GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #562: YOU CAN ALWAYS GO FUCK YOURSELF

 So here's this thing that has always bugged me over the course of my current job. I haven't run into it at any other sales job because the things I was selling before were pretty singular. Books, for example. Or season tickets to theater. But there are a lot of options for the same auto glass. Many companies do that work.

The thing that bugs me? People who get offended at our prices. Especially if it's over, say, a windshield job that clocks in under $200 when most of the jobs are up in the $500 range. I'll be in the middle of quoting someone a price, and they'll whistle. Or they'll hang up. I get that, and I'm cool with that. But it's the others that get to me. The ones who say, "That's fucking outrageous." Or, "Does that come with a blowjob?" Or, "You're crazy if you think I'm paying that much for whatever."

So you're offended at our prices. Fine. I'm willing to negotiate where I can, but if you're going to be a dick about it, I'm much less inclined to help you. Plus I have about twenty people on hold who might be more receptive to our prices.

"Well, I got such and such a price from this other company!" is a retort I get often. Good for you, Chuckles. Buy from them. There isn't a law that says you have to buy from us. Stop wasting my time so I can help someone else who isn't going to be a dripping goat's penis.

I realize this might make me sound like an asshole, but I'd like to point out that these are things I think. When people are dicks to me, I double down on politeness. There is no fathomable reason why you should react like that when you're just shopping around, anyway. I'd much rather you rudely hung up on me. That saves me from talking to a brick wall, and it helps me move on to the next person on hold.

What could possibly be going through someone's head that they would react so poorly to me giving them a mere quote? Is it some form of self-entitlement? Some holier-than-thou kind of thing? "Dammit, I'm better than everyone else, so I deserve a better price?"

I've been laying off cannabis. For reasons. But my patience with the world is getting thin. I probably need to chill the fuck out.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #12: FUCK FAST FOOD

Oh, how I wish I could agree with the title of this one. I've recently discovered that I'm really bad at quitting fast food. I managed to beat my addiction to caffeine, but fast food? Nope. I've been trying for weeks to defeat this one, but I just can't seem to do it.


A part of me blames Taco Bell for introducing the Quesarito, which is perfect if you order it without sour cream but add extra cheese (both shredded and nacho). That same part of me also blames Wendy's for bringing back the Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburger, which is fucking amazing. And of course there are always the traditional stand-bys, like McDonald's (anything goes there) and White Castle (home of the Flesh of the Chicken Snake).


The fucked up thing? Most times, when I'm eating these things, I don't really give a fuck about them. I'm eating them because I love the idea of them, and that's so fucking crazy, not even I can reconcile it with the person I want to be. It's like jerking off even though you can't get a rod. You need to blow your load, but you can't get hard. That makes things difficult. You'll succeed, but it won't be as awesome as you think it will be. The orgasm will happen, but it will feel dull and weak, which isn't worth your time.


I need to get down to 235 lbs. for the next time I see my doctor, which is in August. Right now, I'm back up to 245. This is unacceptable. I need to tell fast food to go fuck itself, but that's the hardest thing for me to do, even harder than quitting caffeine (which was really fucking bad). I'm a fat ass who ate McDonald's for six years straight when I was in junior high and high school. I beat it when I graduated, since I managed to go an entire summer without that garbage (and I managed to lose 50 lbs. at the time). Why can't I do that again?


Fuck. Tomorrow, I'm going to try the AM Crunchwrap at Taco Bell. I'm probably going to fall in love with it. I suck at this.