GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1018: ONE SHALL STAND

 First, before I get into it, I want to mention that I've been enjoying what Image has been doing with the Energon Universe. Transformers, GI Joe and Void Rivals together make a great story with many potential delights ahead.

But I want to talk about Transformers for a moment, here. Obviously I will always favor the original Marvel books, as I grew up on those, and it is damned near impossible to separate that kind of experience from someone. Dreamwave was off to a good start, but they floundered shortly thereafter, and I'm glad that story died off, never to be taken up again. Storywise, IDW made the best TF comics . . . up to a point. Because those were characters instead of the usual good vs. evil type of thing. I can't tell you how it blew my mind when Megatron turned on the Decepticons and put the Autobot emblem on his chest, and how he spent the rest of the comic fighting his darker impulses for the greater good, even if swift and blinding violence would solve a particular problem. That's the kind of shit I love. And I loved it when they ended the war between the Autobots and Decepticons. But when they continued the story? That's when they fucked up. That should have been the end. It got so bad that I told my comics guy that I was going to drop the book. He said, well, it looks like they're ending it in a few months. Are you sure? Since it wasn't much more of a commitment, and I am a completist, I stuck it out to yet another disappointing ending.

Which brings us to Skybound's version. It's good. A lot of crazy shit happens. Ultraviolence throughout is a good sign, and I enjoyed the pure evil of Decepticons killing people simply for the cruelty of it all. And there does seem to be a concerted effort to make this version different from the others. For example, where's fan favorite Bumblebee? I relished his absence until today, when I saw his corpse in a flashback in the new issue. I really hope they don't go any further into that.

But they did something that all the other versions did that I absolutely can't fucking stand, especially since there's an effort to stray from the usual material. And let me not mince words. EVERY SINGLE VERSION OF TRANSFORMERS HAS DONE THIS. I was hoping Skybound would avoid it, but there's just something about Transformers writers. They just can't stay away from it.

The animated movie from the 'Eighties was so powerfully written that every TF writer since can't help themselves. They absolutely have to rip it off, even down to lifting dialogue. I suppose it's not "lifting" if you're doing it from the same series, but all the same, they fucking stole from this movie and dressed it up as fan service.

Not only did the new issue rip off a line from the movie, but it ripped off THE MOST RIPPED OFF LINE FROM THE MOVIE. When IDW's version ended, I told myself if I ever heard the line again, I'd punch the next TF writer I meet. I'm not going to, obviously, but I'm definitely going to shame that person.

"One shall stand . . . one shall fall."

Yes, it's a great line given the circumstances it was originally said in. But to have it repeated over and over again in every alternative variation of the TF story?

FUCK.

THAT.

SHIT.

I should stop reading the book on principle. It's lazy. It's larcenous. And it doesn't even count as fan service. I can't possibly be the only TF fan who is tired of reading the same shit rehashed over and over again. That's why I loved IDW's version so much. They went exploring. Sure, they ripped off the animated movie, too, but I could look the other way due to the reward.

If I could make any request of the TF writers going forward, please please PLEASE stop regurgitating shit you loved from the animated movie. Come up with new shit. New shit that's so powerful that future TF writers after you will want to rip YOU off.

I know I'm asking a lot, but I've come this far. Don't make me give up on the Energon Universe. I WANT to read these books. "One shall stand." For Pete's sake.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #722: STRONG ENOUGH TO BE GENTLE

"Freedom is the right of all sentient beings."

 

I'm not a leader, and I'm not going to pretend that I have any leadership qualities. However, I do know what makes for a great leader, and I'm sad to say that those are few and far between. I can't think of a single leader that we have in this country. Not a real leader. Sure, there are a lot of people called leaders, but they aren't actually leaders.

I think the, uh, prime example of what a leader should be is the sentient being depicted in the above picture. Optimus is the ideal. He really is. And there's a reason that, out of all the Transformers in the cartoon, only Peter Cullen continued to voice his character in the Michael Bay live action movies.

(No, I'm not going to talk about how I think they suck. You probably didn't even need to ask me that question. I'm sure you good fuckers know me well enough by now.)

It's hard to imagine someone else voicing Optimus because Peter Cullen embodies all the qualities of leadership just by using his voice. I recently read an article about how he came up with that voice, and I think it's worth reading this part here:

Transformers icon and voice actor Peter Cullen explained exactly how the character's voice was developed, along with the person who inspired it. Cullen admits, "When I voiced Prime for the very first time, I was living with my brother Larry, who was a Marine. And I said, 'I'm going to an audition. I'm gonna be a truck.' And he started to laugh, and he said, 'A truck?!' And I said, 'This is a leader. This is a hero.' And his demeanor just changed. He just went, 'Well, Peter. If you're going to be a leader, be strong enough to be gentle.' And I got to the audition, and I said, 'My name is Optimus Prime, from the planet Cybertron.' I had no doubt that this is what a hero should sound like, and I was convinced I was gonna get that role."

