GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #306: JOHN BRUNI GOES TO WHITE CASTLE

 Before I start this, I have to tell you that I love White Castle. They have the best fast food mozzarella sticks, and I love their chicken rings. Or course, chicken doesn't naturally come in that shape. A friend once said that it was made from the Flesh of the Chicken Snake. Which is perfect. The honey mustard that goes with it is exquisite. The burgers are lame unless you eat them immediately (they don't travel well). The fish burgers are great. I think I've defended them enough here.

Also, I shudder to think where Harold and Kumar would have gone if White Castle didn't exist. All I know for sure is they wouldn't have gone to Arby's. Probably Taco Bell.

I only order one burger from their drive thru. They are glorious if consumed right away. And yet every time I go up to their speaker . . . things don't go well.

Me: "I'd like a cheeseburger--"

WC worker: "How many?"

"ONE cheeseburger." And then I continue with my order. It happened so much that I felt that I needed to change the way I asked

Me: "I'd like ONE cheeseburger--"

WC worker: "Fifteen cheeseburgers?"

Me: "NO. ONE cheeseburger."

I'd try again at another location.

Me: "I would like ONE cheeseburger--"

WC worker: "Fifty cheeseburgers?"

Me: "NO. ONE CHEESEBURGER."

This has happened maybe twenty times in the last few months. I can't get my head around it. The only thing I can think of is that I am the only one ordering one fucking cheeseburger from them. Don't get me wrong. I've ordered ahead for a Crave Case for burgers for my job when I had one. But when it's just me, I only want ONE fucking cheeseburger. I can't be more explicit than that. Why do WC workers insist that you are wrong about having one cheeseburger, that you need enough to feed the entire state? This happens at EVERY FUCKING WHITE CASTLE AROUND ME. It's like you have some kind of mental illness if you only want one of their cheeseburgers. I need White Castle to understand that their cheeseburgers fucking blow if they are not eaten right away. If you wait until you're home, then you have a mouthful of puke to chew on for a while. That is never fun. All I fucking want is ONE cheeseburger to eat right away, on the road, as I drive wherever I am headed. Am I as bad as Osama bin Laden if I wanted only one burger? I don't want to scream at these workers because I know that food service is a hard place to keep your sanity. But I've given my meager order only to be confronted by a fifty dollar charge. When I said why does a three-piece mozzarella stick, a six-piece chicken ring, and one cheeseburger cost fifty dollars, they look at me like I'm the bad guy.

"You ordered a hundred sliders," they would say.

Gritting my teeth, reminding myself that food service sucks and doesn't pay well, I tell them, "I ordered ONE cheeseburger."

"They're in the oven right now. I need to speak to my manager."

At that point, I give up. I go to McDonald's, where they are absolutely shocked that anyone wants even one of their burgers.

*sigh* I need to get laid.