As many of you are aware, I’m very reluctant to adopt new technology. It has a tendency to clutter up my already over-cluttered life. As a result, I spent most of my adult life without internet at home, and I use a prepaid cell phone that I bought when smartphones were just getting big. Also, as many of you are aware, I gave in and got the internet at home. I no longer have to depend on work or the library for my online needs.
Over the course of the years, I’ve heard many stories about how the internet is an awesome porn mecca, where you can find every fetish imaginable, and most of it is free. There simply isn’t enough time to jerk off to all the porn at your fingertips. Naturally, being an aficionado of hardcore sex scenes, I decided to have a look-see (a thought encouraged by the top-of-the-line anti-virus program that came with the laptop I bought). Armed with tissues and lotion, I sat down with my boxers around my ankles and prepared to enter a world whose trails have all been blazed by many enterprising masturbators before me.
Sad to say, it wasn’t as exciting as I thought it would be. I looked at a lot of awful shit, and afterward, I fell back on my porn classics to rub one out. But I’ve discovered a lot about humanity. Oh yes. Many of it, I’d heard about but never seen. Was I shocked? Not particularly. Just weirded out, that’s all. (I did find some good stuff, though, as you’ll see.)
But I didn’t do this merely for personal gain of knowledge (or even self-administered orgasms). No, I traveled to the edge of acceptable taste (and maybe a bit beyond), and I have come back to report to you what I learned. It is as follows, in no particular order:
--Vaginas are a lot more elastic than I’d thought. I saw a guy shoving his forearm all the way up a woman, and she didn’t seem bothered by the lack of lube. Bottles, baseballs, all sorts of shit fits in there. Shockingly enough, when all of that stuff gets pulled out, we aren’t left with a pink sock hanging down from between the legs of women. Also, I found a few women who were willing and able to give themselves the D-Dolla' Holla'. (For those unfamiliar with this move, check it out: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=d-dolla%27+holla%27)
--Assholes are pretty elastic, too. I wish I could take back the guy shoving a soda can up his ass. It did not look comfortable. Oh yeah, and one awful word: goatse.
--Dickholes are—shudder!—elastic, too. Holy fucking fuckity-fuck, I saw a guy shove a screwdriver into his dickhole, and it wasn’t the sharp end. No, HE PUT THE FUCKING HANDLE UP THERE! And when he pulled it out, he didn’t seem bothered by the TRICKLE OF FUCKING BLOOD COMING OUT OF THAT MOST INTIMATE OF PLACES!
--If genital mutilation is your thing, there are plenty of pictures of that. Chopped off clits and ball-less scrotums, it’s all there for you to stare at. Even severed cocks. Not sure if that’s legal. It probably is, depending on the intent of the website.
--There is one thing I discovered that I really, really liked: self nude portraits in the mirror, taken by camera phones. There is something really intimate about that, and it gives me a rod like nothing else. Well, almost anything else. More on that in a moment.
--There is a surprising amount of men out there who can suck their own dicks. Like, a lot. More than you think. Some of them just have really big cocks, others are really flexible. Most of these videos can be found on gay porn sites, as it’s not a very hetero thing to do. Very few people like to cum in their own mouths. There are a few more who will cum on their faces. Most unbend from themselves before letting loose.
--Most trannies seem to be able to do the selfsuck thing. I saw one who seemed really disgusted by accidentally cumming in her own mouth.
--Just about every celebrity has been photographed naked. Like, 98% of them. I like these pictures. I like the women not because of any sexual thing, but because I appreciate the nude female body as a work of art. And I don’t mind seeing the dudes naked, either, mostly because I want to know how I measure up. I got Dennis Hopper beaten by far. Michael Fassbender? Not so much. Oh yeah, and there’s celebrity porn. Now that I’ve seen Kim Kardashian fuck, I can safely say there’s nothing redeeming about her at all, and Paris Hilton couldn’t suck a dick to save her life. There are a lot of celebrity fakes, but I don't count them. Fuckin' cheaters.
--In related news, HOLY SHIT! SCARLETT JOHANSSON’S TITS LOOK GREAT!
--*ahem* Anyway, there seems to be a lot of incest porn out there. Most of it’s fake, just something to get people with mommy/daddy issues all hot and excited. Some of it might not be. I’m looking at you, Russia. (It should be noted that all participants are of age.) In Russia, the old ladies are just ugly enough, and the guys have dicks just small enough, and both participants look just similar enough, that this could be actual incest porn.
--Are you familiar with sleeping porn? That’s when guys feel up sleeping (and/or drunk) chicks and stick their dicks down their throats. It’s all staged, but still, that’s a weird fetish to have.
--There are a lot of public masturbators. Guys riding the bus and jerking off, usually with a woman in the background who can’t see what’s going on. Guys jerking off while driving. Guys running naked around forest preserves. Guys masturbating into urinals and public toilets. Creepy stuff. But there’s something even creepier than that . . . .
--This is super-creepy: guys who jerk off in crowds. But they do it so stealthily, no one notices. Some of these guys will just whip it out and gently touch it to some stranger’s ass. No one notices, because they just think it’s that accidental jostling that happens in crowds. This usually leads to cumming on this stranger’s ass.
--Girls with glasses porn. I’ll admit, I liked this one. Glasses turn me on, as do fishnet stockings. Holy fuck, if I ever find a porn with a bespectacled woman wearing fishnets, I think I’m going to wear my dick out.
--Amputee porn? Yeah, I’ve heard of it. Never saw it before, though. The same goes for rape porn. It’s not real rape, it’s all staged, but still, that was the first time I ever saw that. Boy, was my face red!
--Exercise porn. An attractive, muscle bound couple work out for a while, and then they fuck on the exercise equipment. Not really my thing. I didn’t watch much of this.
--There’s a lot of fake porn, too. Weird stuff, like guys with two dicks, or guys with dicks down to their ankles.
--Then there's this guy who has a cock so long and thick it should be considered a deformity. He loves his cock so much, he takes pictures of it all the time. And he even takes requests for poses. A lot of women (and quite a few men), compliment him on this and publicly fantasize about what they would do with him. Personally, I would have The Fear if this cock was within a mile radius of me. No shit, this thing could be classified as a weapon. I wouldn't be surprised if he wound up killing someone with it someday. Probably not one of the women with elastic vaginas, though. They'll be OK.
--One last thing: I think I might be in love with Katie Morgan. She has the most amazing porn voice I’ve ever heard, and she’s really good at her job. To top it all off, she’s got a podcast on Kevin Smith’s SModcast, which proves she’s not just a pretty face.
I think that’s about it. Did I forget anything? What turns you on? What disgusts you? Let me know in the comments below.
One final note: I’m not judging anyone with this post. Whatever’s your thing is your thing. As long as the participants are willing and of age, I don’t give a shit what you watch to get your rocks off. But I also like to know stuff, so feel free to be as open and frank as you want to be. Let’s have some fun with this.