GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #835: THE BEST COMIC BOOK OF THE WEEK IS . . .

 . . . all of my books. They were great, each and every one of them. And I am so happy to have something other than my misery to talk about, I'm going to do an old school cool-shit type GF tonight. If you weren't with me back in the day, every Thursday I would post a Cool Shit talking about my favorite comics of the week. There are spoilers, as this is not a review series. It's just me talking about cool shit. So let's start!

JAMES BOND 007 #4: Shockingly enough the least excited I was for a book this week was for a Garth Ennis book. That is very much unlike me. I like in this book that Bond mentions that M is not the M that's always been with us, but that people fill in the role. He's distrustful of the current M. He currently trusts only Moneypenny because he's known her the longest. He's just returned from space and will soon be working with Felix again in the very near future.

TRANSFORMERS #7: Starscream is one of my favorite Transformers. He's a weasel. He will do anything to be in charge of the Decepticons, and curiously he actually is their leader in this new series. Megatron has yet to show his face in this series, although he's depicted in another as out of working order. How did he get that way? Did Starscream have something to do with it? I'm sure we'll find out. But Soundwave just challenged Starscream's leadership. Starscream is at his best when he's using words as weapons, but Soundwave much prefers to use weapons as weapons, and he's not above cheating. It reminded me a little of how Roland the Gunslinger bested Cort in the Dark Tower series. While it seems Image is not afraid to kill some Transformers, I wouldn't count Starscream out yet. I'm sure he'll be back.

COBRA COMMANDER #4: Cobra Commander is a lot like Starscream, and not just because the two characters were voiced by the same actor back in the 'Eighties. I'm glad that Nemesis Enforcer is around and beating the mortal shit out of the Dreadnoks, but the best part of this issue was Cobra Commander's sudden realization that he wasn't the main character of his own book. Like Starscream, he's got tricks up his sleeve. In a fair fight there is no way he'd be able to defeat NE. Luckily he's very adept at cheating. I think the next issue is the last. Too bad. I'm very much enjoying this one.

QUICK STOPS VOL 2 #4: I never thought I'd need to hear an origin story for Mooby, but goddam! I'm very happy this exists. In the final part of the story Kevin Smith ratchets up the action to a ridiculous level. I never thought I'd see Jay beat the daylights out of an elderly naked Satanist lady wearing a Mooby golden calf mask, but that's the world I currently live in. (I didn't expect Silent Bob to snap a selfie with her after, either. He's a man of few words, and his actions speak volumes.) It's good to see that the Quick Stop has a plaque commemorating Dante Hicks, but in pure Randal fashion, it's at the coffee station with a sign declaring Dante *was* supposed to be here today. This is probably the last issue, but I'm hoping for a volume 3.

HELLBLAZER: DEAD IN AMERICA #4: I don't talk about it often, but I'm fully on board with this new incarnation of Hellblazer. It feels like the Vertigo Hellblazer of old. It's more in tune with Jamie Delano's version of Constantine rather than Ennis's. There's even a nod to the original series in this issue. John is still a walking dead man, but it seems he's finally got Swamp Thing on the same page with him. It was good to see ol' Con-job pulling a scam on people, and to have it not work out for him? It was kind of funny. What I very much liked was how the people he was scamming, who had covered up the rape and murder of a teenage girl by the high school football team, got their comeuppance when they all were cursed to relive her final moments for hours in one night. It's not often that John does something good. Usually it's an accident while doing something very self-centered, but this was good work.

I feel a lot better for having written this one. It reminded me what fun was like, and fun has been running very low around here. This will be the last GF for a while, now that I'm at 835, which was my goal. Hopefully my life will stop sucking so much soon, and I can get back to having fun. Living with overwhelming stress 24/7--and I mean 24/7, I can't even escape from it in my dreams--is not helpful and needs to stop ASAP.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #572: GI JOE #300

 

The final issue of GI Joe came out today. You may have noticed it wasn't The Best Comic Book of the Week. I have my reasons.

Back when I was a kid I read two comic books: The Transformers and GI Joe. Both series ended before their time, and now both have been finished decades later by IDW. I was very glad that both books came back, but the GI Joe one was better. It was great to see the adventures of these Joes in their neverending struggle against Cobra. Some months it dragged, but many months (especially recently) kicked ass.

I thought this might be the end of an era, and that was the plan going into this GF column for about a month now. But there is a reason why it wasn't the best this week. Because . . . well, I suspect it's not the end of the series. If you haven't read it, from this point on there are spoilers.

So the action continued heating up as Snake-Eyes, now "resurrected" by Dr. Mindbender and his lunatic experiments, sets about killing just about every bad guy on Cobra Island in the bowels of Cobra Casino. Meanwhile the other Joes are in a heated battle trying to save those who had been trapped during the resurrection of Serpentor in his new form, Serpentor Khan. And the battle keeps going and going, building into a fever pitch, and I genuinely had no idea how Larry Hama was going to tie up this entire story in just a few pages.

And then it became very obvious. Because the last panel says TO BE CONTINUED?

