THE JOHN BRUNI MUSEUM OF MEDIOCRE (AT BEST) SHIT #5: HITMAN #35 REVIEW

[This is the second comic book review I ever wrote. It appeared in the March 9, 1999 issue of the Leader. I kind of got the impression that very few people were reading these things. I would find out later that I was incorrect in thinking this.]

Garth Ennis’s new issue of Hitman is based on a cliché, but he brings a whole new way to view it. Boy grows up in an orphanage, becomes a man, and searches for his roots. Nothing new there, except the boy in question is Tommy Monaghan, otherwise known as Hitman. Yeah, he has super powers including x-ray eyes and being able to read people’s minds, making him the perfect hitman.

For the previous 34 issues the reader has been just as knowledgeable about Tommy’s past, which includes all the lies he has been told. Now in the 35^th installment something new is brought into the picture. Tommy apparently was not found on the steps of St. Killian’s Orphanage in a bag with his name on it. Actually, his mother was staying at the orphanage for awhile and ended up getting killed. Naturally, being Tommy, he decides to find out who committed the crime. Of course, it is not hard to figure out what he wants to do from there.

It is refreshing to see the orphanage cliché used in a more malicious light than usual. It is not often that the orphaned boy turned man searches for his roots with fire in his eyes and a thirst for blood.

There is also some involvement from Tiegel, Tommy’s on again, off again girlfriend who has not been seen in a while, and it is always nice to get back to their relationship. It seems that all they do now is argue, and that is something Ennis is very good at portraying. Those who do not see that have never read about John Constantine and Kit in Hellblazer, another comic series that Ennis has worked on.

A new relationship can also be seen, one that was hinted at in the Christmas issue the year before last: Sean Noonan and Sister Concepta, a bartender and a nun!

Hitman is usually a funny comic, mainly a commentary on how ridiculous superheroes are, but this story, entitled “Kate,” is quite serious. The comic relief is definitely needed.

It should be obvious that if this had taken place in the age of black and white movies, James Cagney could have easily played Tommy. There are even some black and white flashbacks relating to Tommy’s mother’s life, which is kind of an Irish prostitute’s story. The kind of woman that men spit at during the day, then sleep with at night, yet she still comes out on top. Her tact is simple: whenever she gets pregnant she names the child after the father, even when one of them “suggests” that she doesn’t.

Most men who write testosterone-drenched action stories portray women as either the lover on the side, the maiden in distress, or just plain old sex objects. Ennis rarely, if ever, does this. Tommy’s mother Katie does not take crap from anybody, and neither do any other heroines in this, or any other Ennis comic. One would be hard pressed to find a major female character in one of Ennis’s comics who is not tough.

The story is simply unstoppable, especially if you have known Tommy for a long time. As he goes searching for his roots with his sister Frances he will no doubt find his father, who is probably responsible for his mother’s death. You can see it coming, especially since Tommy tells us in the beginning that he just shot his father in the head, but it is always mesmerizing to see Tommy in action.

To tie it all together, Ennis gives us not only a sense of humor and realism, but also great storytelling ability. He has been able to take a cliché and work wonders. For now, we are left with a cliffhanger, but the conclusion of the “Katie” storyline will be on the shelves this month.

C2E2 2013 WRAP-UP

It’s no secret that over the years, I’ve come to favor C2E2 over Wizard World Chicago each and every time.  As a result, I felt betrayed when I was notified that C2E2 would not be granting me a press pass for 2013.  It hurt pretty badly, especially considering how fucking expensive it is to get into this thing for the whole weekend.  But when I thought more about it, I wasn’t quite so pissed.  Last year, I got sick on the first day, so I was only able to use what precious little material I was able to gather on Friday of the 2012 show.  While I think it’s unfair (because I spent the weekend in the ER being pumped full of fluids, anti-nausea medicine, and Dilaudid, which was not fun, rather than hanging out at C2E2 with my friends, meeting people, and going to panels, which is fun), I can see why they turned me down.

So I made it my personal mission this year to gather as much info as I could and write as many articles as I could muster.  Hence the incredibly long list of C2E2 coverage this year.  Seriously.  You just read seven weeks of C2E2 coverage.  If this doesn’t earn me a press pass for 2014, fucking nothing will.

I’m sorry to say that Friday seemed kind of lackluster.  I’d brought my friend, Fitz, along for the ride this year, and it was his first convention ever.  It was cool to watch his reaction to the whole thing, but I could tell even he was a bit disappointed.  He got to meet Laurie Holden, who plays Andrea on THE WALKING DEAD.  He actually brought a photo of her on the set of the MAGNIFICENT SEVEN TV show, which she probably found absolutely ludicrous.  As we walked away, he told me she was the first celebrity he’d ever actually talked to.  He was with me when I met James Cosmo and Natalie Dormer, but Holden was his First.

