GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #555: HALLOWEEN HUMBUG

 

*sigh* I'm a terrible horror author. Yeah, yeah, I know. But here it is. I've talked about this before, but I don't remember if I was this clear about it. So here it goes.

I don't give a flying fuck about Halloween.

It used to be my favorite holiday. I went trick or treating long after I should have stopped. Even though I still dress up for Halloween parties and work (if it's on a weekday), my heart's not really in it. I'd carve pumpkins and put up decorations, the whole nine yards. But not anymore. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually like Christmas more. It's the only holiday I care about anymore. I know it's full of shit and lies, but I like the giving gifts part. Too bad my surviving family is scattered to the winds and I'm not likely to do the Christmas stuff again.

Getting back to Halloween, I don't get excited to watch horror movies during October, either. I watched horror movies every single day of my life. I went through the entire horror sections of every local video rental store around the time I was in college. But now I just don't care. I keep thinking I should check out newer flicks, but I never do. The interest just isn't strong in me. I'm kinda interested in the new Hellraiser, but I don't know if I'll ever get around to it. I couldn't possibly care less about the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre. New Leprechaun? Not for me. And I've never cared about Michael Myers. I respect the original Halloween's place in the genre, but I thought it was a bore when I first saw it. I've only ever enjoyed two Halloween movies. Season of the Witch (of course) and Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 because it was just so bizarre and different from what I came to expect of those silly movies.

(There are only two slashers I care about anymore. Freddy, obviously, but I've made my peace with the fact that Robert Englund is never going to do another one of those. That's fine. And Chucky. Holy shit, that show is awesome. Chucky keeps getting better and crazier the older he gets.)

I still dig horror books. I doubt I'll ever stop reading those. But it might be a long time before I get into horror movies again.

So what did I do for Halloween this year? Not much. I dressed up for work as Billy Butcher from The Boys, but that's about it.

Well . . . maybe I did something else. You might recall that my usual Halloween ritual involves watching Night on Bald Mountain from Fantasia. Did you know that Bela Lugosi posed for the cartoonists for that short? Pretty interesting. Anyway, if you want to take a look, check it out here.

Oh yeah! I also like this one.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #467: HORRIBLE THOUGHTS FROM MY HEAD #3,469: MAKE MONEY SELLING COMICS!

 I'm going to tell you something you probably don't know, but you should. Those comic books you left at your parents' house when you moved out? It's highly unlikely that they're worth anything. So when you see a story on the news about how a guy sold his collection for a million bucks, please be aware that you probably won't be that lucky.

Because that guy had key issues. Do you know how hard it is to have a comic book from the last thirty years be worth something? You can get a nice payout for the first appearance of Harley Quinn, for example. Or a first edition issue one of The Walking Dead (which I do have, signed by both author and artist). That's the kind of thing worth something. Everything else? Good luck getting ten bucks for the lot, even if there are a thousand books in your collection.

So why are the Golden Age comics worth so much? They certainly sold a lot of copies, right? Well, the reason for that is because when those old people moved out of their parents' house, their parents threw away their comic books, thus limiting extant copies by a lot. Your comic books? Everyone in your age range kept their issues because they figured that someday they would be worth something. Whoops. One of the oldest rules in collecting things is that the more limited a supply of something is, the more money it's worth.

So here's where my horrible thought comes from. You actually *can* get a lot of money for your collection, but you have to do something. Let's use, say, The Boys #1 as an example. I'm not sure how much it's really worth now, but a cursory look at Google shows that it's around seventy to eighty bucks. Not bad. In fact, it's pretty good for a fairly recent comic book.

But you don't want to sell your copy for that much money. You want to sell it for six figures. You can lie your way to that cash, but the chances of succeeding are extraordinarily low.

Which is why you have to hunt down as many copies of that book as you can and destroy them. Rip 'em up, shoot 'em up, set 'em on fire, put 'em through shredders. Whatever you must do, make sure that they are utterly and irrevocably damaged. I have no idea what the original print run for this issue was, and Google is very unhelpful on this point, but you have to find as many as possible. Because if there's only, say, a hundred left, they will be very valuable. Imagine how much more valuable it would be if there's only 50. Or twenty. Or ten.

Or one. Your copy. But make sure you're very careful with it because you're not the only one who thought of this plan. And I, too, have this issue in my collection.

Watch your back.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #88: COMIC BOOK READER

In the wake of the new season of COMIC BOOK MEN, I feel the need to talk about my love of comic books. Since I started reviewing comic books for the Elmhurst College LEADER in 1998, I've been considered a comic book reader. To be fair, I did this long before. I loved comics when I was a kid, and I didn't stop until Marvel's incarnation of THE TRANSFORMERS ended, much to my chagrin. Years later, CJ, a friend I'd met during my senior year of high school, got me back into comics with EVIL ERNIE, PREACHER and HITMAN. Three years later, I was writing reviews for the LEADER as the first comic book reviewer EVER on staff. My time there won me an award from the Chicago TRIBUNE. (I got two, actually, but I only got one for my comic book work.)


Still, whenever I mention my love of comic books, people assume I'm talking about superheroes. This pisses me off a great deal, because not all comic books are about superheroes. In fact, I don't like superheroes. I know, that's blasphemy in this age of Marvel movies. Let me make myself clear: I love the superhero movies, but I can't stand the superhero comic books. I'm not condemning those books. It's a matter of taste. I don't like them, but I don't hate people who like them. That's your business, not mine.


I don't really read superhero comic books. The only time I do is when a writer I respect is writing them. There are a handful of great superhero stories, I think. One of them is obviously WATCHMEN. Another is THE BOYS, which is one of the greatest comic books ever written. I loved Mark Millar's take on OLD MAN LOGAN. The same goes for David Morrell's take on SAVAGE WOLVERINE. And then there's books like Brian Azzarello's WONDER WOMAN and so on and so forth.


