HOW TO #SAVECONSTANTINE (IF YOU'RE REALLY INTERESTED)

Many of you are aware that I was not thrilled with the aspect of a show based on the exploits of John Constantine. I am a long-time fan of HELLBLAZER, and I knew that they could never faithfully adapt him to TV. I still kept an open mind, but I did not expect much. I figured they'd give us the New 52 version of him.

Surprise of surprises, NBC gave us the middle ground between HELLBLAZER and the New 52, and even better, as the series moved along, it inched closer and closer into HELLBLAZER territory that I suddenly found myself loving the show. It can only get better from here on out. Matt Ryan is the perfect Constantine, and I've come to like the Americanized Chas, even if he does have special abilities. (I take that as an in-joke, because Chas is the only series-long friend Constantine has managed to keep alive.)

The sad fact of the matter is, CONSTANTINE is very likely to be canceled soon after the season finale next week. It's not because the show isn't good. It is. It's just that not enough people are watching to merit the high costs of production. If the budget remains where it is, there is no way the series can continue.

So I have an idea on how to save the show, or to at least give it a second season and thus another chance for survival. It's pretty simple, too. GIVE US THE GARTH ENNIS VERSION OF JOHN CONSTANTINE.

Take a look at the show now. It's heavy on special effects and high stakes end-of-the-world kind of material. It's good. It reflects the general feel of HELLBLAZER. However, that's the kind of thing that costs a lot of money. Scale it back. Make it more personal. As the show stands now, it's a monster-of-the-week kind of thing with just a little emphasis on character. Ennis's run on the comic book showed us the inside of Constantine's heart. It showed us his personal life with some monsters thrown in. There would be very little need for special effects if we were given the Ennis perspective on the show, yet it would ratchet up our love (and sometimes, repulsion) of Constantine. Not only that, but it would serve as a great way to introduce Constantine's greatest villain (aside from himself) to the show. The First of the Fallen has been mentioned in passing, so I'm sure he'll rear his head eventually, but what better way to introduce him than by adapting "Dangerous Habits?"

This would drastically lower the cost of production, which makes it a more attractive show for NBC to continue with. It might even increase the ratings, although the only sure-fire way to make that happen is to move it off of Fridays entirely. If we can make this happen, I'm sure CONSTANTINE would prove itself as a reliable show.

Here's to hoping. And thanks for listening.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #135: TOO MUCH TV

Once upon a time, when I was in junior high, one of my fellow students was taking a poll for class. It was about the TV habits of preteens, and she asked me what shows I watched on a regular basis. I told her I don't really watch TV. All I watched in those days were reruns of THE TWILIGHT ZONE (and cartoons, of course, but those were usually on VHS and didn't count). Truth be told, I thought everything on TV was complete garbage, so I didn't watch it.


Fast forward more than twenty years, and I'm watching TV every night, at least for one hour. Don't get me wrong, I still think there's a lot of garbage on TV. I think Sturgeon's Law might be a bit too generous for what's being broadcast these days, but I do have my shows. Now, with so many shows taking a break for the holidays, I don't watch TV EVERY night, but when I was a kid, I would have never thought I'd have ended up like this.


Mondays are for GOTHAM. Tuesdays for Marvel's AGENTS OF SHIELD. Wednesdays are for AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAKSHOW. Thursdays are for WHITE COLLAR. Fridays are for CONSTANTINE. Saturdays are for HELL ON WHEELS. Sundays are for THE WALKING DEAD, THE TALKING DEAD and COMIC BOOK MEN. Repeat.


It's a marvel I get anything done. What happened? What changed me?


I actually don't think I'VE changed. I've always eagerly consumed excellent content, be it from books or movies. I think TV changed. The quality is better (which doesn't say much, but still). When they upped their game, I took interest, that's all.


But I am glad that great TV isn't in the majority. If every show was good, I would probably have dedicate a lot more time to watching TV, and I shudder to think of that as a good thing.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #98: MY THOUGHTS ON THE CONSTANTINE TV SHOW

OK, I'll admit it. I went into the show thinking I was going to hate it. There was a part of me that hoped for the best, but I knew it wasn't going to happen. I knew that I'd get the New 52 version of John Constantine, which I loathe, for the most part.


But something interesting happened. CONSTANTINE, the TV show, wound up in the middle ground between HELLBLAZER and the New 52. I did not expect that, and I was pleasantly surprised.


Before we go any further, I want to state that I despise the idea of John Constantine, exorcist. He's not, all right? While he's had practice booting demons out of people, he's not an exorcist by trade. And I also dislike the idea that he doesn't smoke. Ordinarily, I wouldn't care about something like that, but the comic book version of him DOES smoke, and it's not a superficial ain't-I-cool kind of thing. It actually fits into the story, in particular the Dangerous Habits storyline.


But there were two moments in the pilot episode that sold me on the TV show. The first was when Constantine spiritually blackmails a character into doing his bidding. When you look at HELLBLAZER, very little of it is magic. It's almost always a con job. Constantine does have magical abilities, but 80% of his character is made up of conning other people into doing shit he wants done. That one moment is absolutely Constantine-ish enough for me.


And then there's the other side. Constantine isn't just a mystical character armed with wisecracks and a penchant for being in the wrong place at the right time. He's also a dude who likes to hang out, have a few drinks, get some laughs out of his mates. The very end of the episode shows him in a bar with his friend Chas, getting boozed up and bullshitting about something your friends would bullshit about. That's the part that the New 52 always forgets about.


