"WHY AREN'T YOU BETTER?!" A review of ONCE UPON A TIME IN 1972

The first thing one notices about this movie is its packaging. Look above and you will see it looks like a floppy disk. It FEELS like a floppy disk. That alone is an awesome selling point. But as soon as you pop the DVD in your player and see the opening credits, you know this is a hell of an homage to the ‘Seventies.

Writer/director Chris Lukeman clearly has a love for the seventh decade of the last century. Even the film quality seems like cleaned up ‘Seventies footage. The one interior set looks like it could have been your grandparents’ house. The “special effects” are even old school. When most crews would have gone to CGI, Lukeman sticks with good ol’ fashioned puppetry and green screens.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN 1972 is the tale of Springheel Jack, who uses robotic springs to get around. He fights robots with the help of highly sophisticated (for the ‘Seventies) weaponry and with information contained on floppy disks. He comes upon a robot (maybe not FORBIDDEN PLANET old fashioned, but perhaps a descendant) stalking a woman, and being the typical hero, he must save the damsel in distress.


The story is lackluster, but this isn’t about content. This is about style. Ordinarily, such exercises are unforgivable, but as it is a short film, it is worth it. Where the movie really shines is with the dialogue. At one point, as Jack is getting his ass kicked by the robot, the damsel in question shouts, “Why aren’t you better?” Between taking blows, Jack replies that he didn’t think he’d given her the impression that he knew what he was doing.


That seems to be the theme in this film. Very few, if any, of the characters know what they’re doing at any given time. They’re just flying by the seat of their pants, which is contradictory to the idea of heroism back in 1972, but it adds flavor.

There is another moment when Jack, cocky with having defeated (for the time being) the robot, decides to crack wise. The damsel looks at him in horror and demands to know why he’s joking at a time like this. Which is the way it would probably happen in real life.


The acting is kind of blah, but it was probably meant to be that way. Jonathan Harden, who plays Springheel Jack, comes off most times like the title character in MATTHEW BLACKHEART: MONSTER SMASHER. In other words, like a Bruce Campbell wannabe. But again, in context it makes sense.


The true star of this DVD, however, is the fifth commentary. The cast and crew got together and decided to play a drinking game while watching the movie. The idea was to take a drink each time a ‘Seventies reference is made. It becomes very clear in the first minute that they take EVERYTHING to be such a reference. They get rip-roaring drunk within minutes. This alone is worth the price of admission.


ONCE UPON A TIME IN 1972
Written and directed by Chris Lukeman
Produced by Kill Vampire Lincoln Productions
13 minutes
2011

[THERE ARE TWO ADDITIONAL SHORT FILMS AS SPECIAL FEATURES ON THIS DISK.  CHECK OUT THE ONE ABOUT UNICORNS, AND YOU WILL LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF.]

FUTURE BOOZE JESUS 2

Welcome back to the Future Booze Jesus advice column! Very soon, FBJ will be available for children’s parties, so keep your appointment calendar nearby! He does not charge money, but he will expect to be paid in Wild Turkey 101. And believe me, you won’t find a better teacher; he will make sure your kids learn how to drink lots of shots and put their peers to shame! Sure, five-year-olds probably weren’t made for games like Edward 40-Hands, but with the help of FBJ, they will be ready for their high school and college years! Now, for questions and answers . . . .

Joey asks: “What the fuck is Yoda? You never see any other members of his species in STAR WARS. Is he a mutant?”


Future Booze Jesus says: Yoda was born 856 years before we met him in EMPIRE. Jaffa the Hutt, an ancestor of Jabba, had stomach problems after an evening of eating nbinriwoprfnit, and he shat out a turd about three feet tall. It turned out to be a sentient shit, and it soon learned the ways of the Force. After 113 years of being called Turd by his peers, he moved to the Dagobah system, where he reinvented himself as a great Jedi master. He named himself Yoda and waited for his peers to die off and for the world to forget him. He then re-emerged and quickly gained respect as a holy man. Oddly enough, Salacious Crumb was born the same way, but he took a different path. NEXT QUESTION!

Work Wife asks: “Will I ever find the mythical unicorn? And if so, will I be disappointed?”


Future Booze Jesus says: You fool! You will never find the mythical unicorn! Myths don’t exist! However, you will find a non-mythical unicorn on the eve of your 96th birthday. Unfortunately, it will be dead and very disappointing. You will bury it in your backyard, and three thousand years later, an alien culture will dig it up and find only the horn. The aliens will then masturbate furiously with it. NEXT QUESTION!


Potsy asks: “There was once a time, I think it was called HAPPY DAYS, when all the kids respected their parents and enjoyed malts and stuff. Will there be a woman president in the next 20 years?”

Future Booze Jesus says: Technically, no. But there will be a transsexual president elected in 2020, and “she” will present herself as a woman. It will actually be the actor who played Ralph Malph. There’s a lot you don’t know about that guy, Potsy. A lot. But that’s OK. In 2020, YOU will be the First Gentleman of the US, and by then, you will understand.


That’s all we have time for this week. Tune in next Friday for what will probably be the final advice column, unless we get more questions, of course. You can post them in the comments below, if you so desire. Next time, we’ll find out the true nature of alcohol and the brain cells it supposedly kills and what happens when you try to strangle an infant relative.