But ultimately, those aren't the books I'm interested in, aside from THE BOYS. I think superheroes are stupid. I find it's a fucking shame that the average person isn't aware that comic books are more than some person wearing skintight underwear facing off against criminal/evil alien villains. I want PREACHER. I want TRANSMETROPOLITAN. I want 100 BULLETS. And yes, I want LOCKE & KEY. How about AMERICAN VAMPIRE? Or DICKS? Or CROSSED? Or THE FADE OUT? Or CRIMINAL or FATALE? FBP? SAGA? SEX CRIMINALS? STRAY BULLETS? TREES? How about DORK and MILK AND CHEESE? I could go on forever, but most average people, whenever they think of comic books, will think about Superman, Batman, the X-Men, Spider-Man and whoever else wears spandex tight enough to show the shape of their genitals.


I love Tommy Monaghan, one of the few guys in the old DCU who took the piss out of superheroes on a regular basis. He puked on Batman and showed how Green Lantern was a cheapskate. Or how about THE BOYS, who policed the degenerate supes?


But . . . the loyal fans of HITMAN remember very well that there was one superhero who had earned Tommy's trust: Superman. And just like that, I can appreciate certain things about the comic book superheroes.


Whenever someone brings something cool into the Stash on COMIC BOOK MEN, I can truly appreciate it. I'm wowed. I'm very interested to see how these things turn out, because they're historical documents.


But let's be honest. Superheroes should have died out long ago. Marvel manages to keep them alive, for the most part. I don't like a lot of their methods, but they have their hearts in the right place. DC, on the other hand, has driven their titles into the ground. They don't know what the fuck they're doing. If their BATMAN/SUPERMAN movie succeeds, it will only be because people were curious enough to see it. Not because it's great, though.


Some superheroes are immortal, and that's fine. Those who aren't should have been released a while ago. The Big Two work constantly to reinvent these characters, but in all honesty, I think they should just be released. If they continue with new people behind the mask, then it's the same ol' bullshit as ever. If there's a reboot, no matter how much you change it, it's still the same ol' bullshit as ever. If you let these characters die? They can serve a narrative purpose.


Reboots only serve as commercial agents. Actually killing characters off would serve stories very well. Not like I give a shit. Just give me my non-superhero books, and I'll be satisfied.


But what the fuck do I care? You guys fuck around with your superhero comics, and I'll stay over here with the other stuff. Goodnight, fuckers.

COOL SHIT 4-5-12

DICKS #3: I’m sorry, I said I was not going to talk about this book, but I won’t take up too much of your time. Seriously, just look at the cover. If you don’t find that it’s enough to get you to read this book, then fuck you. Just . . . fuck you.

G.I. JOE: INFESTATION 2 #2: I feel so grossed out that I like something in this stupid INFESTATION cross-over. But . . . I can’t help but like how they’re using characters like Serpentor and Crystal Ball. I’ve never really cared for Storm Shadow, but this issue makes some very good points in his favor. And honestly, GI Joe could have sat this one out. We don’t need them here. Cobra could have done this on their own. Snake Eyes seems to make an obligatory appearance. Anyway, it’s over now. I stand by my opinion of INFESTATION, but I will make an exception for this very small mini-series under its wing.

COBRA COMMAND: G.I. JOE #12: Here we have the aftermath of the most recent IDW series. Cobra Commander has exerted his absolute mastery over the heroin industry that he’s certain to indefinitely fund his terrorist organization. Hawk gets fired, and G.I. Joe gets their funding cut. Things are looking pretty grim for our heroes. Not only that, but everyone thinks Snake Eyes is dead. Us readers know the truth, but still. I can’t wait to see what these guys do with this title next.

THE BOYS #65: This. Is. It. I’ve been waiting for this moment since issue one. This is easily the greatest issue of this book EVER. Butcher vs. the Homelander, except . . . it’s nothing like I thought it would be. The Homelander isn’t quite what he seems, and neither is Black Noir, which is the true surprise. My mind was certainly blown by it, so I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. Those of you who have read this issue know what I’m talking about. I am absolutely shocked that this is not the last issue. All of the conflicts have been resolved. Where the fuck can Ennis go from here? My absolute favorite part is when Butcher breaks down, apologizing to his dead wife for everything that he’s done . . . and even more so, for what he’s ABOUT TO DO. What the fuck is he talking about?! SIX ISSUES TO GO.

COOL SHIT 3-8-12

FATALE #3: How can this book get any cooler? We learn a bit more about Josephine this time around (but certainly not enough), when she reveals the location where she first died. Also, we go back to the present to check up on Nicolas, who is definitely still in trouble. And there is a scene which reminds me of the one in VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED, when a guy was mentally dominated into killing himself. Good times. Great news: this isn’t going to be a mini-series. Brubaker now says it’s going to be an epic. Originally, he thought it would be 12 issues, but now he realizes he needs more, like maybe 15, maybe more (since he’s not done writing it yet). This is going to be a solid source of entertainment for quite some time.

DICKS #2: Fuck, am I excited for the return of DICKS! All right, I’ll try not to gush too much about it. I know it’s a re-release, and as such isn’t worthy of Cool Shit, so I won’t bring it up again, unless something truly awesome about a particular issue blows my mind. Of course, when they start DICKS 3, I will probably rant about every fucking issue. There’s just something about everything being colorized that makes it seem somehow more obscene. Oh, and hey! Check out that cover! Yes, that’s Trio getting gangbanged by Wookies.

THE BOYS #64: Holy fuck, things are ending fast, and Garth Ennis isn’t fucking around. Butcher is finally on his way to his final showdown with the Homelander, which will probably happen in next issue. The Boys have finally leaked everything about the secret lives of the superheroes, so now the world knows exactly how depraved they are. The Vought scumbag shows a surprising amount of backbone, and M.M. makes a chilling discovery. Perhaps the Homelander isn’t the genius behind this master plot . . . . SEVEN ISSUES TO GO!

