I remember a few years ago a friend tried to get me into Vikings by showing me the first episode. At the time, it did not resonate with me. I could not connect with it. Fast forward until recently. I gave it another try, and it hit home perfectly. Watching it now is the perfect time for me to watch it. Because it has given me a lot to think about.
Before I continue, I need to make it clear that I believe the Vikings were insane motherfuckers. Their idea of the afterlife is that they get up every day and fight each other to the death, and when the fighting is done, they all get to dine in Odin's hall. To be fair, no one else came up with that shit. Vikings did. Everyone else has their own ideas about life after death, and none of them involve battle and food quite like that.
In case you don't know me, I'm an atheist. I believe that when I die, I'm dead. I also believe in the cycle of life. When I'm buried, maggots will feed on me, and so the transfer of energy is complete. And then they will grow up to become flies, and frogs will eat them. And then some fish or whatever will eat the frog. And a fisherman will eat the fish. And the fisherman will die and be buried, and so the cycle comes around and the new cycle begins. I won't care. I won't be here to care.
But I think about those Vikings, and I think about myself. Ultimately, I think I've been considering the whole thing from the wrong perspective. My run of bad luck is about a decade old. Now I am disabled, and I'm in a lot of constant pain. But here is the very interesting thing about Vikings: they feed on all out fucking life. They take pleasure in everything, even the horrible parts of life. They fear no death, and they enjoy life to the fullest.
That's where I went wrong. When I learned that I was going to be disabled for life, I could think of nothing to make me feel better. I think of the Tool song which states: "Was invincible. Now my armor's wearing thin." I used to be invincible. I was a force of nature. I wish you all knew me in my early twenties instead of the useless middle-aged man you know now.
I'm pretty sure you have all seen Apocalypse Now. I can't imagine a person who hasn't, but just in case, find it. Watch it. Sit back and enjoy the lunacy that made that movie. My favorite part is Kurtz's speech near the end where he says that he has made friends with horror. I have decided that I am going to make a friend of pain. Gregory House says that life is pain. It is. For me, at any rate. So now that I know only heroin can make that pain go away for a while, I can safely say that not using it will make me a friend of pain.
I have wallowed in self pity long enough. I thirst for LIFE. I want more. As the song says, "More, give me more, give me more." Fuck this shit. I'm not here to be miserable. That would be a waste of the life I have. I am here to enjoy myself. I'm here to have fun. I refuse to let my problems weigh me down into the ever-drowning mud.
I can't work out like I used to. So I'm going to find a new way. A way suited toward disabled people like me. I'm going to stop wasting my life in my bedroom trying to escape from my problems. I am going to suckle at the teat of life and take as much as I fucking can, because goddammit I deserve it. I have exiled myself for long enough.
And to all the bullshit that rains upon me, I say that I want life. AND I WANT FUCKING MORE OF IT!
I still fear no death. It happens to us all, and I'm ready for when it comes. I used to fear the process of dying, but I don't anymore. When death comes for you, all you can do is face it. Nothing more. I might regret that I didn't have more life. But it won't be a concern for me.
Because I need life. I need it. And more importantly, I want it. You may recall that I said that I wanted only to live long enough to make it to 60, just so I could beat my parents. But fuck it. I'll take all I can get. More, give me more, give me more!
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