GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #767: BOSTON LEGAL

 

Over the weekend I watched the series finale of Boston Legal. It never seemed like a show that I would be interested in. Lawyers and courtrooms and such. Not my cuppa. But I was hanging out with a friend of mine, talking about how much I loved James Spader on The Blacklist, and he said I should watch Boston Legal. He mentioned one scene in particular. Spader is in the men's room taking a piss, and Candice Bergen walks in. She's one of the name partners, and he's fairly new at the firm. Moments after he zips up, he offers his hand to shake. She says that he should wash his hands first, and he replies, "I assure you I keep an extremely clean penis." Which is such a Spader thing to say.

I had no idea that everyone on this show is Spader-crazy in their own individual ways, and the show gets crazier and crazier the longer you watch it. At many points over the course of its five seasons, characters mention that they're on a TV show. At one point a new character is introduced, and William Shatner insists that he's no one important, or he would be in the opening credits. Then, when we get the opening credits, there's the new guy! Or when Spader wonders what they're going to get up to next season. There's a scene where one of the characters actually sings along to the Boston Legal theme song, which is weird because there are no lyrics. He just makes the sounds and bops his head. And in yet another scene, a character talks about a great show that is currently on the air and barely stops short of actually saying "Boston Legal."

I really wish I'd watched this show when it was actually live on TV. Spader's courtroom speeches are monologue masterpieces because it's not all about sheer lunacy. It's about injustice and how the system is geared against regular people in favor of corporations and government. So you can see how the moral message of the show really appealed to me.

But what I really want to talk about is the friendship between Alan Shore (Spader) and Denny Crane (Shatner). It explores a side of male friendship that often goes unexplored. These are two men who genuinely love each other, and it has nothing to do with sex or romance.

Yes, it is possible for two men to love each other, and it's not about sex or romance. Not only is it possible, it happens a lot.

And for fuck's sake, don't call it a bromance. What a cheap way of referring to something quite beautiful.

They tell each other of their love for one another. They have sleepovers. (You think I'm kidding about the sleepovers?) When Denny is afraid to have his head scanned for Alzheimers, Alan gets the test done first to show there's nothing to be frightened of. They have matching Halloween costumes (my favorite is the flamingos). When they realized they were too old for military duty, they broke their backs trying to get into any branch of the military that would let them in (and the National Guard took them!). They even hold hands sometimes.

Those of you who know how the show ends might mention one thing to me. It's a SPOILER, so tread lightly.

Denny does has Alzheimers, but he's been calling it Mad Cow Disease since season one because the alternative is unthinkable. He wants to make sure that when he's gone, Alan gets everything. So in a frantic moment Denny asks Alan to marry him. Alan would get every penny, no taxes taken out. At first Alan is reluctant, but then he figures, what the hell? And after a legal battle, they actually do get married. The show ends with them dancing on the balcony they usually end each show on, drinking Scotch and smoking cigars. And that's when I wish one of them had said to the other, just before the credits rolled, "Sleepover?"

There's a thing going around about male loneliness. I suppose I can sympathize, but I can't empathize. I have never been lonely a day in my life. Alone? Plenty. But I like being alone. So I have no idea what loneliness is like. I've been blessed with a lot of friends, which is really weird because that was not always the case. The first 20 years of my life? Not many friends. Very few. I could count them all on the fingers of one hand.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should start a business and teach people how to be alone. Or maybe do a self-help thing where I teach people how to attract friends. It's not that difficult. I have never tried to attract more friends, and I have an abundance of them. I think it's a matter of not coming off as miserable, that's all.

But I think a shortcut to that kind of thing is to simply watch Spader and Shatner on Boston Legal. I find it interesting that, politically, they're opposites. This was back in the old days when the left and the right weren't constantly at each others throats and denigrating each other and not giving a fucking inch to the other side under any circumstances. They disagree on those kinds of things all the time, but it doesn't hurt the love they have for each other. Alan often defends the poor, which Denny finds appalling. Denny often has at least five guns on him at any given time (and the means to turn his flatulence into a flamethrower if needed, and I am absolutely not kidding about that) and has shot people, sometimes on accident, which Alan thinks is insanely irresponsible.

But these two men love each other.

Of all the fucking shows that get reunions, why not Boston Legal? It's the only show I can think of that I would like to find out what happened to these characters. Reunion shows are almost always a waste of time. I don't like them on principle. But I would make an exception for this one.

Are Alan and Denny still dancing? I like to think so.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #44: WHY DO WE DO IT?

Do you realize how strange the act of asking for an autograph really is? It's fucking crazy. I've been on both sides of this one. I've asked a lot of people for autographs, and I've been asked many times for my own autograph. I still can't wrap my head around it, even though I've been meeting writers, actors, etc. who I've respected for a long time.


There's a part of it, I think, which exists to prove to other people that you did, indeed, meet this person. Hey, I hung out with James Marsters or Reggie Banister and his band, and here is my proof! But at the same time, it doesn't matter to other people, because an autograph can be forged. It only matters to the person who gets the autograph.


There are those who get things signed just so they can sell it on eBay or Amazon or whatever. I'm not here to talk about them. I'm really curious as to why we get these autographs for OURSELVES. I've been doing it for so long, I don't even know why I do it. It feels like the right thing to do, I guess.