COOL SHIT 2-2-12

THE BOYS #63: Listen up, motherfuckers. If you’re not reading this book . . . I’ve failed you. I don’t know what else I can say to get you on board. I think I’ve gushed about every issue of this book since I started doing Cool Shit. Well, if you’re still (somehow) on the fence, there are only two issues left after this one. A shit-ton of longtime characters die in this issue. High profile characters. The Homelander’s plan is finally in full swing as superheroes attack Washington. He does such an efficient job because he has tricked both the Boys and Vought into fighting each other while he goes off and kills a bunch of politicians. Butcher is his usual charming self, while Hughie makes a decision which might damn him. Frenchie suffers a little while the Female . . . well, she kicks the shit out of a lot of people, which makes her very happy. This book is so hot, it scorched my hands while reading it. We’re headed for an all-out, fucked-up, gorefest of an ending. Butcher’s going to Washington, you see, and he’s going to get his longtime wish: a final showdown with the Homelander, the superhero who killed the love of his life. Get your head out of your ass and read this book. It is hands down my favorite ongoing series. I haven’t been so excited about a series since, well, PREACHER.

LOCKE AND KEY: CLOCKWORKS #4: Speaking of books that will end soon . . . although don’t worry. Joe Hill’s not nearly as close to the ending as Garth Ennis is with THE BOYS. (This one has nine issues to go.)  As with the previous issue, we get more of the back story of the Locke family, and what exactly Rendell Locke did that irreparably fucked up his group of friends. The pieces are all falling together. We’re almost ready for the final stretch of this story, now that we know how Caravaggio became the creature in the well. It is Rendell’s final magical act as a child, to create a key that will give all of his friends a piece of magic to carry with them for the rest of their lives, even though it’s forbidden by the rules of the house in which he lives. Wait until you read his plan and how it gets fucked up. In case you couldn’t tell, this is my second favorite ongoing series.  (My third is THE WALKING DEAD, which is nowhere near the end, if ever they reach an ending point.)


And now, before I finish up, I’d like to give you another installment of SHIT SHIT. No, I’m not going to talk about that bullshit INFESTATION 2: TRANSFORMERS book, although I should. They’re actually advertising it as steampunk. The fucking nerve . . . . And I’m not going to talk about the new WINTER SOLDIER book. Doesn’t Brubaker write enough CAPTAIN AMERICA books? He needs another one? No, what I want to discuss is . . .

G.I. JOE: A REAL AMERICAN HERO: IDW really needs to bring a stop to this book. I thought it was a cool idea at first, seeing as how my second favorite series when I was a kid was G.I. JOE. Since the title was so popular, why not bring the original series back and pick up where they left off? Well, I now know why not. This is a nostalgia book, nothing more. The stuff that happens in it might have been cool to little-kid me, but it all seems kind of stupid to my adult brain. Also, we have three perfectly good G.I. JOE titles going right now, full of awesome stuff that I occasionally talk about here in Cool Shit. I’ll admit, it’s sometimes fun to see the old Cobra Commander in action, but that alone does not make this a good book. Sorry, Mr. Hama. I genuinely like your stuff, but just not this. Please stop.

COOL SHIT 11-3-11

THE BOYS #60: Shit, there weren’t a lot of books that came out this week. There were plenty of good ones, but only one that was Cool Shit-worthy. So naturally, it’s a Garth Ennis book, the one I’ve been the most excited about these past few years. In this issue, something truly amazing happens. You know how the U.S. President has been kind of hanging around the background of the story? (Okay, I know we got to see him once before. It doesn’t count.) We finally get to meet him in all of his cowboy glory . . . AND ENNIS FUCKIN’ KILLS HIM OFF. And let’s not mince words, this is the most embarrassing way for a U.S. President to die, short of getting killed in a dildo accident. I mean, if Taft had died in that bathtub, it would still not be as bad as how Ennis offed this guy. While doing a meet-and-greet with a bunch of patriotic kids and their off-kilter pets, one of them escapes and makes a bee-line for the Prez (who looks a little more than coincidentally like Dubya). Yes, the President is mauled to death by a wolverine in front of a roomful of children. And it was fuckin’ BRUTAL. He gets his eyes eaten out and his throat torn out so deeply you can practically see all of his spinal column. I was tempted to use this picture to represent this issue, but . . . buy the book and see it for yourself. Jesus. The worst part: this means the perennial moron, Vic the Veep is now in charge. Fuuuuuuck.



And that’s not all. MM finds out that his skank of a wife is making porn with their daughter and a guy named Julius Kong. Naturally, he’s a wee bit upset, and it looks like Butcher’s going to have to calm him down. With all the infighting of late, next issue could contain a very interesting two-fisted battle.


I have one more thing to mention. The reason Ennis is my favorite comics writer is his fearlessness in tackling any subject, but a very good secondary reason is his irreverence toward superheroes. Honestly, I never liked those dickbags (I only read their books when writers I like are writing them), and it does my heart good to see them suffer. (PREACHER was my favorite book, but I miss HITMAN more for this reason alone. Where else could you see a criminal puking his guts out on Batman’s feet? Or how about when Tommy Monaghan reveals the Green Lantern to be an absolute cheapskate?)


One of the things I hate most about superheroes is how they take themselves ever-so-fucking seriously. Case in point: their stupid macho (and this applies to women, too, not just the men) poses on the covers of their books. Eyes squinted, crouching as if ready to pounce, mouths open as if shouting with rage, the works. It never looks cool. Ever. Ever. Ever. There is nothing more hatefully laughable than this bullshit.


Take a look at the last panel of this issue as Team Titanic make their debut, and you’ll see what I mean. But the thing is, not even the Homelander, the piece of shit that he is, lets them get away with this crap. With the last two panels, he takes the absolute piss out of the lot of them, and they have it coming in spades. Thank you, Mr. Ennis.

COOL SHIT 10-20-11

SUPERIOR #6: Remember how I said in last week’s review of SUPERIOR #5 how Millar has an actual heart? It has never shown through more than in this issue. As young Simon finds himself back to the way he was, he is given a day to decide whether or not to sell his soul. You see, Ormon is desperate for his soul. If he doesn’t get it, he’s going to be dismissed to the deepest depths of Hell. Now that Simon finds himself realizing how much love he has in the world, even though he’s not really Superior, Ormon feels the need to hedge his bets. Read it to see for yourself.