So yeah. If I had to guess, Hama still has a job. I'll bet he's working on the new Joe book for Robert Kirkman. This might be the last IDW Joe book, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Skybound's first Joe issue will be numbered 301.

I'm not complaining. This is a great story, and I'm glad I'll have more of it. But at the same time it was kind of a letdown that I didn't get the ending I was expecting. Then again, one of my rules is that you should never blame a piece of art for not being what you wanted it to be. So I guess that's on me.

I was originally going to call this The End of an Era. But I think I'll have to take my cue from Brian Pulido: The End is the Beginning . . .

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #445: SNAKE-EYES

 

I still think about the new Snake-Eyes movie and how it contrasts with the character I knew and loved as a kid. But I'm not going to say much about the movie. I liked it, but it makes me appreciate the character from my childhood more. Although I will say I was happy to see some horror elements in the movie. I loved the giant snake. Most people forget that a lot of weird shit happens in the GI Joe world. Especially that animated movie from way back when.

Snake-Eyes is a dude who no one truly knows, except maybe for Storm Shadow and Scarlett. He's always kept to himself, and up until recently I was under the impression that either he couldn't speak or he refused to speak. It turns out to be the latter, because in a recent issue of the comics (the continuation of the original by the same author), it is revealed that Snake Eyes talks to Storm Shadow, who he met during Vietnam.

They became really close, and Storm Shadow, then simply Tommy Arashikage, invited him home to learn how to be a ninja. He met a lot of bad people during that time, including Zartan and Firefly, but that's a story for another day. Snake-Eyes learned quickly and became a badass. But before that happened, he was in a horrible incident that blew his face off while he was trying to escape from the LZ where he and Stalker were taking fire.

So naturally he joined up with the Joes until his untimely death a few years ago. That's not a spoiler by this point, I don't think. There's a new guy who calls himself Snake-Eyes these days, but while they are similar, they're not the same.

That comic book up there? That was supposed to be the big reveal. All these masked characters are finally going to show their faces! But no, that didn't happen. Destro and Cobra Commander took off their iconic masks and put on different disguises. Meanwhile Snake-Eyes has a mask of his own, and it looks like he did before he got his face fried.

But they did eventually show Snake-Eyes without any mask on. See?

And that was after years of reconstructive surgery.

The point of me rambling about Snake-Eyes is that I remember when I was a kid, and I had the toys, and it was always fun to play wargames on hot summer days with water pistols. And what did I do?

Here's another thing you may have never noticed or have forgotten, but there was a brief era of time when GI Joe toys came with little paint packets that were supposed to be used for camouflage. I took the red ones, and can you guess what I did?

Yeah, I think you know what I did. I'm not one to feel nostalgic this late in life, but sometimes a little bit sneaks through the borders. I miss running around as a kid with this image painted on my arm and a water gun in my hand (along with a backup which I kept hidden in a back pocket, just in case).

I'll grant you, the ninja stuff wasn't my favorite part of the Joe franchise, but if there were rubber shuriken or throwing knives, you couldn't keep me away from that shit. And yeah, I loved TMNT and Karate Kid. What I really love, though is Cobra Kai on Netflix because those characters grew up with me, and now almost all of them have some kind of perspective on what they did back in the day.

I'll take my life now over then any day, but those were fun times.

Seriously. That movie had some crazy, crazy shit in it.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #406: COOL SHIT

 Remember ages ago when I used to post a Cool Shit column every Thursday talking about all the awesome comic books I read the day before? I miss doing those, but they took up a lot of my time. I'm not going to do those ever again. That's what The Best Comic Book of the Week is for.

But every once in a while I get an itch, and I gotta scratch it.

As with those Cool Shit columns, there are spoilers. Tread lightly.

Yesterday I named Marjorie Finnegan, Temporal Criminal #5 as The Best Comic Book of the Week. I'm glad that Garth Ennis still has the ability to offend me, because this issue is deeply offensive, especially the abortion scene. I am definitely pro-abortion, but this took it a bit too far. The villain of this book is the most evil dude in history, and I can't help but think of him as Jesse Custer's evil twin brother. He even kind of looks like Jesse. I'm not sure if that was intentional. Probably not. But this guy was born a genius. He had coherent thought in the womb, and much to his surprise, there is a fetal twin. But the twin is just a regular person. Not a great conversationalist in the womb. When the mother tries to get an abortion, it surprises this dude and he manages to put his twin brother in front of him in order to save his own life.

So yeah. That's pretty fucked up. And there are other fucked up things in this book, which earned the title I mentioned earlier.

But the other books I read last night were really fucking good.

Stillwater # 10 had some seriously fucked up things in it. If you don't know, the idea of Stillwater is that it's a small shitsplat of a town where people who are born there live forever, and they don't age. Unless they leave. If they die in the outside world, then they're dead. If they age and come back, they will stop aging upon their return. So naturally there are a lot of kids in town who are middle-aged, and one of them murders someone in an adult body, which was pretty surprising.

