GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #59: ADDICTIVE VOICES

As I'm sure some of you are aware, I read the new DICKS tonight. Garth Ennis is more widely known for writing PREACHER, HITMAN and THE BOYS. There are a few readers, however, who know him for DICKS. It is an incredibly obscene book, so many of you might not know about it. I've been a fan ever since I got back into buying comics in the 'Nineties and discovered #3 at Graham Crackers in Wheaton. (This was back when Caliber published the book.)


Here's the thing, though: as soon as you finish reading an issue of DICKS, you can't help but be affected by the voice of the series. Everyone--and I mean EVERYONE--is Irish in the book. Shakespeare is Irish. Michelangelo is Irish. Even the fucking devil is Irish. (There are exceptions. Texan Dubya makes an appearance, as do UVF soldiers, who HAVE TO BE British.)


For at least an hour after reading a new issue, I can't help but THINK with an Irish accent. Everything is "ballacks this" and "yer head's cut, mate" and "up ye" and all of that. And the next thing you know, I'm using the word "cunt" as punctuation. Hell, as I wrote this paragraph, I couldn't help but write it in my head using an Irish accent. Jaysis and shite.


It got me thinking about other addictive voices in fiction. Right off the bat, because he comes from neighboring Scotland, is Irvine Welsh. It takes a while to get into one of his books, but once you do, you can't help but think in a Scottish accent. Unbidden, without having read a Welsh book lately, I've shifted gears in my head. Now I'm hearing my thoughts with a Scottish accent. Fitba and cuntybaws.


Closer to home, we have Joe R. Lansdale, my absolute favorite living author. He's so laid back with his East Texas style, it seems EASY. Obviously, it's not, but it just settles into your mind, and you'll find it hard to not speak with a drawl and use colorful phrases like "hotter'n two rats fucking in a sock."


The most addictive voice in the world, however, is Hunter S. Thompson's. Not only did he change the way I think, he also changed the way I act. That's an incredible thing to do. Those of you following the reruns of my DUI Diary are probably not surprised to discover that HST was a main influence on them. Without his suggestions, I would have crumpled and let the Man fuck me in the ass instead of fighting and rolling the dice. Even beyond that, I find myself talking about "stomping the terra" and "killing like a champion" all the time. It's hard not to finish my letters and emails without a grim "mahalo." I even got into the habit of ominously muttering "omerta" when someone needs to keep a secret. Everyone else on this list? You can get them out of your system, at least until the next time you read something by them. HST? He's there to stay. He's laid eggs in my head, and they're constantly hatching.


Don't take any guff from the swine. And you can't stop here. This is bat country.




















































YOUR TONGUE BELONGS TO SATAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

C2E2 2013 INTERVIEW: JOHN McCREA

I must have told the story about a thousand times.  When I was in my senior year of high school, my friend, CJ, got me back into comics by lending me three books:  EVIL ERNIE, PREACHER, and HITMAN.  From that moment, my life changed.  John McCrea illustrated HITMAN back in the day, and it was great to meet him.  Some of you will recall when I wrote about meeting him last year, but this year was waaaaaay better.  Not just because I got to hang out with him for quite a while, and not just because he drew one of the awesomest sketches any artist has ever done for me, but because I also got to interview him.  I stopped by on Friday and asked if I could do an interview with him, and he asked me to come back on Sunday, when things were a bit quieter.  (It should also be mentioned that when I stopped by that first time, he was working on a sketch of Tommy Monaghan for a fan.  While he was doing this, his phone rang, and he talked with someone who was either his wife or his child.  The whole time he talked, he didn’t stop working.  He produced this amazing sketch.  It was the finest example of multitasking I’d ever seen.)

I came back on Sunday, and he was working on a sketch of Wolverine for another fan (who was absent at the time).  He asked if I minded whether or not he worked while I interviewed him, and I said I was completely OK with that.  However, after we’d been talking a little bit, he stopped working on the sketch.  It seemed like he was having a lot of fun with the interview, which I consider to be one of my finer moments (if I don’t say so myself; more on that in my C2E2 wrap-up).  Here is what he had to say . . . .

[WARNING:  Here there be HITMAN spoilers.  If you haven’t read the series, you might want to do so before reading this interview.]

JOHN BRUNI:  First of all, HITMAN was one of my all-time favorites—

JOHN McCREA:  Thank you.

JB:  Do you ever miss it?



JM:  Of course.  I think I worked on that book for seven years of my life pretty much solidly.  I did a few other things here and there, but it was seven years of Tommy and Natt, and they all sort of seemed like friends.  When the book ended, it was like—well, you’ve seen the ending.  It’s a real tearjerker.  When I read the script, I had a little tear in my eye.  Just saying bye to Tommy and his friends, it was a relief in one way.  It was a slog, physically producing that much work, but to say goodbye to Tommy and Natt was quite a tearful experience.  I do miss them, but at the same time, it was the right end.  They had to go.  Garth [Ennis] and I were adamant that [UNCLEAR, BUT HE SAYS SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF “THEY HAD TO DIE], otherwise it would ruin the whole thing anyway.  People ask us if there’s a chance with the New 52 of bringing them back.  No.