THE BIONIC MAN #3: At first I was skeptical of this one. Do we really have to keep bringing shit back from the dead? In all honesty, I don’t even care about Steve Austin. But . . . well, Kevin Smith wrote it, so of course I’m going to give it a try. Sure enough, just like with GREEN HORNET, too much of Smith’s style shines through. But at the same time, he knows when to back off and let the story tell itself. I’m sure a lot of old time fans would feel their stomachs churn when they see all that remains of Austin’s body after his awful plane crash. And of course he doesn’t want to be rebuilt. He just wants to die. Smith brings a lot of common sense to a larger than life story.

HELLBLAZER #284: How can things get even more fucked up in John Constantine’s life? His control over magic continues to spiral out of control while his purloined trenchcoat gets into a bit of trouble on its own. Any long time reader of this series will feel absolute horror at the final page of this issue. After all this time on Constantine’s shoulders, is the trenchcoat really going up in smoke?

BUTCHER, BAKER, CANDLESTICKMAKER #4: How much you wanna’ bet I’m not going to mention Garth Ennis next week? Never mind. Anyway, once again, we get a rare glimpse of Butcher in love. It truly is a sight to behold, especially for those of us who are used to him being a hard bastard. But even more shocking is the end of this issue. We heard about what happened when the Homelander raped Butcher’s wife and she gave birth to his unnatural child. Now we actually get to see what happened. I want to tell you all about it so bad, but . . . fuck it. I can’t. It’ll ruin the book for you. Needless to say, it is one of the craziest scenes ever put to the page. If you don’t read this book, you’re fucking nuts. Or you have a soul. Whatever.

COOL SHIT 10-6-11

I feel stupid.  Something happened to my Cool Shit file, and the post I was going to make today was destroyed beyond all belief.  So . . . I'll wing it.

CALIGULA #4:  Remember how Felix, our protagonist, was buttfucked by a talking horse in the last issue?  Where exactly do you go from there?  And is it possible that he's actually starting to love Caligula?  Lapham's an absolute beast.  There's no telling what he'll do next.

THE WALKING DEAD #89:  It looks like this book is back on track.  For the past few issues, it's been in kind of a lull since they're between story arcs.  But now that people at the Community are threatening to murder Rick before things can get even more fucked up, things are picking up.  Bad news for Glenn:  he walked into the middle of the conspiracy, and now they want to kill him to keep him silent.  Guns come out, shit goes bad, and THE WALKING DEAD is back to being a clusterfuck.  Nice.

THE BOYS #59:  There are just two more story arcs left to this book.  If you want to get on board, now's the time.  It looks like the epic battle between the Seven and the Boys is off, excpet Jack from Jupiter seems to still think the Boys were responsible for releasing the incriminating sex video of him, thereby ruining his career as a supe.  As a result, the Boys suffer a major loss.  Butcher does not take this lightly, and he has visions of gory and terrible retribution in mind.  The conclusion of this issue is fucking ghastly.

COOL SHIT 6-2-11

BATMAN: KNIGHT OF VENGEANCE #1: All right, I’ll be the first to confess that I haven’t been paying attention to the Flashpoint thing DC is doing. From what I hear, it won’t matter, since they’re rebooting EVERY FUCKING BOOK (ask any comic shop guy, and they’ll tell you it’s the worst idea ever; this is a perfect jumping off point for their readers). However, it seems that this book happens in some kind of alternate universe, where Batman is THOMAS Wayne and is more in line with Frank Miller’s vision of him. Also, Wayne seems to be running casinos. Kind of weird for a crime fighter. It also seems like Hush, Scarecrow, and Poison Ivy are all dead in this world (and so is Killer Croc; we know because Batman stabs him in the fucking head). The Penguin works for Wayne. Jim Gordon knows all about the Batman and who he really is. Weird stuff. Oh, and did I mention that this tale comes from Brian Azzarello and Eduardo Risso? I didn’t? Shame on me. And shame on you for not having this book already.

30 DAYS OF NIGHT: NIGHT, AGAIN #2: Lansdale kicks things up a notch in this one. Remember how those survivors had to strike out through the Alaskan wilderness with very few supplies? Well, they made it, but at quite the cost: they went cannibal. And we also learn a few things about Trudy, mainly about how she made it away from the vampires in the first place. Oh, and we finally get to find out what’s knocking from the inside of that torpedo. Things are picking up here. If you didn’t like the first issue, you probably will like this one.


I will not talk about THE BOYS. I will not talk about THE BOYS. I will not talk about THE BOYS. Ah, fuck it.

THE BOYS #55: Seriously. I talk about this book so much, if you haven’t gone out and checked it out for yourself by now, you probably won’t. Then, the movie will come out, and you’ll want to check out the books anyway. Dumb fucks. Well, to get to the point, it’s official. We no longer have any mysteries in this book. Mallory has told them all to Hughie (except for Butcher’s personal past, which we’ll be getting when the mini-series comes out this summer), who now has to deal with this sudden, grim knowledge. If you want in on this series, you’d better hurry up. We’re closing in on the end. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

COOL SHIT 5-5-11

AXE COP: BAD GUY EARTH #3: This mini-series comes to a happily-ever-after ending, much like a lot of children’s adventures do. (Except for Sockarang’s Mom, may she rest in peace). More insane childish play from six-year-old writer, Malachai Nicolle. It makes me want to break out my old toys and have a few adventures of my own. The best part? President Zombie Bear Cop. I guarantee you will never come across anything like that in another book, not even in GOD HATES ASTRONAUTS. Well, probably.

JONAH HEX #67: Remember how, in my “review” of the movie, JONAH HEX, I said that having Hex wanted was a stupid idea and that it only ever came up to serve a short-time plot in the comic book series? Lo and behold, this month’s JONAH HEX has the scarred bounty hunter wanted (at a more respectable $1,000). This time, some pox-infested lunatic has cut up his own face and has started slaughtering women and children, pretending to be Hex so he can ruin the man’s reputation and hopefully get him shot in the process. Hex, of course, doesn’t take kindly to this plan and aims to do something about it . . . .

