COOL SHIT 5-26-11

STRANGE ADVENTURES #1: I’m not going to say a lot about this anthology because I’m actually going to review it next week for the Napalm Assault. However, there was one story in here I felt I couldn’t review from an objective viewpoint. “All the Pretty Ponies” written by Lauren Beukes and illustrated by Inaki Miranda treads over the same territory as a story I wrote a while ago called “Slummin’ It” (which was published in the first issue of TABARD INN). In my story, rich assholes liked to experience life through the eyes of the homeless. If they pay enough money, they can feel what it’s like to get killed. Well, in this story, Beukes expresses the same idea. A group of the rich and beautiful gather together so they can plug their consciousness into a couple of poverty-stricken people. They call it “going slumming,” and when a rich bitch plugs into a kidnapped pregnant woman, she feels cravings and excitedly hopes it’s meth. There is a twist, however, that separates it from my story, in which SPOILER ALERT it is showed that the government keeps a bunch of poor people hooked up to dream machines, in which they imagine that they’re rich and beautiful people. So who is plugging into whom? An answer, by the way, that we never get. END OF SPOILERS. I’m not saying that Beukes ripped me off. My story is based on an old idea (with my own twist, of course). But I thought it would be dishonest of me to review it based on the closeness, so I thought I’d bring it up here. Buy this book, by the way.

CROSSED 3D: Holy shit, William Christensen finally delivered on this book. Granted, he swore it’d be out by April, but what the hell? Better late than never. I have mixed feelings about this book. There are a lot of parallels between CROSSED and zombie books, and it’s totally justified. However, there have been a lot of army versus zombie stuff lately, and this is one of those stories. A group of soldiers go on a rescue mission to Manhattan to bring a doctor back to the people who need her, and shit happens. A lot of shit happens. But nothing very remarkable. There is one very interesting thing that happens, though: a character who accidentally reveals himself to be a racist eventually turns into one of the Crossed, and what is the first thing he does? Starts relentlessly calling out racial epithets. This implies that the Crossed do whatever was in their minds when they were human beings. Which is a frightening thought, when you give it some consideration. Ennis and Lapham are essentially saying that these horrible and vile things are inside all of us, and the only thing that keeps us in check is conscience. The last thing I want to talk about is the 3D effects. A lot of it gets lost because the details are too small for 3D to effectively display, and because a lot of the speech balloons are small, it’s hard to read. It also doesn’t help that whenever the Crossed speak, their words appear in red . . . which doesn’t show up very well in a 3D book. There’s no need for this gimmickry. This book would have been good without it. Still, when it gets the effects right, they’re pretty cool. Some of the bigger panels reveal this very nicely, especially if something huge is going on in the background. It’s good stuff. Not great, but definitely worth the nine bucks it costs. And the 3D glasses are pretty cool; if you wear them, the design makes you look like one of the Crossed.

EVERYONE'S GOT ONE #2: ANDREW KESSLER: GENIUS OR LUCKY?

Ever hear of a book called MARTIAN SUMMER: ROBOT ARMS, COWBOY SPACEMEN, AND MY 90 DAYS WITH THE PHOENIX MARS MISSION by Andrew Kessler? I’ll hazard a guess and say you haven’t. But you’ve probably heard about the publicity stunt Kessler pulled recently in New York City at a place called Ed’s Martian Book.  (Which is an awkward name for a book store.)



You see, he recently rented out a store, the aforementioned Ed’s, so he could sell one and only one book title: his own. And this actually worked out for him. So far, he’s sold 500 copies at $27.95 a pop. He says that they’re close to breaking even. Not a bad deal, right?


I haven’t read the book, so I can’t tell you whether or not it’s good, but I can easily see the attraction of this kind of novelty. Who wouldn’t want to go to a bookstore that sells only one book? It’s kooky, and it makes for good conversation. Word of mouth on something like this spreads pretty quickly.


Naturally, the next step for something like this would be for a self-published author to pull the same stunt. But hold the phone: Kessler isn’t a self-published author. His book was published by Pegasus Books, a reputable company. He actually bought 3,000 copies of his own book from them at a discount so he could do this thing.


This means that he has an editor. In other words, someone is paying attention to the words going into his book. Someone who (presumably) knows a thing or two about good writing. This does not hold true for an author who pays to have his work published.


So the danger to something like this is that the book has to have quality to it. Otherwise, people are going to talk shit about you. Things that you don’t want to hear about your book. You might be saying so what?  By the time they actually read the book and hate it, their money will be in your pocket.  That's a good plan, provided you never intend to publish another book.  Readers aren't very forgiving.  They won't give a shitty writer a second chance.  A stunt like this simply cannot continue to perpetuate itself if the book isn’t good.


Kessler seems to know this. His store will only be around for a limited time. It will soon be replaced by a coffee shop this month. So it’s pretty clear that this is not a get rich quick scheme. Like I said, Kessler’s close to breaking even. He’s in this for the word of mouth. And remember, 500 copies is still short, by far, of 3,000 to start out with.


