GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #84: I DON'T APPROVE OF THIS BULLSHIT

Before starting, I should warn you that I don't like Pat Quinn. Since America is full of them-or-us bullshit, I feel the need to say that I don't like Rauner, either. Quinn has proven himself to be inadequate for the job of governor of IL, and I don't want him running my state. Rauner is a piece of shit, and I don't want him running my state, either. Don't bother mentioning anyone else, because we all know that it will come down to a choice between these two fuckers and NO ONE ELSE. So yeah, I'm stuck with having either puke or shit run my state after this next election, and there's nothing I can do to avoid that, except move out of the state, which I can't afford right now.

Enough of that. This isn't about politics. This is about horseshit. Or bullshit, if you prefer. I'd even accept dogshit. (To be fair, if Quinn lost, it would be kind of novel to have an Illinois governor who got to leave office without going to prison first.)

This morning, I saw a Quinn reelection commercial. He spouted a bunch of stuff about how he wanted to reform the college loan laws so people could refinance it just like they could refinance a car loan or a mortgage. It's a message I agree with, but that doesn't matter. (Especially since Illinois has waaaaaaay more important problems than that.) But after talking about this for about thirty seconds, he said, "I'm Pat Quinn, and I approve of this message."

That phrase has become so ubiquitous that most people don't even notice it anymore. You all know my feelings about it. However, despite the fact that I'm enraged by this utterance, I'm even angrier at this usage than anything else.

Politicians started saying this because OTHER PEOPLE were saying things about them in an attempt to get them elected, and they decided to add this insidious phrase to those commercials to show their endorsement of those who support them. (OK, I know. The politicians themselves were responsible for these commercials in all reality, so of course they were approving of their own message. But that's all behind the scenes. They were at least pretending that it was otherwise, and I can make my peace with that. It's unethical, but at least it's not stupid.)

However, the Quinn commercial I saw today insulted me on a very basic level. YOU CAN'T USE THAT PHRASE AFTER ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF YOU GIVING THE MESSAGE. If there is a single human being on this planet who couldn't understand the message THAT YOU, PERSONALLY, JUST GAVE US, then you haven't done your job.

The only reason I can possibly fathom for this is that politics has become so untrustworthy that politicians feel the need to tell us, hey guys. We're not liars. We really mean this shit. Here's the thing, though: if you feel the need to tell us that you're not a liar, chances are extremely high that you're a liar.

Any other usage of this--ANY--suggests that you're a dumb ass. You might as well say, "We should do this, that and the other thing. My name is Dumb Motherfucking Piece of Shit, and I approve of the message that just left my stupid fucking redundant non-liar mouth."

Fuck. I need to get laid.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #25: ILLINOIS AND THE ART OF SUCKING DICK (WHILE GETTING YOUR DICK SUCKED MORE)

"Politics is the art of controlling your environment." Hunter S. Thompson said that, and he's very right. No one wants to think about that, though. To most people, it's about family values, who should be able to fuck whom and uterus regulation. Well, it's the same thing, but no one will ever, ever, EVER say it.

Politics is nothing more than a dick-sucking fest. Sometimes, you've got to get some cock in your mouth, but you're a winner if you get to put your cock in someone else's mouth more often. That's all it is. A contest to determine who can suck the least amount of dick while getting one's own dick sucked the most.

Which brings me to Pat Quinn. Oh, Pat Quinn. It's very possible that you'll be the first Illinois governor in a while to leave office without wearing handcuffs. However . . . maybe, just maybe, you should be led away in such a fashion. I know you inherited a shitty situation, but let's face it. If you had the know-how, you would have fixed it by now. Instead, it's gotten insanely worse, year after year.

Dear fellow Illinois citizens: I'm sorry to have to break it to you, but our home is turning into a state-wide version of Detroit. We have no money, and the crime-rate is skyrocketing. We're so fucked, it's ridiculous.

I'm not a very political guy, but I am a humanist. I think my home state is a shit-pit of garbage and shame. This morning, I saw a political ad for Quinn because he is, indeed, up for reelection. In it, he has the gall to portray himself as a man of the people, fighting the system that he clearly is a part of. You've had five years to sort this out, Pat old chum. You're not up to the task.

I don't know who is, of course. But if someone doesn't come along soon, we're going to need Robocop. Peter Weller or Joel Kinnaman, I'll take either one. Maybe not Richard Eden, though.

THE DUI DIARY: Chapter Ten

[EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a very, very angry chapter of THE DUI DIARY. It was also a very, very drunken chapter, as I was hammered out of my mind while writing it. At the same time, I’d like to draw your attention to the fact that I still managed to do my homework, quoting actual members of MADD. While this rant may sound crazy, considering how many times I wished gang-rape on public figures, it still makes sense. Read at your own peril.]



Let’s talk about the BAIID. I was willing to play the State of Illinois’s silly little game. I understand rental fees and maintenance fees and such, but they broke my cardinal rule. They fucked with my money. And now, I’m through with them. This will, of course, mean that I won’t be able to drive until June 2010, but that’s OK. I will never pay the State of Illinois money that it doesn’t deserve.