JENNIFER BLOOD #3: Garth Ennis’ Jen-Jen continues cutting a bloody swathe through the mobsters who did her wrong. We get a few more hints at what they might have done to her and her family, but still nothing concrete. This month’s gangster comes to a very, uh, gutsy end. [INSERT CRYPT KEEPER CACKLE HERE.] My favorite scene: when Jennifer’s neighbor corners her in the bathroom with his pants down, and she fantasizes about what she’d like to do to him. Then, her actual solution had me rolling on the floor, it’s that good. Why aren’t you reading this series? Am I not pimping it hard enough?

THE BOYS #54: Okay, I’ve been silent on this book for long enough. Wee Huey learns more about the secret history of the Boys from the main man himself, Mallory, over several glasses of whiskey. Holy shit, just flip through the pages of this book. There are so many words in here, it’s like Kevin Smith wrote this issue. It’s almost an actual prose story. But it looks like we’re finally going to learn a few interesting things about Butcher in the next issue. Stay tuned for more cool shit, folks.

JOHN McCREA AT C2E2

When you’ve been to as many conventions as I have been to, you get used to seeing a lot of the same faces. You get a good feel for who will be there and who will not. This helps you prepare what you want to bring to get signed.



When I saw online that John McCrea, artist of HITMAN, DICKS, and THE BOYS, among others, was going to be there this year, I couldn’t believe it. I have NEVER heard of him coming to Chicago. Ever. Here was that chance to get some things signed. I had the first appearance of Tommy Monaghan in BLOODLINES that was signed by Garth Ennis at the second convention I ever went to, and here was my chance to get the artist to sign it. I was very, very happy.


I first saw him at the Dynamite panel, as my faithful readers will recall, and I spent a good portion of my Saturday tracking him down for a signing. At first he was going to be at the Hero Initiative booth, which was kind of a bitch to find. When I did, he wasn’t there yet, so I shopped around a bit. He soon showed up, but by the time I got over there, his line was capped off . . . at five people. Why? Everyone wanted sketches from him.


Which is understandable. This is a convention, after all, and he is an artist. I noticed that he was charging for sketches and autographs, but not for himself. It looked like all proceeds were going to the Hero Initiative. I was perfectly willing to pay whatever it took to get some of these books signed, but I was told that his schedule was full for now. He said that he’d be in artists alley for the rest of the day.


Which is weird, because when I went over there later, he wasn’t charging anything, meaning that Hero Initiative had just turned away money.


Anyway, a few hours later, I went to artists alley and hung around until he showed up. It’s a good thing I did, because as soon as he arrived, a line immediately formed. Thanks to my proximity, I was second in line. He then asked who was here for sketches and who was here for book signing. When he got a clear picture, he said that he would honor book signings first, since those always went fast.


I have to say, that was very gentlemanly of him. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stuck in long lines because of people who wanted sketches. And don’t even talk to me about the Tony Moore debacle a few years ago.

I asked him how many books he’d be willing to sign, holding up a stack. He said he’d sign them all if I gave a $5 donation to the Hero Initiative. Holy shit, talk about fair! I handed over the books and the money, and he started signing. When he came upon my copy of TROUBLED SOULS, he asked me where I’d gotten it. I told him that I’d rescued it from the garbage at the library. He said that he didn’t think it had ever been issued in hardcover, which confused him. I told him I thought that maybe the book had been damaged, and the library had sent it to a bindery to get it fixed.


And then the hilarious part began. Has anyone here seen the offensive covers to Avatar’s DICKS series? Then you’ll understand why McCrea suddenly became nervous signing them in front of a mother and her child. At first, he tried covering up the really nasty bits, but after a while, those nasty bits became bigger and bigger and bigger.


The mother turned her kid away. Inwardly, I smiled.

And then McCrea reached the Christmas special. This one depicts the main character bawling his eyes out and praying, and Satan hovers above him, his giant cock just about to touch the protagonist’s head. Above both cock and character, Satan holds some mistletoe.

Yeah, McCrea held this one as close to his chest as he signed it. When he was done, he said that he felt kind of dirty. “Serves me right, though. I drew those covers.”


I thanked him and went on my way. Later, when I got home, I saw that he’d signed across Satan’s cock, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

DYNAMITE PANEL AT C2E2

It was horrible! There were only three panels I was interested in going to this year at C2E2, and they were all happening at the same fucking time! Avatar, Vertigo, and Dynamite were all taking place at around the same time (Avatar 1-2, Vertigo and Dynamite 1:30-2:30). Sophie didn’t have this difficult a choice.



In the end, I decided that Avatar deserved my attention most (as they put out the best books). When this panel was done, I’d see if I could make it into Dynamite (since I covered Vertigo last year). As it turns out, Avatar ended early, and I made it to Dynamite just after they made the introductions. So I didn’t know who was who . . . EXCEPT FOR GARTH ENNIS! Yes, my favorite comics writer was sitting front and center, surrounded by other folks who I didn’t know. (Although I noticed one of them was wearing a Chaos shirt; more on that later.)


They decided to do a Q&A for the whole time. When they first asked for questions, no one rose to the occasion . . . except for me. You see, of all Ennis’ Section Eight characters from HITMAN are dead but for one. Bueno Excellente, who fights evil with the power of perversion (i.e. he rapes the bad guys) is still roaming the DC Universe. I asked Ennis if he ever wanted to do a Bueno spin-off. He told me that he’d love to revisit Section Eight, but for now there are no plans.


Remember last year, when I asked him about the possibility of bringing DICKS back? Great news: DICKS 3 IS IN THE WORKS! To quote a great man, “I have an erection.”