What do you think? Is this a viable marketing strategy for authors now? I doubt it. In answer to the question in the title of this column, I think Kessler’s a genius. If this plan works for anyone else, then they’ll simply be lucky. But let me know what you think in the comments below.

COOL SHIT 5-19-11

THE TRANSFORMERS #19: Guess what, everyone! Hot Rod isn’t as dead as we thought he was after Megatron blasted his chest out. Seems like Hot Rod’s been floating around space until he came upon a planet. Upon entering its atmosphere, the Matrix was melded to his chest wound. And wouldn’t you know it? It just so happens that this planet is where a deranged, insane Wheelie has been hiding out under the name of the Jangling Man. Can writer Mike Costa make this series any awesomer?

HELLBLAZER #279: Finally, we’re getting back to this whole Gemma thing from the wedding issue (275). It looks like she’s got some really ugly plans for her magus uncle. In fact, it got so bad that she almost burned his famous trenchcoat to satisfy a ritual. Thankfully, she refrained. In the meantime, Constantine seems to have found his thumb, but the price is that he has to help his father-in-law take on the American Mafia. Things have gotten stranger than usual on Vertigo’s flagship book; I would expect nothing less.

I LOVE YOU, STILL

[IT SHOULD BE MENTIONED THAT OUT OF ALL THE SONGS JESSE AND I PLANNED OUT FOR OUR DRINKING BAND, THIS ONE CAME THE CLOSEST TO ACTUALLY BECOMING A SONG.  HE PUT SOME MUSIC TO MY WORDS.  IT WASN'T ANYTHING CONCRETE, BUT IT WAS SOMETHING, AT LEAST.  HE PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER HOW IT GOES.  I KNOW I ONLY HAVE A VAGUE MEMORY.  ENJOY!]


[THIS SONG IS DEDICATED TO MARIA]


You have curves in all the right places

You put smiles on so many faces
I love to watch your insides sizzle
Snap-crackle-pop, bubble, fizzle.
I yearn to light the fire beneath you
And drink in your amber glory, too.


Copper tubing, pipes and screws
Scrape the Bunsen burner fuse
Feed you corn, but no cash
You squirt out some sour mash.
Jar you up for 30 days
Drink myself into a haze.


Stick the Mason ‘neath your spout
‘Shine’s a thing, can’t do without
White Lightning sets your guts on fire
Sobriety burns upon this pyre
Eyes point out in directions two
Babe, I can’t do this without you.


Copper tubing, pipes and screws
Scrape the Bunsen burner fuse
Feed you corn, but no cash
You squirt out some sour mash.
Jar you up for 30 days
Drink myself into a haze.


Moonshine scrambles up my mind
Should I shit or should I go blind?
Greatness sure has its price
This corn whiskey don’t play nice
Regardless, I shall drink my fill
Just because I love you, still.


Copper tubing, pipes and screws
Scrape the Bunsen burner fuse
Feed you corn, but no cash
You squirt out some sour mash.
Jar you up for 30 days
Drink myself into a haze.

WOW. JUST . . . WOW: A review of WORLD OF FILTH by Howling Willie Cunt

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EVERYONE'S GOT ONE #1: WHAT IF OSAMA DIDN'T DO IT?

Welcome to the first installment of my new opinions column, “Everyone’s Got One.” You know, as in the old phrase about assholes and such. I thought it a fitting title, especially since I’ve been wondering just how I was going to replace FBJ on Fridays. I hope this semi-regular feature will do just that.

What will I talk about? Anything that crosses my mind. For my first act, though, I thought I’d go big or go home. Why not stir shit up?


The other day, a very reactionary know-it-all, everything-is-black-or-white co-worker was asked if President Obama should release photos of arch-villain Osama bin Laden’s corpse to the public. Immediately, he said that the president should do exactly that. However, he said it within earshot of another co-worker, equally reactionary, but on the opposite side of the fence. She responded by saying that she wanted the news to stop showing pictures of Americans celebrating the bin Laden’s death.


My own knee jerked at this, and I thought this last comment was a bit too weak. Why not celebrate the death of a horrible man? All people are not equal, and I’m not talking about human rights, here. Not all viewpoints are valid, and bin Laden had a very ugly perspective. There’s no doubt about it. He was utter scum, and the world is a better place without him. Though America declared war against terrorism, it was really a war against one man: bin Laden. While his death will in no way hinder our military excursions overseas, it’s still an important victory. If Americans wanted to celebrate his death, go for it.


I was about to mention these things, but then another thought occurred to me. Let me get this out of the way right here: I oppose the death penalty. When I was in high school, I was all about murdering murders in the name of retribution, but as strange as it may seem to a lot of people, I’ve mellowed with age. I’ve thought about things a lot more. I’ve become more reasonable. What it comes down to is this: far too many people are executed only to have new evidence uncovered years later proving their innocence. Granted, some of the bastards on death row had it coming, but if we have made a single solitary mistake, we have failed. We have become murderers ourselves. This price is too high for us as a society to pay.