He handled it pretty well.  I remember when I met my first celebrity, which left me a bit starstruck, but after all of these years, it never strikes me anymore.

Anyway, Fitz was really hoping to meet Ron Perlman (and so was I, a bit), but the line was always too long, or he just wasn’t there.  Fitz felt the same way about the guy who played the Green Power Ranger, but the line was way longer than anyone expected.

Fitz had hung his hopes on meeting a lot of people, but as it turns out, most of them decided to only show up on Saturday.  He even wanted to meet J. Michael Straczynski because of the writer’s involvement with THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS cartoon, but that turned out to be a no-go.  I think Fitz had a good time taking in the experience, but when it came to meeting celebrities, he was let down.  I was, too.  Friday was kind of a bust.

The highlight was introducing Fitz to Jon Lennon.  Here’s the thing:  Jon tried to get a table in Artists Alley, and they turned him down.  Sure, all of the tables were taken, but there was a ton of room for more tables.  They could have fit him and Mat Festa and anyone else who had requested to PAY for a table.  I could see them turning down a press pass for me, but to turn away PAYING ARTISTS?  That was lame.

It was also great to see Leo Perez, Kevin Bandt, Z.M. Thomas, and a few other Artists Alley friends (although surprisingly enough, I didn’t get to see Kurt Dinse until Sunday).  Josh Filer showed up the next day, so it was fun shooting the shit with him.  It was great to find out that he’s been telling people about all the horrendous stories I’ve told him in regards to my life.  The burn victim story, as portrayed in an issue of PRODUCT OF SOCIETY, seems to be a favorite.  I wished I could have gotten drunk with them on Saturday night, but by that point, I’d been fucked up beyond all belief.  I was ready to collapse.  I was still fucked up on Sunday.  Guys:  when Wizard World Chicago comes around, I promise to get drunk with you.  I have more fucked up stories about my life to tell.  Since the StrangeHouse guys will be there, maybe I can get all of you together for an evening of absolute lunacy.

My favorite part of any convention is hanging out with my Artists Alley friends, but this year I only got to stop by a couple of times.  I was too busy getting material for my C2E2 coverage, meeting celebrities, getting interviews, going to panels, etc.  I also had to dedicate some time to picking up a few books for my collection, like the most recent volume of THE GOON.  I was missing a few issues of SAGA, which I promptly bought.  Much to my surprise, Avatar’s new CALIGULA series had begun.  I guess my comic book shop must have missed it, so I got the four issues they’ve released so far (and yes, it’s fucking intense and crazy).

One of my big regrets is not getting a pulp magazine this year.  Every convention, I at least buy one, but not this year.  I couldn’t find a place selling them.  I’m sure there was one somewhere, but I don’t think I would have been able to afford it, anyway.  I spent the last of my money on something far more cooler than a pulp magazine:  a sketch from John McCrea.

Oh, you want to see it?  We’re almost there.  Hang on just a while longer.

I don’t regret the pulp thing too much, though.  My comic book shop now has a section for pulp magazines, and I’ve got a bunch on my pile, so that satisfies at least a part of my collecting OCD.

What surprised me the most was how busy it was on Sunday.  I expected it to be packed on Saturday, so I got there as early as my hangover would allow.  I still wound up parking on the roof, and it was in a handicapped space.  (What?  Don’t look at me like that.  The parking attendant TOLD ME to park there.)  On Sunday, I wound up on the roof again, but all the handicapped spots were taken.  The attendants were making up parking spots, and one of them directed me to such a non-existent space.

But even after a good night’s rest (and no hangover), on Sunday I still felt like collapsing.  I left a bit early, two hours from closing time.  I think I might be getting too old for this shit.

Either that, or I’ve finally gotten too fat for conventions.  Anyone who has seen me at one of these things can attest to how out of breath and sweaty I get, and that’s when I’m in fairly good shape.  This leads me to my next problem.

Will I get my press pass back for C2E2 2014?  I hope so . . . but I’ve decided that if I don’t get it, I’m going to give up.  These things are taking too much of a toll on me.  Besides, I’ve pretty much interviewed everyone I want to interview by this point.  There are two on my list that I want, and I know I’ll never get them:  Garth Ennis and William Christensen.  I’ve tried for the former the few times I’ve seen him, and the latter has apologetically turned me down ever since I first saw him at a con several years ago (being editor-in-chief of Avatar during a con is a pretty busy job, so I understand).