And That Texas Blood keeps getting darker and crazier. I'm glad to see that the private investigator was heavily influenced by Kolchak. It makes a lot of sense, all things considered. I'm glad I'm finally caught up. The back matter is great, too. It feels natural, unlike what Alan Moore usually does. Moore is cumbersome with his extras. Condon's work is easy on the eyes, and straight to the point.

And then there is GI Joe #286. That's the one from the 'Eighties that Larry Hama took up writing again a few years ago. This issue answers a great question: how did Snake Eyes meet Storm Shadow? And I love the answer, especially when the unthinkable happens: SNAKE EYES TALKS. OK, he doesn't say much, and it's not as profound as something Silent Bob might say, but still. It genuinely surprised me.

So yeah. While a lot of weeks are dry, this one was pretty fruitful with great comic books.

PS: I saw someone bring up Matt Damon in the letters column for Stillwater, which made me laugh my ass off. It was something I first thought of when I saw the trailer for the movie, and I'm glad I wasn't the only one who noticed.

COOL SHIT 4-10-14

KICK-ASS 3 #7: (Please remember that Cool Shit contains spoilers. To quote a great man, “Tread lightly.”) Mark Millar’s not fucking around. This is the end of KICK-ASS. He pulls a very bizarre move in this issue though: he has the Motherfucker turn on his Mafia family and try to save Hit-Girl. I’m unclear as to why he does this. It’s completely out of character for him. Is it just so he can have his Hobgoblin-from-the-third-Spider-Man moment? Ugh. Not that it matters, though, since the Motherfucker gets killed in this issue. Seriously, Millar is an animal. He could do anything. There is one issue left, and there’s no way to predict the ending. For all we know, Hit-Girl and Kick-Ass die in the end. I suspect Hit-Girl will get it. I don’t know about Kick-Ass, but we’ll see soon. (PS: I love Big Daddy’s monster truck.)

G.I. JOE: SPECIAL MISSIONS #14: This one is reminiscent of the old Marvel G.I. JOE book. This is the perfect example of a Special Mission, taking one character and spotlighting him in the field. This is Lowlight’s book as he faces off against a Cobra sniper with a wounded Mainframe in the middle of it all. Since COBRA FILES ended, I’ve been greatly disappointed with this title. It was nice to see this one go out on top with a cool issue. That’s right, this is the last issue of SM. We’re stuck with the regular G.I. JOE from here on out (and the original Hama series, which is hit or miss). It’s a shame. I hope the next step for IDW and these characters is much better than what we’ve been getting lately.

THE TWILIGHT ZONE #4: And so the first story arc ends. It comes to a very satisfying ending. I’m not sure if it’s something that Rod Serling would have done, but tone-wise, I think he would have been proud. The only problem I have with it is the introduction of the next story by interweaving it with this one in an odd hybrid of an epilogue/prologue. It seems a bit cheap. I’d rather do without it. Besides, it ruins the effect of the final monologue (which, presumably, belongs to Serling). But I’ll reserve judgment until I’ve read the next issue.

THE WALKING DEAD #125: Here we have it, ladies and gentlemen. The moment of truth. Rick vs. Negan, one on one. Except . . . it’s not the two-fisted battle in a boiler room you might expect. No, it’s a verbal argument. And shockingly enough, Rick gives Negan a wonderful argument for why the war should end. He’s of the opinion that they could achieve wonderful things if they just worked together instead of trying to kill each other. Surprise! Rick gets through to Negan. He sees the light. It looks like we’re going to have a peace agreement. Too bad Rick fucking slits Negan’s throat. All right, I don’t really think he does a good enough job. I’ll bet next issue, it will be revealed to be a shallow job, and Negan’s going to make it. Kirkman’s not done with a guy like Negan, not yet. No fucking way. We don’t have his backstory yet. But we’ll see. Next issue is the last of “All Out War.”

Here’s a bonus: NEXT TESTAMENT #8. I’m going to review it next week on Wednesday at the Napalm Reviews, but I just wanted to share this wonderful image from this book with you. Haemi Jang is a wonderful artist.

Stay tuned next week for a special announcement concerning this column.

COOL SHIT 4-3-14

CROSSED: BADLANDS #51: To be honest, I’m not a big fan of the patient zero story of this series. I much prefer not knowing how the plague started. Yet, it IS written by Garth Ennis, and it’s winning me over. It’s so strange to see the Crossed running around without the cross and still remaining somewhat lucid in their rape-y violence. It’s also becoming very apparent that the whole thing will be kicked off by some fuck-up from a bureaucrat, which titillates me to no end.

G.I. JOE SPECIAL MISSIONS #13: I’m practically checked out of IDW’s G.I. Joe books, ever since they ended THE COBRA FILES. Still, this issue features a guest appearance from Putin hisownfuckingself. I’m waiting for the day the real Putin kicks the shit out of a reporter on live TV. He’s probably too cold for something like that, but he does have a pumped up masculine image of himself, so . . .

CALIBAN #1: A double dose of Ennis! This one’s weird because Avatar doesn’t often do SF (hey, it’s been a while since they regularly published STARGATE SG-1), and neither does Ennis. Here we have an interesting concept: what happens when two spaceships, both in their own subspace, cross paths. It doesn’t turn out well for the crew of the Caliban, in particular the poor bastard pictured above. It’s going to be interesting to see where the story goes from here.