John McCrea, who illustrated DICKS (among others, including HITMAN), was a latecomer, and his fellow panelists seemed to give him shit. It is clear that he is the hard-drinking member of this crew. The way they talked about him made it seem like he was always drunk and he worshiped the devil on a regular basis.


Someone asked a question about Kevin Smith working on THE BIONIC MAN for Dynamite. No one could comment on it, so I’m just going to assume it’s happening. Not that I give a shit. I find THE BIONIC MAN just about as interesting as clipping my nails. Considering Smith’s recent run on THE GREEN HORNET, I would stay away from more licensed stuff. Not that GH was bad, but Smith is capable of doing much more entertaining things.


Speaking of GH, Joe Rybandt, the moderator for the panel, admitted that they saturated the market with GH titles (and how!). They consider it a mistake and don’t plan on doing anything like that again. We’ll see.


Did you know that Dynamite acquired the rights to VOLTRON? Why? Who knows? Who cares? What’s next, SECTAURS? CENTURIONS? Will we ever reach a point where we’re done with the ‘Eighties?


Speaking of licensed crap, ARMY OF DARKNESS is making a comeback. There’s a crossover with Danger Girl coming soon, and then the AoD monthly will return. Which is a shame, considering how awful those books were. Don’t believe me? Remember the time that Ash saved Obama? That’s what I thought.

In other news, one of the audience members asked when we’ll be getting VAMPIRELLA out of her pants and back into her traditional outfit. Rybandt said that they did that because they didn’t want people to think of her as a T&A character, and that the only place we’ll see her in the little red number is on the covers. I hate to break it to you, but VAMPIRELLA is a T&A title. Do you think people read the book for the story? And the fact that she’s still on the covers like that says something, don’t you think?


Dynamite’s big announcement was their acquisition of all the Chaos characters (except for LADY DEATH, obviously). The guy with the Chaos shirt, Jesse Blaze Snider, is apparently the new writer of EVIL ERNIE. They plan to bring a new character back every four to six months.

I am a hardcore EE fan. This is the book that got me back into reading comics, along with HITMAN and PREACHER. I am a one time Fiend of the Month. And I know, some of you are pointing out that EE creator Brian Pulido is my friend, but I’d like to say that our friendship came from my love of Ernie, not the other way around. So I can see why you’d think what I’m about to say is biased, but keep in mind that I became Fiend of the Month that one time because I wrote an 8-page heavy criticism of where EE was going wrong.

These Dynamite fucks didn’t treat Ernie with ANY respect. While Snider went to lengths to prove that he’s a Chaos fan (he says he used to wear his shirt back in his CBGB days, and it makes sense, considering that his father is Dee Snider, who promoted a lot of STRANGELAND stuff with Pulido during the Chaos years), he completely shit all over the old books, saying that there wasn’t a lot of story to them. “They were good for what they were,” he said, but there wasn’t much in the direction of plot.


Bullshit. Fuck you. But I’ll bite. What’s your idea of story?

Well, they recognize that LADY DEATH was the lynchpin of the old Chaos Universe, but since Pulido held on to the rights and is publishing it with Avatar, Dynamite needs someone else to hold everything together. Evil Ernie is that fellow. The idea is to depict the battle between Heaven and Hell on earth (yeah, that’s a new idea). The reason good people die young is because Heaven needs them for their army. To keep up with the competition, Hell has sent Evil Ernie to earth to kill a whole bunch of baddies while they’re young for Hell’s army.

Wait, so Ernie is a glorified hitman for Hell? That’s the best you got? Where does the story come in? Snider's reason to tell this story was to give Ernie a reason to kill all of those people. Did he not read the original books? Ernie had plenty of reason to kill everyone in sight. Maybe at first he did so under Lady Death’s sway, but after a while, it was clear that this was definitely in his heart.

I’m sorry, but this pissed me off. In fact, the whole panel kind of tasted sour to me. They tried to glorify a lot of their books, and it’s just not true. Almost everything they put out is crap. If they hadn’t had the balls to pick up THE BOYS after it had been canceled by Wildstorm, I would have no respect for them.

Ah, THE BOYS. The main reason I wanted to go to the panel. Here’s a bunch of Ennis news for you all:


--Ennis will be doing two war stories for Avatar. If they are as awesome as BATTLEFIELDS has been, this should be mind-blowing.


--Someone asked Ennis if he was done writing about Ireland’s Troubles. He said that they’ve been over for 15 years, and he’d been living in New York for so long that he views the weird aftermath as an outsider. But he doesn’t discount the possibility of him returning to the topic.

--Ennis will be returning to CROSSED when the monthly begins (more on that when I talk about the Avatar panel).


--Ennis will also be returning to Marvel with a NICK FURY Max series.

--JENNIFER BLOOD will be handed off to a new writer with issue seven. Disappointing, but nothing new, considering Ennis’ approach to CROSSED.


--In July, we will get the first issue of THE BOYS mini-series on Butcher, illustrated by Darick Robertson. Ennis says that he is prouder of writing this book than any other.


--THE BOYS movie news: Adam McKay is attached to direct. Rybandt says that he heard McKay being interviewed about this, and it seems like he knows what he’s getting into, that he understands THE BOYS and wasn’t just looking for some "flavor of the month" to get his hands on. Ennis also said that he saw a version of the script that was rated PG-13, which was kind of startling. No worries; he says that McKay will be going for a solid R. Butcher probably won’t get to say “cunt” as much as he might want to, but it sounds like they know what they’re doing.

And that was it. They went around the table to tell everyone where each of them would be and when (for signings), and they shut the panel down. Rybandt said there would be a bunch of free books at the back, so we could grab ‘em on our way out, but most everyone rushed Ennis to get him to sign their stuff.

“THIS IS NOT AN IMPROMPTU SIGNING!” Rybandt yelled, and most people scattered. Ennis tried to be gracious and signed a few things, but it was clear that he had a tight schedule and couldn’t stick around.

I approached Rybandt because I had a question I wasn’t sure would be appropriate for the Q&A: “I noticed that Dynamite doesn’t have a presence on the convention floor. Why is that?”