I’ve also had to face facts:  I’m not that great of an interviewer.  I’ve found that I can handle myself pretty well as an interviewee, but when I’m asking questions, I think I’m just mediocre.  I’ve only ever done a handful of great interviews, and they are as follows:  Jon Lennon and Leo Perez at the same time, Josh Filer, Jason Yungbluth, and this year’s John McCrea.  (There was also the interview Leo Perez and I did with Brian Azzarello, which was really good, but it was more Leo than me on that one.)  Those felt more like conversations rather than interviews, and that’s the way it should be.

If C2E2 gives me back my press pass, I will definitely do all the things that would require of me, but if they don’t . . . I guess I’ll just go for one day.  Whichever day has the most panels I want to sit in on will be the winner.  I’ll cover them, of course, because that’s fun, and I’ll review whatever I pick up in Artists Alley . . . although I’m starting to think some of you don’t believe the disclaimers I post for all the books I review that are written and/or illustrated by my Artists Alley friends.  Even they probably don’t believe me on some level, and saying otherwise will convince no one.

I’m pretty sure that Wizard World Chicago will grant me a press pass, and I’ll cover the shit out of it.  It’s just not as exhausting as C2E2 is, which may be what is killing it for me.

Even though Friday was disappointing, the other two days completely made it up for me.  The whole excursion was worth it.  It was great meeting so many new people, so many new creators, and hanging out with old friends that I know I couldn’t pass up another such opportunity.  C2E2 is still as fun as it was the first year, and it shows no signs of diminishing.  If you have the chance to go for 2014, I say do it.  I’ll be there.

I might be, as Robert Browning said near the end of “Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came,” “the last of me, a living frame/for one more picture” by the time you see me, but I will still be there.

And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  I can’t tell you how much this sketch of Tommy and Natt from HITMAN means to me.  It is now one of my most prized possessions.  These characters have long been gone from the DCU, but for just a brief second, whenever I hold this sketch, they’re alive again.  I now present it to you as my final word on C2E2 2013:

C2E2 2013 INTERVIEW: JOHN McCREA

I must have told the story about a thousand times.  When I was in my senior year of high school, my friend, CJ, got me back into comics by lending me three books:  EVIL ERNIE, PREACHER, and HITMAN.  From that moment, my life changed.  John McCrea illustrated HITMAN back in the day, and it was great to meet him.  Some of you will recall when I wrote about meeting him last year, but this year was waaaaaay better.  Not just because I got to hang out with him for quite a while, and not just because he drew one of the awesomest sketches any artist has ever done for me, but because I also got to interview him.  I stopped by on Friday and asked if I could do an interview with him, and he asked me to come back on Sunday, when things were a bit quieter.  (It should also be mentioned that when I stopped by that first time, he was working on a sketch of Tommy Monaghan for a fan.  While he was doing this, his phone rang, and he talked with someone who was either his wife or his child.  The whole time he talked, he didn’t stop working.  He produced this amazing sketch.  It was the finest example of multitasking I’d ever seen.)

I came back on Sunday, and he was working on a sketch of Wolverine for another fan (who was absent at the time).  He asked if I minded whether or not he worked while I interviewed him, and I said I was completely OK with that.  However, after we’d been talking a little bit, he stopped working on the sketch.  It seemed like he was having a lot of fun with the interview, which I consider to be one of my finer moments (if I don’t say so myself; more on that in my C2E2 wrap-up).  Here is what he had to say . . . .

[WARNING:  Here there be HITMAN spoilers.  If you haven’t read the series, you might want to do so before reading this interview.]

JOHN BRUNI:  First of all, HITMAN was one of my all-time favorites—

JOHN McCREA:  Thank you.

JB:  Do you ever miss it?



JM:  Of course.  I think I worked on that book for seven years of my life pretty much solidly.  I did a few other things here and there, but it was seven years of Tommy and Natt, and they all sort of seemed like friends.  When the book ended, it was like—well, you’ve seen the ending.  It’s a real tearjerker.  When I read the script, I had a little tear in my eye.  Just saying bye to Tommy and his friends, it was a relief in one way.  It was a slog, physically producing that much work, but to say goodbye to Tommy and Natt was quite a tearful experience.  I do miss them, but at the same time, it was the right end.  They had to go.  Garth [Ennis] and I were adamant that [UNCLEAR, BUT HE SAYS SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF “THEY HAD TO DIE], otherwise it would ruin the whole thing anyway.  People ask us if there’s a chance with the New 52 of bringing them back.  No.

JB:  It was one of the greatest endings in comics ever.

