Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the Devil. And when He fasted forty days and forty nights, afterward He was hungry. Now when the tempter came to Him, he said, "If you are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread."
But He answered and said, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.'"
Satan laughed. "Eh, just fucking with you, kid. Kinda weird that your Dad sent me to see if you'll flake on Him. Seems pretty insecure to me."
Jesus said to him, "It is written again, 'You shall not tempt the Lord your God.'"
"I get it. Family's family. You're a pretty loyal guy. And you seem to have humanity's best interests in heart. But you really haven't thought this through. They're going to kill you for trying to pervert Jewish holy law. Not 'might kill you.' I'm saying 'will kill you.'"
Jesus said, "I will never fall to my knees and worship you no matter how much you offer me."
"I'm not offering you anything," Satan said. "And I don't want you to worship me. But I think you'd change your mind if you knew what I knew."
Jesus said, "The mouth of Satan issues naught but hot air."
Satan smiled. "That's quite an insult from you. I like it. I'm offering something to humanity instead."
Jesus turned away, prepared not to listen to the Devil's words.
Satan swept a hand across the horizon. "BEHOLD!"
Clouds swirled in the miasma covering the universe. Jesus saw visions of the future. He saw dictators murdering millions in the name of Jesus Christ. He saw politicians oppressing people in the name of Jesus Christ. He saw intellectual bankruptcy in the form of book burning and banning in the name of Jesus Christ. He saw millennia of people doing billions of terrible things to their fellow humans all in the name of Jesus Christ.
"All of this will come to pass," Satan said. "All because you thought you were doing the right thing. And you were. Indeed, you were. It's not your fault that others took your mission and perverted it in the name of evil."
"That's almost funny coming from you," Jesus said.
"I have always been on humanity's side," Satan said. "From the Garden of Eden. Unless you think Knowledge of Good and Evil is something to be withheld from sentient beings. And now I'm trying to save the world from all the terrible things that will be done because you mindlessly followed your Father's instructions. True evil is taking the Lord's name in vain. And that doesn't mean saying 'goddammit,' for example. It's doing evil in the name of the Lord, pretending to be good. Think of the countless lives that will be saved if you turn away now."
Jesus shook and watched as more horrors played out before his very eyes, and he realized in that moment that all the shit in the world outweighed the good of sacrificing himself. Now that he thought about it, his Dad wouldn't have come up with some bullshit like this. Creators aren't interested in the morality of their creations. If God wanted to change a rule, then He should just change the rule. In fact, why have rules in the first place? It sounded like something that humanity would come up with, not a creator.
Jesus sighed. "OK, I won't go."
The Devil clapped him on the shoulder. "That was the kindest thing you could have done."
Jesus disbanded his disciples. He stopped wandering the earth performing miracles. He married and had kids and lived a very long life. He died an old man surrounded by his loved ones. And while humanity didn't live happily ever after, as religion still existed, they had a much better go of it than they would have otherwise.
THE END
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