PREAMBLE
(that means introduction)
We the Oligarchs of the United States, in order to form a perfect Union ripe for the picking, establish Justice (for white landowning men only), insure domestic Trankwi . . . Trenqwill . . . fucking calm, provide eyewatering amounts of money for "defence," promote general Welfare and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves (and no one else) and our prosperity? No, that's not right. Uhhhhhhh our kids and our kids' kids and their, etc., do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
ARTICLE 1
SECTION 1: All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States, which shall consist of a Senate and House of Representatives, all of which are owned by their corporate sponsors.
SECTION 2: The House of Representatives shall be composed of Members (evil tee-hee!) chosen every second year by the Oligarchs of the several States, and the Electors in each state shall have the Qualifications requisite, and the Electors in each State shall have the Qualifications requisite for Electors of the most numerous Branch of the State Legislature, ensuring that we only have to deal with the politicians we bought and paid for. To be a Representative, you must be 25 at least and have lived in the United States for at least seven years. You also have to live in the state you're running in, beyotch. Yeah, let's skip the old timey talk. No one wants to hear that shit. I don't even know what most of these words mean, anyway. So here's where we learn that the number of Representatives depends on the number of people in your state. And by people, I mean white people. You get one for every 30,000, so states can have different numbers, but they are all required to have at least one. If one of the Democrats get busted for raping a child at a pizza place, then we get to do a writ of election to fill that vacant seat (good riddance, scum!) You know, I don't feel so bad about those big words now. The Founding Fathers apparently thought "choose" was spelled "chuse." And they capitalize weird words. What a bunch'a maroons.
SECTION 3: Each state gets two senators. You gotta be 30 years old at least, lived in the country for nine and must live in the state you represent. Which sucks because who the hell wants to live in Georgia? You mean you can't be a senator for GA and live in the much more reasonable Delaware? When will the woke madness stop? The veep gets to be the president of the Senate, but the veep doesn't get a vote unless it's as a tiebreaker. The Senate also gets to replace the veep should the veep be promoted to President of the US or should the veep be missing. Also, they get to be in charge of impeachments. Where they fuck were they for Obama? Clinton? Biden? But we're all too familiar with this part. Unless you have a very short memory. It also says they can only remove the president from office and forbid that president from ever holding office again. Our boy Trump's got two of these suckers under his belt (the one his kids are so rightly familiar with), and he still got elected again! YEE-HAW!
SECTION 4: The States get to choose how to run their elections. I'm sure that will stop once we have King Trump ruling over us all. O glory day!
SECTION 5: Blah, blah, blah, more election rules and the keeping of minutes, etc. I'm sure we can get rid of this part, too.
SECTION 6: Congress gets paid from the Treasury. They're also exempt from being arrested except in cases of Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace. Hey, wait a minute! Thank fuck they didn't mention the Executive in this one! Only the plebs in Congress have to deal with Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace. Also, the Congresspuppets can't hold any other office but the one they were just elected for. This part also mentions "emoluments." It sounds dirty, but it's not. Oh well. No evil tee-hee for this one.
SECTION 7: All bills for collecting money from the peasants must start in the House. The bill must pass the House and then the Senate, but before it becomes Law, the President must see it and sign it. Or he can veto it if he's a dirty Commie. Thankfully we have a way to ignore such gestures: it must go back to the House, pass with two-thirds, do the same with the Senate, and then fuck the president and all he stands for. The president has 10 days (not counting Sundays) to sign or veto or it will become a law whether he likes it or not.
SECTION 8 (appropriately) gives Congress the right to tax the fuck out of the commoners, but never out of we the oligarchs. Never us. It then tells us what Congress can do with that money. This is where my eyes glaze over. Do you pay attention to the food that your food eats? Of course not. Why would you care about the money your money is spending? Just leave it up to us. We're smarter than you and better at everything.
SECTION 9: MEGO: MY EYES GLAZE OVER. Oh wait, there's that thing about Habeas Corpus! Never suspend it, my dude. Unless, of course, you're facing a rebellion or an invasion or like, say, in times of civil war? That Lincoln fella makes me laugh. Here's also where the rule about not having nobility in this country is. More to the point, no one who holds office may profit from royalty or bureaucrats, etc. Hm. This one's a little tough. King Trump really does have a nice ring, no? And does this mean he has to give up the Trump Media Group? He didn't do it last time, so I'm guessing we're still cool to ignore this part. Keep it on the books in case a tricksey Democrat gets elected.
SECTION 10: The States have to abide by those rules, too. Also, they can't make their own money. That's why you don't have to hit a bank every time you cross state lines. That would be annoying. Also, the States can't have military forces of their own. I think we can talk our way out of this one, though. Texas could probably do this. Texas could do anything. In Texas you're asked to leave your guns in the car if you're going to the bank. It's just a suggestion, not a requirement. You never know if you're going to need to shoot a bunch of illegals with an AR-15 even in such an august financial institution as a bank.
ARTICLE 2
SECTION 1: Here's a bunch of stuff that the People don't need to know. They will never need to know presidential details now that we have our President-for-Life Donald Jesus Trump. This is where the juicy details are, so I'm not obliged to share them with the public. Wanna know how the Electoral College works? Fuck you! That's how. To be president you must be 35 at least, have lived in the United States for 14 years and must be a natural born citizen. They shrewdly added the part about being a legal US citizen at the time of the signing of the Constitution, or the Founding Fathers would have never had the chance to run the country! It also give the rules for replacing a president for any reason, but we all know what JD Vance has in mind. Good luck, buddy, but you're not taking the big dog down anytime soon. You fuck couches. He fucks supermodels. This is also where the oath of loyalty is. Honestly, do we need that? He's the boss. C'mon, guys.
SECTION 2: The president is in charge of the armed forces as commander-in-chief. He also has the ability to issue pardons! It would help a lot of the January 6 rio--er, patriots! Provided that Trump will actually follow through. Spoiler alert: he never follows through. Those patriots are fucked. If you have any doubts, ask Rudy Giuliani about how quickly he got his money out of the former and soon-to-be president. (Hint: HE DIDN'T! And he was America's mayor . . .)
SECTION 3: The president is expected to give a state of the union address to Congress from time to time. But they never gave permission to televise it, the rat bastards.
SECTION 4: The president and the VP can only be removed from office for Treason, Bribery and other high crimes and misdemeanors. See? Nothing about felonies! Although we may want to ixnay on the easontray . . .
All right. That's enough bullshit for tonight. We'll continue this tomorrow.
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