I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this will be the final installment of Future Booze Jesus. It has recently come to my attention that I have hypertension and diabetes. This means that I’ll have to stop consuming just about everything I love. I am a broken man, and the world will suffer for this. But that’s another story.
Fear not. I am not quitting the booze. Just cutting back. The doctor says that I am allowed 2 alcoholic drinks a week. Now that’s just silly, and it’s not going to happen. But I can no longer go on epic binges, like I usually do at the end of the week. Or in the middle of the week. Or on any day ending with a –y. No more excess means no more Future Booze Jesus, for it is only then that he comes out of my head.
I was just going to make the announcement and move on when I noticed there was still one question unanswered. On my final evening of boozing heavily, I allowed FBJ to take over, and this is his final piece of advice for the world.
Jon M. Lennon asks: "A friend of mine was groped by a midget in a public library! Should I tell him to kill himself or should I do it myself?"
Future Booze Jesus says: YOU FOOL! Your friend must not be senselessly murdered! He should be venerated! To be groped by a midget is a great honor. Such incredibly good luck has befallen your friend. This means that he is graced by no higher power than my old man. He is destined for great things. President of the United States seems too small for the likes of him. Emperor of Earth has a nice ring to it. Support him in all things. Worship him, if necessary. But not too much. Remember, I’m the star of this show. Don’t make me go Old Testament on your ass.
There you have it, folks. The end of Future Booze Jesus. He was here for such a brief period of time before he was crucified by horrible health problems. He leaves behind this advice column, the video shot by Mike Navarro on my Facebook page, and a metric shit-ton of memories. I hope you were there for some of them.
Who knows? Maybe when my tolerance is lower, it won’t take so many drinks to get him out of my head. Pray for the Resurrection.
Future Booze Jesus will be resurrected! One day he will descend upon us from the sky and vomit whiskey all over his legions of loyal servants! Then all will be right with the universe again!
ReplyDeleteYes! This day must come! This is in the Bible, right?
ReplyDeleteYeah its in Revelation 2.0!!!But seriously man you should bring FBJ back in comic form! With me or Perez drawing it!!!
ReplyDeleteThe legacy Future Booze Jesus leaves behind is immeasurable. Anyone who has the balls to come out and just say all things free-minded and leave all inhibitions behind is legendary to me. I'm glad I shot my own video of FBJ so I'll always have the memories around. But let's not forget "future" is in his name. Therefore I, too, have a feeling he will return. When? Who the fuck knows. Next question!
ReplyDeleteBut you don't need the booze John...the Future Jesus was inside you all along! In your heart. I pray for the resurrection.
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