So I had occasion recently to feel like Walter White. No, I didn't become a meth kingpin with a ridiculous amount of corpses under his belt. It was all about a fly.
I don't know how it happened, but before I got my hand surgery my kitchen got infested with flies. They were fucking everywhere. They even got in my my refrigerator, and I have no idea how that happened. My brother suspects that it was because of the crisper. I had to wonder about that because I have never, in all my time living in this place, thought about the crisper. That's because fruits and vegetables go in crispers, and I don't eat those wretched things.
It occurred to me that my brother doesn't, either. So no one would have looked in the crisper since the last time my grandmother did. She's been gone for more than a year, and near the end she wasn't one to poke around the fridge. I can only assume no one has been in the crisper for years.
Maybe it was that. I don't know. But I spent days on end killing flies in the kitchen with a rolled up Fine Print, which is the Elmhurst Public Library's periodical. And every day I fought the flies, one always got away. It's sheer madness to think it's the same fly that eluded me every day, but I think it really was the same.
It made me think of this episode of Breaking Bad. Granted, my kitchen doesn't have a scaffold for me to fall off of, but just about everything about the situation made me think of Walter White.
And that motherfucking fly was a bastard, too. He knew what I was up to, what I wanted. That piece of shit divebombed me every chance he got, and he only landed on things he knew I'd destroy if I tried to hit them. Or it would backfire on me. Like the ceiling fan. Or a window. Etc., etc., etc.
I never did get him. I don't know what the lifespan of a housefly is, but I imagine that scumbag getting away like Kevin Spacey at the end of The Usual Suspects.
It would be nice to go an entire summer without some kind of insect infestation at my place. Whether it's houseflies, ants or bees (yes, BEES), I'm sick of being Walter White.
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