JM:  Part of it’s the fact that it’s finite.  You have the whole story, and it’s not just rolling on and on forever.  They lived by the gun, they had to die by the gun.  It was the right ending.  It improves the story, I think.

JB:  Very Butch and Sundance.

JM:  Oh God yes.  I think Garth wrote that in the script.  It was Natt who said it, wasn’t it?

JB:  Yeah.  Why do you think the book didn’t hit it off with a wider audience?



JM:  Garth and I always intended for it to be finished around about . . . originally we hoped for seventy issues.  There were a few other stories we wanted to tell, one of them being the JLA/HITMAN story, which we eventually did.  DC told us at a certain point that the sales are okay.  Probably pretty good by today’s standards, but for the time they were okay.  They were going to cancel it.  We had a choice between finishing it at 60 and finishing it properly the way we wanted to, chopping out the non-essential stories, or we might make it [to 70] or we might not.  We didn’t want to risk that, so we just finished it.

JB:  That sounds like the smart way to go.

JM:  Well, DC were honest and decent about it.  They let us know, so . . . it could have been a disaster.  It has a good, solid fan base, it just wasn’t big enough to continue the series.

JB:  There is still one character from the book lurking around the DCU somewhere.  Will there ever be a Bueno Excellente one-shot?  [Come on, you all knew I was going to ask it.]

JM:  We’re all hoping for that.  He was one of the most deranged human beings I ever got to draw.  Him, and possibly Six-Pac is still around.  I think a mini-series would be a pretty sweet thing.  An untold story, four issues.  If only people had realized how wonderful a superhero team [Section Eight] were, like the JLA.  We could have had action figures.  A little wind-up guy, or maybe a Dog Welder with detachable dogs.  What I would do for that!

JB:  You and Garth Ennis do a lot of work together.  How did you guys meet up?



JM:  We went to school together.  We’re from Belfast, and he was in my brother’s year at school.  He knew I was into comics, and after I finished school, one of the first things I did was run a comics shop.  I started one of the only comics shops in Belfast, and Garth used to come in and buy his comics.  One day, he just said we should do a book, and that turned into TROUBLED SOULS about the Troubles in Northern Ireland.  It was very successful, and that was that.

JB:  TROUBLED SOULS also has Dougie and Ivor from DICKS.

JM:  That’s true.  That is true.  They were incidental characters in TROUBLED SOULS.  We kinda-sorta made fun of them.  Garth in particular is not enamored of TROUBLED SOULS, so he kind of wanted to piss all over it.  He used Dougie and Ivor as a way to do that.  We’re working on a new book in the series now.  Garth’s written it all, finished it about two years ago, and I’ve been slowly grinding my way through it.  I’m on issue four at the moment.  Two more to go.

JB:  Some of the covers are pretty crazy.  Is there anything you wouldn’t put on the cover of DICKS?

JM:  I haven’t run into it yet.  There might be.  There are a few things, but I don’t want to even answer for fear of getting arrested.  So far, not yet.

JB:  Garth Ennis has a reputation for going a bit too far, like with CROSSED.  Would you ever want to work on the book?

JM:  I read one issue of CROSSED, and that was just about enough for me.  It was too much for me.  When I read a comic, I like to enjoy myself, not be harrowed to the marrow.  It was too harrowing for me.

JB:  Have you ever thought to yourself that you might be going too far with DICKS?

JM:  Oh God no.  Never.  When I first started doing these books, William [Christensen, editor-in-chief of Avatar Press] kept saying, “No, no, no, you haven’t got the idea.  Not enough.  Not enough.  You’ve got to make it worse.”  Now, I think I’m at the level I think he’s happy with.

JB:  If you had to be Dougie or Ivor, which one would it be?

JM:  My God, what a choice!  Uh . . . probably Ivor.  He’s just happy in his own self-absorbed moronic way.  Dougie’s just miserable because he’s relatively intelligent and can see the terrible travesty which is his life.  So yeah, I think it’d be Ivor.

JB:  Can you talk about what’s in store for us with DICKS 3?

JM:  Satan and the Dong are both back.  They’ve teamed up, and they’re trying to destroy the world.  It’s up to Dougie and Ivor to travel through time, collecting the icons of bigotry that the Dong are using to destroy the world.  They have to go back in time to gather these objects in order to stop the Dong.  Much hilarity ensues.  At one point, Dougie and Ivor get to meet Garth and myself.  They end up in our studio . . . by, uh, complete coincidence, and even more hilarity ensues.

JB:  So they get to meet their gods?

JM:  Exactly!  Not just meet them, they do quite a lot more.

JB:  That sounds very cool.  What else do you have coming up besides the new DICKS?