JB:  It was one of the greatest endings in comics ever.

JM:  Part of it’s the fact that it’s finite.  You have the whole story, and it’s not just rolling on and on forever.  They lived by the gun, they had to die by the gun.  It was the right ending.  It improves the story, I think.

JB:  Very Butch and Sundance.

JM:  Oh God yes.  I think Garth wrote that in the script.  It was Natt who said it, wasn’t it?

JB:  Yeah.  Why do you think the book didn’t hit it off with a wider audience?



JM:  Garth and I always intended for it to be finished around about . . . originally we hoped for seventy issues.  There were a few other stories we wanted to tell, one of them being the JLA/HITMAN story, which we eventually did.  DC told us at a certain point that the sales are okay.  Probably pretty good by today’s standards, but for the time they were okay.  They were going to cancel it.  We had a choice between finishing it at 60 and finishing it properly the way we wanted to, chopping out the non-essential stories, or we might make it [to 70] or we might not.  We didn’t want to risk that, so we just finished it.

JB:  That sounds like the smart way to go.

JM:  Well, DC were honest and decent about it.  They let us know, so . . . it could have been a disaster.  It has a good, solid fan base, it just wasn’t big enough to continue the series.

JB:  There is still one character from the book lurking around the DCU somewhere.  Will there ever be a Bueno Excellente one-shot?  [Come on, you all knew I was going to ask it.]

JM:  We’re all hoping for that.  He was one of the most deranged human beings I ever got to draw.  Him, and possibly Six-Pac is still around.  I think a mini-series would be a pretty sweet thing.  An untold story, four issues.  If only people had realized how wonderful a superhero team [Section Eight] were, like the JLA.  We could have had action figures.  A little wind-up guy, or maybe a Dog Welder with detachable dogs.  What I would do for that!

JB:  You and Garth Ennis do a lot of work together.  How did you guys meet up?



JM:  We went to school together.  We’re from Belfast, and he was in my brother’s year at school.  He knew I was into comics, and after I finished school, one of the first things I did was run a comics shop.  I started one of the only comics shops in Belfast, and Garth used to come in and buy his comics.  One day, he just said we should do a book, and that turned into TROUBLED SOULS about the Troubles in Northern Ireland.  It was very successful, and that was that.

JB:  TROUBLED SOULS also has Dougie and Ivor from DICKS.

JM:  That’s true.  That is true.  They were incidental characters in TROUBLED SOULS.  We kinda-sorta made fun of them.  Garth in particular is not enamored of TROUBLED SOULS, so he kind of wanted to piss all over it.  He used Dougie and Ivor as a way to do that.  We’re working on a new book in the series now.  Garth’s written it all, finished it about two years ago, and I’ve been slowly grinding my way through it.  I’m on issue four at the moment.  Two more to go.

JB:  Some of the covers are pretty crazy.  Is there anything you wouldn’t put on the cover of DICKS?

JM:  I haven’t run into it yet.  There might be.  There are a few things, but I don’t want to even answer for fear of getting arrested.  So far, not yet.

JB:  Garth Ennis has a reputation for going a bit too far, like with CROSSED.  Would you ever want to work on the book?

JM:  I read one issue of CROSSED, and that was just about enough for me.  It was too much for me.  When I read a comic, I like to enjoy myself, not be harrowed to the marrow.  It was too harrowing for me.

JB:  Have you ever thought to yourself that you might be going too far with DICKS?

JM:  Oh God no.  Never.  When I first started doing these books, William [Christensen, editor-in-chief of Avatar Press] kept saying, “No, no, no, you haven’t got the idea.  Not enough.  Not enough.  You’ve got to make it worse.”  Now, I think I’m at the level I think he’s happy with.

JB:  If you had to be Dougie or Ivor, which one would it be?

JM:  My God, what a choice!  Uh . . . probably Ivor.  He’s just happy in his own self-absorbed moronic way.  Dougie’s just miserable because he’s relatively intelligent and can see the terrible travesty which is his life.  So yeah, I think it’d be Ivor.

JB:  Can you talk about what’s in store for us with DICKS 3?

JM:  Satan and the Dong are both back.  They’ve teamed up, and they’re trying to destroy the world.  It’s up to Dougie and Ivor to travel through time, collecting the icons of bigotry that the Dong are using to destroy the world.  They have to go back in time to gather these objects in order to stop the Dong.  Much hilarity ensues.  At one point, Dougie and Ivor get to meet Garth and myself.  They end up in our studio . . . by, uh, complete coincidence, and even more hilarity ensues.

JB:  So they get to meet their gods?

JM:  Exactly!  Not just meet them, they do quite a lot more.

