GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #772: FUCK CONTENT

 I've gone on this anti-content rant before--many times--and I wish I had the time to actually go back and find some of it to show as examples, but it's late and I'm on the edge of being too high. It disgusts me whenever someone refers to art as content. And now that I think about it, IP is another term that can take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.

I'm a huge Ed Brubaker fan. I've been reading his stuff since he did Scene of the Crime at Vertigo back in the 'Nineties. And his is one of the many newsletters I get, and in one he sent not too long ago he goes on a rant about referring to art as content or IP. It reminded me of me, so I thought I'd quote some of it.

I thought I'd open this time with how sick I am of the words 'content' and 'IP.'  They sound like scientific terms, like referring to a car as a "transportation device" or food as "processed nutrition." Which are both technically true, but you never see people actually calling them that like it's some cool industry jargon. 

Yet somehow in the last ten years, I've seen writers and filmmakers, some comics people even, start using the phrase IP regularly and not getting mocked for it. That lack of mocking was a mistake. IP is what the studios called what you did so they could say it was their property and go get a billion dollars from a bank. Banks don't like "comic characters" but "intellectual property" sounds like a real asset. 

And there we have it. Art is worthless, but IP and content are quantifiable things that corporations can make gobs of money off of. I get it. No one wants to take a chance on your art if it's not going to make money, but to reduce value to strictly financial terms is fucking horrible. No wonder the corporate greedheads have been fighting so hard to change the terminology. Art is something worth fighting over. Content doesn't sound like much of anything, does it?

And then he gets to this part:

You even hear about book publishers asking for media rights on novels sometimes now, after hundreds of years of them not doing that.

Aspiring writers, please take note. If a publisher says they're going to buy your book and also wants media rights like, say, for example, movie rights, then DON'T SIGN THAT CONTRACT. They're counting on you being overtaken by the thrill of getting a publishing contract that you won't think this is out of the ordinary. The only rights you should be selling them is the right to publish your book. The only way you should ever sign any other rights to them is to get your money's worth. Make it a price so high that they'll think you're crazy. My price is $100M. If they're willing to pay me that much money for the movie rights to a book, then they're welcome to it. But chances are, they won't. One of the good things about being an author is that you can sell OPTIONS to your work instead of the rights. Sometimes that's the gift that keeps on giving. I wish someone would option some of my books. They don't ever have to make the movie. I don't care. Because that, my good fuckers, is money for nothing. 

You'll have to get your chicks for free some other way, though.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #696: BLACKOUTS

 

Maybe a couple of weeks ago I read the new book from Brubaker and Phillips, Night Fever. It's fun. Not sure I like the ending, but everything else is a good time. It's about a promoter for a publishing house going to Europe for a convention only to get into some serious fuckin' trouble, especially when he blacks out in the presence of another character, but the panel above really spoke to me. As someone who has been a heavy, heavy drinker for almost two decades, I've had my share of blackouts, and I always wondered what was really in the driver's seat. Because it certainly wasn't me.

Brubaker continues: "You're not unconscious, passed out in some corner . . . You're just not there somehow. So what part of your mind is pulling your strings then?" An excellent question for which I don't have an answer. I think about the saying, "First the man takes the drink, then the drink takes the man." Is there a spirit (heh) to the alcohol that takes up residence like a possession? And only sobriety can exorcise the demon? Or maybe another you, like a split personality? Perhaps it's the lizard brain come out to play.

The scariest blackout I ever came out of was when I came back to myself behind the wheel of my car, going about 60 mph down an expressway. A tollway, at that. I do my absolute best to avoid tollways, so Blackout Me decided it might be a good idea to take one? What the fuck was he thinking?

(He asked, as if that was the most horrifying part of this anecdote.)

But most blackouts are pieced together the next day after I wake up, like a mystery. Has science tried to get to the bottom of this? We probably should do a study. If I was still drinking I'd volunteer in a heartbeat. Because I'd like to know, who am I when I've had so much to drink that I'm not me anymore?

