GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #182: WINTER'S GOT TO COME FAST

This is day two of my new job. I've become a Metra commuter. This means that when I get off the train I have to walk about fifteen minutes to my office. It's fucking killing me.


OK, it costs a lot, but when I've been with the company for three months, they start paying for my train tickets. That's not the worst of it. It's the goddam fucking relentless heat. Even worse, in the morning I walk into the sun. In the evening I walk into the sun. So much direct contact from the sun is turning me to mush. It's not natural. It's a ball of fire in the sky, and it must be avoided at all costs.


I arrive at work every day with a shirt soaked through with sweat. My face is wet. My fingers are squishing together. My balls are almost all the way to my knees, and I can feel them stuck between my thighs. I imagine it looks like the web from the Spider-Man trailers with the Twin Towers in them. Horrible. HORRIBLE.


I try my best to cover my sweat up with cologne, but that's not enough. I feel very uncomfortable for the next eight hours even if my clothes have finally dried off. My hair is a sweaty mess and can't recover from it. I spend about ten minutes before going into the office just trying to clean up, and it never works.


And then I get to do it again on my way back to the train station. I always arrive about 20 minutes before my train departs for Elmhurst, and when I slump down into my seat--picked before anyone else gets on--I see my reflection in the window. It looks like Gollum just before he became Gollum. I put more cologne on even though I know it's not going to make much of a difference. I dab my face with tissue, leaving wet crumbs of the stuff all over my face and collar. I'm turning into a beast.


GAME OF THRONES always threatens that winter is coming. I can't wait for that shit. I need to show up JUST FUCKING ONCE for work without being covered in sweat. I think when winter finally does come I won't even wear a coat. I might even walk the streets of the Windy City in the nude just to feel nice and dry when I walk into the office that morning.


When I get home I shower immediately. It's one of the greatest feelings in the world. Even better than an assisted orgasm. Even better than drinking Wild Turkey 101. Good God, it's even better than reading a kick-ass book.


Can we please ban any weather over seventy degrees? That would be a huge help for me. Either that or we need to invent a transporter. Scotty, beam me to work. I don't care if there's a fly in here with me. Sure, it's fun and games until your dick falls off and you have to keep it in your medicine cabinet. But I'd rather show up dry at work with some semblance of hygiene. Thank you.

C2E2 2013: MEETING JAMES COSMO

Here we have an actor from GAME OF THRONES that I’ve actually gotten to see on the show!  (As opposed to Natalie Dormer, that is.)  James Cosmo is excellent on that show as a stern but fair leader.  He takes no shit in any of his roles.  In fact, although I love his work on GAME OF THRONES, I enjoyed his work as Campbell in BRAVEHEART even more.  He is such a violent, cantankerous old bastard in that movie!  I really wish someone would make a movie out of one of Garth Ennis’s war comics and put Cosmo in it as a bastard of a commanding officer.

He didn’t have much of a line waiting for him, so I was able to directly approach the table and shake his hand.  Holy shit, he’s got a giant hand, and a hell of a grip!  It’s not as big as Peter Mayhew’s, which is the biggest hand I’ve ever come in contact with, but it’s one of the biggest.  Top three, definitely.

For all of the intimidating roles he’s ever played, he is incredibly easygoing in real life.  You can usually tell when a celebrity is just trying to be nice, but Cosmo is actually nice.  In fact, he seemed thrilled to meet me, like it was the highlight of his day, and it was completely genuine.

I told him I really enjoyed Jeor Mormont on GAME OF THRONES, but my favorite of his movies was BRAVEHEART.  We talked a bit about Campbell, and he seemed happy to be talking about that role.  He has a hearty laugh and an inviting smile.  He even impressed Fitz, who was with me that day.  Cosmo has an incredible presence, and I hope he comes back next year.

C2E2 2013: MEETING NATALIE DORMER

First of all, a confession:  I just got into GAME OF THRONES.  I know Natalie Dormer was here to promote that show, but I simply haven’t gotten that far in the series to where she has appeared onscreen.  I only just finished the first season.  That said, I’m a huge fan of THE TUDORS, on which she played Anne Boleyn, one of the many unfortunate wives of King Henry VIII.

When I stood in line to meet her, the first thing I noticed was that she is exactly as beautiful in real life as she is on a two-dimensional screen.  Sometimes, when you meet an actress, you notice that she’s only beautiful from one angle (and the director knows exactly how to shoot her), but not Dormer.

The second thing I noticed was how much time she dedicated to all of her fans.  It cost $40 to meet her, and she made sure they got their money’s worth.  No one was rushed away.  She made sure to spend a bit of time with each person, to chat for a while, to just sort of hang out, which was very cool.

When I got up to the table, I made my GAME OF THRONES confession to her, but then we spent about five minutes just hanging out, talking about THE TUDORS.  Since the entire show is written by one guy (Michael Hirst), there is a lot of cohesion to the plot.  We discussed the merits of having a TV show written like that versus a show written by a roomful of writers, and we definitely sided with the Hirst method.  We also talked about how THE TUDORS had the most beautiful ending to a series ever.  She is very proud of her work on that show, and I am very glad that I met her.