Maybe I should explain why I want Jesse White to be gang raped by Ron Jeremy, Lexington Steele, Peter North, and a resurrected John Holmes (complete with AIDS). Perhaps saying that I want Judge Guerin (and I WILL mention his name, because he is a public figure) to have his genitals gnawed away by rabid bats would seem a bit rash at this point. Maybe, just maybe, saying that I want everyone in MADD to be drawn and quartered in a salt pit would be a bit excessive right now. Let me tell you about what I received in the mail yesterday.


If you’ll remember from the last time, I was willing to get that stupid BAIID thing on my car. Not because I’m guilty, but because I’m sick and tired of people driving me around. After what Jesse White’s office sent me yesterday, I can safely say that I’m happy having others drive me around. Of course, I reimburse them somehow. Gas money, pizzas, Red Bulls, etc.


The State of Illinois is packed with fascists, and you will understand my position soon. I received a document that would have been right at home in Stalin’s Russia. Allow me to elucidate.

Do you remember last time? When Earl said that the payment would be about $200? Well, he must not have taken into consideration what Jesse White would request of me. Before I can get the BAIID installed, they want me to pay the maintenance fees upfront.


Yes, on Jesse White’s letter, it asked me to pay it all up front at $110 a month. Wait! There’s a problem. Since things have run late for me, I’m only on TEN months, not eleven. Therefore, the maintenance fees should be $220 short. But it doesn’t matter. It’s what Jesse White says it is. All 12 months, unconditional and non-negotiable. Remember my appeal? If my appeal is successful, I would NOT get that money back. It’s non-refundable, according to White’s letter to me.


FUCK THAT.


In addition to this, White has the GALL to ask me for a permit fee for this BAIID. Granted, it’s only $8, but still, it sounds like an attempt to squeeze just a little bit more money out of me. It’s fucking insulting. Just imagine if you went out to dinner at an expensive place, and the restaurant asked you to supply an additional fee, just for the privilege of allowing you to eat at their establishment. Am I alone in thinking that this is bullshit? I doubt it. Do you think I’m lying? If I don’t pay $338 for the BAIID IN ADVANCE, I don’t get to have it.


Again, FUCK THAT!


But let’s move on. I have too much bile in me to waste on Jesse White right now. Sure, his tumblers were cute back in the day. But FUCK HIM. He’s sold out. He’s no longer concerned with helping the little people out. He’s out for NUMBER ONE now. Fuck him in his tender asshole.


Let’s go over the points in the BAIID letter I just got. I won’t go over every point, but I will go over everything I find objection to.


Like point four. It asks that I bring my car in for examination after the BAIID machine asks me to do so within five working days. First of all, what if I can’t do so? I have a job. I’m a useful member of society. I can’t be at their beck and call. Well, if I don’t make it, I will have my suspension extended, which will cost me $330 additional. FUCK THAT.


Or how about point seven? If I fail my BAIID blow, for a variety of reasons, I need to bring my car in for a check up. That might sound reasonable at first, but think about it. Excessive amounts of mouth wash or soda will set off your BAIID. Doesn’t that sound fucked up to you? Every time you set it off because of mouth wash or soda or bread (yes, bread will do it, too), you have to apologize to the State of Illinois? NO! If you agree to this, you have been brainwashed by fearmongers. You are a fool.


Think about point nine for a second. If my suspension is extended three times, my car can be IMPOUNDED for 30 days at my expense. Followed by point 10: if my suspension is extended four times, my car can be seized and sold at an auction. FUCK YOU, JESSE WHITE! FUCK YOU! YOU THINK YOU’RE IMMUNE TO OUR HATRED BECAUSE YOU HAVE TUMBLERS?! YOU SUCK, AND SO DO EVERY ONE OF THE PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH!


It gets worse. If I’m caught breaking ANY other law (even non-traffic laws), I can have my suspension extended. How the fuck does this make sense? Is the State of Illinois populated by asylum escapees? Really? Fuck Pat Quinn and his predecessor. Hook ‘em up to perpetual assfucking machines. The studded ones.


Feast your eyes on point 14. If I drive a vehicle without a BAIID on it, I can be put in jail for anywhere between 30 days to 3 years, and I will have to pay a fine up to $25,000. Did I kill anyone? Did I fuck your mother? Did I rape your daughter or your wife? No, I operated a vehicle while slightly intoxicated. I would have made it home fine, if not for your unconstitutional roadblock stop. I broke no moving laws. You are a fascist, and you want money from me. Cut your own dick off and stick it in your own asshole, OK? That would make me happy.


My grandfather took one look at this document, and he said, “What the fuck country do we live in? When did we bring Hitler back to life?” In his day, do you know what they did with drunk drivers? They slapped them on the wrist and drove them home. At worst, you wound up in the drunk tank for the evening. When you were sober, they sent you home. I don’t see what was wrong with that.