THE JOHN BRUNI MUSEUM OF MEDIOCRE (AT BEST) SHIT #9: REVIEW OF SCENE OF THE CRIME #1

[By now you might have surmised my problem. I only read three comic books back then: Evil Ernie, Preacher and Hitman. What the fuck was I going to do for the rest of my time as a comic book reviewer? I had to find new shit. I remember I was in the Wheaton Graham Crackers, and I saw Scene of the Crime #1 was the week’s recommended read. I decided to give it a try. It was my first experience with Ed Brubaker, and it certainly wasn’t my last. I did cringe while rereading this review. I wasn’t old enough to read Chandler’s books. I didn’t get it at the time. I want to go back in time and slap the shit out of the kid I was back then. Chandler is now one of my favorite mystery authors. I also didn’t know jack shit about romantics at the time. I don’t claim to be a genius. I’m pretty sure I’m not. But life is a learning process, and I am lightyears ahead of the stupid kid I was. You’ll probably notice a lot of this shit as the John Bruni Museum of Etc. progresses. This is from the April 13, 1999 issue of the Elmhurst College Leader.]

New mini-series “Scene of the Crime” is an odd addition to Vertigo DC. In fact, one could say it is a mystery. For one, it is a bit slow (not that it is bad—the storytelling is excellent) with a surprising shortage of violence. There is one fight scene and one near-fight. Speaking of shortages, there’s very little Vertigo trademark swearing, and there’s absolutely no nudity despite a high sexual content. This is the story that proves Vertigo can hook the reader without being vulgar.

It’s a crazy hybrid story that is noir-ish, yet breaks the stereotypical private investigator we are used to. The story starts out with a conversation in the middle of the rainy night to set the noir mood, and to supplement it, there are plenty of blinds to look through (the cover sports a nice set). Of course, there’s a stakeout of a seedy motel (always a requirement when it comes to detective noir). As Jack Herriman, the main character, makes his way through his investigation, one can only be reminded of Phillip Marlowe, except Jack has a lot more personality than Chandler’s detective.

Jack is not the private investigator one would expect. He breaks the stereotype set by Bogie in movies like The Maltese Falcon. For one, the immortal trench coat is missing, and in its place is a sweater. He doesn’t even smoke! Not only that, but his office isn’t dark and dirty, littered with empty bourbon bottles. It’s kind of neat, barring a few loose papers on his desk. Jack’s not even a tough guy. The one fight that appears in the comic, he loses, and he confesses that he loses quite often. He doesn’t own a gun (or any other weapon, for that matter). Instead of Bogie’s wise comments made to thugs’ faces, Jack insults them as he drives away.

The one thing that sets him apart from other fictional detectives, which makes this story so good, is that Jack’s a romantic dreamer. When he sees a picture of the woman he is supposed to find, he notices a “quiet sadness” that attracts him. Later, when he actually finds her, he keeps relating the feeling of being on a date instead of working on a case. He’s a very deep character. As for the story, it’s pretty good. The plot is simple: Alexandra Jordan is sent to Jack by an old friend on the police force. She wants Jack to find her sister Maggie. The cops can’t get involved because of her bad record, which leaves Jack on his own.

Writer Ed Brubaker’s strong point is definitely characterization. He’s also very good at the cliffhanger ending. It was so surprising it felt like a punch to the gut.

Artist Michael Lark isn’t half-bad, either. He is at his best when using shadows and placing thoughtful looks on Jack’s face.

Scene still has three issues to go, and with a character like Jack, no matter what happens in the story, it’s definitely worth the two-fifty each month.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #88: COMIC BOOK READER

In the wake of the new season of COMIC BOOK MEN, I feel the need to talk about my love of comic books. Since I started reviewing comic books for the Elmhurst College LEADER in 1998, I've been considered a comic book reader. To be fair, I did this long before. I loved comics when I was a kid, and I didn't stop until Marvel's incarnation of THE TRANSFORMERS ended, much to my chagrin. Years later, CJ, a friend I'd met during my senior year of high school, got me back into comics with EVIL ERNIE, PREACHER and HITMAN. Three years later, I was writing reviews for the LEADER as the first comic book reviewer EVER on staff. My time there won me an award from the Chicago TRIBUNE. (I got two, actually, but I only got one for my comic book work.)