But it goes deeper than that. When I attended Wizard World Chicago, one of the autographs I wanted the most was from Karl Urban. I wanted him to sign my copy of DREDD, because he is easily the best Judge Dredd we can ever get. But . . . well, I got a lot of good people. Michael Jai White, John Carpenter, Joel Hodgson, J. August Richards and so many more. I really wanted Urban, and I really wanted Elvira. Elvira's line was soooooo fucking long it would have taken two hours to get to her. Urban, on the other hand, had a scheduled signing. I showed up at that specific time, but apparently, he'd given up and wasn't signing shit. It bothered me. I really wanted to get him.


Why did I want that so badly? His autograph doesn't change the movie one single iota. I'm going to enjoy it whether or not it has his signature on it. Why was this so important to me? It bothered me for the rest of the day, and if I'm being honest, it still kind of bothers me. I don't want it to bother me, but it does.


I got Leinil Yu. I almost didn't, but I have Jon Lennon to thank for that. If he hadn't directed me, I probably would have left without finding him. I didn't expect to get Norman Reedus or William Shatner or Stan Lee or Bruce Campbell or anyone like that because they charge too fucking much. (I did get Rooker, though, because he kicks ass. HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER is a great debut movie, and it still has an incredible effect today. As an aside, I told him that I'd never been disappointed by him in a movie. Ever. And he said, "Well, there's always the first time." And that surprised me, because he's such a confident alpha-male that I wouldn't have expected such a self-deprecating response from him. It just goes to show you that even the toughest of actors still feel that nagging self-doubt.)


I'm getting off-topic, though. I want every book and movie and CD that I own to be signed, but I don't understand why. Is there anyone else out there who can explain this for me? I'm in the dark. On the opposite side, I'm happy to sign anything that I've done. Yet at the same time, I don't understand why my fans want that, either. Why do we do any of this? This question is directed toward both my fellow autograph hounds and my fellow authors who sign our own books to fans. Anyone?

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #43: WIZARD WORLD CHICAGO, ER I MEAN CHICAGO COMIC CON, OR WHATEVER

A long time ago, in this very galaxy, I used to write comic book reviews for the Elmhurst College LEADER. I was the first of my kind, apparently. No one in any other college wrote comic book reviews (at least in Illinois), and I won an honorary mention for my efforts at a state-run journalism contest (run in conjunction with the Chicago TRIBUNE).


I don't want to get all weird and suck my own dick or anything, but I never really considered myself a reviewer in those days. I wrote about books I wanted people to read, because they were fucking awesome. I very rarely wrote a negative review. It comes from my history of wanting the best comic book reading experience possible.


I never planned on becoming a comic book convention attendee, but it happened all because I wrote a critical letter to Brian Pulido, the guy who created Evil Ernie and Lady Death, among other great Chaos! characters. I thought Evil Ernie's books had lost the plot, and I wrote a ten page letter explaining all the cool shit the series had done, and all the terrible things that were ruining the story at the time. A severely edited version was printed in one of the EE books, and I was named Fiend of the Month. Shockingly enough, Brian listened to me. He came back to writing the character he created, and he put EE back on his path. He also called me up at home and talked to me about the experience. I couldn't believe it. I actually spoke to one of the three guys who got me back into reading comics. It was an amazing experience.


Even more amazing: he invited me out to Wizard World Chicago that year, my very first comic book convention. I didn't know what to expect, but after walking around the place for a day, I got the hang of it very quickly. I also got to meet another of the three guys, Garth Ennis, for the first time. In fact, I got to meet a couple of guys who were doing a great indie book at the time, one of the first of its kind that I'd found by myself. The book was called BATTLE POPE, and the guys were Robert Kirkman and Tony Moore, before the rest of the world knew who they were. I can't tell you how awesome that first con was.


The next year, I knew what to expect. I knew which creators would be there, so I loaded up on my comics and brought a bunch of them to be signed. Every con since, my backpack has been full of books I wanted to get autographs on.


For the first time since that first year, my backpack is very, very light. That's because the emphasis has been taken off of comic books and has been placed on pop culture figures. I like guys like Stan Lee, Bruce Campbell, William Shatner and the rest, but my main reason to go to these things is to meet the people who create my favorite comics.


This year, there were only two big name comics guys I wanted to meet: Rafael Albuquerque, who co-created AMERICAN VAMPIRE, and Leinil Yu, who did a couple of books with Mark Millar. (I also want to get my WEAPON BROWN omnibus signed by Jason Yungbluth, but I've met him before. These other two guys? I haven't.) Then, Albuquerque had to step down. For the first time since the first time, I have almost no comic books to bring with me. Just Yu's two series for Millar, and I don't even know if I'll be able to get to him.


I have a few other things I want to get pop culture icons to sign, but it depresses the hell out of me that comic books have taken such a backseat at the con that got me started all those years ago. To those who have read my con coverage in the past, you might recall that I thought last year I'd give up on WWC and just stick to C2E2, which is a far superior show. Yet . . . I find it hard to quit the one that started me on this path. Besides, I have friends at WWC that I don't usually get to see the rest of the year.


Fuck.


To those who remember, I'm still SWORN TO THE BLACK.