But . . . goddammit. HELLBLAZER is a story of British horror. I'm glad they kept Constantine rooted in the UK (and they actually got an actor who looks like the character this time), but I hate that this show happens in America. I'm not sure that this could be fixed for a modern audience, though. As soon as Constantine took on the lead role in HELLBLAZER (he was always a supporting character in SWAMP THING before), Jamie Delano, the first writer of the series, definitely put a particular stamp on the character. I don't think you can have a Constantine who wasn't a young man during the Maggie Thatcher period of England. It had such an overpowering effect on the character and the storyline that a modern audience can't connect with the original John Constantine anymore. My John Constantine was a period character. He'd be in his sixties now, to give you a good idea. Of course, Nergal's blood has kept his appearance much younger than you'd expect, but still.


The TV show is good. Not great, but good. What would make it better? Chas being a hard man and British. He doesn't need to be involved with magic like he is on the show. It would be nice if his wife was introduced, considering her hatred of Constantine and the situations that could get the two characters into. What else? Well, I love that Astra is a major character point on the show, but it would be great if the people who died during that incident were haunting Constantine, like in the comics. Also, if those who died in SWAMP THING were haunting him like in the comics? That would be amazing.


It's too early to say, but my fellow comics fans know Constantine as a guy who will sacrifice his friends for the greater good. Maybe we could have some of that taking place on the TV show?


CONSTANTINE earns extra points for the Dr. Fate reference. I desperately hope that will come into play later on the show. Anyone who read the original BOOKS OF MAGIC by Neil Gaiman will appreciate this. Currently, the New 52 is trying to pull some kind of stunt with Dr. Fate. It's actually not bad, but it could be better. Waaaaay fuckin' better.


I've got high hopes for the TV show. I'll definitely be back next week, and probably every week after. I didn't expect that.

COOL SHIT (and SHIT SHIT) 7-25-13

JUDGE DREDD #9:  The world of Dredd is pretty crazy sometimes, but this is the craziest to come from the new IDW series.  Dredd wanders out into the Cursed Earth, looking for a hovercraft that “could save Mega-City One.”  Instead, he finds a family of mutie hillbillies running an amusement park with some of the most ghastly rides ever.  My favorite is the Kamikaze Matterhorn.  One of these guys has the ability to touch someone and make them apathetic, which is what he does to Dredd, and now Dredd has to face off against all these freaks and even worse, the Mirrored Madhouse.  (And no, it’s not what you think it is.  It’s far more insidious.)

FERALS #16:  This time out, we take a break from Dale Chesnutt to explore the life of Major General Richard W. Arthur.  It’s a fascinating look at someone who was born Feral, but he never knew it.  Even now, he seems to be in denial.  Even after he finds himself in a life and death battle with another Feral.  And to top it all off, he’s kind of an important guy in the government . . . .

CROSSED:  BADLANDS #33:  It’s good to see David Lapham back on the series.  I wasn’t too impressed with Christos Gage’s story.  Now, we return to Amanda, Lorre’s old victim/survivor.  She’s still living in her fantasy world with her two companions, but now that’s about to be fucked.  It would seem that a group of religious Crossed have moved in on her territory . . . .  I miss Raulo Caceres on this book, though.  Miguel Ruiz isn’t bad, but Caceres is a fucking genius.

RED TEAM #4:  Whoops.  It seems that for all the planning that the Red Team goes through, they dropped the ball on this one.  Thinking to take out a Bernie Madoff type (except this guy was found not guilty), they off him without thinking that maybe the reason the guy got off in court was because he’d made a deal with the prosecution to turn weasel on his friends.  Now all of those guys are going to walk free.  Like I said, whoops.  This leads to a few changes in policy, but it’s not enough to keep certain members of the team for losing it in a questionable bar bathroom with a date rapist . . . .

And now for some SHIT SHIT!  That’s right, 3 books really disgusted me this week.  Let’s start with . . . .

JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK #22:  Ah yes.  Behold that cover.  Then take a look around inside to see that our boy John Constantine is hanging out with the big superheroes this issue.  Sure, he had a run in with Flash lately, but now he’s rubbing elbows with the likes of Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman.  And yes, he’s a bit snarky, but for the most part, he doesn’t give them any crap.  Since when does Constantine not give the capes a hard time?!  Oh right.  I’m sorry, I keep thinking this is MY Constantine, not the pisswarm version in the New 52.  This leads us directly to . . . .

CONSTANTINE #5:  JLD continues right into this issue with Constantine hanging out with Shazam.  Why would he do that?  Well, remember when I said, back when DC brought John Constantine back to the DCU, that they were going to turn him into a superhero?  I was speaking metaphorically.  I guess I was wrong.  In this issue, they turn him—quite literally—into a superhero.  I can’t believe it, either, but look at that picture above.  Do you think I made that up?  I can’t tell you how much this disgusts me.  And then there’s this happy horseshit:

ALL STAR WESTERN #22:  Yep, this asshole is Dr. Arkham’s great-great-grandson.  As much as I despised the idea of bringing Hex to his future—our present—at the very least, it got him away from having a sidekick.  That was worth a lot to me.  And now, even that is undone.  Yeah, this new Dr. Arkham is Hex’s new sidekick.  Oh, and by the way, it looks like they’ve given up on finding a backup story for each issue, but instead of taking pages out and letting us keep an extra dollar, they thought this story was so good that we needed more of it.  Fuck.  (One more thing:  it’s hinted that Hex will be hanging out with Batman in the next issue.  After what’s been going on with Constantine, that shouldn’t surprise me one bit.)