JB:  That sounds very cool.  What else do you have coming up besides the new DICKS?

JM:  I’m working on MARS ATTACKS for IDW.  I’ve finished the ten issues, which was supposed to be continuing, but they decided to can it and do mini-series instead.  I’ll be doing MARS ATTACKS/JUDGE DREDD, a four issue mini-series which is written by Al Ewing, who writes JENNIFER BLOOD as well.  It’s fantastic.  It should be out in the not-to-distant future.  I’m working on something called PROGENITOR, which is written by Phil Hester for David Lloyd’s new online comic called ACES WEEKLY.  So, I’m busy.

JB:  Speaking of IDW, they have a lot of franchises from the ‘Eighties.  Is there any one of those that you’d like to work on?



JM:  I wouldn’t mind doing the Turtles.  I like the Turtles.  I’m not really a TRANSFORMERS guy.

JB:  What about G.I. JOE?

JM:  When I was breaking into comics, I did two stories for ACTION FORCE, which is the British name for G.I. Joe.  I did a Snake-Eyes five-pager, and I did a Storm Shadow five-pager.  I enjoyed those.  I like the ninja guys.  I would love to do Snake-Eyes.

JB:  Thank you very much for your time.

JM:  It’s been a pleasure.  Cheers.

At about that point, he realized that he’d forgotten about his previous sketch, which he put the final touches on before starting the sketch for me.  I requested Tommy Monaghan and Natt from HITMAN sitting at Noonan’s bar, just having a drink, and the request seemed to surprise McCrea, but he was happy to do it.  I hung out with him, just talking while he drew.  I told him about how even my mother enjoyed reading HITMAN almost as much as I did.  We talked about other things Mom liked to read, which comprised of a lot of Garth Ennis’s work.  It was one of the few things that brought me and her together, especially near the end of her life.

While we hung out, talking about this and that (he mentioned that he was persona non grata over at DC, except for the short he did for GHOSTS), I can’t tell you how many fans came up and saw what he was doing for me.  Each and every single one of them said, “That is the coolest sketch ever.”  One of them said, “I wish I’d thought of that.”  I talked with a lot of fellow fans while McCrea worked, and I discovered that I’m not alone in thinking that some of the best parts of HITMAN were the quiet moments at the bar, when Tommy and Natt were just shooting the shit, maybe talking about THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY.  Why?  Well, it’s because that’s what I do with my friends.  I hang out in bars and just talk the night away.  I felt a real connection with Tommy and the boys in those moments.

I was going to run a scan of the sketch he did at the end of this piece, but I think I’ll save it for my wrap-up.  It is seriously that good.  Stay tuned!

COOL SHIT 4-5-12

DICKS #3: I’m sorry, I said I was not going to talk about this book, but I won’t take up too much of your time. Seriously, just look at the cover. If you don’t find that it’s enough to get you to read this book, then fuck you. Just . . . fuck you.

G.I. JOE: INFESTATION 2 #2: I feel so grossed out that I like something in this stupid INFESTATION cross-over. But . . . I can’t help but like how they’re using characters like Serpentor and Crystal Ball. I’ve never really cared for Storm Shadow, but this issue makes some very good points in his favor. And honestly, GI Joe could have sat this one out. We don’t need them here. Cobra could have done this on their own. Snake Eyes seems to make an obligatory appearance. Anyway, it’s over now. I stand by my opinion of INFESTATION, but I will make an exception for this very small mini-series under its wing.

COBRA COMMAND: G.I. JOE #12: Here we have the aftermath of the most recent IDW series. Cobra Commander has exerted his absolute mastery over the heroin industry that he’s certain to indefinitely fund his terrorist organization. Hawk gets fired, and G.I. Joe gets their funding cut. Things are looking pretty grim for our heroes. Not only that, but everyone thinks Snake Eyes is dead. Us readers know the truth, but still. I can’t wait to see what these guys do with this title next.

THE BOYS #65: This. Is. It. I’ve been waiting for this moment since issue one. This is easily the greatest issue of this book EVER. Butcher vs. the Homelander, except . . . it’s nothing like I thought it would be. The Homelander isn’t quite what he seems, and neither is Black Noir, which is the true surprise. My mind was certainly blown by it, so I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. Those of you who have read this issue know what I’m talking about. I am absolutely shocked that this is not the last issue. All of the conflicts have been resolved. Where the fuck can Ennis go from here? My absolute favorite part is when Butcher breaks down, apologizing to his dead wife for everything that he’s done . . . and even more so, for what he’s ABOUT TO DO. What the fuck is he talking about?! SIX ISSUES TO GO.