TRILLIUM #8: Did I miss a memo or something? I could have sworn this was a regular monthly series, and here we are at the last issue. I did some poking around, and it would seem that it was always meant to be eight issues, but I have my suspicions that it wasn’t. If it was canceled, shame on Vertigo. This is one of the best books they have going right now. Still, it came to an amazing, mind-bending ending. The last few pages contain some of the best work I’ve seen from Jeff Lemire. All told, this couldn’t have been a more perfect ending. I’m very satisfied. I’m going to miss this book.

COOL SHIT 9-5-13

G.I. JOE:  COBRA FILES #6:  Last time we got to explore Clockspring’s history.  This time, we get Flint’s, and while it’s not quite as interesting, it goes a long way toward explaining him and why he wants to relinquish his leadership role and disband his team.  He views everything as FUBAR, and he’s man enough to know the truth about it.  And we also get a bit more info about Billy, the original Cobra Commander’s son, but I don’t know.  I think there’s something odd going on with him.  I wouldn’t put it past Mike Costa to turn him on us.  Next issue is where things are supposed to get really fucked up.  (On a side note, it’s suggested that this series might be ending soon.  I hope not.  This is my favorite of the Joe books.  The others aren’t even all that good at this point.  This is the only good one going.)

ABSOLUTION:  RUBICON #3:  Looks like John Dusk has recovered enough from his last encounter with the Polymath, and he’s gotten Happy Kitty by his side.  In order to draw his nemesis to him, he publicly cleans up the ghetto by killing a bunch of drug dealers and other various criminals.  Most people will read this and think, oh, he’s being a real superhero for a change.  Well, kind of.  It goes back farther than that.  This is the stranger riding into a town riddled with crime, putting on a badge, and cleaning out the villains.  Judging by the last panel, I’m sure we’ll get his next showdown with the Polymath in the next issue.  I’m sure it will be crazier than the last time.

COOL SHIT 8-22-13

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD:  AFTERMATH #10:  Noooooooo!  Writer David Hine lived up to his threat from last issue.  They took my favorite character and injected him with the zombie serum.  Many of you may remember me saying they should have given Vic his own spin-off, but I guess that’s not happening now . . . .  However, he’s not out of the picture yet.  It seems that this new version of the serum has let him retain some of his intelligence.  I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I’ll definitely wait it out and see where Hine is going with this.

THE LAST ZOMBIE:  THE END #3:  The shit has hit the fan.  Dr. Ian Scott’s secret is out.  Everyone knows he’s slowly becoming one of the undead.  Now Planters and company have to figure out what they’re going to do with him.  In the meantime, Frankie turns out to be just like her other incarnations.  For those who don’t know, she’s appeared several times in writer Brian Keene’s novels, usually alternate universe versions of her.  Very few of them turn out to have good luck.  They’ve also made a odd choice with the new artist, Ben Dunn.  In fact, looking through this issue kind of reminds me in moments of my webcomic with Robert Tannahill, THE COCAINE! BROS.  When the guys finally make their escape from Chicago, two of them finally get to deal with Harrow.  As they descend upon him, I get a definite Tucker/Hunter feeling from them.

G.I. JOE:  THE COBRA FILES #5:  Finally, we get a look into Clockspring’s past.  He’s easily one of the creepiest members of the Joe team, and not the cool kind of creepy, like Freddy Krueger.  No, this is creepy like the guy who follows you home at midnight.  Still, it’s great to see him finally fleshed out.  We now see what makes him tick.  When I was at C2E2, writer Mike Costa promised a lot of emotional damage coming in the near future.  I think this might be the calm before the storm.  Writers don’t always deliver on such promises, but Costa usually does.  It makes my ballsack shrivel just thinking about it.  I think things are about to get fucked the fuck up.

CROSSED:  BADLANDS #35:  If there was any doubt that Amanda has finally lost it completely, it should be gone by now.  Lorre really got into her head pretty badly, and now she’s murdering regular people, pretending that the Crossed got to them.  So, you know, she had to mutilate the bodies and cut their dicks off, and all that stuff.  How much farther can writer David Lapham push her?  I guess we’ll find out next issue, when this story arc concludes.  (Oh yeah, and Candy has gotten pretty weird, as I’m sure you can tell from the sample above.  That’s the prelude to the strangest face-fuck in comics history.)

KICK-ASS 3 #2:  This is a low-key story for Kick-Ass himself.  No, the star of this one is Rocco Genovese, the most recent member of this scumbag mobster family to enter into play.  He is infinitely scarier than any of his brethren.  I can’t wait to see more of this guy in action.  This is also quite the issue for the Motherfucker’s mother, who toys with the idea of taking her son out of the world to atone for bringing him into it.  Things get mighty strange by the last page.  (OK, Kick-Ass does one thing that’s really cool in this issue.  Check out his BATMAN YEAR ONE plan to see what I mean.)

