Thursday, November 2, 2017

THE JOHN BRUNI MUSEUM OF MEDIOCRE (AT BEST) SHIT #17: REVIEW OF EVIL ERNIE WAR OF THE DEAD #1






[I still hadn’t learned my lesson. Here I go, back to the books I enjoy, and fuck everything else. I’m shocked that no one called me on it. I’m not talking about readers. Very few readers read my comic book reviews. I’m talking about editors who had no choice but to read them. From the Elmhurst College Leader, Oct. 25, 1999.]


Just in time for Halloween, Evil Ernie has returned with War of the Dead, which is a part of the Armageddon lineup for Chaos! Comics. This is quite refreshing, considering the other components of this immense crossover event. Lady Death and Purgatori series are quite dull compared to the megadeth—the eradication of all the living—that Ernie brings in his wake.


As with the past issues, the artwork is okay and nothing more than that. David Brewer, the artist, needs to stop imitating Spawn and try being himself. The gory scenes are excellent, but that can’t be everything, can it? Ever since Steven Hughes left the comic, Ernie hasn’t been looking too good. There are some good moments, but mostly, it’s just downright bad.


As usual, the shining gem is Brian Pulido’s excellent writing. The comic starts out with one of the most questionable characters in comic book history committing very questionable acts. As seen at the end of the monthly series, Sarah, the scientist who was working on the virus that would eliminate the Dead Onez, was blown up in a helicopter explosion after she perfected the virus. Now Leonard Price, who is supposed to be the good guy (despite his propensity to ruthlessly kill innocents that get in his way of maintaining peace), has Sarah on an operating table. At least, he has part of her. He succeeded at reanimating her, but she is in mind-shattering pain. Not surprising, considering her lack of limbs and a face. Covered in blood, Price, glaring down at her with his relentless gaze, tells her that he will let her die when he gets the formula for the virus. It’s times like this when you really have to wonder, who is more evil? Ernie, the supernatural monster who strives to kill everyone living? Or Leonard Price, the man who will stop at nothing, no matter how evil, to destroy Ernie?


Now Price has teamed up with the Dead King to stop Ernie. The Dead King also has Smiley, Ernie’s former best friend. They split up because Smiley thought Ernie had abandoned megadeth to save Ernest Fairchild, Ernie’s good half.


They will have to use everything they’ve got because Ernie’s certainly got the upper hand. Little did the living know when the dead crashed through the Mississippi Wall (the wall erected to keep the dead away from the living) that Ernie was ambushing them, distracting them for his true purpose. Now Ernie’s gotten into NORAD. The last panel of the comic shows Ernie holding his hands up in victory, grinning, standing in front of a screen that reads, “NUCLEAR LAUNCH CONTROL.” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time since Destroyer, Evil Ernie has gotten control of the NUKES! Last time, Chastity, the vampire who used to love Ernie, pushed the abort button. Now there’s no one in his path.


The dead are finally killing all the living. Price has gone so far off the deep end that he could seriously be called a villain. Smiley and Ernie have separated. Ernie’s got the nukes, and he’s not afraid to push the button. This is Night of the Living Dead, Zombie, and The Dead Pit multiplied by ten thousand. Some supernatural creatures might survive it all, but humanity looks screwed. For the first time in Chaos! history, it really looks like it’s going to come to an end. Hurry up and read War of the Dead before it’s too late.

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