Rybandt shrugged. “We just don’t do conventions.” A weird attitude to have for the event that is shaping up to be the biggest comic convention in the world, second only to San Diego.

I asked where Ennis was signing (because he didn’t say when it was his turn), and Rybandt said, “I don’t know. Look it up in the book.”


I searched the book and found nothing. I eventually had to go to an information kiosk to find out that it was a VIP signing, and you had to pay nearly $200 for a pass. I’m a huge Ennis fan, but no thanks.


As I was packing up, getting ready to go, Rybandt and Ennis breezed past me with frantic, rushed looks on their faces. Rybandt apologized for the people who wanted Ennis to sign things, and Ennis seemed to take it in stride. But he also thanked Rybandt for being very clear with the fans.


I also picked up a free comic book.  It didn't look like much, and when I got around to reading it, I'm sorry to say that it blew so much I didn't even want to review it.  The title will remain nameless, as I don't even want to think about it right now.


I finished grabbing my shit, intent on getting down to the Hero Initiative (so I could get McCrea to sign a few things), but I had to take a piss. I went straight to the bathroom and picked a stall.


I got a weird feeling and glanced to my side, to the person who was standing next to me. It was Garth Ennis. Distantly, I wondered if now would be a good time to ask for an interview.


But I kept my mouth shut. The red zone is for loading and unloading only. I zipped up and went to the sink. As I washed my hands, I looked into the mirror and saw Ennis standing there, waiting. Talk about fucking surreal.


Is this going to be a tradition for me at C2E2? Last year, I found myself in the very same position with Peter Straub, another writer I deeply respect. Hm. I wonder who it will be next year . . . .


[ON A SIDE NOTE, IT OCCURS TO ME THAT I MADE RYBANDT LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE IN THIS ARTICLE.  WELL, HE IS, BUT THEN AGAIN, SO AM I.  MORE IMPORTANTLY, I AM FAIR, AND IF I LEFT THIS PART OUT, I WOULD BE REMISS.  ON THE WAY OUT OF THE BATHROOM, I RAN INTO HIM.  HE WAS CLEARLY WAITING FOR ENNIS.  RYBANDT TOOK THE TIME TO GRACIOUSLY (AND POLITELY) THANK ME FOR ATTENDING THE DYNAMITE PANEL.]

COOL SHIT 2-17-11

THE BOYS #51: I’m seriously starting to think I have to ban this title from Cool Shit. It’s too consistently good, and I know I’ve got to be boring you by blathering on like a fan boy. I can’t help it, though. Butcher’s a busy guy this issue, getting blackmail information on not one but two of his opponents. In Rayner’s case, it’s kind of sad, even though she completely deserves it. Monkey, on the other hand, continues to be one of the darkest comedy relief characters in the history of comics. The true star of this issue, however, is Ms. Bradley’s simulation. If the Boys ever went head to head against the Seven, only two people would certainly live, and a third is in question. If you think about it, you won’t be surprised by this result. Still, I wonder what circumstance they considered. By the way, a giant bulldog fucking an impotent athlete-cripple-fetishist is ALWAYS funny. Mr. Ennis, you once made the promise that this book would “out-PREACHER PREACHER.” Today, you delivered. Hats off to you, sir.

G.I. JOE/COBRA #13: As I predicted, this is indeed the last issue. Of all the Joe books, this was my favorite. It was a hard, ugly piece of work, but its chill always managed to find the core of my bones. I’ll miss it, but the ending is so perfect that to continue afterward would be nothing less than a betrayal of the story. Remember how on the cover of #12 they said that a major character would die in that issue? #13 rendered the teaser moot, considering how many major characters died in this one. (Shakespeare’s tragedies had more survivors, to give you an idea.) This one ends with a bang. Literally. Not to say that action took the center stage. As always with this title, philosophy underlies every thrown punch, every fired bullet. Every explosion triggered starts with an idea (and maybe a bit of Machiavellian maneuvering).

As a side note, IDW has a kinda-sorta sequel for this series planned. Now that Cobra Commander is dead (from last issue; I wouldn’t put THAT big of a spoiler in Cool Shit), there is a power vacuum, and everyone in Cobra wants to fill it. COBRA CIVIL WAR probably won’t be as awesome, but G.I. JOE/COBRA fills me with faith that it will at least be awe-inspiring.

COOL SHIT 1-20-11

G.I. JOE/COBRA #12: How is it possible that this book can get any better? The argument between Tomax and Xamot finally comes to a head, and Xamot’s madness turns out to be surprisingly clever. Meanwhile, Chuckles is still up to his neck in shit as Cobra trains him to become the perfect double agent. I think the next issue is going to be the last, because a major fuckin’ character dies in this one. Next month, Chuckles and Xamot are supposed to fight to the death. I’m excited, folks. This new era of G.I. JOE books gives me a raging hard-on. Get with the program and start reading this one!

LOCKE AND KEY: KEYS TO THE KINGDOM #4: You’re still not reading this book? What the fuck? Writer Joe Hill says that he’s at the halfway mark in this story, so you don’t have a lot of time left. And this is a really good jumping on point. We get a shitload of answers in this issue. What is “Zack Wells” really up to? Got an answer. How can he/she be stopped? Got an answer. Why have a character like Rufus hanging around in the distant background? Got an answer, and it’s a doozy. If G.I. JOE/COBRA gives me a raging hard-on, this book gives me wet dreams. There are only 15 issues remaining. Again, GET WITH THE PROGRAM!

THE BOYS #50: Like I’m not going to talk about the fiftieth issue of THE BOYS. Please. It seems like it was only yesterday that this book was canceled by Wildstorm. I remember being pissed off at the time, but now that Wildstorm has been shut down, I’m grateful. In this issue, we find out that Butcher was inadvertently responsible for Mallory’s granddaughters being murdered by the supes, and as you can guess, it’s turned into a matter of contention between the two. We also find out how the Boys and the supes come to an uneasy stand-still, and also how the Boys lost their funding in the first place. More importantly, we finally find out why Maeve drinks so much, and considering the answer, no one could ever blame her. Oh, and we finally find out what happened to Lamplighter. All I can say is, I approve. Considering the animosity between Butcher and Mallory, I’m starting to wonder if the former murdered the latter for his own political reasons. The rest of the Boys are unaware, I’m sure, but I think that’s the direction Ennis is going in. Do I even have to ask you to get with the program? This book gives me wet dreams with multiple orgasms.


