

She asked me how much my royalties are, so I told her. She thought about it for a moment, and then she said, "Yeah, I don't think they would be interested in those books as assets."

Wait a minute. Losing the rights to my books was on the table in the first place?! Well, yes. And yes, I am focusing on the brighter side of her statement to me, and not the negative connotation that I'm kind of a loser. Hm. Maybe I should make this out in big caps for those who are skimming.

IF YOU ARE A SMALL PRESS AUTHOR FACING BANKRUPTCY, IT IS A VERY REAL POSSIBILITY THAT YOUR CREDITORS WILL WANT TO TAKE THE RIGHTS TO YOUR BOOKS AWAY FROM YOU.

Granted, it probably won't happen. But if you make better royalties than me? I'd step very fucking lightly, my friend.

Here's another thought, though. If my creditors really did want to take my books away from me, what the fuck would they do with them? There is a small perverse side of me that kind of wants to see what the holy shitstain fuck they would do with a title like Poor Bastards and Rich Fucks. Or how about Tales of Questionable Taste? You know, the one with the space giant fucking the sun on the cover? If only Dong of Frankenstein was still in print!

Well, I'm pretty sure I'll walk out of this with my books still belonging to me. But I never even imagined that the possibility of me losing them was even a part of bankruptcy. Armed with this knowledge, I am doing my good deed for the day. I know a lot of you who read my posts are fellow authors, and I know some of you are probably doing better than me financially. May these words of wisdom find you well.

BOOK SALE!

My short-term disability check may have finally cleared, but I'm still in deep water with my creditors. While I'm doing this week of shameless self-promotion, I figured I'd dig into my own stock and see what I've got. Sure, you can buy these through Amazon, but if you buy them from me, you can get them signed. If I can physically put these books in your hand, there is no shipping charge. If I have to mail it, though, there will be a $2 shipping charge. So here's what I've got. If you see something you want, let me know. First come, first served.


--BLOOD (8 copies) $10 each


--STRIP (1 copy) $12


--STRANGE SEX 3 (1 copy) $7


--DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN (1 copy) $5


--TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE (1 copy) $10


--ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG! (2 copies) $10 each (contains "Pack Rat")


--POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS (1 copy) $10

POST-PRINTERS ROW SALE

The Printers Row show in Chicago is my favorite place to sell books, and once again I have been very lucky. I sold out of almost everything. The following is a list of everything I have left, but I'm giving you Printers Row prices. Each is $12 (plus shipping, unless I can hand deliver to you), or if you go with the 3 for $30 deal, you don't have to pay shipping. Act fast. These books are all I have.


--DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN: 1 copy

--STRANGE SEX 3: 1 copy

--STRIP: 1 copy

--POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS: 1 copy

--ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG!: 2 copies

BOOK SALE

It's been a while since I posted my books for sale. Here's a list of everything I have. Books are $10 each. If I can't physically place them in your hand, there will be a shipping charge. Dong of Frankenstein is $8.


ATTENTION: I have found a dinged copy of And Jesus Came Back. $5, first come, first serve.


--TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE: 5 copies


--DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN: 2 copies


--AND JESUS CAME BACK: 2 copies (not including the dinged copy)


--STRANGE SEX 3: 3 copies


--THE DOCTOR . . . IS IN: 4 copies


--ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG!: 2 copies

BOOKS I HAVE IN STOCK

If you see something you like, let me know. $10 each or 3 for $25. There will be a shipping charge unless you live close enough for me to hand deliver to.

-AND JESUS CAME BACK: 5 copies


-THE DOCTOR IS IN . . . 4 copies


-DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN: 2 copies


-TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE: 5 copies


-STRANGE SEX 3: 3 copies


-ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG!: 2 copies

BOOKS FOR SALE

Whoo-boy. Looks like I'm not going to be able to pay all my bills this month. I have a substantial tax return coming soon, but it's not going to be in time. So . . . time for a book sale! Have you ever considered buying one of my books, but you've never gone through with it? Now's the time! I'm offering this sale for the rest of April. You're never going to beat these prices, so now's the time to jump in. Here's what I've got:

-STRIP: 2 copies, $10 each

-TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE: 3 copies, $8 each

-DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN: 5 copies, $5 each

-ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG!: 2 copies, $8 each

-STRANGE FUCKING STORIES: 1 copy, $8


If you live close enough to me for hand delivery, that's cool. Otherwise there may be a shipping fee. I'll have to find out what that is and get back to you. If you see something you like, please let me know. Thanks!