COOL SHIT 3-8-12

FATALE #3: How can this book get any cooler? We learn a bit more about Josephine this time around (but certainly not enough), when she reveals the location where she first died. Also, we go back to the present to check up on Nicolas, who is definitely still in trouble. And there is a scene which reminds me of the one in VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED, when a guy was mentally dominated into killing himself. Good times. Great news: this isn’t going to be a mini-series. Brubaker now says it’s going to be an epic. Originally, he thought it would be 12 issues, but now he realizes he needs more, like maybe 15, maybe more (since he’s not done writing it yet). This is going to be a solid source of entertainment for quite some time.

DICKS #2: Fuck, am I excited for the return of DICKS! All right, I’ll try not to gush too much about it. I know it’s a re-release, and as such isn’t worthy of Cool Shit, so I won’t bring it up again, unless something truly awesome about a particular issue blows my mind. Of course, when they start DICKS 3, I will probably rant about every fucking issue. There’s just something about everything being colorized that makes it seem somehow more obscene. Oh, and hey! Check out that cover! Yes, that’s Trio getting gangbanged by Wookies.

THE BOYS #64: Holy fuck, things are ending fast, and Garth Ennis isn’t fucking around. Butcher is finally on his way to his final showdown with the Homelander, which will probably happen in next issue. The Boys have finally leaked everything about the secret lives of the superheroes, so now the world knows exactly how depraved they are. The Vought scumbag shows a surprising amount of backbone, and M.M. makes a chilling discovery. Perhaps the Homelander isn’t the genius behind this master plot . . . . SEVEN ISSUES TO GO!

COOL SHIT 2-9-12

FERALS #2: David Lapham runs rampant once again with his new werewolf book for Avatar. As with last issue, there isn’t really anything remarkable about it, except for a stunning amount of gore. To be expected from a guy whose credits include CROSSED and CALIGULA. The only new development is that our protagonist, Walnutt, is apparently the suspect of the gruesome mutilations, as his semen was found in two of the victims (not surprising, since he’d fucked them both in the recent past), and due to the werewolf attack at the conclusion of last issue, he, too, is one of the Garou. Since he’s sworn to destroy the original monster, it’s pretty obvious where this is going. Considering Lapham’s ruthlessness, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

DICKS #1: YES! YES! YES! DICKS is back! Well, kind of. Avatar is reprinting all of the previous issues before they get to new DICKS about a year or so down the line. In fact, this is the second time they’ve reprinted this issue, except this time it’s in COLOR. Somehow, this makes it even more obscene than usual. And the best part: they reprinted the extras from BIGGER DICKS #1! (In case you don’t know, DICKS was originally put out by Caliber. Avatar bought the rights and reprinted all four issues with extra stuff, hence the title, BIGGER DICKS.) Trio the Fucking Whore is back, as well as Mick O’Lobb and Buddy Wizer, to say nothing of the Wanker’s History of Wanking. Seriously, if you’ve never heard of DICKS, this is your chance to get in on the ground floor. (Well, technically it’s not the ground-ground floor. That would be TROUBLED SOULS and FOR A FEW TROUBLES MORE, the books that got Garth Ennis and John McCrea started. Dougie and Ivor were minor characters in the former, and the latter was pretty much a cleaner version of the first DICKS storyline. But you’ll never find those books, and they’ll probably never be reprinted. Besides, you don’t need to have read them to enjoy this.) Do not hesitate. Get down to your local comic book store and get a copy. Get the offensive cover before they’re all gone. You’ll suck my dick to thank me later.

COOL SHIT 1-19-12

COBRA COMMAND: COBRA #9: All in all, it’s kind of an ordinary issue, but near the middle, we get our first glimpse of how ruthless and evil the new Cobra Commander is. Holy shit, is he a bastard! He’s such a fuck that he scares Major Bludd, and that’s no small thing. I think things are going to get ugly really fast in this new phase of the G.I. Joe universe.

FABLES #113: Truth be told, I’ve been getting kind of bored with this book of late. Ever since they put the Adversary behind them, it’s been going down hill. There were a few cool moments, but for the most part, I think this one’s losing me a little. Yet this issue gives us something different and cool. Willingham gives us four stories of the good ol’ days, none of them related to events now . . . well, except the second one. The reason the Adversary couldn’t attack Fabletown in the past? We find out in this issue. It’s a very cool idea (with an appropriate mundane ending). The only lame one in the bunch, though, is the fourth story, which is pretty stupid. The two stories about the turtle are cool, but it’s that second tale that really kicks ass.

HELLBLAZER #287: All right, so John Constantine goes to hell. Again. So what? A good question. On this tour of hell, everyone’s favorite blue-collar mage sees a few familiar faces. Remember when Constantine used to be tormented by the ghosts of his dead friends? We get to see a return to those good ol’ days with this one. Best part: THE RETURN OF THE FIRST OF THE FALLEN! Yes! Unsurprisingly, Ennis’s run on this book is my favorite, and it’s good to see a few characters from back then again.