COOL SHIT 8-1-13

G.I. JOE #6:  All right, I’ve been ragging on this new incarnation of G.I. JOE, and well within reason.  It’s a jokey, bullshit book which destroys the great storyline that came before it.  But this issue made me laugh.  I couldn’t help it.  It goes into Cover Girl’s history and why she decided to join the military.  Apparently, she was on an army reality show, in which celebrities (she was a model, remember) go through basic training and then face off against each other on TV for some prize or other.  While they shoot the season finale, a crew of pirates raid their desert island and take them captive, and only Cover Girl can save them.  It sounds stupid, I know, but it made me laugh, mostly because it skewers reality shows, and I FUCKING HATE REALITY SHOWS.

THE TRANSFORMERS:  MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE #19:  Wow, this one adds a lot to the mythology, in particular a few interesting uses for the Matrix in the old days.  But the big shocker this time out is . . . Ultra Magnus was never Ultra Magnus, not in all the time we’ve known him.  He’s not an impostor, nor did someone control his mind (like with Prowl in ROBOTS IN DISGUISE).  Ultra Magnus has been gone for centuries.  However, he created this armor that looks like him that other Autobots can wear so that they can be the ultimate lawman.  And it’s passed down through the generations.  How weird is that?  And ballsy.  I wonder how many Ultra Magnus fans are weeping right now.  But goddam!  IDW is kicking ass with this one!

THE WAKE #3:  I’ll be honest, I didn’t know what to make of this series with the first issue.  It didn’t really say a lot, aside from introducing characters and mystery.  But plot?  Conflict?  Not so much.  This is quickly growing into one of my favorite miniseries.  Killer mermaids have been done before, but not like this.  The power they exert over their victims is astonishing, especially when it happens to the big game hunter.  You can practically hear him say, “Clever girl,” at one point.  Scott Snyder is an animal, and I wish he would cut back on the superhero stuff and concentrate more on stuff like this.  (And, of course, I’m going into AMERICAN VAMPIRE withdrawals.)

NEXT TESTAMENT #3:  Remember in last issue, when Wick had that dinner party of powerful guests at his mercy?  Well . . . not anymore.  They’re dead.  All of them, and in fantastic ways.  It’s an orgy of gore, and it’s a beauty to behold.  Not only that, but on a whim, he decides to change airplanes so they can’t fly anymore.  That’s right, all of them.  At once.  One has to wonder what the fuck this guy has in mind for the human race.  He’s delighted by them, but he seems to have no problem killing them off en masse.  This book gives me such a hard-on.  I can’t wait to see where Clive Barker brings us next!

COOL SHIT 1-17-13

G.I. JOE #21:  In today’s issue of G.I. JOE, the role of Hawk will be played by Bruce Willis.  Seriously, this one could have been an ‘Eighties action movie.  Hawk has retired and is living out in the woods when he is suddenly beset by the forces of Cobra, intent on kidnapping him and extracting intelligence from him.  They don’t count on him remembering his training, and they certainly didn’t expect him to be living with Timber, Snake-Eyes’s wolf.  One man against a team of terrorists?  Yeah, that’s some John McClane shit right there.  Oh yeah, and apparently Cobra has iPads with the Cobra insignia on it instead of the usual Apple.  That definitely makes sense.  The only problem is, the cover shows Flint, not Hawk.  Or maybe it’s the movie version of Hawk as portrayed by Dennis Quaid, but that makes no sense, as the worlds aren’t connected.  Am I nitpicking here?  Yeah.  Fuck it.  On to the next one . . . .

STITCHED #11:  Let’s face it, when Garth Ennis stopped writing this book and Mike Wolfer took over, things haven’t been going so well.  Not that Wolfer is a bad writer (although he is a much better artist than he is a writer), but he just didn’t have the same quality as Ennis did.  However, in this issue, we finally find out what caused the Stitched to exist, and it’s a pretty interesting tale.  Hint:  ancient, black devil cum is responsible in some way.  That’s definitely something Ennis would have done.  Hats off, Mr. Wolfer.

CROSSED:  BADLANDS #21:  Speaking of books Ennis used to write . . . .  Unlike Wolfer, David Lapham is an intense motherfucker and constantly tries to one-up Ennis.  Sometimes he succeeds.  This is one of those instances.  Remember Amanda from the “Psychopath” storyline?  The one with Lorre?  Well, she’s back, and it seems that her encounter with Lorre messed her the fuck up.  She’s batshit crazy now, seeing Lorre in every stranger she meets.  And yes, she’s willing to kill all of the suspected Lorres in the world.  Now she might have gone completely off the deep end, though, especially now that Danger Montana is in her life.  He looks suspiciously of a guy who is very familiar with lost arks, temples of doom, last crusades, and crystal skulls.  In fact, he claims that those movies are based on his life.  Even stranger than that is the company he keeps.  In my opinion, there’s no way that this is actually happening.  Amanda is probably already dead, and this is a goofy afterlife or something.  Then again, Lapham is a rabid beast.  He could do anything, so I’m definitely along on this ride.

AND NOW FOR A SPECIAL EDITION OF . . .