BOOKS IN STOCK

It's been a while since I posted what I have in stock of my own books in case you want to buy directly from me. I'll even do the 3 for $25 deal that we usually do at conventions and book festivals. Otherwise they're $10 each. (Or, if you're just buying DoF, $7.) If you live close enough to me that I can hand deliver it, cool. If not, shipping charges will apply. If you see something you like, let me know.

-STRIP: 2

-TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE: 3

-POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS: 1

-DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN: 6

-STRANGE SEX 3: 4

-ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG!: 2

-STRANGE FUCKING STORIES: 1

WANNA BUY A BOOK PERSONALLY FROM ME?

I just did a book fest in Morris, IL, and it was not as successful as I was hoping. Right now I'm sitting on a treasure trove of stock. If you want to buy from me directly, let me know. Everything is ten bucks, or I have a 3 for $25 deal. My stock is as follows:


-STRIP: 2 (You should really buy from me. If you go to Amazon you'll be charged an arm and a leg. With me it's either $10 or cheaper if you go with the 3 for $25 deal.)

-TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE: 3

-POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS: 1

-DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN: 7

-STRANGE SEX 3: 4

-ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG!: 2

-STRANGE FUCKING STORIES: 1


I also have one more thing. It's not included in the 3 for $25 deal, though. I have the very last copy of STRANGER DANGER by Kevin Strange and Danger_Slater that you will find on the market. Go look at Amazon. See? No one's even selling it used. This book is out of print, and while you can purchase the novellas within separately, the likelihood of this book ever going back into print in this form is very, very slim. It is also signed by both Kevin and Danger. This is a super collectible right now. I could be a dick and charge $100 for it, but you can have it for $15. That's right, for $15 you can have the final copy of STRANGER DANGER for sale.


Let me know if you want some books. If you don't live close to me (so I can hand deliver to you), there might be shipping charges. If it's just for one book, I'll eat the cost, but if you want more than one I'll have to find out how much that costs.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #186: THE WRITER'S BLUES

This is the beginning of week two of me not writing anything worth a damn. Or at all. That doesn't happen to me often. I know, I feel like one of those guys who can't get it up for the night and try that lame ol' excuse, but in this case it's true. I might write 2,000 words in a day, and at the very least 500 of them will be worthwhile.


Last week: nothing. A few sentences, all of it shit. When I try to move on to something else, I get the same result. Shit. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to call myself a writer.


I've got a great idea for a story, except I don't have a story. I have a situation. I have characters. But I don't have a story, and that's pretty fucking important. It's also a pretty timely idea, what with all of the gun violence that is getting coverage these days. It's like we're living in the Wild West again. Granted, I'm a huge fan of westerns, but I'd rather not actually live one. (Unless it's at the Wild West Show in Union, IL. I love that place.)


But no story. So I can't do it justice.


I tried a couple of other projects. Nothing. There's a book that was going to be published at a company that went out of business before they could put it out there, and I've been thinking of doing it at Riot Forge mostly because it's, uh, a romantic crime story, and no one knows what that means. But I look at it, and I can't make any sense of it.


I also had a good idea as to how I can bring back my vampire book from the grave (ha ha), but I'm still not getting any signals from the lizard portions of my stupid brain.


A week of nothing but shit writing work from me. What caused this? Well, it's not hard to figure out. One week ago I began my new job. It is taking up my entire life right now. I'm trying to cram insanely technical facts into my head because I know that very soon I'm going to have to use them, and I won't have a lot of time to hunt and search for them on a shared drive. I'll need them immediately to deal with customers and carriers alike.


I always say that the only thing worse than working is not working. This is true. I lusted after this job, and now that I've gotten it, it is giving me headaches.