CROSSED: PSYCHOPATH #7: Welp, it looks like another Crossed story arc comes to an end. Harold finally reveals himself to his victim for what he really is, and things get really fucking ugly. David Lapham is a nasty bastard, and no one makes it out of this issue whole. And what Amanda does to save herself from Harold? It looks like it belongs in a SAW movie. No shit.



And if this bounty of Cool Shit isn’t enough to make me happy, check out this advertisement from the back of the latest CROSSED. To quote a great man, “I have an erection.”

EVERYONE'S GOT ONE #13: JUST STOP CARING

Everyone’s a little bit guilty of this one, even me. You read a news story about something ridiculous a celebrity has done, and awestruck, you start complaining to someone else about how utterly stupid so-and-so is. It sometimes gets to the point when you start wondering why someone is so famous.



Here’s the answer: because you care. It’s an ugly truth, and I hate to admit it, but these people are famous because we make them famous, all because of their occupation. Maybe their job isn’t quite as frivolous as it seems at first—entertainment is actually pretty important—but when it comes right down to it, the paparazzi exist because of you. Because they know that if you see a picture of Merryl Streep with her fat hanging out, or Clint Eastwood with varicose veins, you’ll buy whatever rag you happened upon in the check out aisle at your local grocery store. Or if you’re watching TV, you’ll tune in whenever some airhead host with a fake smile and even faker personality says, “Guess what celebrity recently went out for a night on the town . . . without her underwear on!”


But when it comes down to it, why are we so interested in these fuckers? They’re just doing their job, pretending to be other people. Why is that so fascinating? Take James Spader, for instance. He’s not above admitting that he sometimes takes a role just for the paycheck. That’s his explanation for taking part in STARGATE. If these guys are merely collecting money, just like you and me at our day jobs, why should we care?


Perhaps it was, at first, a way to live vicariously. So that’s how Joan Bennett spends her time. Isn’t Rita Hayworth’s dress so opulent? And what about Errol Flynn? Isn’t he just a dashing young man? The common man has always been interested in what high living looks like.


But things are different now. We seek out celebrity disasters. We want to see Shia LaBeouf get in a drunken fight with someone. We want to hear what Mel Gibson’s going to say next. And we want to know what Nick Nolte’s done this time. And that guy who played the loveably kooky guy on SEINFELD said what?! Taking this into consideration, perhaps we want to see the high and mighty come crashing down to a level lower than our own, because we, the pure salt of the earth, would never get in a drunken confrontation. We’d never threaten to burn a former lover’s house down while demanding a blowjob from them. We’d never get caught driving by the cops after giving ourselves a dose of the date rape drug. And we certainly wouldn’t be caught calling anybody a "nigger" in public (that’s just for when we’re among “safe company”).


We also seek out porn featuring the daughters of rich men. How else can we explain the fame of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian? These names meant nothing to us until they showed off their poor fellatio skills.  But yes, even if you're related to someone important and as a result are stunningly rich, we want to see your holes filled with cock to be reassured that even the high and mighty have sex.


To everyone who cares about this shit (and sometimes, this includes me), here’s my advice: stop. If you stop caring, these people will no longer dominate your attention. A supply is only provided so long as there is demand. Business 101.


Some of you might be reluctant to break your addiction to famous people, so let me help you out. No matter how much you want to believe it, these people are not the same as us. Hollywood is a place of desperate identity. These people work very, very hard to get you to believe they are people that they’re not, even when they’re not acting on screen.


Take, for example, Rock Hudson. He was a leading man, a man of action, a hero of the silver screen. That was the cover story. In real life, he was crazy for cock. He wanted dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick DICK (how many dicks is that, Tarentino?). There is absolutely nothing wrong with this attitude. If all you want on your menu is a smorgasbord of penises, more power to you. But poor Rock couldn’t let ANYONE know about it. Why? Because people don’t accept you as a leading man if you’re gay. So instead of being free to be who you want to be, you have to lie. You have to seek out male prostitutes behind everyone’s back. You have to spend nights in cheap motels, pursuing what you actually want out of life.


How about Cary Grant? How many of you knew he was into LSD? A fucking lot of it? But he couldn’t let on because he wanted to continue being the object of Middle America’s affection.


And speaking of Errol Flynn, did you know that his body was a cesspool of sexually transmitted diseases? But no one wants to know about that. They want their image of him preserved.


I’m not going to rattle off a long list of Hollywood folks and their secret pleasures. You can find out for yourself why Tom Cruise can never admit to the world what everyone else knows in their hearts. If this is your thing, read James Ellroy. He knows EVERYTHING about Hollywood, on the QT and very hush-hush. (More recommended reading: the classic expose of celebrities, HOLLYWOOD BABYLON, and Clive Barker’s COLDHEART CANYON, and any issue of CELEBRITY SKIN.)


What I’m getting at is this: the people you worship and follow through the pages of tabloids and between commercials on TMZ and E! are pathetic beyond measure. They can never let the world know who they really are. They have their stories, and they have to stick to them in order to continue receiving your adulation.