SHIT SHIT

Remember a while ago when I brought you news of IDW’s newest bullshit crossover?  And you all called me crazy, that it had to be a hoax, that no one would ever go ahead with such an awful idea?  Behold!  IDW has revealed the proof!  This month will be consumed by their MARS ATTACKS crossover!  Now, MARS ATTACKS is pretty cool, but the other series they’re going to cross it over with?  Uh . . . it’s so bad, it’s sickening.

Shit, I know I’m kind of late with this one.  It just slipped under my radar.  Apparently, three of these books are already out.  First up:  Popeye.  Yes, Popeye.  The guy with the giant forearms and the spinach habit.  Second up?  KISS.  Yeah, no kidding.  The aliens actually go up against fucking KISS.  This week, it was Ghostbusters, but that was just to be expected.  The one that’s going to hurt the most for me is next week’s, which involves the Transformers.  The final one is supposed to be something called Zombies vs. Robots, so I don’t really give much of a fuck.  As if this wasn’t bad enough, they have incentive covers for comic shops.  Though they’re not really actual storylines, the fact that someone thought this shit up disgusts me.  One of them features Opus, from Bloom County.  Or Outland, if you’re too young to remember that.  Or how about a Judge Dredd crossover?  Maybe you’d like to try out Chew and Madman, or how about Spike, from the Buffy universe?  Or . . . fuck it.  I can’t go on.

I told you so.  That’s all I’m trying to say.

COOL SHIT 1-3-13

G.I. JOE:  COBRA #20:  With all the attention I pay to THE TRANSFORMERS here, one would think I’d bring up G.I. JOE a bit more often.  The thing is, all three books have been lagging, ever since they did that stupid Hunt for Snake-Eyes thing.  Let’s face it, the only way that story arc could have worked out in an awesome, unexpected way was if Snake-Eyes really did turn out to be a traitor, and he died in a very obvious, very gruesome fashion.  Now that the bullshit is out of the way, we can get back to the grown-up G.I. JOE kind of action IDW has been getting us hooked on ever since they picked up the series.  Flint and Lady Jaye are in serious trouble as they infiltrate a Red Oktober installation on a mission that doesn’t even exist on paper.  Now that they’ve been captured by a crew of thugs and murderers who have no regard for human life, it falls on Joe HQ to sort things out behind the scenes.  The problem:  the only person who seems capable of doing that is Tomax Paolo, who has been a prisoner of the Joes for . . . how long now?  Coming soon, they’re going to discontinue the three series in favor of three new series.  Personally, I think we’d be better served with one series, considering how for the past couple of years, we’ve been treated to one long story broken up over three monthlies.  Might as well just consolidate the whole thing.  I can understand having one main JOE book and then having a SPECIAL MISSIONS book, just like back in the ‘Eighties and ‘Nineties, but come on.  I have faith in the storytelling, but do we really need three JOE books?  That's kind of like breaking up an adaptation of THE HOBBIT into three movies--oh, wait.

AMERICAN VAMPIRE #34:  Now that we’ve been through several decades worth of story, we’ve finally reached the mid-point, according to writer Scott Snyder.  At first glance, it’s a sedate issue, but when you think more about it, it’s a harbinger of things to come, and is thus a very important issue.  With a bit of quick exposition, we learn the fate of Will Bunting, the first chronicler of Skinner Sweet’s life, and who has replaced Bunting at the VMS.  We also get to see Abilena Book in her old age as she denies having been granted visions by being bitten by Sweet years earlier.  We get to meet the new enemy of the series, and we get a massive slap to the face in regards to how things are going to go for the rest of the series.  Here’s the problem:  THEY’RE GOING ON HIATUS.  Snyder says the next story is written, but he also says that they’re taking some time off to recharge their batteries (and to give the artist more time to illustrate the series, as he doesn't want to take any more breaks).  I can only hope that Vertigo will actually still be around when they do come back.  Many of you are familiar with my ranting and raving in regards to HELLBLAZER’s cancellation, and how I believe that Vertigo will be gone by the end of 2013.  I love FABLES and all the related titles, but I’m pretty sure they could survive in the DCU and make everyone a lot of money there.  Right now, AMERICAN VAMPIRE is the only book that has me hoping that Vertigo will survive.  They’ve done a lot of great work over the years, including my two favorite books of all time (PREACHER and TRANSMETROPOLITAN, even though the latter did, indeed, start out at the short-lived Helix).  HELLBLAZER, the Lansdale JONAH HEX, THE SANDMAN, 100 BULLETS, I could go on forever about all the wonderful books they’ve done.  Maybe Shelly Bond can do great things now that she’s in charge (and I know she’s edited many good books that I’ve enjoyed over the years), but considering all the really, really, really, really, really bad decisions DC has made recently, Vertigo is a dog with rabies.  It’s only a matter of time before someone puts it down.  I hope AMERICAN VAMPIRE gets finished before that happens.

COOL SHIT 4-5-12

DICKS #3: I’m sorry, I said I was not going to talk about this book, but I won’t take up too much of your time. Seriously, just look at the cover. If you don’t find that it’s enough to get you to read this book, then fuck you. Just . . . fuck you.

