Saturday, July 30, 2016


Some of you know that I've been out of work for more than a month. I was recently hired at a new place, and the HR department asked me for three interesting facts about me so they could email them out to the others. I thought that would be easy because I've led a crazy, weird, interesting life.

And then I realized that just about all of it is NSFW.

I probably shouldn't tell them about the time I had sex with a burn victim and she shit all over me. Or maybe the time I became Future Booze Jesus and predicted that an asshole I knew would never get herpes, unfortunately. Or maybe the time I serenaded a blow up doll during a karaoke show to Elvis's "I Want You, I Need You, I Love You." Or about the time that pancreatitis almost killed me. Or the time I beat a DUI. Or any of the books I published that got me fired from my last square job, like DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN or POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS.

I've done a lot of crazy, fucked up shit in my life. Most of it people would find interesting. HR departments tend to find that shit reprehensible. They find it offenses to fire people for.

Maybe I should have told them about the time I almost got my throat slit for nothing. Or maybe I should have brought attention to THE COCAINE! BROS. Or to the time I had a gun pulled on me. Or to the time a woman almost raped me.

Maybe I should talk about how I was severely beaten as a child by a man who got a Section 8 discharge from Vietnam. Do you realize how difficult that is? In Vietnam almost everything went.

Or how about the time my step-mom and father negotiated with a stripper over the price of a lap dance for me?

Or how about the time I lost my virginity? Nah, I won't do that. I promised the person who set that up that I would never tell a soul. He's dead now, but I would not betray that trust even now.

I've had a fucked up life. It's fucking weird, but I'm kinda grateful for it. My biggest rule for life is to never be boring. I've got so many fucked up stories to tell it's actually amazing.

It was a struggle, but here are the things I came up with for HR:

1. I won an honorable mention award from the State of Illinois journalism competition for writing comic book reviews.

2. I once chased down the mayor of Chicago like a dog because a friend of mine (and publisher, Nick Day) wanted a photo with him.

3. I once got slapped in the face with a bag of candy by Chuck Palahniuk, author of FIGHT CLUB. (He also nailed me with a plastic severed arm with his signature on it, but I felt it was inappropriate to mention that in a company email.)

It did the trick. One of my coworkers loves C2E2 and was impressed by my comic book coverage. Another coworker thought it was awesome that Palahniuk nailed me in such a fashion.

I might have been hired in the right place. I give it a 90% chance. I think I'm going to be good for the next 10 years. I never make it to the 10 year mark, so I figure I'll be fired about a half-month before I get there, I'm prepared for some good times.

Goodnight, fuckers.

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