GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #860: 100 ORGASMS

 Arnold Schwarzenegger's Pump Club is chockful of suggestions for living longer and keeping your brain intact. Getting enough sleep is something he talks about often. And lifting weights seems to solve a lot of physical problems, or at the least helps you live longer with a better life.

But he's got a doozy for us today. Today's "number you won't forget" is 100. As in, if you masturbate 100 times to orgasm in a year, you will likely live three years longer than you would have. Finally I can do something he recommends! Hell, I got this one down pretty good. 100 jerkoff sessions? In a year? I think I have that this year alone so far. If you want to read the study, check it out here.

There's more. Sex two times a week could lower your risk of heart disease. And then there's the big number. If you want to add possibly eight years to your life, you have a better shot at it if you masturbate SEVEN HUNDRED TIMES A YEAR. I don't know if I can, heh, pull that off. I don't know how many of us could diddle ourselves that often. Maybe Matthew McConaughey in The Wolf of Wall Street could do it. Because I'm a pervert I ran the numbers, and if he jerks off as much as he claims to in that movie, he does so.730 times a year. At least.

I'm not too thrilled to be adding years to my life. I've lived decades with older people. I know exactly what waits for me if I'm not lucky enough to die before it happens. There is no dignity in death, but there are degrees, and I'd rather have as much dignity as possible than leave behind friends and relatives who know exactly what it's like to change my diapers or to wash out my fat folds. But if you're the sort who wants to live as long as possible, perhaps I've brightened your day? Go forth and conquer.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #749: STITCHLESS TMI

 

I got my stitches out today. It still hurts like hell, but it's not so bad anymore. There's a tiny slit that's still kind of open, but I have stuff to keep it clean. I don't even need a bandage anymore. But I still need to do my hand exercises. The trigger finger doesn't lock up anymore, but it feels weird, and I'd like it to stop doing that.

It shouldn't surprise you to know that when I learned the date my hand surgery would take place, I spanked my monkey soooooooo fucking much. Had to get it all in before the surgery because I knew I wouldn't be able to do anything after for a while. I'm a 45 year old diabetic, so getting that much masturbation in was kind of difficult. And yes, I know I've said here many times that I jerk off left handed, and that's my right hand up there. But who uses just one hand? Doing that is kind of lackluster. I certainly lead with the left, yet my right hand gets a lot done, too. But yeah, I hit middle age, and my sex drive plummeted. I think the 'Beetus is having an effect, too. And I know this is going to sound crazy to you, all things considered, but my sex drive wasn't that high to begin with.

So getting my time's worth was a little more difficult than usual. I was hoping to resume the Palm Olympics today, but I'm just going to have to take it easy for a while.

And yes, I have jerked off since my surgery, but like I said above, it was lackluster. I didn't feel a thrill. It felt like a task instead. And I didn't shoot out like usual. I used to be a distance man, but that was maybe 20 years ago. When I petted the one eyed wonder weasel after the surgery? It was more of a dribble.

Just think: I have to do the hand surgery all over again after the new year because I have trigger finger in the index finger of my left hand. So I guess I'll have to go to town again before that happens.

This fucking blows. To be continued, I guess . . .

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #589: PAIN NEVER GOES AWAY

 Pain has been on my mind a lot lately. Not only is there the constant pain of my bad left foot, but now I'm discovering the pain of getting old. I thought I already had, but it's on a new level now.

And this pain doesn't go away.

Drinking always took the pain away. As good as quitting booze has been for me, I sometimes curse the day that I stopped drinking. If I had some whiskey right now, I wouldn't be thinking about this fucking pain. I wouldn't feel it, or at least it would be so far away that it wouldn't be worth noticing.

All my joints are fucked. My right knee wants to complain every time I move the fucking thing. My tennis elbow is still killing me. My wrists are constantly bitching at me, and only one of them has any reason to. (I'm looking at you, Leftie. Jerking off didn't take too long today. What gives?) And now it feels like two of my fingers on my right hand are dislocated. I know they're not, but neither of them feel connected at the mid knuckle. Every time I flex them I feel them pop like they're almost about to get back into place but never do.

The only way I can stand is by groaning and cursing. When I stand at work, I keep my mouth shut, but I hobble for the first few steps.

