GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #812: RANDY'S CHEESEBURGERS

The Jim Lahey Show and Randy

 

If you follow me on social media, you know I did a rewatch of Trailer Park Boys. It turns out I missed a couple of movies the first time, and there's a new series. I finished it all, but that new series is exclusive to Swearnet. If you don't know, the boys created their own streaming network so they didn't have to be constrained by someone else's rules. For just two bucks a month you get access to everything.

So I finished what they had of TPB: Jail Shorts and moved on to other stuff. You all know I have an affinity for Mr. Lahey, as he and I were both thrall to the Liquor and its extremes. So I was happy to discover The Jim Lahey Show and Randy, a late night show with booze, cursing, alcoholic blowouts and other lunacies, weed and Randy's cheeseburger recipes.

Like, for example, Cheeseburger Pancakes. Yes, you read that right.

I'm a lot like Randy, too. When I'm at home I rarely wear a shirt, and I fuckin' love cheeseburgers. But I gotta get something off my chest. Randy doesn't know how to make a cheeseburger.

Randy is one of those assholes who puts the cheese UNDER THE PATTY. I'm a burger purist, and nothing should go under the meat. Everything should go up on top. Putting anything UNDER the meat changes the whole taste dynamic.

I think only cheese, ketchup and mustard should go on a burger. Some fast food places have decent onions and pickles, and I can live with that. I ordinarily hate bacon on a burger, but I've discovered that for some strange unfathomable reason the Bacon McDouble is great.

I'm never going to give anyone shit for putting tomatoes or lettuce on their burgers, but I would never put them on my burger. To me that's crazy talk. You can't let supposedly healthy food get in the way of a good burger.

And yes, if you were wondering I absolutely hate it when food touches food. Food must be pure and eaten separately from other food. And no, I won't just take the tomato and lettuce off the burger. THAT SHIT HAS INFECTED THE BURGER. It's of no use to me now.

And yes (again) I am a little OCD. Maybe more than that. I used to be a lot worse. I wouldn't exactly say I was Adrian Monk, but I was pretty bad.

*sigh* Maybe I'm being harsh on ol' Randers. I guess if it makes him happy, he should do it. I just hate to see good cheeseburgers go to waste like that.

And don't get me started on those damned kids on my lawn!

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #642: AN UNFORTUNATE FACT OF MY LIFE

 This weekend I had to say goodbye to a fast food restaurant that I enjoy a great deal. I don't think I mentioned it here, but a couple of months ago I said on social media that my White Castle had suddenly disappeared. That angered me a great deal because now, if I wanted the flesh of the chicken snake, I had to go to the other White Castle within comfortable driving distance. It's a bit of a longer drive, and the way is very annoying, and there is only one exit out of the place, and it's pointing in the wrong direction for me. I mean, I could make an illegal turn to get out of there, and ordinarily I would, but it's waaaaaaaay too busy at that hour. There is no way I could do it successfully.

I have a rule. If I go to a restaurant, and they get my order wrong three visits in a row, I never go back there again. NEVER. Once you're on my shit list, there is no getting off of it. I could be broke and hungry and desperate, but if they were in front of me offering free food, I wouldn't go there.

So on Saturday this White Castle made a spectacular fuck up of my order for the third visit in a row. It's an unfortunate fact of my life, but if I did not live up to my self-imposed rules, then it would be sheer madness. In many ways I'm not all that different from Adrian Monk. It's a blessing . . . and a curse.

This essentially means that it will be a very, very long time before I go to White Castle again. The next closest one takes 45 minutes to get there, and I'm not going all that way for dinner. Harold and Kumar had an easier time of getting to White Castle than I would in this case. It's not happening. So I pretty much gave up on White Castle over the weekend, and I'm not happy about it.

But such is life.