JM:  I’m working on MARS ATTACKS for IDW.  I’ve finished the ten issues, which was supposed to be continuing, but they decided to can it and do mini-series instead.  I’ll be doing MARS ATTACKS/JUDGE DREDD, a four issue mini-series which is written by Al Ewing, who writes JENNIFER BLOOD as well.  It’s fantastic.  It should be out in the not-to-distant future.  I’m working on something called PROGENITOR, which is written by Phil Hester for David Lloyd’s new online comic called ACES WEEKLY.  So, I’m busy.

JB:  Speaking of IDW, they have a lot of franchises from the ‘Eighties.  Is there any one of those that you’d like to work on?



JM:  I wouldn’t mind doing the Turtles.  I like the Turtles.  I’m not really a TRANSFORMERS guy.

JB:  What about G.I. JOE?

JM:  When I was breaking into comics, I did two stories for ACTION FORCE, which is the British name for G.I. Joe.  I did a Snake-Eyes five-pager, and I did a Storm Shadow five-pager.  I enjoyed those.  I like the ninja guys.  I would love to do Snake-Eyes.

JB:  Thank you very much for your time.

JM:  It’s been a pleasure.  Cheers.

At about that point, he realized that he’d forgotten about his previous sketch, which he put the final touches on before starting the sketch for me.  I requested Tommy Monaghan and Natt from HITMAN sitting at Noonan’s bar, just having a drink, and the request seemed to surprise McCrea, but he was happy to do it.  I hung out with him, just talking while he drew.  I told him about how even my mother enjoyed reading HITMAN almost as much as I did.  We talked about other things Mom liked to read, which comprised of a lot of Garth Ennis’s work.  It was one of the few things that brought me and her together, especially near the end of her life.

While we hung out, talking about this and that (he mentioned that he was persona non grata over at DC, except for the short he did for GHOSTS), I can’t tell you how many fans came up and saw what he was doing for me.  Each and every single one of them said, “That is the coolest sketch ever.”  One of them said, “I wish I’d thought of that.”  I talked with a lot of fellow fans while McCrea worked, and I discovered that I’m not alone in thinking that some of the best parts of HITMAN were the quiet moments at the bar, when Tommy and Natt were just shooting the shit, maybe talking about THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY.  Why?  Well, it’s because that’s what I do with my friends.  I hang out in bars and just talk the night away.  I felt a real connection with Tommy and the boys in those moments.

I was going to run a scan of the sketch he did at the end of this piece, but I think I’ll save it for my wrap-up.  It is seriously that good.  Stay tuned!

C2E2 2013: THE WILDSTORM PRESENTS CHRONICLES #1: MEETING AMANDA CONNER

I’ll be honest, I’ve not come across much of Amanda Conner’s work.  The extent that I’m familiar with is her work on BEFORE WATCHMEN:  SILK SPECTRE and a small bit that she did for WILDSTORM PRESENTS.  The main reason I wanted to meet her was because I was trying to get as many BEFORE WATCHMEN people as I could.

Her line was one of the longer ones I waited in at this convention, and by the time I got to meet her, I could see why.  She’s done some pretty good work with Supergirl and a few other superhero titles.  Not my thing, but I can definitely recognize amazing artwork.

She was incredibly nice and engaging.  She was glad to see my issues of SILK SPECTRE, and as she signed these, I broke out one of my big guns:  a collection called WILDSTORM PRESENTS.  I’d initially bought it because I saw Brian Azzarello’s name on it, but when I found out who else was in it, I was impressed.  Georges Jeanty, Paul Jenkins, Ed Brubaker, Judd Winick, Doug Mahnke, Richard Corben, Jill Thompson, and shocker of all shockers, Patton fuckin’ Oswalt.

Since many of them were going to be at the convention, I thought I’d get as many signatures as I could.

When I set it down in front of Conner, she looked puzzled.  “I’m not in here.”  I reassured her she was, indeed, in there, and pointed out which story.  Then, recognition blazed on her face.  “Oh yeah, I remember this!  I’ve never seen it, though.  Very cool.”  And she signed it for me.

Much to my surprise, this scenario would recur several more times during the convention.

She marveled at it for a while, flipping through the pages, excited to see her some of her work that she hadn’t seen since she put the finishing touches on it and sending it to Wildstorm.  She asked me how long I’d had it, and I said a couple of years.  She said she was wondering if it had just been printed.

