GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #741: MORE IS NOT THE ANSWER

 I realize that I'm going to come off as an asshole for this one, but I'm OK with that. I don't know what it is about fast food places, but when they fuck up something, they just give you more stuff. I don't need more stuff. 9 out of 10 times you'll give me something I don't even eat. Like Taco Bell with the cinnamon twists.

"Sorry for the wait. I gave you some fries for the inconvenience."

I don't want the fries. I can't eat fries all that often because they get stuck going down my esophagus, and once they're down they make me feel like I ate a hot air balloon. I only eat fries when I'm at the Country House or I've gotten some from Portillos because of the survey coupon. At no other time do I eat them.

"Sorry about that. I upgraded you to a large drink."

This always happens on lunch break at work because I never order a small at any other time. I'm ordering a small because I have to get back to work and brush my teeth before I punch in. I don't want the large. The large is going to get poured down a fucking sewer. Thanks for your concern.

Instead of giving me additional or bigger things, just comp me the meal. It's not taking a big chunk from your bottom line. I never order more than fifteen bucks anyway, and it's more likely that I spent eight bucks. And it will never be more than twenty. I don't go in places anymore, and I believe it is a crime against humanity to order anything more than $19.99's worth of food when you're at the drive through.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #658: 41 YEARS

 Only a few of you will know this, but from 8th grade all the way through my high school graduation, I ate nothing but McDonald's for dinner. Every. Single. Night. That's five years straight.

And I had the nerve to wonder how I got so fat I looked like Chris Farley in my graduation video.

Well, I changed my habits and lost 40 pounds over that summer, but that's not what I'm here to discuss. I was proud of my five-year stretch. When Supersize Me came out, I cursed Morgan Spurlock's name because that movie made them take away the supersize options, and I thrived on those fuckers.

One day, sometime in high school, I discovered the typed up version of my mom's account of my birth and childhood. You may have seen me post the handwritten version on my social media, which I just found recently. But this typed version held a revelation for me because it detailed my first McDonald's meal. I even know which McDonald's it was: the one in Berkeley on St. Charles, which is still there.

So I know with 100% certainty on which day my love affair with the Golden Arches began, and that was 41 years ago today.

I took such an odd glee in knowing that about myself to the point I put it on the calendar. I'm not all that proud of it anymore, but it takes a lot to get me to take something off the calendar. So there it remains for now.

41 years. I wonder how many billions of those 99 billion served I am.

Yeah, I celebrated today by having McDonald's for lunch. I couldn't help it. It felt necessary.

HEY FUCKERS #5: FAST FOOD BLUES

Here's another unexpected side effect of my new work hours: I've been eating less fast food. I used to like going out for lunch, but now that I'm getting to work before everyone else, I've been getting a great parking spot. By the time lunch would roll around for me, everyone has just arrived at work, and if I abandon my parking spot, the chances are great that I will lose it and have to park in fucking Timbuktu upon my return. I would probably need a Sherpa to get me back to the office. As a result of this, I haven't gone out for lunch in three weeks, which has cut down immensely on the amount of fast food I eat.


Still, it's a bit hard to avoid it when I get out of work. I drive by Taco Bell on the way home, and their quesarito always calls out to me. Most times, I remain strong and get home without stopping. Others? Not so much. I'm going to quit fast food again starting Monday. I haven't been juicing for the holidays, so I'm getting back to that on Monday, as well.


So of course McDonald's sees this as the perfect time to release a TRIPLE FUCKING CHEESEBURGER. I only have two days to enjoy this delight? What the fuck?

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #12: FUCK FAST FOOD

Oh, how I wish I could agree with the title of this one. I've recently discovered that I'm really bad at quitting fast food. I managed to beat my addiction to caffeine, but fast food? Nope. I've been trying for weeks to defeat this one, but I just can't seem to do it.


A part of me blames Taco Bell for introducing the Quesarito, which is perfect if you order it without sour cream but add extra cheese (both shredded and nacho). That same part of me also blames Wendy's for bringing back the Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburger, which is fucking amazing. And of course there are always the traditional stand-bys, like McDonald's (anything goes there) and White Castle (home of the Flesh of the Chicken Snake).


The fucked up thing? Most times, when I'm eating these things, I don't really give a fuck about them. I'm eating them because I love the idea of them, and that's so fucking crazy, not even I can reconcile it with the person I want to be. It's like jerking off even though you can't get a rod. You need to blow your load, but you can't get hard. That makes things difficult. You'll succeed, but it won't be as awesome as you think it will be. The orgasm will happen, but it will feel dull and weak, which isn't worth your time.


I need to get down to 235 lbs. for the next time I see my doctor, which is in August. Right now, I'm back up to 245. This is unacceptable. I need to tell fast food to go fuck itself, but that's the hardest thing for me to do, even harder than quitting caffeine (which was really fucking bad). I'm a fat ass who ate McDonald's for six years straight when I was in junior high and high school. I beat it when I graduated, since I managed to go an entire summer without that garbage (and I managed to lose 50 lbs. at the time). Why can't I do that again?


Fuck. Tomorrow, I'm going to try the AM Crunchwrap at Taco Bell. I'm probably going to fall in love with it. I suck at this.