The argument can be made that a lot of ordinary people experience the same thing, that we all have secrets we don’t want other people to find out about. Once upon a time, that might have been true, but if you seriously believe this, perhaps you haven’t met the Internet yet. The star of everything online is YOU. There is tons of you splattered all over the digital scene. Social networks have made it possible for you to notify everyone you know about your every move. Your phone will even check you into locations on Facebook. We know when you pick your nose, take a shit, eat too much McDonald’s, and fuck a fat chick. We know because you tell us.


And then, after it all, like some kind of coda, you’ll tell us with a sad-but-not-really FML, as if that absolves you of all your dirty inclinations.


No. I don’t feel sorry for celebrities who want their privacy restored. This is part of the deal, and they knew that going in. And I don’t feel sorry for people who live secret lives to preserve an image of integrity. But I do implore you to give up your habit. Stop following the movements of these people. They’re not worthy of your attention. Let them do their jobs. Leave ‘em the fuck alone, and they’ll stop gracing your news shows with stupid stories.


In the interest of full disclosure, though (and I do indeed live an open-book lifestyle, as many of you are painfully aware), I should mention that I do feel sorry for one celebrity: Tony Danza. You’ve all seen that picture of him after a skateboard he was riding slipped out from under him. The cameraman caught him at the perfect, most painful moment. You can see real anguish on his face. Sure, you guys can laugh and make WHO’S THE BOSS? jokes, but I can’t make fun of that kind of genuine pain. He looked like he was going to cry, for pity’s sake.


But fuck him, otherwise. What do you think? Am I off base? Should these people be worshipped as idols? Let me know in the comments below.

JOHN McCREA AT C2E2

When you’ve been to as many conventions as I have been to, you get used to seeing a lot of the same faces. You get a good feel for who will be there and who will not. This helps you prepare what you want to bring to get signed.



When I saw online that John McCrea, artist of HITMAN, DICKS, and THE BOYS, among others, was going to be there this year, I couldn’t believe it. I have NEVER heard of him coming to Chicago. Ever. Here was that chance to get some things signed. I had the first appearance of Tommy Monaghan in BLOODLINES that was signed by Garth Ennis at the second convention I ever went to, and here was my chance to get the artist to sign it. I was very, very happy.


I first saw him at the Dynamite panel, as my faithful readers will recall, and I spent a good portion of my Saturday tracking him down for a signing. At first he was going to be at the Hero Initiative booth, which was kind of a bitch to find. When I did, he wasn’t there yet, so I shopped around a bit. He soon showed up, but by the time I got over there, his line was capped off . . . at five people. Why? Everyone wanted sketches from him.


Which is understandable. This is a convention, after all, and he is an artist. I noticed that he was charging for sketches and autographs, but not for himself. It looked like all proceeds were going to the Hero Initiative. I was perfectly willing to pay whatever it took to get some of these books signed, but I was told that his schedule was full for now. He said that he’d be in artists alley for the rest of the day.


Which is weird, because when I went over there later, he wasn’t charging anything, meaning that Hero Initiative had just turned away money.


Anyway, a few hours later, I went to artists alley and hung around until he showed up. It’s a good thing I did, because as soon as he arrived, a line immediately formed. Thanks to my proximity, I was second in line. He then asked who was here for sketches and who was here for book signing. When he got a clear picture, he said that he would honor book signings first, since those always went fast.


I have to say, that was very gentlemanly of him. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stuck in long lines because of people who wanted sketches. And don’t even talk to me about the Tony Moore debacle a few years ago.

I asked him how many books he’d be willing to sign, holding up a stack. He said he’d sign them all if I gave a $5 donation to the Hero Initiative. Holy shit, talk about fair! I handed over the books and the money, and he started signing. When he came upon my copy of TROUBLED SOULS, he asked me where I’d gotten it. I told him that I’d rescued it from the garbage at the library. He said that he didn’t think it had ever been issued in hardcover, which confused him. I told him I thought that maybe the book had been damaged, and the library had sent it to a bindery to get it fixed.


And then the hilarious part began. Has anyone here seen the offensive covers to Avatar’s DICKS series? Then you’ll understand why McCrea suddenly became nervous signing them in front of a mother and her child. At first, he tried covering up the really nasty bits, but after a while, those nasty bits became bigger and bigger and bigger.


The mother turned her kid away. Inwardly, I smiled.

And then McCrea reached the Christmas special. This one depicts the main character bawling his eyes out and praying, and Satan hovers above him, his giant cock just about to touch the protagonist’s head. Above both cock and character, Satan holds some mistletoe.

Yeah, McCrea held this one as close to his chest as he signed it. When he was done, he said that he felt kind of dirty. “Serves me right, though. I drew those covers.”


