It has been 2 years and 195 days since my last drink. A few people have started to notice that I don't say "I've been sober for . . ." That is by design. I'm an alcoholic, not a weedoholic. I have problems with booze, not cannabis.
But this "sober" thing came up, I don't know, maybe a year ago? I forget what the association of ideas was that led me to this particular thought, as I promptly forgot the thought almost as soon as I had it. But last night, as I waited for sleep to take me, my brain spoke up and reminded me of it for some odd reason. Possibly to plague me. My brain is very good at plaguing and vexing me. Thankfully it's good at positive stuff, too.
I realized that I've never had a sexual encounter as an adult while sober. Every instance has been while I was blind stinking drunk. I've had a few sober sexual experiences from when I was underage, but that can't possibly count. I don't recall who said it, but every time you remember something, you're actually remembering the last time you remembered that thing, not the thing itself. As such, it turns into a game of inner telephone. I think there might be some truth to it. I imagine sober sex would be vastly different between the 13 year old boy I was and the 46 year old man I am now.
The last time I had sex was late 2020. I like to think it was in December, but it was probably in October, possibly earlier than that. I was pretty drunk. The last sexual encounter wasn't long after that. It's pretty pathetic, actually. We were in the shower together, cleaning each other before getting dirty again, but I was drunk and 70 lbs. heavier than I am now. My chest felt weird, and I felt like I was out of breath. She helped me sit on the closed toilet seat so I could catch my breath. By the time I felt normal again, the mood had passed.
My sex drive had been dropping, anyway. It was at its lowest just before I went to detox in July 2022. Since quitting the booze it's picked up again, but, and here the author of Dong of Frankenstein and 6669: Demon Porn must make a confession, sex has never been something I've been very interested in. I don't pursue it. Sometimes it pursues me, and I give in to it. It feels great and then makes me insatiably crave it for about two weeks before I'm back to normal. I'm sure there's a werewolf metaphor in there somewhere.
But now I wonder, what must it be like? To have sex with someone without any foreign chemicals in my body? I'm childish at nature, so would I be able to take it seriously? I've never been good at talking dirty, so I'm almost certain I'd take it too far. And I'm lazy and like to be ridden. Probably not popular idea.
As a young boy I had encounters with two young girls and I had sex with another. I was still, legally, 13 at the time, but I was just about to turn 14. The experience was very enjoyable but also traumatic for a while afterward. I caught the clap. That was enough to make me swear off of sex for a long time afterward. I didn't come back to it until years later. Every once in a while I would develop an attraction for someone, but I'd shove it down until I didn't feel it anymore. I didn't want to risk possibly finding myself in a position to have sex again.
I'm sure I'll find out some day about the sober sex. Unless I die in my sleep tonight.
Laugh if you will, but how creepy would it be if I did? It's not urban legend material, but I'm sure I'd make a Buzzfeed list somewhere.
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