I moved on then, because she was sitting next to Jimmy Palmiotti, and I hoped to get him to sign a few things.  Then, as I waited at the back of the incredibly short line, unpacking my things for Palmiotti, I noticed something.  I’d brought TRANSMETROPOLITAN:  I HATE IT HERE because I’d been working on getting all the artists in there to sign it.  I was hoping to get Palmiotti and Tony Harris to join the ranks of Rodney Ramos, John McCrea, Warren Ellis, Eduardo Risso, Tim Bradstreet, Dave Johnson, David Mack, and Cliff Chiang in signing this thing.

In that moment I realized that AMANDA CONNER IS IN THIS BOOK, TOO.  Fuck.  I turned around and saw that Conner’s line was just as long as it had been when I’d first gotten into it.  I just resigned myself to getting back in it when I’d finished up with Palmiotti.

Suffering through that line a second time was a drag, but fuck me for being so stupid.  When I got up to her table again, she laughed, surprised to see me again.  I apologized for being a fool and presented her with her page from the book.  Chuckling, she signed it and said, “Why am I always drawing people on the toilet?”

Why, indeed?

JOHN McCREA AT C2E2

When you’ve been to as many conventions as I have been to, you get used to seeing a lot of the same faces. You get a good feel for who will be there and who will not. This helps you prepare what you want to bring to get signed.



When I saw online that John McCrea, artist of HITMAN, DICKS, and THE BOYS, among others, was going to be there this year, I couldn’t believe it. I have NEVER heard of him coming to Chicago. Ever. Here was that chance to get some things signed. I had the first appearance of Tommy Monaghan in BLOODLINES that was signed by Garth Ennis at the second convention I ever went to, and here was my chance to get the artist to sign it. I was very, very happy.


I first saw him at the Dynamite panel, as my faithful readers will recall, and I spent a good portion of my Saturday tracking him down for a signing. At first he was going to be at the Hero Initiative booth, which was kind of a bitch to find. When I did, he wasn’t there yet, so I shopped around a bit. He soon showed up, but by the time I got over there, his line was capped off . . . at five people. Why? Everyone wanted sketches from him.


Which is understandable. This is a convention, after all, and he is an artist. I noticed that he was charging for sketches and autographs, but not for himself. It looked like all proceeds were going to the Hero Initiative. I was perfectly willing to pay whatever it took to get some of these books signed, but I was told that his schedule was full for now. He said that he’d be in artists alley for the rest of the day.


Which is weird, because when I went over there later, he wasn’t charging anything, meaning that Hero Initiative had just turned away money.


Anyway, a few hours later, I went to artists alley and hung around until he showed up. It’s a good thing I did, because as soon as he arrived, a line immediately formed. Thanks to my proximity, I was second in line. He then asked who was here for sketches and who was here for book signing. When he got a clear picture, he said that he would honor book signings first, since those always went fast.


I have to say, that was very gentlemanly of him. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stuck in long lines because of people who wanted sketches. And don’t even talk to me about the Tony Moore debacle a few years ago.

I asked him how many books he’d be willing to sign, holding up a stack. He said he’d sign them all if I gave a $5 donation to the Hero Initiative. Holy shit, talk about fair! I handed over the books and the money, and he started signing. When he came upon my copy of TROUBLED SOULS, he asked me where I’d gotten it. I told him that I’d rescued it from the garbage at the library. He said that he didn’t think it had ever been issued in hardcover, which confused him. I told him I thought that maybe the book had been damaged, and the library had sent it to a bindery to get it fixed.


And then the hilarious part began. Has anyone here seen the offensive covers to Avatar’s DICKS series? Then you’ll understand why McCrea suddenly became nervous signing them in front of a mother and her child. At first, he tried covering up the really nasty bits, but after a while, those nasty bits became bigger and bigger and bigger.


The mother turned her kid away. Inwardly, I smiled.

And then McCrea reached the Christmas special. This one depicts the main character bawling his eyes out and praying, and Satan hovers above him, his giant cock just about to touch the protagonist’s head. Above both cock and character, Satan holds some mistletoe.

Yeah, McCrea held this one as close to his chest as he signed it. When he was done, he said that he felt kind of dirty. “Serves me right, though. I drew those covers.”


I thanked him and went on my way. Later, when I got home, I saw that he’d signed across Satan’s cock, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

DYNAMITE PANEL AT C2E2

It was horrible! There were only three panels I was interested in going to this year at C2E2, and they were all happening at the same fucking time! Avatar, Vertigo, and Dynamite were all taking place at around the same time (Avatar 1-2, Vertigo and Dynamite 1:30-2:30). Sophie didn’t have this difficult a choice.



In the end, I decided that Avatar deserved my attention most (as they put out the best books). When this panel was done, I’d see if I could make it into Dynamite (since I covered Vertigo last year). As it turns out, Avatar ended early, and I made it to Dynamite just after they made the introductions. So I didn’t know who was who . . . EXCEPT FOR GARTH ENNIS! Yes, my favorite comics writer was sitting front and center, surrounded by other folks who I didn’t know. (Although I noticed one of them was wearing a Chaos shirt; more on that later.)


