Imagine you're in the Mexican town of Puerto Triunfo. Just hanging out. Maybe you're on vacation. You want to see the sights a little, so you wander off the beaten path and HOLY SHIT! WHY ARE THERE FUCKING HIPPOS IN MEXICO?
An excellent question, as they are native to Africa and shouldn't even be in this hemisphere. How did they get there? And why are there so many of them? 170 to be exact?
One man's hubris, of course. It's always hubris behind these kinds of things. Except the man in question this time is Pablo Escobar. Back in the 'Eighties he bought a lot of animals and created a private zoo for his own pleasure. Among those animals were four hippos. All 170 are descended from them, and if this keeps up, they may number in the thousands soon.
When Escobar was killed the zoo became a tourist attraction because, and I can't believe I'm saying this, the former drug kingpin's estate was turned into a fucking theme park. Disneyland. Universal Studios. Oh yeah, and Escobarland. The zoo is still there, but the hippos, for whatever reason, were able to escape and reproduce. They are now considered an invasive species with no natural predator. If hippos have a natural predator, I have no idea what the fuck that would look like. They're damned near impossible to kill. Good thing they generally don't eat meat.
The problem has gotten so out of hand that authorities, who for some reason unbeknownst to anyone have done nothing over the decades since Escobar's death, have decided to sterilize them and/or euthanize them. I can't imagine what that operation must be like. Could you imagine anesthetizing a hippo so you can clip its tubes? Picture that for a moment, and you'll realize the sheer insanity of that.
Nothing is sane about this story. Nothing. This shit got out of hand fast, and it's only going to get crazier. They plan to sterilize 40 hippos a year. Each sterilization costs ten grand and requires a team of eight. How feasible is that?
I've had all kinds of infestations in the places I've lived. Cockroaches, ants, flies, even bees one year. I can't wrap my mind around a hippo infestation. Who could? Can you grasp that?
I guess the lesson here is, if you're going to be a drug kingpin, don't buy hippos no matter how much you want to. And you might want to. Also, make sure that when you're gunned down in the future to leave property that the authorities can turn into a theme park, please and thank you.
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