Dear Disney,
First I want to congratulate you on bringing the Skywalker ennealogy to an end. I had some problems with that final film, but overall I enjoyed it, and it made you a lot of money. Congratulations.
So, where do you bring Star Wars from here? The Mandalorian seems to be keeping you busy, and I know you're going to do a bunch of one-off films, but what's going to be the next trilogy? You know you need one to keep people interested.
Well, you're in luck. I have a pitch for the next trilogy, and it's going to have you rocking back in your seat with heads like Adam Bomb from the Garbage Pail Kids. Strap in, because it's going to get your dicks so hard they might break off in your pants. That goes for lady boners, too. Ready?
Get this: THE EMPEROR IS STILL NOT DEAD. Whoa, right? The audience would never expect that. He's really in hiding, and this time he is building a fleet of Super Death Stars. Shit that could blow up entire galaxies even if they are far, far away. Could you imagine the damage a fleet of Super Death Stars could do?
Of course we have to wait maybe twenty, twenty-five years to make this trilogy. The Emperor has to be in hiding a long time. In the meantime, the enemy could be the Second Order, or whatever. It doesn't matter what we name it. No one is paying attention, anyway. I wonder if we could get that one guy from The Walking Dead to play the evil general. What's his name? Doesn't matter. The show is red hot. Anyone would be perfect.
In this future, Rey has become a Jedi Knight (even though the Jedi have ended). She has taught a bunch of new people with the requisite amount of midichlorians to do the same kind of space ninja shit . . . wait. No one liked the midichlorian shit. Never mind. They're all just special people with the ability to use the Force. Yeah, that's the ticket. Anyway, the Emperor's evil forces Rey to go back to Tatooine to get those lightsabers, but hold up! The Mandalorian already swiped them! Yeah, he's a Sith Lord now, and Rey has to turn him back to the Light Side of the Force. Jedi Ghost Ben Solo shows up and gives her advice on how to do that. By the end of the new trilogy, they'll have to face off and "kill" the Emperor all over again. Throw Finn and Poe a bone by having them have to enter one of the Super Death Stars to blow up all of them at once. There's a switch in all of them, I bet. Rose who? Oh yeah, her. The fans hated her. Let's relegate her to Jar-Jar status like in episodes two and three.
You're welcome, Disney. I'll just sit here and wait for the billions of dollars to be dropped off at my place. Good talk, guys.
Best wishes,
John P. Bruni, BS
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