I thanked him and went on my way. Later, when I got home, I saw that he’d signed across Satan’s cock, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

DYNAMITE PANEL AT C2E2

It was horrible! There were only three panels I was interested in going to this year at C2E2, and they were all happening at the same fucking time! Avatar, Vertigo, and Dynamite were all taking place at around the same time (Avatar 1-2, Vertigo and Dynamite 1:30-2:30). Sophie didn’t have this difficult a choice.



In the end, I decided that Avatar deserved my attention most (as they put out the best books). When this panel was done, I’d see if I could make it into Dynamite (since I covered Vertigo last year). As it turns out, Avatar ended early, and I made it to Dynamite just after they made the introductions. So I didn’t know who was who . . . EXCEPT FOR GARTH ENNIS! Yes, my favorite comics writer was sitting front and center, surrounded by other folks who I didn’t know. (Although I noticed one of them was wearing a Chaos shirt; more on that later.)


They decided to do a Q&A for the whole time. When they first asked for questions, no one rose to the occasion . . . except for me. You see, of all Ennis’ Section Eight characters from HITMAN are dead but for one. Bueno Excellente, who fights evil with the power of perversion (i.e. he rapes the bad guys) is still roaming the DC Universe. I asked Ennis if he ever wanted to do a Bueno spin-off. He told me that he’d love to revisit Section Eight, but for now there are no plans.


Remember last year, when I asked him about the possibility of bringing DICKS back? Great news: DICKS 3 IS IN THE WORKS! To quote a great man, “I have an erection.”

John McCrea, who illustrated DICKS (among others, including HITMAN), was a latecomer, and his fellow panelists seemed to give him shit. It is clear that he is the hard-drinking member of this crew. The way they talked about him made it seem like he was always drunk and he worshiped the devil on a regular basis.


Someone asked a question about Kevin Smith working on THE BIONIC MAN for Dynamite. No one could comment on it, so I’m just going to assume it’s happening. Not that I give a shit. I find THE BIONIC MAN just about as interesting as clipping my nails. Considering Smith’s recent run on THE GREEN HORNET, I would stay away from more licensed stuff. Not that GH was bad, but Smith is capable of doing much more entertaining things.


Speaking of GH, Joe Rybandt, the moderator for the panel, admitted that they saturated the market with GH titles (and how!). They consider it a mistake and don’t plan on doing anything like that again. We’ll see.


Did you know that Dynamite acquired the rights to VOLTRON? Why? Who knows? Who cares? What’s next, SECTAURS? CENTURIONS? Will we ever reach a point where we’re done with the ‘Eighties?


Speaking of licensed crap, ARMY OF DARKNESS is making a comeback. There’s a crossover with Danger Girl coming soon, and then the AoD monthly will return. Which is a shame, considering how awful those books were. Don’t believe me? Remember the time that Ash saved Obama? That’s what I thought.

In other news, one of the audience members asked when we’ll be getting VAMPIRELLA out of her pants and back into her traditional outfit. Rybandt said that they did that because they didn’t want people to think of her as a T&A character, and that the only place we’ll see her in the little red number is on the covers. I hate to break it to you, but VAMPIRELLA is a T&A title. Do you think people read the book for the story? And the fact that she’s still on the covers like that says something, don’t you think?


Dynamite’s big announcement was their acquisition of all the Chaos characters (except for LADY DEATH, obviously). The guy with the Chaos shirt, Jesse Blaze Snider, is apparently the new writer of EVIL ERNIE. They plan to bring a new character back every four to six months.

I am a hardcore EE fan. This is the book that got me back into reading comics, along with HITMAN and PREACHER. I am a one time Fiend of the Month. And I know, some of you are pointing out that EE creator Brian Pulido is my friend, but I’d like to say that our friendship came from my love of Ernie, not the other way around. So I can see why you’d think what I’m about to say is biased, but keep in mind that I became Fiend of the Month that one time because I wrote an 8-page heavy criticism of where EE was going wrong.

These Dynamite fucks didn’t treat Ernie with ANY respect. While Snider went to lengths to prove that he’s a Chaos fan (he says he used to wear his shirt back in his CBGB days, and it makes sense, considering that his father is Dee Snider, who promoted a lot of STRANGELAND stuff with Pulido during the Chaos years), he completely shit all over the old books, saying that there wasn’t a lot of story to them. “They were good for what they were,” he said, but there wasn’t much in the direction of plot.


Bullshit. Fuck you. But I’ll bite. What’s your idea of story?

Well, they recognize that LADY DEATH was the lynchpin of the old Chaos Universe, but since Pulido held on to the rights and is publishing it with Avatar, Dynamite needs someone else to hold everything together. Evil Ernie is that fellow. The idea is to depict the battle between Heaven and Hell on earth (yeah, that’s a new idea). The reason good people die young is because Heaven needs them for their army. To keep up with the competition, Hell has sent Evil Ernie to earth to kill a whole bunch of baddies while they’re young for Hell’s army.