Seriously, if you were pulled over because you were swerving across lanes or going through stop lights, you deserve a DUI. If you were acting like a responsible driver, like me, you shouldn’t have to deal with this Nazi bullshit. This is a persecution the world has not seen since Jesus was crucified. In fact, the Romans who beat and whipped Jesus through the streets, as seen in Mel Gibson’s THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST, were a lot more forgiving than the State of Illinois.


You think I’m exaggerating? The Chicago Tribune recently published a falsified article to show that the BAIID isn’t really that bad. It said that to get it installed, it would only cost $100 to get it installed and $110 to have it monitored and serviced every month. But they don’t mention that everything must be paid up front. This is an old journalist trick to fool readers into being on the writer’s side. Give ‘em some of the truth, but leave out a few details. Surprised? Remember, journalism isn’t about truth, it’s about a business. If you don’t toe the line at your respective paper, then you get fired.


Do you know who got this law passed? MADD did the trick. If they had their way, DUI suspects (not those who have been convicted, but SUSPECTS) would all be castrated and have the word “LOSER” tattooed on our foreheads. They believe anyone who would drink and drive should be jailed and probably waterboarded. Guess what? Most people drive impaired at some point in our lives. The only way to stop this is to OUTLAW DRINKING. And that really worked out the last time we tried that. I’m sick and tired of bullshit. If you think ingesting a particular substance is wrong, you should ban it, right? But we don’t. Why? Because all of the really good civilizations on this planet were founded on BOOZE. That’s right. Name ONE country that wasn’t founded by drunkards. Go ahead. You can’t. It’s impossible. Philosophers are all hardcore drinkers. Or they’re opium fiends. Or they smoke weed. Why? Because altered states help you see through the bullshit to the truth of the universe. If you can’t see through it all, YOU ARE NOT HUMAN. You’re a douchebag who thinks he knows what he’s talking about. [It should be mentioned here that the inebriated me is not talking about calling non-drug users douchebags. What he’s suggesting is that people who can’t see through the bullshit our universe is made of tend to be douchebags who talk a lot and don’t know how it really is. Just thought I’d clarify, as drunk me isn’t being very clear.]


Some of us can handle drinking .08. In fact, I know FOR SURE I can drive on .2 successfully. It’s all relative. If you can’t handle it, you don’t belong on the road. You belong in jail, where you will be raped repeatedly by a guy named Otis with tats on his arms proving conclusively, in Braille and expressionist art, that you are his bitch.


BAC is not a reliable method of judging how drunk someone is. If you are breaking moving laws, you should be pulled over and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. If you can handle yourself while drunk, you should not be subjected to these horribly unconstitutional safety roadblock checks.


Then, why would the BAIID be such a successful campaign? I hear you ask. Actually, it’s not as successful as the State of Illinois would have you believe. Of all those accused of DUI in this state, guess how many have the BAIID installed on their cars. Of 50,000 people a year, only 25,000 get it. Even though only 40,000 are first time offenders (like me), most decide to eat the suspension. Why? I can only give my reason for skipping it: I refuse to give the State of Illinois money it doesn’t deserve. Still, this is NOT making money for Pat Quinn (even though it’s supposed to be a money making scheme). The executive director of Illinois Mothers Against Drunk Driving, Susan McKeigue, can’t even admit to this. She said recently that, “It could go better, but it’s going well.” Really? When only 25,000 people out of 50,000 go for the hideously illegal BAIID, things are going well? That’s only a two-to-one proposition. That will net you the least amount of money on any proposition. How can that be considered a winning situation?


Think about this: how many people have you ever seen with a BAIID on their cars? I’ve driven all over this state, mostly for the City of Elmhurst four years ago, and I have NEVER EVER seen a BAIID on ANYONE’S car. Even now, driving 16 miles to work and 16 miles back from work EVERY DAY, I have never seen a BAIID. Why? I live pretty fucking close to Chicago. If there were BAIID’s out on the road, I would have seen them, right? At least one, right? I haven’t. What does that tell me? NO ONE GETS THIS FUCKING THING. I saw a picture of a guy in the Trib getting it installed on his car, but for all I know, it was a staged photo. I challenge you to show me ONE person in the State of Illinois who has this thing on their car. I know you guys are all hardcore drinkers (well, mostly). I’m willing to believe that NONE of you knows someone in this situation. Am I wrong? Let me know, and I’ll correct myself immediately.


The only way to stop drunk driving is to outlaw booze entirely, and that has never successfully worked in history. Honestly, if it was legal, I’d smoke weed all the time. It’s not harmful, and it doesn’t cause permanent injury to the user. Hell, I’d trip my ass off on shrooms all the time. I find that such excursions into the mental realm are always rewarding. But booze is sanctioned by the US government. If you want to regulate this, you’re saying the US government is wrong. Good luck telling Obama that he’s a fool. After everything you people have said about his health care plan, he’s used to your Nazi gibberish.


Stop persecuting me because I love whiskey! How would you like it if I started giving you shit for liking salads, for example? I hate salads. You don’t see me trying to make salads illegal, do you?


Think twice before calling me a criminal. The hangman comes for everyone, eventually.


TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW!