GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #642: AN UNFORTUNATE FACT OF MY LIFE

 This weekend I had to say goodbye to a fast food restaurant that I enjoy a great deal. I don't think I mentioned it here, but a couple of months ago I said on social media that my White Castle had suddenly disappeared. That angered me a great deal because now, if I wanted the flesh of the chicken snake, I had to go to the other White Castle within comfortable driving distance. It's a bit of a longer drive, and the way is very annoying, and there is only one exit out of the place, and it's pointing in the wrong direction for me. I mean, I could make an illegal turn to get out of there, and ordinarily I would, but it's waaaaaaaay too busy at that hour. There is no way I could do it successfully.

I have a rule. If I go to a restaurant, and they get my order wrong three visits in a row, I never go back there again. NEVER. Once you're on my shit list, there is no getting off of it. I could be broke and hungry and desperate, but if they were in front of me offering free food, I wouldn't go there.

So on Saturday this White Castle made a spectacular fuck up of my order for the third visit in a row. It's an unfortunate fact of my life, but if I did not live up to my self-imposed rules, then it would be sheer madness. In many ways I'm not all that different from Adrian Monk. It's a blessing . . . and a curse.

This essentially means that it will be a very, very long time before I go to White Castle again. The next closest one takes 45 minutes to get there, and I'm not going all that way for dinner. Harold and Kumar had an easier time of getting to White Castle than I would in this case. It's not happening. So I pretty much gave up on White Castle over the weekend, and I'm not happy about it.

But such is life.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #12: FUCK FAST FOOD

Oh, how I wish I could agree with the title of this one. I've recently discovered that I'm really bad at quitting fast food. I managed to beat my addiction to caffeine, but fast food? Nope. I've been trying for weeks to defeat this one, but I just can't seem to do it.


A part of me blames Taco Bell for introducing the Quesarito, which is perfect if you order it without sour cream but add extra cheese (both shredded and nacho). That same part of me also blames Wendy's for bringing back the Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburger, which is fucking amazing. And of course there are always the traditional stand-bys, like McDonald's (anything goes there) and White Castle (home of the Flesh of the Chicken Snake).


The fucked up thing? Most times, when I'm eating these things, I don't really give a fuck about them. I'm eating them because I love the idea of them, and that's so fucking crazy, not even I can reconcile it with the person I want to be. It's like jerking off even though you can't get a rod. You need to blow your load, but you can't get hard. That makes things difficult. You'll succeed, but it won't be as awesome as you think it will be. The orgasm will happen, but it will feel dull and weak, which isn't worth your time.


I need to get down to 235 lbs. for the next time I see my doctor, which is in August. Right now, I'm back up to 245. This is unacceptable. I need to tell fast food to go fuck itself, but that's the hardest thing for me to do, even harder than quitting caffeine (which was really fucking bad). I'm a fat ass who ate McDonald's for six years straight when I was in junior high and high school. I beat it when I graduated, since I managed to go an entire summer without that garbage (and I managed to lose 50 lbs. at the time). Why can't I do that again?


Fuck. Tomorrow, I'm going to try the AM Crunchwrap at Taco Bell. I'm probably going to fall in love with it. I suck at this.