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| Glory be. |
ARTICLE 3
SECTION 1: The Supreme Court. As opposed to all other courts, which the Constitution calls "inferior." Take that, you pisspoor local judges! I don't know what this part about "good Behavior" means, but it better not mean that our Justices can't commit crimes like accepting bribes. Without bribing them, our whole economy would collapse! And women would be free to get abortions! Get on that, Kavanaugh. I thought you were onboard with this kind of thing..
SECTION 2: This part is pretty boring. It lists the kinds of cases the Supreme Court can take. Listen, just do what we tell you to do. Don't worry about if it's legal or not. Just let your eyes glaze over. Also, all crimes are by jury EXCEPT impeachment, and they should be prosecuted in the state in which the crime occurred. Which is good news! Us Trumpsters are only committing crimes of the heart. Good luck finding a courtroom in my circulatory system! Oh wait. This says if there is no state in question, Congress gets to choose where the trial happens. Good thing we got the Senate! Now if only the House would fall in line . . .
SECTION 3: We can easily ignore this part. The definition of "treason" is about to change.
ARTICLE 4
SECTION 1: States get full "Faith and Credit." So go crazy, my dudes.
SECTION 2: Citizens of each state get the privileges of all states. Which means the definition of "citizen" is going to need to be changed, too. Also, if you're charged with a crime in one state and flee to another, the first state can demand you be returned, and the second state must comply. Which sucks. Why should Supreme Leader, who lived in New York and Florida, be subjected to Georgia laws? He's God's anointed. That's bullshit. Thankfully they added on the part that was used to justify returning slaves to their owners even if the slave was found in another state. That one came in pretty handy and will again soon, I'm sure.
SECTION 3: New states can be added to the Union. Thank fuck we were able to get Texas in. Those racist slavers helped get the Trumpster elected, after all. But for some reason the states can't be formed from land inside of an existing state without Congress's permission. Come on, guys. Do we really need a WEST Virginia? And what about Maine? It functioned perfectly when it was a part of Massachusetts! Also, Congress can make rules about federal territories. Like *that* needed to be said.
SECTION 4: This is where the United States declares itself to be a Republic, and that it will protect US citizens from invasion and domestic violence. There must be some kind of mistake. I'm not seeing the word "capitalism" here. Did they forget to mention that part? Similarly I don't see mention of "democracy," which is a relief. There are a lot of stupid people out there. We need Electors to make up for them.
ARTICLE 5
The Congress, whenever two thirds of both Houses shall deem it necessary, shall propose Amendments to this Constitution, or, on the Application of the Legislatures of two thirds of the several States, shall call a Convention for proposing Amendments, which, in either Case, shall be valid to all Intents and Purposes, as Part of this Constitution, when ratified by the Legislatures of three fourths of the several States, or by Conventions in three fourths thereof, as the one or the other Mode of Ratification may be proposed by the Congress; Provided that no Amendment which may be made prior to the Year One thousand eight hundred and eight shall in any Manner affect the first and fourth Clauses in the Ninth Section of the first Article; and that no State, without its Consent, shall be deprived of its equal Suffrage in the Senate.
[Regular John Bruni here. That's a direct quote of Article V. I'm not fucking with it. It's pretty important, actually. So memorize this. There will be a test later. To be continued in Goodnight, Fuckers #1000! OK, back to Evil John Bruni.]
ARTICLE 6
Thank fuck these are getting shorter. Anyway, all debts entered into before the signing of the Constitution will be honored under said Constitution. Nice try, freeloaders! It also says that this Constitution is the law of the land, so obey it. Also, everyone we just talked about have to swear an oath of office before assuming such jobs. Now we're talking! Oh wait, it also says that religious tests shall never be part of such oaths. But how are we going to make sure Christ stays in Christmas?
ARTICLE 7
We only have 9 out of 13 states agreeing to this Constitution. Good enough!
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sign your name and loyalty oath to Trump here
Yeah, yeah, there's more. I'm going to handle those pesky amendments tomorrow night.
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