Getting old sucks. 0/10. Would not recommend.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #529: TALK TO ME

 To be read to this song. Although it will be difficult because that song is fucking hilarious, and you probably won't be able to concentrate on what I've written.

A while back, and this was while I was still drinking between my second amputation and the death of my grandmother, I watched Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan's stand up special. If you don't know who they are, they are two of the Broken Lizard guys. You know, Super Troopers. The two guys who went on to Tacoma FD. I'm not surprised to discover that Heffernan is probably not acting very much in that movie, but Lemme has this bit about the shame of getting caught jerking off. I tried to find it on YouTube so you could see what I mean, but I laughed my ass off because I knew how true that is. I'm not going to repeat what he said because there is no way I could do it justice, but I'd like to talk about that feeling of shame.

For the most part I am shameless. Many of you already knew that, but I am very sincere when I say that it's hard for me to feel ashamed. These days it's because I live my life in a way that I try not to do anything that would make me feel that way. But also, I don't care who knows that I jerk off. Everyone masturbates except perhaps for people who are asexual. Although there was a period of my life that I went years without roughing up the suspect. I lost my virginity at an early age, and my first time out I got the clap. (I'd tell that story, but one of the two people involved in making that happen has passed, and he had kids since this event, so I don't want them to have that image of him. The other is very much alive and could possibly face criminal charges, so I'm keeping my mouth shut.) That put a damper on any and all sexual feelings I had at the time. But once I started having sex again, I returned to beating the one-eyed wonder weasel with gusto.

But before I lost my virginity was the Golden Era of Jerking Off for me. I'd do it four or five times a day at minimum. I should mention that this was when I was in junior high. The summer between then and high school was when I, in the Beavis and Butt-Head parlance, scored.

I've only ever gotten caught with Rosy Palm and her five sisters once. There were a few close calls, but as Lemme says in the standup routine, when you hear someone at the door you have time to do one thing and one thing only. I always made sure that I only had one action I needed to take.

Except that once. I was home from school sick, and I was in the basement watching TV. Even as ill as I felt, I still got a hard on because, well, I was thirteen. When you're a thirteen year old boy, it's easier to count the times you *don't* have a hard on. So under the blanket I started to pound my meat. I didn't hear Gramps coming down the stairs until I saw him from the corner of my eye. I hoped that he hadn't noticed, so I crossed my legs under the blanket and pretended to be watching TV with great interest.

"I saw what you were doing," Gramps said. "That's a very bad thing. Don't ever do that again."

Way to shame me, Gramps. But I felt it. I felt that shame Lemme mentioned like a rotten fruit in the deepest pit of my guts. I didn't like it. No sir. Not one bit. Which is probably why I have since gone to great lengths to never feel it again.

But as a great man once said, I'm too old to go jumping into lockers. So fuck it. You catch me, you catch me. I'm sure I'll feel that shame again, but who knows? Maybe by now I won't feel it quite so bad.

This is part of that standup special I was talking about. If memory serves, he started talking about jerking off after this bit.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #473: THINGS I DO WITH MY LEFT HAND

 "I'm right handed in all things except for one." Roland Deschain said that in The Drawing of the Three, and I've been parroting that amazing line ever since I first read it decades ago. Because it's true for me. I'm right handed in just about everything I do except for jerking off. That's lefty's job all the way.

But having recently had a splint on my left hand I've discovered that I do a lot more with lefty than I ever thought possible. Here is a list of these things while they're fresh on my mind. (I'm not including typing on this list as that is a given.)

I aim my dick with my left hand when I piss.

I steer my car with my left hand.

I open cans with my left hand.

When I need to go up a step, I brace with my left hand. (Also, when I stand up from a chair or from bed, I brace with lefty.)

I hold my phone with my left hand (mostly).

I squeeze the toothpaste tube with my left hand.

When I don't have a letter opener, I open envelopes with my left hand.

When mopping the bathroom floor, my left hand is dominant.

When throwing devil horns to metal I use my left hand. (That looked fucking weird with the splint on my ring finger.)

I hold the panhandle with my left hand when I cook.

OK, this is getting boring. You get the idea. I've been dexterous my entire life, but it turns out I've been a lot more sinister than I thought . . .

It should be noted that I can't jerk off with my right hand. I tried when I was younger. It goes all right until the money shot. When I cum it feels too weird and weak and awkward. Kind of like the sudden need to sneeze while pissing.