Having said that, the thought that occurred to me before I so rudely interrupted myself was this: WHAT IF OSAMA DIDN’T DO IT? Think back to September 11th. I know it’s not a pleasant thing to do, but for the sake of argument, give it a try. Try to remember what it was like during those days when they took the planes out of the sky.


How much do you remember about the detective work that led to Osama bin Laden? Not much, I’ll bet. Most people were so swept up in swift and immediate revenge that they didn’t consider much. They would have snapped at any piece of evidence, no matter how circumstantial.


And the evidence against Al Qaeda was circumstantial, indeed. But it seemed like we were on the right track. And bin Laden was the leader of this group, so he had to know something, right?


The defining moment for most Americans came when bin Laden took credit for 9/11 himself. That seems like pretty condemning evidence at first, but ask any detective who has worked a serial killing. How many nutbags come forward claiming to have been the killer?


Bin Laden could have been just another nutbag. Why not claim credit? He delivered the biggest blow against America in all of its history. Who, from that part of the world, wouldn’t want mad props like that? It’s the ultimate in street cred.


And that’s it. That’s all we have to go on. Suddenly, bin Laden was the most wanted man in the world . . . all on his own say-so. Outlandish? Maybe. But what if, America, we found out after a while that Osama bin Laden was just the figurehead, that someone far more insidious actually came up with the blueprint for 9/11? What then?


Things aren’t so cut and dry, folks. There are no more cowboys, and some of the bad guys wear white hats.

See?  White hat.

That’s a pretty heavy thing to lay on you, and I don’t blame your skepticism. Your kids will be more likely to play devil’s advocate on this one, though. Who knows? Maybe you’ll live long enough to see some of what I’ve just said happen.


Do I believe bin Laden did it? Yeah, I’m pretty sure he did. Even if he didn’t, only a colossal asshole would claim credit for taking down the Twin Towers. Besides, think of all the aid and succor he gave to Al Qaeda, who are definitely our enemies, all of those years. So one way or the other, he got what he deserved. Goodbye and good riddance.


But you should really think about these things before going off half-cocked. How certain are you about the way the world works? Can you really, beyond a shadow of a doubt, know what’s really happening without being an actual witness?


P.S. I wasn’t going to go into this part, but this kind of bothered me about the whole workplace exchange. The second co-worker in question then went on to talk about how America goes on and on about protecting freedoms and democracy and such, and then they rabidly turn on someone and celebrate something as awful as death.


All right, freedom and democracy and all of that crap is a part of the American rhetoric, but I don’t recall any of the Founding Fathers talking about how all life is sacred. Big surprise: it’s not. Some people are more worthy of life than others. For example, I may be biased, but I believe myself to be much worthier of breathing the air on this planet than, say, John Wayne Gacy. I think Stephen King has earned his space on this earth while child molesters rank much farther below him. Albert Einstein has a lot more value to our society than Josef Stalin.


A friend of mine once told me that he judged societies by whether or not it was still permissible to decapitate people in their culture. If the answer is yes, then they are not civilized enough to join the rest of us at the world table.

You know, that sounds like a good rule to me.


P.P.S. Do I think we should see pictures of Osama’s corpse? You bet, but that’s probably because I’m a sick fuck. I’m curious, man! I bought a coffee table book of crime scene photos because I wanted to know what might—just might!—be in store for me someday.


Do I believe it should be mandatory to see these pictures? As in, you’re not patriotic if you don’t get off on these babies? No. I take a pro-choice attitude with my life: if you don’t want to look, you don’t have to.


P.P.P.S. Shit, this is kind of long for a first column. I think I’ll try to keep it much shorter in the future . . . .

COOL SHIT 5-12-11

CROSSED: PSYCHOPATH #2: How is it that David Lapham can keep topping himself for grotesqueness in this book? Watching his psychopath, Lorre, work on this group of Crossed survivors is an amazing thing, and shocking. As he relates his relationship with Lori, who was in all probability not a willing participant, one can’t help but feel greasy with shame. And when he relates killing Crossed children in ruthless ways? I wonder if Garth Ennis chose his own successor on this one . . . .

COBRA CIVIL WAR: G.I. JOE #1: All right! The search for the new Cobra Commander is under way! And can it be any cooler? The candidates are few, but the possibilities are endless! All they have to do is score the most G.I. Joe kills, the higher the profile, the better the results. Only a sadistic bastard would come up with this concept, and I’m glad it was Chuck Dixon! There’s only one problem: he kind of pusses out when it comes to killing longtime Joes. So far, the bodycount comprises of only the new guys, soldiers we’ve never heard of before. How about killing off a more important Joe? You already killed Cobra Commander. Why not go balls out?