G.I. JOE: INFESTATION 2 #2: I feel so grossed out that I like something in this stupid INFESTATION cross-over. But . . . I can’t help but like how they’re using characters like Serpentor and Crystal Ball. I’ve never really cared for Storm Shadow, but this issue makes some very good points in his favor. And honestly, GI Joe could have sat this one out. We don’t need them here. Cobra could have done this on their own. Snake Eyes seems to make an obligatory appearance. Anyway, it’s over now. I stand by my opinion of INFESTATION, but I will make an exception for this very small mini-series under its wing.

COBRA COMMAND: G.I. JOE #12: Here we have the aftermath of the most recent IDW series. Cobra Commander has exerted his absolute mastery over the heroin industry that he’s certain to indefinitely fund his terrorist organization. Hawk gets fired, and G.I. Joe gets their funding cut. Things are looking pretty grim for our heroes. Not only that, but everyone thinks Snake Eyes is dead. Us readers know the truth, but still. I can’t wait to see what these guys do with this title next.

THE BOYS #65: This. Is. It. I’ve been waiting for this moment since issue one. This is easily the greatest issue of this book EVER. Butcher vs. the Homelander, except . . . it’s nothing like I thought it would be. The Homelander isn’t quite what he seems, and neither is Black Noir, which is the true surprise. My mind was certainly blown by it, so I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. Those of you who have read this issue know what I’m talking about. I am absolutely shocked that this is not the last issue. All of the conflicts have been resolved. Where the fuck can Ennis go from here? My absolute favorite part is when Butcher breaks down, apologizing to his dead wife for everything that he’s done . . . and even more so, for what he’s ABOUT TO DO. What the fuck is he talking about?! SIX ISSUES TO GO.

COOL SHIT 3-29-12

AMERICAN VAMPIRE #25: This issue marks the end of my absolute favorite AV story arc thus far. We find out why, exactly, Travis is hunting down Skinner Sweet, as he and Sweet battle for what seems like a final time. Travis really, really thinks of everything. The only thing that can hurt Sweet is gold, and Travis had taken the time to mix gold powder into his coffee that morning. You know, on the off chance that Sweet would try to drink his blood. There is really no lengths to which Travis won’t go to get this guy. We still don’t know how Sweet survived WWII, but we do know something interesting and new about him. Believe it or not, it’s enough to turn Travis away from him. I hope the next story arc doesn’t let me down. Still, I don’t know how Snyder will be able to top this.

COBRA COMMAND: COBRA #11: The next mini-series reaches its end, and it’s kind of cool. Nothing too big happens . . . except the one scene that earns this book a place in Cool Shit. The Baroness is confronted by Ronin, a super-secret Joe. The latter seems to have the upper hand on the former, but it looks like the Baroness bites a cyanide pill in order to kill herself to evade being interrogated. Unfortunately for Ronin, she is actually swallowing the cure for the gas the Baroness has just unleashed. Ronin is about to die . . . except she is clever. Since the Baroness had the only capsule, Ronin forces her mouth on the Baroness’s, swallowing as much of the cure as she can. How awesome is that? This is not your father’s GI Joe.

THE LAST ZOMBIE: NEVERLAND #2: Once again, we get an all right issue except for one thing: our heroes are cutting their way through a cornfield when they discover they’re surrounded by guns . . . being held by children. That’s right, a bunch of kids have been living together in the middle of nowhere, defending themselves with automatic rifles, by their own admission killing people to survive. Now, they’re aiming guns at Ian Scott and his fellow military friends. How awesome is that? In addition, my copy has a double cover. There was probably a mix up, which resulted in me getting two identical covers on my book. That’ll be worth a lot of money in the future, right? Like an error baseball card, right? Right?!

CROSSED: BADLANDS #2: Garth Ennis gets far uglier than David Lapham could ever imagine. Lapham relied on horrible physical images to get his CROSSED material across. Sure, there was a lot of psychological stuff to it, but Ennis brings it to a whole new level. The narrator is your basic Everyman, but in his very quiet kind of way, he proves himself to be a complete bastard. We learn that he’s got a history of running away from big groups, but now we know that he’s not afraid to abandon a pregnant woman in order to preserve his own life. He’s ballsy enough to suggest to the group that everyone leave her alone to give birth, in order to save themselves from an incoming group of Crossed. If she lives, she can rejoin them later. The rest of the group certainly have their reservations about this plan (as would any good person), but one must wonder: if it came down to a survival situation just like this, how many readers would do the right thing? How many more would join the protagonist in fleeing? It’s some really nasty material (and I’m still digging the shit out of the character who claims to be Prince Harry; he’s such a bastard that one character is convinced he’s not lying because anyone in the royal family must be a fuck). Sad to say, there’s only one more Ennis issue of this book. Good news: Jamie Delano is picking up after this.

