When I was a kid I could never fall asleep. I mean, I slept, but it usually was because my body, exhausted from lack of sleep, would shut itself down. I would go to bed and stare up at the dark ceiling and have my racing thoughts that would not let me close my eyes and actually sleep. I would think about things like, where does the universe end? It can't be limitless. Nothing is limitless, right? And what was here before the universe? There had to be a before. Was the sky purple? Or red? Or yellow? And what was it like before that?
I found, in my adult life, that there are three things that can make me sleep. All of them have prices, though. The first one I discovered was alcohol. The price? A possible hangover the next day. It didn't always happen, but it sometimes did. I figured it was worth the sleep I got because sometimes I didn't even remember actually going to sleep. When I did? The moment my head hit the pillow, I was gone.
The second was Unisom. For those who don't know, it's a sleeping pill. But one just doesn't work. At the very least I need four, and it helps if I have alcohol with it. It puts me out well, but the price is dry mouth. That doesn't sound like much, but I'm telling you that it's painful and irritating and it sometimes panics me because I can't swallow. That's why, when I use this method, I have a bottle of water on my night table.
The third is more recent. When the State of Illinois legalized cannabis for recreational purposes, I discovered that if I had an edible at eight, I'd be asleep by eleven or so. The price for that is the possibility of dry mouth, but even worse, when I'm high I discovered something. I never believed in the munchies until I started getting high on a regular basis. The munchies are very much real, and I'll eat three or four dinners because of it. I'll wake up the next morning with dry mouth and feeling overstuffed to the point where the thought of eating breakfast might make me puke.
So I've tried everything else to sleep. None of it works. I did find a package recently that claimed that I could get an excellent night of sleep because of it. So I bought it and put it to the test.
It sucked and didn't work. Allow me to elucidate.
Here are the components. A red light bulb because it's supposed to render all other light in the room unseen, thus helping you sleep. A gummy that is not cannabis but is supposed to help you sleep. A mask for your eyes specially built so it puts no pressure on them and blocks any and all light from getting through. And a spray of something that is supposed to help induce sleep.
The red light bulb is kinda cool. I like the shade it brings to my room, but it did nothing to calm my senses. The gummy tasted like shit and did absolutely nothing for me. The mask is too small. I have a giant fucking head that I got from my dad, which is the biggest reason I don't wear hats. None of them fit me, and neither did this mask. And the spray? Useless. I don't object to the concept because whenever I was in the hospital (they no longer do this) I got a lavender button to put on my gown near my face, and it actually did help me sleep. The spray did nothing of the sort for me.
It irritated me because when I realized none of this shit was working, it was too late to take an edible. I had to be up at a certain time, and if I took it at that point, I would feel like shit when I woke up. And I didn't have alcohol on hand, either.
Fuck. I guess I'm sticking to cannabis for the foreseeable future. That's fine. I just have to find a way to stick to one dinner a night. Or two. But that's it.
BONUS SLEEP METHOD: So during WWII, US high command noticed something horrible. Pilots are supposed to be made of the Right Stuff, right? The problem was, sometimes pilots couldn't get enough sleep. They'd drift off and suddenly be needed to shoot or bomb something. When they were sleep deprived, their bombs were waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off. So the US government found itself wondering if there was a way to get pilots to fall asleep faster and have a more rewarding sleep experience. They actually found a method that seemed to work. It didn't work for me, but maybe it will help someone else.
When you go to bed, close your eyes and imagine each of your body parts. Imagine them relaxing until they each fall asleep. Start from your feet and work your way up to your head. By that point, in theory, you should be asleep within minutes. Like I said, it worked for the WWII pilots but not for me. If you're an insomniac, give it a try. Hopefully it works for you.
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