They decided to do a Q&A for the whole time. When they first asked for questions, no one rose to the occasion . . . except for me. You see, of all Ennis’ Section Eight characters from HITMAN are dead but for one. Bueno Excellente, who fights evil with the power of perversion (i.e. he rapes the bad guys) is still roaming the DC Universe. I asked Ennis if he ever wanted to do a Bueno spin-off. He told me that he’d love to revisit Section Eight, but for now there are no plans.


Remember last year, when I asked him about the possibility of bringing DICKS back? Great news: DICKS 3 IS IN THE WORKS! To quote a great man, “I have an erection.”

John McCrea, who illustrated DICKS (among others, including HITMAN), was a latecomer, and his fellow panelists seemed to give him shit. It is clear that he is the hard-drinking member of this crew. The way they talked about him made it seem like he was always drunk and he worshiped the devil on a regular basis.


Someone asked a question about Kevin Smith working on THE BIONIC MAN for Dynamite. No one could comment on it, so I’m just going to assume it’s happening. Not that I give a shit. I find THE BIONIC MAN just about as interesting as clipping my nails. Considering Smith’s recent run on THE GREEN HORNET, I would stay away from more licensed stuff. Not that GH was bad, but Smith is capable of doing much more entertaining things.


Speaking of GH, Joe Rybandt, the moderator for the panel, admitted that they saturated the market with GH titles (and how!). They consider it a mistake and don’t plan on doing anything like that again. We’ll see.


Did you know that Dynamite acquired the rights to VOLTRON? Why? Who knows? Who cares? What’s next, SECTAURS? CENTURIONS? Will we ever reach a point where we’re done with the ‘Eighties?


Speaking of licensed crap, ARMY OF DARKNESS is making a comeback. There’s a crossover with Danger Girl coming soon, and then the AoD monthly will return. Which is a shame, considering how awful those books were. Don’t believe me? Remember the time that Ash saved Obama? That’s what I thought.

In other news, one of the audience members asked when we’ll be getting VAMPIRELLA out of her pants and back into her traditional outfit. Rybandt said that they did that because they didn’t want people to think of her as a T&A character, and that the only place we’ll see her in the little red number is on the covers. I hate to break it to you, but VAMPIRELLA is a T&A title. Do you think people read the book for the story? And the fact that she’s still on the covers like that says something, don’t you think?


Dynamite’s big announcement was their acquisition of all the Chaos characters (except for LADY DEATH, obviously). The guy with the Chaos shirt, Jesse Blaze Snider, is apparently the new writer of EVIL ERNIE. They plan to bring a new character back every four to six months.

I am a hardcore EE fan. This is the book that got me back into reading comics, along with HITMAN and PREACHER. I am a one time Fiend of the Month. And I know, some of you are pointing out that EE creator Brian Pulido is my friend, but I’d like to say that our friendship came from my love of Ernie, not the other way around. So I can see why you’d think what I’m about to say is biased, but keep in mind that I became Fiend of the Month that one time because I wrote an 8-page heavy criticism of where EE was going wrong.

These Dynamite fucks didn’t treat Ernie with ANY respect. While Snider went to lengths to prove that he’s a Chaos fan (he says he used to wear his shirt back in his CBGB days, and it makes sense, considering that his father is Dee Snider, who promoted a lot of STRANGELAND stuff with Pulido during the Chaos years), he completely shit all over the old books, saying that there wasn’t a lot of story to them. “They were good for what they were,” he said, but there wasn’t much in the direction of plot.


Bullshit. Fuck you. But I’ll bite. What’s your idea of story?

Well, they recognize that LADY DEATH was the lynchpin of the old Chaos Universe, but since Pulido held on to the rights and is publishing it with Avatar, Dynamite needs someone else to hold everything together. Evil Ernie is that fellow. The idea is to depict the battle between Heaven and Hell on earth (yeah, that’s a new idea). The reason good people die young is because Heaven needs them for their army. To keep up with the competition, Hell has sent Evil Ernie to earth to kill a whole bunch of baddies while they’re young for Hell’s army.

Wait, so Ernie is a glorified hitman for Hell? That’s the best you got? Where does the story come in? Snider's reason to tell this story was to give Ernie a reason to kill all of those people. Did he not read the original books? Ernie had plenty of reason to kill everyone in sight. Maybe at first he did so under Lady Death’s sway, but after a while, it was clear that this was definitely in his heart.

