Before we begin, no, I have no intention of ever going to Texas. I'm not likely to even fly over Texas, so I wouldn't even crash land there. So I feel safe in saying FUCK THE ALAMO.
When I was a kid I enjoyed The Alamo, the John Wayne western, and I even enjoyed the Dennis Quaid version years later. It's a great story of how plucky Americans can be even in the face of certain death. A lot of men sacrificed their lives at the Alamo, and that makes for great tales. And then, of course, there's the ending when the others (Paladin played Sam Houston!) tracked down the evil Santa Ana and ended his reign of terror in the Republic of Texas, by God.
The problem is, you're not getting the full story. The truth of it reveals these men to be craven scumbags of the lowest order, and it's very easy to see Santa Ana as the doomed hero of the story. To know why all of this went down, you have to know a little history.
Spain constantly tried to colonize what we now know as Texas in the 17th century. When Spain tossed out their religious nuts, like England did with the Puritans, they planted their flag near what is now El Paso. But the indigenous peoples managed to wipe them out. Unfortunately Spain had a seemingly limitless supply of holy psychopaths, and they really wanted to hold the land they claimed. They were very concerned about the French presence in what is now Louisiana, so they felt the need to keep trying until they finally succeeded.
And then, like we did with England, Mexico cast their Spanish masters aside and declared independence. At the time Texas was a part of Mexico. To encourage settlement the Mexican government did something incredibly stupid. They invited Americans to live in Texas. They were literally *giving* land away. Free land! Unsurprisingly Americans soon outnumbered Mexicans by a considerable amount. 30K Americans to 7800 Mexicans?
But there was a catch: any American settling there would have to convert to Catholicism and give up their US citizenship in exchange for Mexican citizenship. None of the Americans did this. When the Mexican government started adding restrictions to make the Americans yield, the Americans ignored the restrictions, too.
There's one other thing to know. The Americans in question were mostly drawn to Texas because of the cotton crop. Add to that the fact that these Americans were all Southerners living before the Civil War. Are you starting to see the major problem here?
Because Mexico outlawed slavery. And these Southern Americans found that the only way to really work their land was to use slave labor. So not only did these arrogant bastards ignore conditions that were put on their ownership of the land, they also brought slavery back to Mexico.
Those sons of bitches who died at the Alamo died not for freedom or some vague sense of pride. It's much more perverse than that. THEY DIED FOR SLAVERY.
So fuck the Alamo and fuck every single American who died there. I hope a meteor lands on the Alamo.
I would also like to state for the record that it's not too late to give Texas back. I'd love to see the look on Greg Abbott's face when he realizes he's no longer an American citizen.
Texas has one saving grace: Joe R. Lansdale and family. End of list.
I'm not the only one with a distaste for the Alamo. If you have the book, Razored Saddles, edited by Lansdale, you should look up Scott Cupp's story, "Thirteen Days of Glory."
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