To be read to this song. Although it will be difficult because that song is fucking hilarious, and you probably won't be able to concentrate on what I've written.
A while back, and this was while I was still drinking between my second amputation and the death of my grandmother, I watched Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan's stand up special. If you don't know who they are, they are two of the Broken Lizard guys. You know, Super Troopers. The two guys who went on to Tacoma FD. I'm not surprised to discover that Heffernan is probably not acting very much in that movie, but Lemme has this bit about the shame of getting caught jerking off. I tried to find it on YouTube so you could see what I mean, but I laughed my ass off because I knew how true that is. I'm not going to repeat what he said because there is no way I could do it justice, but I'd like to talk about that feeling of shame.
For the most part I am shameless. Many of you already knew that, but I am very sincere when I say that it's hard for me to feel ashamed. These days it's because I live my life in a way that I try not to do anything that would make me feel that way. But also, I don't care who knows that I jerk off. Everyone masturbates except perhaps for people who are asexual. Although there was a period of my life that I went years without roughing up the suspect. I lost my virginity at an early age, and my first time out I got the clap. (I'd tell that story, but one of the two people involved in making that happen has passed, and he had kids since this event, so I don't want them to have that image of him. The other is very much alive and could possibly face criminal charges, so I'm keeping my mouth shut.) That put a damper on any and all sexual feelings I had at the time. But once I started having sex again, I returned to beating the one-eyed wonder weasel with gusto.
But before I lost my virginity was the Golden Era of Jerking Off for me. I'd do it four or five times a day at minimum. I should mention that this was when I was in junior high. The summer between then and high school was when I, in the Beavis and Butt-Head parlance, scored.
I've only ever gotten caught with Rosy Palm and her five sisters once. There were a few close calls, but as Lemme says in the standup routine, when you hear someone at the door you have time to do one thing and one thing only. I always made sure that I only had one action I needed to take.
Except that once. I was home from school sick, and I was in the basement watching TV. Even as ill as I felt, I still got a hard on because, well, I was thirteen. When you're a thirteen year old boy, it's easier to count the times you *don't* have a hard on. So under the blanket I started to pound my meat. I didn't hear Gramps coming down the stairs until I saw him from the corner of my eye. I hoped that he hadn't noticed, so I crossed my legs under the blanket and pretended to be watching TV with great interest.
"I saw what you were doing," Gramps said. "That's a very bad thing. Don't ever do that again."
Way to shame me, Gramps. But I felt it. I felt that shame Lemme mentioned like a rotten fruit in the deepest pit of my guts. I didn't like it. No sir. Not one bit. Which is probably why I have since gone to great lengths to never feel it again.
But as a great man once said, I'm too old to go jumping into lockers. So fuck it. You catch me, you catch me. I'm sure I'll feel that shame again, but who knows? Maybe by now I won't feel it quite so bad.
This is part of that standup special I was talking about. If memory serves, he started talking about jerking off after this bit.