Still, whenever I mention my love of comic books, people assume I'm talking about superheroes. This pisses me off a great deal, because not all comic books are about superheroes. In fact, I don't like superheroes. I know, that's blasphemy in this age of Marvel movies. Let me make myself clear: I love the superhero movies, but I can't stand the superhero comic books. I'm not condemning those books. It's a matter of taste. I don't like them, but I don't hate people who like them. That's your business, not mine.


I don't really read superhero comic books. The only time I do is when a writer I respect is writing them. There are a handful of great superhero stories, I think. One of them is obviously WATCHMEN. Another is THE BOYS, which is one of the greatest comic books ever written. I loved Mark Millar's take on OLD MAN LOGAN. The same goes for David Morrell's take on SAVAGE WOLVERINE. And then there's books like Brian Azzarello's WONDER WOMAN and so on and so forth.


But ultimately, those aren't the books I'm interested in, aside from THE BOYS. I think superheroes are stupid. I find it's a fucking shame that the average person isn't aware that comic books are more than some person wearing skintight underwear facing off against criminal/evil alien villains. I want PREACHER. I want TRANSMETROPOLITAN. I want 100 BULLETS. And yes, I want LOCKE & KEY. How about AMERICAN VAMPIRE? Or DICKS? Or CROSSED? Or THE FADE OUT? Or CRIMINAL or FATALE? FBP? SAGA? SEX CRIMINALS? STRAY BULLETS? TREES? How about DORK and MILK AND CHEESE? I could go on forever, but most average people, whenever they think of comic books, will think about Superman, Batman, the X-Men, Spider-Man and whoever else wears spandex tight enough to show the shape of their genitals.


I love Tommy Monaghan, one of the few guys in the old DCU who took the piss out of superheroes on a regular basis. He puked on Batman and showed how Green Lantern was a cheapskate. Or how about THE BOYS, who policed the degenerate supes?


But . . . the loyal fans of HITMAN remember very well that there was one superhero who had earned Tommy's trust: Superman. And just like that, I can appreciate certain things about the comic book superheroes.


Whenever someone brings something cool into the Stash on COMIC BOOK MEN, I can truly appreciate it. I'm wowed. I'm very interested to see how these things turn out, because they're historical documents.


But let's be honest. Superheroes should have died out long ago. Marvel manages to keep them alive, for the most part. I don't like a lot of their methods, but they have their hearts in the right place. DC, on the other hand, has driven their titles into the ground. They don't know what the fuck they're doing. If their BATMAN/SUPERMAN movie succeeds, it will only be because people were curious enough to see it. Not because it's great, though.


Some superheroes are immortal, and that's fine. Those who aren't should have been released a while ago. The Big Two work constantly to reinvent these characters, but in all honesty, I think they should just be released. If they continue with new people behind the mask, then it's the same ol' bullshit as ever. If there's a reboot, no matter how much you change it, it's still the same ol' bullshit as ever. If you let these characters die? They can serve a narrative purpose.


Reboots only serve as commercial agents. Actually killing characters off would serve stories very well. Not like I give a shit. Just give me my non-superhero books, and I'll be satisfied.


But what the fuck do I care? You guys fuck around with your superhero comics, and I'll stay over here with the other stuff. Goodnight, fuckers.

COOL SHIT 3-27-14

THE WALKING DEAD #124: “All Out War” continues, and the injured members of the Hilltop are starting to turn into zombies. Jesus pieces Negan’s plan together, and everyone starts looking at Rick, realizing that he was wounded by one of the tainted weapons. Or was he . . ? Ah, fuck it. We all know Dwight didn’t taint the bolt. Please. Everyone else is turning, but Rick isn’t? Why else would he not be? I hope Kirkman proves me wrong. Now would be the perfect time to kill Rick. Could you imagine if Jesus was the protagonist instead? Or even better, Negan? I know, I keep saying that. I know Kirkman will never let Negan lead the book, but Jesus? It could happen. (Hey, one more thing: I can’t wait for this story arc to be over, not just because I have high hopes that it will be bloody and it will change everything, but also because I’m sick of these bland covers. They’ve all sucked.)

