THE JOHN BRUNI MUSEUM OF MEDIOCRE (AT BEST) SHIT #18: REVIEW OF JAY AND SILENT BOB #4

[What have we here? Another award-winning piece? Somehow I won an honorable mention at that State of Illinois competition sponsored by the Chicago Tribune. I should mention that I had no idea I was nominated for this or for my previous Local Haunts piece. I just showed up to the weekly meeting at the Leader, and my professor thrust my two awards into my unsuspecting hands. I believe I got the honorable mention because I was the only comic book reviewer in the state. They didn’t know what they were looking at, so they threw an honorable mention at me. Anyway, in this review I claim that Kevin Smith doesn’t know his own characters well enough. Oof. Talk about eating my own foot. I didn’t understand his intentions with this comic book. I think I was expecting to see Jay and Silent Bob the way they were in Clerks, when they were just a couple of slackers/drug dealers hanging out in front of a convenience store, rather than the cartoons they became throughout the course of the View Askewniverse (especially when they were made into actual cartoons for a season of that one show). Fuck it. This is from the Elmhurst College Leader November 8, 1999.]

After months and months and months of waiting for the last issue (a nearly legendary delay, even by independent comics’ standards), Jay and Silent Bob #4 finally hit the comic book shops. Unfortunately, it’s not worth the wait.

Artist Duncan Fregredo isn’t the greatest artist in the world. He’s not bad, either, but there are a lot of times when he lapses into a really bad Warren Pleece imitation. He has his good moments, and Jay and Silent Bob really do look like Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith (unlike the renditions in the Clerks comics).

Writer Kevin Smith, made famous through writing and directing Clerks, Mallrats, and Chasing Amy, has decided to give his true fans a treat with the Jay and Silent Bob miniseries. It’s supposed to happen during Chasing Amy through to the beginning of Smith’s new movie, Dogma. However, while it possesses the spirit of the movies, Jay and Silent Bob themselves aren’t consistent with the Jay and Silent Bob of the movies. Granted, they are Smith’s creations, but apparently he doesn’t know them well enough.

While Silent Bob still doesn’t talk at all (he doesn’t even have his one cryptic statement in the end, as per usual with Smith’s movies), and Jay talks too much, they are noticeably less intelligent. Even Silent Bob, who is significantly smarter than Jay, appears to have a moronic streak through him.

The whole point of this miniseries is to follow Jay and Silent Bob as they travel from their home, New Jersey, to Shermer, Illinois. Why are they headed to Shermer? Because that’s where John Hughes set his brat pack comedies, among them The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles. They want to be the drug connection for Shermer because they probably don’t have one, and if they have troubles with the locals, they’re a bunch of pansies anyway. At least, that’s their reasoning (the only one who escapes this is Judd Nelson, who they think is tough). Never mind that Shermer, as well as Hughes’s characters, are fictional, they believe that it’s all real. Not even Jay, who can be pretty stupid, would think something like that.

Not that all the writing is bad. There’s the time when Jay and Silent Bob went to see an ‘Eighties speed metal band, Forked Tongue. That’s vintage Jay and Silent Bob material. They’re the only two in the audience, and they’re still dancing like crazy (or at least Jay is).

There’s also the point when Smith confronts the fact that yes, Jay and Silent Bob have indeed become icons of America’s youth. The two of them having made it to Shermer (which is really McHenry) are decked out in red, white, and blue Uncle Sam outfits (except the comic’s in black and white), Jay says, “We’re living, breathing icons of the American Dream, Silent Bob!!! True paradigms of the greatness of the United States of America!!!” He follows this up with a loud fart that causes Silent Bob to buy air freshener and spray Jay with it. “What, man?” Jay asks. “Americans fart!” It’s pure Jay and Silent Bob.

If you’re a die-hard Smith fan, you’d better read these comics. They’re apparently an important bridge to the next movie. The “action” will be continued in the theaters, starting Nov. 12, in the movie, Dogma.

"WHY AREN'T YOU BETTER?!" A review of ONCE UPON A TIME IN 1972

The first thing one notices about this movie is its packaging. Look above and you will see it looks like a floppy disk. It FEELS like a floppy disk. That alone is an awesome selling point. But as soon as you pop the DVD in your player and see the opening credits, you know this is a hell of an homage to the ‘Seventies.

Writer/director Chris Lukeman clearly has a love for the seventh decade of the last century. Even the film quality seems like cleaned up ‘Seventies footage. The one interior set looks like it could have been your grandparents’ house. The “special effects” are even old school. When most crews would have gone to CGI, Lukeman sticks with good ol’ fashioned puppetry and green screens.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN 1972 is the tale of Springheel Jack, who uses robotic springs to get around. He fights robots with the help of highly sophisticated (for the ‘Seventies) weaponry and with information contained on floppy disks. He comes upon a robot (maybe not FORBIDDEN PLANET old fashioned, but perhaps a descendant) stalking a woman, and being the typical hero, he must save the damsel in distress.


The story is lackluster, but this isn’t about content. This is about style. Ordinarily, such exercises are unforgivable, but as it is a short film, it is worth it. Where the movie really shines is with the dialogue. At one point, as Jack is getting his ass kicked by the robot, the damsel in question shouts, “Why aren’t you better?” Between taking blows, Jack replies that he didn’t think he’d given her the impression that he knew what he was doing.


That seems to be the theme in this film. Very few, if any, of the characters know what they’re doing at any given time. They’re just flying by the seat of their pants, which is contradictory to the idea of heroism back in 1972, but it adds flavor.

There is another moment when Jack, cocky with having defeated (for the time being) the robot, decides to crack wise. The damsel looks at him in horror and demands to know why he’s joking at a time like this. Which is the way it would probably happen in real life.


The acting is kind of blah, but it was probably meant to be that way. Jonathan Harden, who plays Springheel Jack, comes off most times like the title character in MATTHEW BLACKHEART: MONSTER SMASHER. In other words, like a Bruce Campbell wannabe. But again, in context it makes sense.


The true star of this DVD, however, is the fifth commentary. The cast and crew got together and decided to play a drinking game while watching the movie. The idea was to take a drink each time a ‘Seventies reference is made. It becomes very clear in the first minute that they take EVERYTHING to be such a reference. They get rip-roaring drunk within minutes. This alone is worth the price of admission.


ONCE UPON A TIME IN 1972
Written and directed by Chris Lukeman
Produced by Kill Vampire Lincoln Productions
13 minutes
2011

[THERE ARE TWO ADDITIONAL SHORT FILMS AS SPECIAL FEATURES ON THIS DISK.  CHECK OUT THE ONE ABOUT UNICORNS, AND YOU WILL LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF.]