GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #611: HORRIBLE THOUGHTS FROM MY HEAD #611

 I had this thought. And I can't blame cannabis because I wasn't high at the time. And this sounds like a high idea. Really.

I was holding a Choose Your Own Adventure and making a practice run when I thought, what if I did a Choose Your Own Adventure, but . . .

All right. You know how almost all of them start with page one, and then they say to continue to page two, sometimes even three before they give you a choice? What if I did one where you're instructed to keep going to four, then five, then six, and before you realize it, you're not in a Choose Your Own Adventure, you're just reading a book?

It made me laugh, but that's a really horrible idea.

Although thinking about CYOA books recently reminded me of The (Pick Your Own) Adventures of Roily Gemstone: An Autobiography. It is sadly out of print, and the author wishes to remain nameless. A CYOA book that never ends? That's good shit right there. Oh, and that link on the Gemstone review sadly no longer works. I remember enjoying those ridiculous songs.

WIZARD WORLD CHICAGO 2013 ARTISTS ALLEY: THE (PICK YOUR OWN) ADVENTURES OF ROILY GEMSTONE

I have Leo Perez to thank for this one.  I don’t know how I missed it when I was at the convention.  If I had seen something that warned me that “this book may cause diarrhea and wet dreams (at the same time),” I would have certainly picked it up.  Not only that, but it’s a parody of CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURES.  I mean, come on.  It’s an autobiography.  You can’t have a “pick your own adventure” autobiography.  This book is pure genius!  Some of the choices you have are incredibly awesome.  Check this one out:

“If Roily first opens the letter from his long lost dad, go to section 7.  If Roily first opens the Publisher’s Clearinghouse junk mail letter, go to section 25.  But don’t say I didn’t warn you.  This second plot is worthless, shitty, and goes nowhere!”

Or how about this one?

“If you want to read a lot more bullshit, go to section 27.  If you want to quickly end this meaningless story, go to section 35.”

Sometimes, the choice is whether or not Roily should take a shit, or if he should try to get laid.  But no matter what you choose, you will come to dread section 8.  Because surprise!  This book NEVER ENDS!  It just loops over and over again.  This is incredible!  You need to check this one out as soon as possible.  Best of all, Roily actually has songs online!  Check it out here.