Fear not. I will get over this. When that day comes I will no longer be wallowing in this pit of writing despair. When I get a grip on this madness I will conquer it and get back to writing fucked up things that got me fired from my previous job like DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN and POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS. Or possibly "Attitude Adjustment," my statement on the horrors of the PC office. But probably not that last one. I doubt my HR department read it. It doesn't have the same ring as DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN or POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS.


I know I won't get back my writing abilities until I finally fit my round peg into this job's round hole, but that won't stop me from trying, even though I just got two rejection letters today. Fuck.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #174: DO YOU WRITE FUCKED UP SHIT LIKE I DO?

So many of you know that I was fired recently because my former HR department found out about me writing fucked up books like DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN and POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS. Something has been working at the back of my brain. Unfortunately I don't know how to proceed because I don't know shit about starting a nonprofit organization.


I live and work in Illinois where you can be fired for any fucking reason in the world unless you 1) are part of a protected group or 2) you have a contract with your employer. That means that if you wear a black shirt and your boss doesn't like black shirts, you can be fired. Or if you think the Cubs are better than the Sox when your boss is a Sox fan, you can be fired. Or . . . well, you get the idea.


There are a lot of states like this. I think it's bullshit, but I guess being the boss is included in being a protected group, so what the fuck do I know? Anyway, I looked into taking legal action. I signed a paper saying that I can't sue the company, and in exchange for that I would get my severance. I had to make a really bad decision, but I needed the money so I signed. I figured that meant I signed it under duress. Turns out, the legal world has a very different definition of the phrase "under duress" than the rest of us. According to them signing something "under duress" means that I would have to have a physical, literal gun to my head while signing the paper. I consulted three lawyers. Two of them didn't know enough, and the third was pretty sure I couldn't do anything, but at least he looked into it. They decided not to take the case.


Here's the thing: I think it's unfair to fire someone because they moonlight as authors of fucked up fiction. Just so long as that other life doesn't interfere with the job life, I should be able to write whatever the fuck I want. If I want to write about Frankenstein creating his own man just so he can have sex with him, then by Christ I will.


Here's what I want to do: I want to create a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping authors who have been fired from their square jobs over the fiction they write. I don't know the first thing about setting this up. All I know is it's got to be nonprofit. It's got to be a charity. I want to help people who are in my position. I want them to have legal recourse. I want them to have at least some kind of stream of income while they're down on their luck. In other words, I don't want people to suffer like I have.


I remember several conversations with other authors of fucked up shit. Over the course of these discussions they have told me that they write under a pseudonym because they don't want to be discovered by their places of employment. I never understood that. I figured it would be fine because the author life very rarely has an impact on the square life. I was wrong. It happened to me. Even though I just got hired at another place I still feel the pain from being fired for something I wrote.


I just want to help authors. Anyone have any suggestions?

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #30: SOMETIMES I DISGUST MYSELF

Many of you may be aware that I'm working on a story called DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN for MonstErection, an imprint of StrangeHouse Books that publishes monster porn. Tonight, I wrote a scene for this one that kind of rocked my brain. I couldn't believe I was doing something like this. There are a few times I had to wonder if I was crossing a line or not (and if *I* have to wonder that, chances are good that I'm crossing a line). But then again, some of the images are so incredible, I can't help but pat myself on the back.

To the future readers of this story (should MonstErection publish it, of course), I'd like to say that there have been things I've chosen not to write. That may sound hard to believe, but it's true. There have been some pretty nasty ideas in my head over the course of my life, and there are some that are so vile that not even I will write them. For example, I thought I might want to do a story about an alternate universe, in which NAMBLA actually stood for North American Monster Boy Love Association. OK, so it's easy to see a guy like Freddy Krueger being a member, but think about Jason and Leatherface and Chucky and all those guys wanting to fuck boys because they love them. Yikes.

Speaking of fucked up shit, I got confirmation tonight that Robert Tannahill completed a new COCAINE! BROS. strip. I haven't read it yet, but from what he says, I'm pretty sure it will be depraved. I don't know when we'll post it, but I'll let you all know.

PS: there is a very gleeful part of me in regards to that DoF story I'm writing. Mary Shelley would do a spinner in her grave. Percy Shelley might like it, but Mary? [pulls collar nervously]