Also, it's worth noting that the narrator mentions the last group he was a part of, which was ruled by a triumverate of alpha males who constantly argued.  One of them makes a racist comment to another, and the narrator stops and thinks, really?  We're still doing this?  And I couldn't help but think, of course.  The rules of society have been canceled.  People are not afraid to let their real selves out.  Let's face it, most people don't use the dreaded n-word because society tells them it's not the proper thing to do.  However, just because society says no doesn't mean that the racist urge disappears.  That's why there are so many closet racists in the suburbs, for example.  If the rules no longer apply, then they have no reason to keep their ugliness inside.  So yes, Ennis, they are doing this, even in the middle of the Crossed apocalypse.  Especially then.

COOL SHIT 3-1-12

SPACEMAN #4: I swear, Brian Azzarello is doing a lot of really cool stuff with language in this book. Unlike things like A CLOCKWORK ORANGE, this lexicon actually makes sense and might even be the direction in which our own language is going. At the same time, he manages to give us an excellent crime story, just as we expect. As Orson makes yet another bad decision for a good cause, we know where everything is headed, and it’s not good for our protagonist. The other spacemen make their appearance in the modern timeline in this issue, and they seem pretty brutish to me. I can’t wait to see how this all turns out.

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION #2: A lot of awesome shit happens in this book, but the real star is, of course, Roadblock. We get a peek at his childhood and find out why he is the way he is. More to the point, Mainframe was the reason he enlisted in the first place, hence his reaction to Hawk in last issue, when he wasn’t allowed to rescue him. Too bad for Mainframe; he’s found dead in this issue. It’s weird to have so many different G.I. Joe continuums. In the regular book, Mainframe’s a pretty important character, and Roadblock is pretty low key. Like I said last time, this book is so cool I have high hopes for the new G.I. Joe movie coming out soon.

COOL SHIT 2-16-12

ROAD RAGE #1: I knew I’d like this one well before I picked it up, and not just because Stephen King and Joe Hill are listed as the writers. I’m very familiar with their adapted story, “Throttle,” so I already dig the characters and the situation. (Quick note: King and Hill just approved of the story; the guy who adapted it to the page is Chris Ryall.) And come on, let’s face it, this is a wet dream come true for horror fans. Father and son working together? Who could pass it up? I first encountered it as the audio book read by Stephen Lang, and I have loved it ever since. It was originally a part of an anthology, HE IS LEGEND, a collection of stories inspired by Richard Matheson. This one was inspired by DUEL, which will be adapted next for this title. So . . . am I turned-on by this? Like a motherfucker. The only problem is Ryall is a bit rushed, so some really good exposition goes right out the window. When these bikers start getting killed by the guy in the truck, I don’t give a shit about any of them. He also cut out one of my favorite exchanges from the story, about a four-letter word for something one character does to another’s mother. (The answer: GALL.) Still, it’s a good primer for King, Hill, and Matheson’s work, so check it out.

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION #1: The more I hear about the new G.I. Joe movie, the more I want to see it. I think it might just kick the shit out of the first one, and this movie prequel helps reinforce that idea. Mainframe gets taken hostage by ninja (as we learn in this issue, the plural of “ninja” is “ninja”), and Snake Eyes and Roadblock fail to get him back. In fact, Roadblock get so pissed off he decks Hawk and gets locked up for it. Also, they’re not afraid to kill Joes off. Charbroil goes out in a pretty nasty way. The only drawback: Storm Shadow’s still alive. Fuck that pussy shit. Kill off the guy, and don’t do any take-backs.

WONDER WOMAN #6: This book flounders a lot. It’s hard to say whether it’s good or not, but the current issue has a pretty cool concept. Wonder Woman is manipulating Poseidon and Hades together in an attempt to get something that she wants. Not bad, Azzarello. Not bad. The only thing is . . . do you miss writing for HELLBLAZER? Is that what this Lennox fellow is about? Because let’s face it, aside from the whole being built of stone thing, he’s Constantine. Come on. A blond, chain-smoking trenchcoated Englishman who knows his way around magic and sardonic one-liners? Why didn’t you just use Constantine? Get him out of that awful JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK book.

THE TRANSFORMERS: MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE #2: Goddam, do I love the direction this franchise is taking! Rodimus is still trying to account for everybody after their ship nearly exploded, and in the meantime, Skids, the theoretician of the group, gets to battle robots with giant swords. Cyclonus is inducted onto the team, and . . . and . . . I’m giddy. They even have a list of the crew on the last page. This could very well be the best series in the entire run of this book, and I’m even throwing the G1 stuff in there.

HELLBLAZER #288: I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited for this. Wait, actually I can: approximately 200 issues. John Constantine versus the First of the Fallen once again, and this time, the blue collar mage has chosen to take the ultimate gamble: the Devil’s Wager. The First gives him the chance to convince his sister to leave Hell, and if he succeeds, they’ll be rushed out. However, if he fails, the First gets Epiphany’s soul. And there’s a catch: any promise made in Hell must be honored in the land of the living. To add to the mess, Constantine’s evil twin is hanging around Cheryl in Hell (mostly because it’s entertaining). I cannot tell you how fucking happy I am right now. Comics have been really good to me today.