"Strong enough to be gentle." I don't know a better way to put it. Leaders don't belittle the people they lead. Why blunt someone when you can sharpen them? You want the best team possible, right? You would take the time to make sure everyone realized their potential to be the best they can be. Leaders are not petty. They listen. They're understanding. They're firm but are open to suggestion. Leaders who are not these things always baffle me, kind of like the concept of "toxic masculinity." I don't believe there's such a thing because if you're being toxic, you're not being masculine. You're being a pud. Self-described alpha males are most definitely not leaders. They're self-obsessed dick shakers, is what they are. "Look at my dick! See it go rawr!" Put it away, Tiny. You're not fooling anyone.

It would be nice to have actual leadership in this country, but if there's anything I've learned from my 45 years of living here, anyone who wants the job DOES NOT DESERVE to have the job. Running for president, for example, should automatically disqualify you from the race.

Before I start on a rant about tearing down the system and building something new, I'm just going to go to bed. Hopefully when we all wake up tomorrow, the world will be a better place.

I doubt it, but it would be nice.

Yes, I know. I ran for US President once. But that was only as a book promotion! You can trust me!

COOL SHIT 7-21-11

G.I. JOE: COBRA CIVIL WAR: SNAKE EYES #3: Snake-Eyes captured by Khallikhan?! Alpine seriously wounded? Helix versus impossible odds? And Iceberg trying to get Alpine down the mountain before a bunch of snow vipers kill them? Khallikhan’s interrogation of Snake-Eyes alone is worth the price of admission. And what with Slice and Dice hanging around in the shadows, anything can happen. Hell is coming down on these characters. Get in while the getting’s good!

THE TRANSFORMERS #22: Dude! Dude! DUDE! How many times have we seen Optimus Prime face off against Megatron? No matter how bad the repercussions, we all know how it’s going to work out. Nobody is going to permanently die. But this time, it’s different. It’s far more interesting than it’s ever been before because IT’S NOT A BATTLE TO THE DEATH. It’s a fucking conversation, perhaps one of the most important to ever happen in the Transformers universe. We finally get down to the differences (and some of the similarities) between the two mortal enemies. In fact, at some points they almost seem like friends reminiscing about the damage they’ve done to each other. If you were ever a fan of the Transformers, you need to read this issue. We even get to look into the past, to see a young Megatron more interested in peaceful rebellion, more interested in rhetoric, more interested in reasonable solutions to intolerable problems. I can’t tell you how much of a hard-on I got from this book.

LOCKE AND KEY: CLOCKWORKS #1: Just as things are coming to a head, writer Joe Hill brings things back to the past, back to revolutionary America, to the root of the Locke story. Finally we get a glimpse of how things started, how things got so crazy, at Keyhouse. And finally, the Lovecraft connection is complete, with references to Shub-Niggurath, the Goat of a Thousand Young. Things are quickly coming to an end in the world of this series. Now’s the perfect time to get on board (especially since the TV show is coming out pretty soon).

COOL SHIT 5-19-11

THE TRANSFORMERS #19: Guess what, everyone! Hot Rod isn’t as dead as we thought he was after Megatron blasted his chest out. Seems like Hot Rod’s been floating around space until he came upon a planet. Upon entering its atmosphere, the Matrix was melded to his chest wound. And wouldn’t you know it? It just so happens that this planet is where a deranged, insane Wheelie has been hiding out under the name of the Jangling Man. Can writer Mike Costa make this series any awesomer?

HELLBLAZER #279: Finally, we’re getting back to this whole Gemma thing from the wedding issue (275). It looks like she’s got some really ugly plans for her magus uncle. In fact, it got so bad that she almost burned his famous trenchcoat to satisfy a ritual. Thankfully, she refrained. In the meantime, Constantine seems to have found his thumb, but the price is that he has to help his father-in-law take on the American Mafia. Things have gotten stranger than usual on Vertigo’s flagship book; I would expect nothing less.

COOL SHIT 2-10-11

THE TRANSFORMERS #16: Ultra Magnus vs. the new, improved, more-powerful Megatron. Thundercracker vs. Starscream. Brawn vs. Starscream. Bumblebee and Gears fucked up beyond all recognition. And humans attacking all Transformers, regardless of their affiliation. Things are cooking up in this book, folks. All right, fine. No one ever truly dies in the world of Transformers. They always find a way of coming back. Alliances have been shaken up, though; things may never be the same.

INCOGNITO: BAD INFLUENCES #3: It’s not often that we get a look into the heads of the other characters in this series (aside from Zack Overkill, of course), and Ed Brubaker gives us a peek in this issue. Though we don’t learn who he is through his thoughts, we learn a bit about the villain, about his attitudes and how he views the human race. We also learn a bit about Zoe’s past and how her father tried to instill optimism into her. “Everything begins with a wish.” We even get a vague walk through of Simon Slaughter’s thoughts.