I wish the publishers of these books would read Cool Shit. I would give anything to have my rave review, “This book gives me wet dreams with multiple orgasms,” on the cover of the next issue . . . .

COOL SHIT 10-7-10

UNKNOWN SOLDIER #24: I have always been a fan of the Unknown Soldier, from his WEIRD WAR TALES origins all the way up to Garth Ennis’ Vertigo mini-series. And I love what I originally thought was a re-imagining, but now I know better: it’s a continuation. Writer Joshua Dysart’s vision was a brand new man behind the Invisible Man bandages, but now he’s brought the original back into the mix. For those who aren’t familiar with the character, we get a recap of all that has come before, and Dysart even drops a bombshell into our laps. It would be criminal to give it away, but anyone who read Ennis’ take on the old soldier can probably figure it out. There have been rumors that DC might torpedo Vertigo. Since the character has such a rich DC past, I don’t think they would get rid of this book, but the subject matter will never be quite as mature as it is now.

LIBERTY ANNUAL 2010: This is the annual anthology from the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund, a cause I hold dear (hell, I’d better; at $4.99, the book is a bit pricey). Sorry to say that most of its contents suck, and some suck really bad, but the gems are worth it. We have a Conan the Barbarian story from Darick Robertson. It’s paint-by-numbers storytelling, but such a grand map never fails to entertain. Conan’s just such a conqueror and destroyer that it’s fun to watch him in action. Sorry guys, but Conan could kick seven shades of shit out of Chuck Norris and the Dos Equiis guy. At the same time. With both hands tied behind his back. One problem: Robertson’s illustration doesn’t make Conan look tough enough. His stoic humor doesn’t come through. To see what I mean, check out Joe R. Lansdale and Timothy Truman’s Conan series, SONGS OF THE DEAD.


My favorite part of this book, though, is the RETURN OF EVAN DORKIN’S MILK AND CHEESE! For anyone unfamiliar with this duo, I shake my finger in shame at you! Did you even live in the ‘Nineties? You fool! For those of you in the know, my friends, you don’t need me to explain these “dairy products gone bad.” For the rest of you—you scum—a sentient carton of milk and wedge of cheese live out their violent whims, wreaking havoc everywhere they go. It is not uncommon for their comic strips to be covered in blood and pithy banter. Here, they slaughter a convention’s worth of costumed nerds, knock a guy’s eyes out, decapitate several people, and kick an unsuspecting baby. But their brand of bloodshed this time comes with a message: that comic book readers must defend their own right to read whatever they want. Because, in the words of Milk, “Poor defenseless little comic book industry! No Superman will fly down and save you! No Wonder Woman will deflect the bullets aimed at you! No Aquaman will do whatever it is that idiot does!”


And then there is a small THE BOYS story from Garth Ennis and Rob Steen. Let me be clear: the art fucking blows, and the story is kind of silly, but it serves its purpose in defending the freedom of comics creators. Finally, we know how The Legend got fired from Victory Comics: with a story about two major female superheroes being driven mad and attacking each other with their breasts. BUBBA DUBBA DUBBA DUBBA! And speaking of THE BOYS . . . .

THE BOYS #47: If any of you have the guts to tell me that Garth Ennis sucks as a writer, fuck you. Fuck you with a seven-foot barbed dildo. After I’ve violated your holiest of orifices (and rubbed salt in the anal fissures), I will point you to this issue of THE BOYS. It’s not all goofy violence and obscenity, folks; the man’s got great emotional chops. This issue is just fucking heart-rending. I’ll be honest, I almost teared up. My eyes got a bit wet, and my vision went blurry. The tear didn’t get shed, because it’s really, really hard to get me to cry, but Ennis has come the closest any writer can get. But then, if you’ve been a fan for as long as I have, this shouldn’t surprise you. PREACHER and HITMAN also brought me close to the brink, and when John Constantine hit rock bottom in Ennis’ run on HELLBLAZER, he almost got me again. My only problem with this issue was that Russ Braun, who is usually a good artist (not great, but good) has somehow made every character except for Annie look like pompous assholes. Butcher and Queen Maeve literally look down their noses in every panel they’re in. I wish Robertson would come back . . . .


WARNING! HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!


I couldn’t let this one go without talking about what twisted my heart so badly. (I don’t usually do spoilers, as I consider my job here to sell these books, so I offer my apologies. You may leave if you wish. Be back next week, though.) You see, Butcher recently tricked Huey into watching footage of his beloved Annie sucking the dicks of several superheroes in order to get into the Seven. He brought it even further by telling Huey that she’d probably been playing him the whole time, that she was a whore, and she was laughing behind his back at him. Maybe Butcher believes it, but one way or the other, it’s a total prick thing to do. It poisons the way Huey feels about Annie, and when he starts to tear up himself, Butcher does something my step-father did to me when I was a kid: he points his finger at Huey and says, “Stop it. You’ll feel a fucksight better if you don’t start cryin’ in front of another bloke.”


Then, Huey confronts Annie in the park in a knockdown, drag-out condemnation. He hurls all sorts of accusations and ugly statements at her, calling her a bitch, a cunt, and a whore, and teary-eyed, he tells her that he never wants to see her again. But you see, we know Annie. She isn’t any of those things. She was just in a bad situation. Huey doesn’t understand because Butcher poisoned his mind. Has this irreparably destroyed one of comicdom’s greatest new romances?


The thing that got to me the most: “The strange thing was, he knew she was right. Without being sure exactly why, he knew he was making the wrong choice. But he dredged up what he needed to keep going. To put one leaden foot in front of the other.”


Powerful stuff.