Wait, so Ernie is a glorified hitman for Hell? That’s the best you got? Where does the story come in? Snider's reason to tell this story was to give Ernie a reason to kill all of those people. Did he not read the original books? Ernie had plenty of reason to kill everyone in sight. Maybe at first he did so under Lady Death’s sway, but after a while, it was clear that this was definitely in his heart.

I’m sorry, but this pissed me off. In fact, the whole panel kind of tasted sour to me. They tried to glorify a lot of their books, and it’s just not true. Almost everything they put out is crap. If they hadn’t had the balls to pick up THE BOYS after it had been canceled by Wildstorm, I would have no respect for them.

Ah, THE BOYS. The main reason I wanted to go to the panel. Here’s a bunch of Ennis news for you all:


--Ennis will be doing two war stories for Avatar. If they are as awesome as BATTLEFIELDS has been, this should be mind-blowing.


--Someone asked Ennis if he was done writing about Ireland’s Troubles. He said that they’ve been over for 15 years, and he’d been living in New York for so long that he views the weird aftermath as an outsider. But he doesn’t discount the possibility of him returning to the topic.

--Ennis will be returning to CROSSED when the monthly begins (more on that when I talk about the Avatar panel).


--Ennis will also be returning to Marvel with a NICK FURY Max series.

--JENNIFER BLOOD will be handed off to a new writer with issue seven. Disappointing, but nothing new, considering Ennis’ approach to CROSSED.


--In July, we will get the first issue of THE BOYS mini-series on Butcher, illustrated by Darick Robertson. Ennis says that he is prouder of writing this book than any other.


--THE BOYS movie news: Adam McKay is attached to direct. Rybandt says that he heard McKay being interviewed about this, and it seems like he knows what he’s getting into, that he understands THE BOYS and wasn’t just looking for some "flavor of the month" to get his hands on. Ennis also said that he saw a version of the script that was rated PG-13, which was kind of startling. No worries; he says that McKay will be going for a solid R. Butcher probably won’t get to say “cunt” as much as he might want to, but it sounds like they know what they’re doing.

And that was it. They went around the table to tell everyone where each of them would be and when (for signings), and they shut the panel down. Rybandt said there would be a bunch of free books at the back, so we could grab ‘em on our way out, but most everyone rushed Ennis to get him to sign their stuff.

“THIS IS NOT AN IMPROMPTU SIGNING!” Rybandt yelled, and most people scattered. Ennis tried to be gracious and signed a few things, but it was clear that he had a tight schedule and couldn’t stick around.

I approached Rybandt because I had a question I wasn’t sure would be appropriate for the Q&A: “I noticed that Dynamite doesn’t have a presence on the convention floor. Why is that?”

Rybandt shrugged. “We just don’t do conventions.” A weird attitude to have for the event that is shaping up to be the biggest comic convention in the world, second only to San Diego.

I asked where Ennis was signing (because he didn’t say when it was his turn), and Rybandt said, “I don’t know. Look it up in the book.”


I searched the book and found nothing. I eventually had to go to an information kiosk to find out that it was a VIP signing, and you had to pay nearly $200 for a pass. I’m a huge Ennis fan, but no thanks.


As I was packing up, getting ready to go, Rybandt and Ennis breezed past me with frantic, rushed looks on their faces. Rybandt apologized for the people who wanted Ennis to sign things, and Ennis seemed to take it in stride. But he also thanked Rybandt for being very clear with the fans.


I also picked up a free comic book.  It didn't look like much, and when I got around to reading it, I'm sorry to say that it blew so much I didn't even want to review it.  The title will remain nameless, as I don't even want to think about it right now.


I finished grabbing my shit, intent on getting down to the Hero Initiative (so I could get McCrea to sign a few things), but I had to take a piss. I went straight to the bathroom and picked a stall.


I got a weird feeling and glanced to my side, to the person who was standing next to me. It was Garth Ennis. Distantly, I wondered if now would be a good time to ask for an interview.


But I kept my mouth shut. The red zone is for loading and unloading only. I zipped up and went to the sink. As I washed my hands, I looked into the mirror and saw Ennis standing there, waiting. Talk about fucking surreal.


Is this going to be a tradition for me at C2E2? Last year, I found myself in the very same position with Peter Straub, another writer I deeply respect. Hm. I wonder who it will be next year . . . .


[ON A SIDE NOTE, IT OCCURS TO ME THAT I MADE RYBANDT LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE IN THIS ARTICLE.  WELL, HE IS, BUT THEN AGAIN, SO AM I.  MORE IMPORTANTLY, I AM FAIR, AND IF I LEFT THIS PART OUT, I WOULD BE REMISS.  ON THE WAY OUT OF THE BATHROOM, I RAN INTO HIM.  HE WAS CLEARLY WAITING FOR ENNIS.  RYBANDT TOOK THE TIME TO GRACIOUSLY (AND POLITELY) THANK ME FOR ATTENDING THE DYNAMITE PANEL.]