But as always, Overkill is the star, and he makes a spectacularly bad mistake in this issue. This is what nostalgia gets you: broken promises and a lot of battered and broken bodies around you.

SHIT SHIT 1-13-11

Sorry folks, but nothing interesting came out this week. In fact, it was such a small week, I’m surprised. I can actually afford tonight’s outing at Shark City. Weird.



However, since it’s the new year, I thought I would take this opportunity to mention a few things that are bothering me about the world of comics these days. Grab a helmet and buckle in. I’m kind of angry.


DC, you are my first target. Don’t worry, it’s not about the content of your books. It’s always been bad with very few exceptions. (All right, I’m still pissed off that HITMAN got canceled. It was the best book you put out since the original JONAH HEX. Fuckers.) No, my gripe is with the presentation of your new books. It’s a nice design, and it jumps off the racks, so I guess it does its job. Maybe it’s a bit plain, but that’s just my opinion. The problem, though, is the lack of identification of those who worked on the title. Where are the writer and artist’s names? I will always buy JONAH HEX, even if you send him to the future again. However, the only time I’ll read, say, BATMAN or SUPERMAN is if they are written by people I admire. I followed BATMAN when Ed Brubaker helmed the title. I read Brian Azzarello’s SUPERMAN. I would never have read GREEN ARROW if not for Kevin Smith. When their runs ended, I stopped reading. So if Garth Ennis starts writing TEEN TITANS (for whatever ungodly reason), it will benefit your company to put his name on the cover. I, for one, will buy it.


Next up: alternate takes on the G.I. JOE and/or TRANSFORMERS universe. The main story lines for these books are good enough for me. The occasional mini-series is awesome. But I don’t give a fuck about what’s going on in a parallel universe to these characters. 100% of the time, it’s lame. It’s worse than lame. I hear you say, “If you don’t like them so much, don’t read them.” Fair enough. However, there is always the danger of the alternate world crossing over with the main storyline, and nothing would piss me off more. The TRANSFORMERS ANIMATED books are horrible, by the way. I tried them, and they made me want to jab a heated sewing needle into my asshole. And while we’re at it, can we kill the TRANSFORMERS MOVIE line of books? And if G.I. JOE NOIR comes back for more issues, I will take hostages.

To a lesser extent, I hope the resurrection of the original G.I. JOE Marvel series doesn’t last long. The idea is cool. Get Larry Hama to continue the series that captivated me when I was a kid. But the new Joe books kick the shit out of this relic from the past. In fact, the book kind of comes off as naïve. Let the old continuity die. It soldiered its way through many years in the ‘Eighties and ‘Nineties; it has earned its rest.

One more thing: Nice Stargate, TRANSFORMERS PRIME. Who are you going to rip off next?


Here’s some praise: thank you, Vertigo, for seeing the wisdom in dumping JACK OF FABLES. It was an awesome book for a long time, but the last year or so has sucked a donkey dick. This is a smart move. That is all.

COOL SHIT 10-14-10

G.I. JOE: ORIGINS #20: David Lapham is writing G.I. JOE?! He kicks off his run with a very interesting idea: that Cobra has its fingers in charity organizations. Only 1% of the International Humanitarian Aid Foundation knows who they really work for. But what stake does Cobra have in this? RECRUITING. You see, Dr. Lester Horvath has come up with a test in order to determine one’s “worth as a human being.” Dr. Horvath is an interesting character because despite the fact that he came up with this test and knows exactly what can come of it, he knows he’s “only a four.” He yearns to meet an eight, and Cobra is about to let that happen. Lapham’s intelligent violence is spread all over these pages. I said it before about Max Brooks’ G.I. JOE books, and I’ll say it about Lapham’s: if you grew up on stories about Duke, Snake Eyes, Stalker, and the rest, you should really check in with the new books. The sensibilities have grown up with you. Although they’re fairly clean, these books are not aimed at kids.

THE TRANSFORMERS #12: Guess what else has grown up with you? Oh yeah. It’s kind of weird reading a book about giant robots arguing foreign policy, but there’s a lot here to sink your teeth into. And believe it or not, they finally found a useful task for Cosmos. As things escalate to an international incident (see how I worked the title of the story arc into this?), Bumblebee gives one of the most emotional speeches an Autobot has ever had to give, even moreso than Optimus Prime himself. In fact, no other Autobot could give this speech. And then there’s the surprise at the end. I won’t say what happens other than a major Transformer gets killed. It comes at the perfect moment, to be honest. I know, I know, no one ever stays dead in the TRANSFORMERS universe, but the sheer power of the timing makes this one of the most memorable moments in the story’s history.