THE ONLY THING IN HIS BINDLE . . . IS JUSTICE: A review of THE TRANSIENT

So goes the tagline of THE TRANSIENT. Brought to us by the fine folks who gave us ONCE UPON A TIME IN 1972, it follows the crime-fighting antics of an initially unnamed vigilante. By day he picks through garbage and sells questionable wares to passers-by. By night he battles with the most absurdly stereotypical ‘Eighties punks since Troma put CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH to film. His only contact with the ordinary world is his sidekick/caseworker Steve (played to nervous perfection by Blake Stubbs). In fact it is Steve who eventually decides he needs a name, and after some heavy thinking, comes up with the Transient.

Sadly the Transient (a ruthlessly aloof Dave Ruthenberg), who would probably be at home as a member of Garth Ennis’s Section Eight from HITMAN, has very little regard for the lives of scumbags, so more often than not he kills those who would do others harm. He does so with improvisational weapons, probably found in trashcans. In one scene he takes down a wife-beater with a barroom dart and a crumbly brick. In another, he crushes a punk with a shopping cart. (And early on, before it becomes too punny, his patter is pretty funny. He might be the only person in history to say that FITNESS magazine is “slightly pornographic.”)


All of this horrifies Steve, who at one point wants to turn his companion in to the authorities, even though the Transient has just saved his caseworker’s ass from the above-mentioned stereotypical ‘Eighties punks. The only thing that stops him is the new horror that stalks the night for blood: VAMPIRE ABRAHAM LINCOLN!


That’s right, Lincoln has been laying low since the assassination attempt on his unlife, and he’s been living off the blood of women (mostly) for all of these years. Now, he is attempting to gather together 87 of these fine young ladies (get it?! Four score and seven!) so he can drain their blood within a fortnight. If he pulls this off, he will finally be free of his bloodthirst and his need to live in darkness. So he’s been hiding out in a blood bank, using punks to kidnap these women for him. Only the Transient (and Steve) can stop him!


Are there big gaping plot holes? You bet. You can probably figure out what they are from reading this review. But don’t let that stop you from enjoying such a fun movie. Michael Krebs, who plays Lincoln, pulls it off with the macabre glee of Vincent Price at his American International finest! And if some of his dialogue sounds familiar, don’t be surprised. Writer/director Chris Lukeman borrowed from some of Lincoln’s own real life material, enough to give Lincoln credit as a co-writer. (No shit! Look at the box!)


There are just two things that bear mentioning. At one point, the Transient and Steve dig up a zombie, Timmy, because he’d be able to track down Lincoln for them. This baffles Steve (as well as the viewers), and all the Transient can say by way of explanation is that Timmy is a “dowsing rod for the preternatural." That’s all we get?! Also, Timmy later bites a vampire, at which point her fangs fall out and she becomes one of the walking dead. Then Timmy and his new companion just . . . disappear. Which is kind of odd because it’s an action packed scene in which Steve is doing characteristically awkward battle with a vampire. Where did Timmy and his friend go?


Never mind this slight nitpicking. You’ll want this movie for your collection. How could you say no to a homeless vigilante facing off against vampire Abe Lincoln?


THE TRANSIENT
Written by Chris Lukeman and Abraham Lincoln
Directed by Chris Lukeman
Produced by Kill Vampire Lincoln Productions
24 minutes
$11.99

"WHY AREN'T YOU BETTER?!" A review of ONCE UPON A TIME IN 1972

The first thing one notices about this movie is its packaging. Look above and you will see it looks like a floppy disk. It FEELS like a floppy disk. That alone is an awesome selling point. But as soon as you pop the DVD in your player and see the opening credits, you know this is a hell of an homage to the ‘Seventies.

Writer/director Chris Lukeman clearly has a love for the seventh decade of the last century. Even the film quality seems like cleaned up ‘Seventies footage. The one interior set looks like it could have been your grandparents’ house. The “special effects” are even old school. When most crews would have gone to CGI, Lukeman sticks with good ol’ fashioned puppetry and green screens.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN 1972 is the tale of Springheel Jack, who uses robotic springs to get around. He fights robots with the help of highly sophisticated (for the ‘Seventies) weaponry and with information contained on floppy disks. He comes upon a robot (maybe not FORBIDDEN PLANET old fashioned, but perhaps a descendant) stalking a woman, and being the typical hero, he must save the damsel in distress.


The story is lackluster, but this isn’t about content. This is about style. Ordinarily, such exercises are unforgivable, but as it is a short film, it is worth it. Where the movie really shines is with the dialogue. At one point, as Jack is getting his ass kicked by the robot, the damsel in question shouts, “Why aren’t you better?” Between taking blows, Jack replies that he didn’t think he’d given her the impression that he knew what he was doing.


That seems to be the theme in this film. Very few, if any, of the characters know what they’re doing at any given time. They’re just flying by the seat of their pants, which is contradictory to the idea of heroism back in 1972, but it adds flavor.

There is another moment when Jack, cocky with having defeated (for the time being) the robot, decides to crack wise. The damsel looks at him in horror and demands to know why he’s joking at a time like this. Which is the way it would probably happen in real life.


The acting is kind of blah, but it was probably meant to be that way. Jonathan Harden, who plays Springheel Jack, comes off most times like the title character in MATTHEW BLACKHEART: MONSTER SMASHER. In other words, like a Bruce Campbell wannabe. But again, in context it makes sense.


The true star of this DVD, however, is the fifth commentary. The cast and crew got together and decided to play a drinking game while watching the movie. The idea was to take a drink each time a ‘Seventies reference is made. It becomes very clear in the first minute that they take EVERYTHING to be such a reference. They get rip-roaring drunk within minutes. This alone is worth the price of admission.


ONCE UPON A TIME IN 1972
Written and directed by Chris Lukeman
Produced by Kill Vampire Lincoln Productions
13 minutes
2011

[THERE ARE TWO ADDITIONAL SHORT FILMS AS SPECIAL FEATURES ON THIS DISK.  CHECK OUT THE ONE ABOUT UNICORNS, AND YOU WILL LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF.]