THE TRANSFORMERS: DARK CYBERTRON #2: Wow. They killed off some big characters with this story arc. Last issue, they offed the most popular character in their history, Bumblebee. Now, Shockwave is gone. And . . . well, I’ll let Megatron speak for the rest of this entry. Nothing I could say is cooler than that.

FATALE #21: In this issue, we get even more information about Josephine’s past, in particular about her relationship with Otto, the only man who is completely immune to her wiles. But the big deal about this issue is the party Jo drags Nick to. She’s interested in stealing a very important artifact, something you wouldn’t expect. And though it’s been done several times over the course of the series, it never ceases to amaze me how men respond to Jo, especially when she isn’t around them. It’s painful to watch, and it never stops being so. THREE ISSUES TO GO!

COOL SHIT 3-6-14

TRILLIUM #7: Another mind-bending issue from Jeff Lemire. Wow, there are a lot of great visuals in this one, and a lot happens. However, the thing that truly makes this issue cool is the reveal that the Atabithian language can actually be translated by readers. It’s pretty easy to figure out what they’re saying when you have some context, but when there aren’t any words in English around their odd squiggly language, it becomes nearly impossible. In the back of this issue, Lemire gives us the means of translating it all. How cool is that?

VELVET #4: Dammit. Burke left us for another job. He was a pretty cool character. But in this issue, we gain a new, interesting character in the form of Roman, who used to be a Russian spy until a job went bad, and he started freelancing rather than go to a gulag. Velvet goes to the king of all masquerade parties in order to track him down. You don’t get more exotic than that, and of course there’s plenty of two-fisted spy action to go with it. Velvet and Roman are old enemies, but they seem to have a lot of respect for each other and enjoy being in each others presence. Great weird stuff from Ed Brubaker.

THE TWILIGHT ZONE #3: Finally! We get the story of who is really wearing Trevor Richmond’s body, and it’s a doosy. While the real Trevor gave up all of his wealth to get into a new body in order to evade the authorities, a man who is dying of a very painful disease is given Trevor’s body—and life—to live in until the time of his death . . . for free. The poor bastard, who was a stock boy at a Wal-Mart-ish store, is living Trevor’s life as Trevor should have. But now Trevor wants his old life back . . . This tale of identity is really getting heated up. Very obviously, the real Trevor is a piece of shit, and no one could possibly root for him, but he’s a resourceful piece of shit. Looks like this one will be wrapped up with next issue.

STARLIGHT #1: This book has a special place in my heart because it tackles one of my favorite subjects. Take an old fashioned pulp hero and take a look at him in his old age. I wrote a story on the subject called “Fade Away,” which was published in THE REALM BEYOND (buy it here!). My story was about a pulp hero who, as an old man, encounters the bones of one of the monsters he vanquished at the Field Museum. Mark Millar’s new book is about a pulp hero, but no one knows he was a pulp hero. (Or he’s got a screw loose. It’s hard to tell.) Once upon a time, he got sucked into a wormhole and found himself in another world, where he saves the people from a tyrant. Then, he comes back home and lives the life of a regular guy. Now he’s an old man who just lost his wife to breast cancer. The only family he has left are his sons, and they’ve got their own lives to live. He’s trying to make the most of his old age, but then a reminder of his past comes back to haunt him. Is he going to end up back in a pulp adventure? I don’t know, but I’m fucking excited to see where this goes. Some of these layouts are amazing, juxtaposing his adventurous youth with his mundane life as an old man. Great stuff from Goran Parlov, who also worked with Garth Ennis on his PUNISHER Max series and one of the greatest war miniseries ever written, FURY: MY WAR GONE BY.

