FUTURE BOOZE JESUS 1

Good news, everyone! We have enough questions for not one, but TWO Future Booze Jesus advice columns. But don’t let that stop you from posting more questions, which you can do in the comments section below. Let’s see if we can get a third installment, shall we?



Okay, so recording FBJ’s drunken answers didn’t work out so much because he either muttered too softly to be heard or screamed so loudly that his voice reverberated. What finally worked for me was getting hammered in front of a keyboard. There were a lot of typos, but the message got through. Edited for clarity, here are FBJ’s startling answers to your dire questions.

Billy Graham asks: “I am considering developing a methamphetamine addiction. Is this as bad an idea as the National Geographic documentaries suggest it might be?”

FBJ replies: This is the best idea you’ve ever had. Fuck National Geographic. They don’t know what they’re talking about. They should have called themselves International Geographic, if they were so smart. No, meth will make you invincible. It might even make your dick grow an extra seven inches. NEXT QUESTION!


Rico asks: “Isaac Newton invented calculus but died a virgin. What’s more important, being a math geek or getting laid?”

FBJ replies: Who the fuck uses calculus? I think you’ve answered your own stupid question. Then again, who uses your dick? The answer to life’s greatest question: prostitutes. NEXT QUESTION!

Cliff asks: “Why Future Booze Jesus? Jesus never predicted the future.”

FBJ replies: Jesus never predicted the future because he never had to; he lives there, as well as in the past and present. He knows when you’ve been touching yourself, and he knows when you’ve been beating children with rusty chains . . . because he’s there with you at all times. NEEEEEEXT QUESSSSSSTION!

Jon Lennon asks: “If Superman’s penis was cut off with a Kryptonite knife, would said penis have all the strengths of Superman? If I ingested said penis, would I gain Superman’s powers?”

FBJ replies: Funny you should mention this. DC plans to answer this question in the March 2052 issue of ACTION COMICS. For those of you not willing to wait 42 years, yes, you could fire a bullet at Superman’s disembodied cock, and it would be deflected. No, it cannot leap skyscrapers in a single bound. Yes, if you threw it at an oncoming train, it would stop the locomotive in its tracks. You would not, however, gain its powers by swallowing it. First of all, you might choke on it, since he is uncircumcised and ten inches long (flaccid). Secondly, he has not cleaned up his smegma. Lastly, it will give you indigestion, and it will never pass through your intestines. Swallowing his cock might actually kill you. As your doctor and messiah, I recommend swallowing Green Lantern’s dick instead. It’s not as cumbersome, and he keeps it clean.

That’s all for this week. Tune in next Friday for more Future Booze Jesus advice! Next up: does booze kill brain cells? Will there be a woman president in the next 20 years? What exactly is Yoda? And more! Don’t forget, if more questions arise, please post them in the comments! FBJ’s advice is free, but booze donations are welcome . . . .

SHIT SHIT 1-13-11

Sorry folks, but nothing interesting came out this week. In fact, it was such a small week, I’m surprised. I can actually afford tonight’s outing at Shark City. Weird.



However, since it’s the new year, I thought I would take this opportunity to mention a few things that are bothering me about the world of comics these days. Grab a helmet and buckle in. I’m kind of angry.


DC, you are my first target. Don’t worry, it’s not about the content of your books. It’s always been bad with very few exceptions. (All right, I’m still pissed off that HITMAN got canceled. It was the best book you put out since the original JONAH HEX. Fuckers.) No, my gripe is with the presentation of your new books. It’s a nice design, and it jumps off the racks, so I guess it does its job. Maybe it’s a bit plain, but that’s just my opinion. The problem, though, is the lack of identification of those who worked on the title. Where are the writer and artist’s names? I will always buy JONAH HEX, even if you send him to the future again. However, the only time I’ll read, say, BATMAN or SUPERMAN is if they are written by people I admire. I followed BATMAN when Ed Brubaker helmed the title. I read Brian Azzarello’s SUPERMAN. I would never have read GREEN ARROW if not for Kevin Smith. When their runs ended, I stopped reading. So if Garth Ennis starts writing TEEN TITANS (for whatever ungodly reason), it will benefit your company to put his name on the cover. I, for one, will buy it.


Next up: alternate takes on the G.I. JOE and/or TRANSFORMERS universe. The main story lines for these books are good enough for me. The occasional mini-series is awesome. But I don’t give a fuck about what’s going on in a parallel universe to these characters. 100% of the time, it’s lame. It’s worse than lame. I hear you say, “If you don’t like them so much, don’t read them.” Fair enough. However, there is always the danger of the alternate world crossing over with the main storyline, and nothing would piss me off more. The TRANSFORMERS ANIMATED books are horrible, by the way. I tried them, and they made me want to jab a heated sewing needle into my asshole. And while we’re at it, can we kill the TRANSFORMERS MOVIE line of books? And if G.I. JOE NOIR comes back for more issues, I will take hostages.

To a lesser extent, I hope the resurrection of the original G.I. JOE Marvel series doesn’t last long. The idea is cool. Get Larry Hama to continue the series that captivated me when I was a kid. But the new Joe books kick the shit out of this relic from the past. In fact, the book kind of comes off as naïve. Let the old continuity die. It soldiered its way through many years in the ‘Eighties and ‘Nineties; it has earned its rest.

One more thing: Nice Stargate, TRANSFORMERS PRIME. Who are you going to rip off next?


Here’s some praise: thank you, Vertigo, for seeing the wisdom in dumping JACK OF FABLES. It was an awesome book for a long time, but the last year or so has sucked a donkey dick. This is a smart move. That is all.