GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #25: ILLINOIS AND THE ART OF SUCKING DICK (WHILE GETTING YOUR DICK SUCKED MORE)

"Politics is the art of controlling your environment." Hunter S. Thompson said that, and he's very right. No one wants to think about that, though. To most people, it's about family values, who should be able to fuck whom and uterus regulation. Well, it's the same thing, but no one will ever, ever, EVER say it.

Politics is nothing more than a dick-sucking fest. Sometimes, you've got to get some cock in your mouth, but you're a winner if you get to put your cock in someone else's mouth more often. That's all it is. A contest to determine who can suck the least amount of dick while getting one's own dick sucked the most.

Which brings me to Pat Quinn. Oh, Pat Quinn. It's very possible that you'll be the first Illinois governor in a while to leave office without wearing handcuffs. However . . . maybe, just maybe, you should be led away in such a fashion. I know you inherited a shitty situation, but let's face it. If you had the know-how, you would have fixed it by now. Instead, it's gotten insanely worse, year after year.

Dear fellow Illinois citizens: I'm sorry to have to break it to you, but our home is turning into a state-wide version of Detroit. We have no money, and the crime-rate is skyrocketing. We're so fucked, it's ridiculous.

I'm not a very political guy, but I am a humanist. I think my home state is a shit-pit of garbage and shame. This morning, I saw a political ad for Quinn because he is, indeed, up for reelection. In it, he has the gall to portray himself as a man of the people, fighting the system that he clearly is a part of. You've had five years to sort this out, Pat old chum. You're not up to the task.

I don't know who is, of course. But if someone doesn't come along soon, we're going to need Robocop. Peter Weller or Joel Kinnaman, I'll take either one. Maybe not Richard Eden, though.