I’m sorry, but this pissed me off. In fact, the whole panel kind of tasted sour to me. They tried to glorify a lot of their books, and it’s just not true. Almost everything they put out is crap. If they hadn’t had the balls to pick up THE BOYS after it had been canceled by Wildstorm, I would have no respect for them.

Ah, THE BOYS. The main reason I wanted to go to the panel. Here’s a bunch of Ennis news for you all:


--Ennis will be doing two war stories for Avatar. If they are as awesome as BATTLEFIELDS has been, this should be mind-blowing.


--Someone asked Ennis if he was done writing about Ireland’s Troubles. He said that they’ve been over for 15 years, and he’d been living in New York for so long that he views the weird aftermath as an outsider. But he doesn’t discount the possibility of him returning to the topic.

--Ennis will be returning to CROSSED when the monthly begins (more on that when I talk about the Avatar panel).


--Ennis will also be returning to Marvel with a NICK FURY Max series.

--JENNIFER BLOOD will be handed off to a new writer with issue seven. Disappointing, but nothing new, considering Ennis’ approach to CROSSED.


--In July, we will get the first issue of THE BOYS mini-series on Butcher, illustrated by Darick Robertson. Ennis says that he is prouder of writing this book than any other.


--THE BOYS movie news: Adam McKay is attached to direct. Rybandt says that he heard McKay being interviewed about this, and it seems like he knows what he’s getting into, that he understands THE BOYS and wasn’t just looking for some "flavor of the month" to get his hands on. Ennis also said that he saw a version of the script that was rated PG-13, which was kind of startling. No worries; he says that McKay will be going for a solid R. Butcher probably won’t get to say “cunt” as much as he might want to, but it sounds like they know what they’re doing.

And that was it. They went around the table to tell everyone where each of them would be and when (for signings), and they shut the panel down. Rybandt said there would be a bunch of free books at the back, so we could grab ‘em on our way out, but most everyone rushed Ennis to get him to sign their stuff.

“THIS IS NOT AN IMPROMPTU SIGNING!” Rybandt yelled, and most people scattered. Ennis tried to be gracious and signed a few things, but it was clear that he had a tight schedule and couldn’t stick around.

I approached Rybandt because I had a question I wasn’t sure would be appropriate for the Q&A: “I noticed that Dynamite doesn’t have a presence on the convention floor. Why is that?”

Rybandt shrugged. “We just don’t do conventions.” A weird attitude to have for the event that is shaping up to be the biggest comic convention in the world, second only to San Diego.

I asked where Ennis was signing (because he didn’t say when it was his turn), and Rybandt said, “I don’t know. Look it up in the book.”


I searched the book and found nothing. I eventually had to go to an information kiosk to find out that it was a VIP signing, and you had to pay nearly $200 for a pass. I’m a huge Ennis fan, but no thanks.


As I was packing up, getting ready to go, Rybandt and Ennis breezed past me with frantic, rushed looks on their faces. Rybandt apologized for the people who wanted Ennis to sign things, and Ennis seemed to take it in stride. But he also thanked Rybandt for being very clear with the fans.


I also picked up a free comic book.  It didn't look like much, and when I got around to reading it, I'm sorry to say that it blew so much I didn't even want to review it.  The title will remain nameless, as I don't even want to think about it right now.


I finished grabbing my shit, intent on getting down to the Hero Initiative (so I could get McCrea to sign a few things), but I had to take a piss. I went straight to the bathroom and picked a stall.


I got a weird feeling and glanced to my side, to the person who was standing next to me. It was Garth Ennis. Distantly, I wondered if now would be a good time to ask for an interview.


But I kept my mouth shut. The red zone is for loading and unloading only. I zipped up and went to the sink. As I washed my hands, I looked into the mirror and saw Ennis standing there, waiting. Talk about fucking surreal.


Is this going to be a tradition for me at C2E2? Last year, I found myself in the very same position with Peter Straub, another writer I deeply respect. Hm. I wonder who it will be next year . . . .


[ON A SIDE NOTE, IT OCCURS TO ME THAT I MADE RYBANDT LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE IN THIS ARTICLE.  WELL, HE IS, BUT THEN AGAIN, SO AM I.  MORE IMPORTANTLY, I AM FAIR, AND IF I LEFT THIS PART OUT, I WOULD BE REMISS.  ON THE WAY OUT OF THE BATHROOM, I RAN INTO HIM.  HE WAS CLEARLY WAITING FOR ENNIS.  RYBANDT TOOK THE TIME TO GRACIOUSLY (AND POLITELY) THANK ME FOR ATTENDING THE DYNAMITE PANEL.]