COOL SHIT 1-9-14

SEX CRIMINALS #4: Of course I’m going to love a series called SEX CRIMINALS. It helps that it’s illustrated by the maniac behind PRISON FUNNIES, Chip Zdarsky. In case you don’t know, this book is about two people who discover that they can freeze time whenever they have an orgasm, so they decide to fuck each other and take advantage of the frozen world by robbing banks. Unfortunately for them, there is a police force that keeps an eye out for such things, and our sex criminals are now on guard against them. We learn a bit about one of the “cops” in this issue, that she’s a soccer mom whose job comes second to her precious kids. We also find out what happens when one smokes weed in frozen time. But best of all is Suzie’s roommate’s conclusion, that Suzie’s new boyfriend has gotten her hooked on public sex and now they’re planning bank heists together. In what world would one jump so readily to that conclusion? By the way, SC has the absolute best letters column ever. Even better than PREACHER’s. I love the sex tips at the top of each page. For example: “Nothing wrong with stopping at second base for the first few weeks. But if you were a pro baseball player I’d fucking fire you.” Or this: “Sex is a wonderful and natural way to discover if your partner is a lousy lay or not.” And be sure to check out Zdarsky’s pizza vagina.

FATALE #19: We’ve reached the end of another story arc, and it’s been a lot of fun to watch Brubaker return to his roots with a story like this. Of course it ends tragically. Maybe more tragic than on the surface, actually, considering the epilogue. Josephine has finally come back to herself. She knows who she is again, but there’s no way she can save the day, not for a group of people who were doomed from the very moment we met them. And then there’s Mr. Somerset, and I can’t wait to learn more about him. Brubaker says that the next story is going to be much different from anything else he’s done here. I have no choice but to believe him. This book defies expectations. It started with Lovecraftian noir, and it’s come so far, especially in the one-story issues. I can’t wait to see what’s next. (By the way, take a look at Sean Phillips’s illustration of Mr. Somerset above. I have never seen a creepier depiction of sheer joy in my life.)

THE WALKING DEAD #119: Truthfully, I haven’t been a big fan of ALL OUT WAR. It’s been a lot of build-up for very little payoff so far. Every time it looks like something big will happen, next to nothing does. This issue is probably going to lead to more of the same, but there are a few interesting things in here. For example, Michonne calls Ezekiel a pussy, and she’s right. Take his stupid fucking tiger away from him, and he’s a sniveling mess. Negan has arrived at the Community again, this time armed with explosives. And hey! We now know what happened to Holly. I swear to fuck, if this confrontation leads to more beating around the bush, I’m going to be sorely disappointed. (Also, pay attention to the letters column. Before, Kirkman has said this series could go on forever. Sure enough, it probably could. This is the first time that he’s admitted to working toward an actual ending. Don’t worry, though. We have plenty of time. He thinks he can tackle this in 300-500 issues.)

BROTHER LONO #7: This is it. The penultimate issue of this miniseries. And the moment we’ve all been waiting for is finally upon us. For six issues, Lono struggled with the beast inside of himself, doing his best to atone for his life of crime and sin. Last issue saw him captured, and now we witness his torture. Except it doesn’t end so well for his torturer as the real Lono rises from his self-imposed grave, ready to deal death to all who have it coming. ONE ISSUE TO GO!

COOL SHIT 8-8-13

THE TRANSFORMERS:  MONSTROSITY #3:  Remember a while ago, when I reviewed a trashy action adventure story about the Dinobots from the past?  I said it was a waste of time, because the writer could have explored why the Dinobots—who should be Decepticons, by right—chose to be Autobots instead.  Well . . . we finally have a writer (two, actually:  Chris Metzen and Flint Dille) willing to step up to the plate on that one.  This is the issue we get our answer.  And a lot of other cool shit happens, too, like a dying Megatron vs. the Terrorcons (and Pentius, the guy with the five revolving faces, is thrown in, too).  And how about Scoponok’s batshit crazy scheme, revealed in the last pages?  It’s also nice to see the non-partisan Transformers leaving Cybertron, and the mess everyone has to go through in order to make this a reality.  Not only that, but the artwork is fucking amazing!  Livio Ramondelli should do more work in this series!  He lends everything a cold, stark reality.

THE TRANSFORMERS:  ROBOTS IN DISGUISE #20:  Here, we finally get to see King Starscream in action.  I’ve always wanted to see this, since I was a kid.  I don’t mean like the three seconds of power he had in the animated movie; I mean power, for real.  And it’s a wonder to behold, not because he wants to lord over people, but because he actually wants to rebuild this society.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s not being altruistic.  He really gets off on being in charge, but like all politicians, he wants to keep his position.  Hence, he goes through a great deal of lying and misdirection.  Of course, there’s a pretty Machiavellian move he pulls on a poor fellow by the name of Scoop . . . .  And it’s really weird seeing Starscream feel remorse for some things.  I didn’t think he was capable of it.  Seriously, this book keeps getting better and better.

FATALE #16:  I’m really digging the new story arc.  It reminds me of Ed Brubaker’s oldest work, LOWLIFE.  In fact, the group of friends living in the house that Josephine has stumbled into really remind me of the characters from that other book.  Unless memory serves me poorly, I could also swear that LOWLIFE featured these nobodies pulling off an armed robbery, too.  Then again, it’s an easy connection to see, since this takes place in Seattle, post-Kurt Cobain, much like LOWLIFE did.  It’s easy to feel a bit of nostalgia for this one, the perfect feeling to experience while reading FATALE.

COOL SHIT 3-8-12

FATALE #3: How can this book get any cooler? We learn a bit more about Josephine this time around (but certainly not enough), when she reveals the location where she first died. Also, we go back to the present to check up on Nicolas, who is definitely still in trouble. And there is a scene which reminds me of the one in VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED, when a guy was mentally dominated into killing himself. Good times. Great news: this isn’t going to be a mini-series. Brubaker now says it’s going to be an epic. Originally, he thought it would be 12 issues, but now he realizes he needs more, like maybe 15, maybe more (since he’s not done writing it yet). This is going to be a solid source of entertainment for quite some time.

DICKS #2: Fuck, am I excited for the return of DICKS! All right, I’ll try not to gush too much about it. I know it’s a re-release, and as such isn’t worthy of Cool Shit, so I won’t bring it up again, unless something truly awesome about a particular issue blows my mind. Of course, when they start DICKS 3, I will probably rant about every fucking issue. There’s just something about everything being colorized that makes it seem somehow more obscene. Oh, and hey! Check out that cover! Yes, that’s Trio getting gangbanged by Wookies.

THE BOYS #64: Holy fuck, things are ending fast, and Garth Ennis isn’t fucking around. Butcher is finally on his way to his final showdown with the Homelander, which will probably happen in next issue. The Boys have finally leaked everything about the secret lives of the superheroes, so now the world knows exactly how depraved they are. The Vought scumbag shows a surprising amount of backbone, and M.M. makes a chilling discovery. Perhaps the Homelander isn’t the genius behind this master plot . . . . SEVEN ISSUES TO GO!

COOL SHIT 2-10-11

THE TRANSFORMERS #16: Ultra Magnus vs. the new, improved, more-powerful Megatron. Thundercracker vs. Starscream. Brawn vs. Starscream. Bumblebee and Gears fucked up beyond all recognition. And humans attacking all Transformers, regardless of their affiliation. Things are cooking up in this book, folks. All right, fine. No one ever truly dies in the world of Transformers. They always find a way of coming back. Alliances have been shaken up, though; things may never be the same.

INCOGNITO: BAD INFLUENCES #3: It’s not often that we get a look into the heads of the other characters in this series (aside from Zack Overkill, of course), and Ed Brubaker gives us a peek in this issue. Though we don’t learn who he is through his thoughts, we learn a bit about the villain, about his attitudes and how he views the human race. We also learn a bit about Zoe’s past and how her father tried to instill optimism into her. “Everything begins with a wish.” We even get a vague walk through of Simon Slaughter’s thoughts.

But as always, Overkill is the star, and he makes a spectacularly bad mistake in this issue. This is what nostalgia gets you: broken promises and a lot of battered and broken bodies around you.

SHIT SHIT 1-13-11

Sorry folks, but nothing interesting came out this week. In fact, it was such a small week, I’m surprised. I can actually afford tonight’s outing at Shark City. Weird.



However, since it’s the new year, I thought I would take this opportunity to mention a few things that are bothering me about the world of comics these days. Grab a helmet and buckle in. I’m kind of angry.


DC, you are my first target. Don’t worry, it’s not about the content of your books. It’s always been bad with very few exceptions. (All right, I’m still pissed off that HITMAN got canceled. It was the best book you put out since the original JONAH HEX. Fuckers.) No, my gripe is with the presentation of your new books. It’s a nice design, and it jumps off the racks, so I guess it does its job. Maybe it’s a bit plain, but that’s just my opinion. The problem, though, is the lack of identification of those who worked on the title. Where are the writer and artist’s names? I will always buy JONAH HEX, even if you send him to the future again. However, the only time I’ll read, say, BATMAN or SUPERMAN is if they are written by people I admire. I followed BATMAN when Ed Brubaker helmed the title. I read Brian Azzarello’s SUPERMAN. I would never have read GREEN ARROW if not for Kevin Smith. When their runs ended, I stopped reading. So if Garth Ennis starts writing TEEN TITANS (for whatever ungodly reason), it will benefit your company to put his name on the cover. I, for one, will buy it.


Next up: alternate takes on the G.I. JOE and/or TRANSFORMERS universe. The main story lines for these books are good enough for me. The occasional mini-series is awesome. But I don’t give a fuck about what’s going on in a parallel universe to these characters. 100% of the time, it’s lame. It’s worse than lame. I hear you say, “If you don’t like them so much, don’t read them.” Fair enough. However, there is always the danger of the alternate world crossing over with the main storyline, and nothing would piss me off more. The TRANSFORMERS ANIMATED books are horrible, by the way. I tried them, and they made me want to jab a heated sewing needle into my asshole. And while we’re at it, can we kill the TRANSFORMERS MOVIE line of books? And if G.I. JOE NOIR comes back for more issues, I will take hostages.

To a lesser extent, I hope the resurrection of the original G.I. JOE Marvel series doesn’t last long. The idea is cool. Get Larry Hama to continue the series that captivated me when I was a kid. But the new Joe books kick the shit out of this relic from the past. In fact, the book kind of comes off as naïve. Let the old continuity die. It soldiered its way through many years in the ‘Eighties and ‘Nineties; it has earned its rest.

One more thing: Nice Stargate, TRANSFORMERS PRIME. Who are you going to rip off next?


Here’s some praise: thank you, Vertigo, for seeing the wisdom in dumping JACK OF FABLES. It was an awesome book for a long time, but the last year or so has sucked a donkey dick. This is a smart move. That is all.

COOL SHIT 10-28-10

GRAVEL #21: I hope this isn’t the last issue, I really do. This is Avatar’s only monthly, and it’s a hell of a fine book. I’ve been a fan of William Gravel since his first appearance in STRANGE KISSES #1, and I’d hate to see the last of him. You see, this reads like a last issue. There are a few loose ends, but a lot of major storylines are tied up and . . . well, Avatar hasn’t been advertising future issues. In this book, Gravel meets his match (kind of) in Bible Jack as the magical fate of London hangs in the balance. If you haven’t read of Gravel’s adventures in the past, you might be too late. If not, buy this book! Save it! Please!

INCOGNITO: BAD INFLUENCES #1: Yes, Ed Brubaker and Sean Phillips have returned with another pulpy superhero/crime adventure! In case you don’t know, Zack is formerly a super-powered villain, but when his twin brother was killed during a job, he was put in a witness protection program. But staying on the straight and narrow didn’t sit well with him. These events were covered in the first series. Now, Zack works for the people who once protected him, and he enjoys taking down villains like Dark Leopold and his Nuclear Nazis and Zhing Fu, the Asian underlord. But when he’s living his cover-life, he’s bored titless . . . until the day an old man tries to ambush and kill him. Why? Read the book.