GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #957: COMICS ROUNDUP

 Not even half a year ago I wrote about Diamond, a monopolistic comics distributor until Covid, and how they might have been a good monopoly. In case you don't pay attention to the comics industry, they recently declared bankruptcy. I suspected something might be wrong near the end of December when my comics guys weren't getting any shipments at all, or half-shipments, or they got massively shorted. It was no big surprise when the news hit the streets. As a result I did not get comics today. None were delivered. They might get them tomorrow. I'll check. But it seems like it's been a while since I did a comics roundup. Let's see what I've been reading . . .

BATTLE ACTION VOL 3: Ever since Ennis has been planning on moving back to Ireland, he's been getting involved in UK comics pretty deeply again, and he's making some odd choices (I'm looking at you, Hawk the Slayer), but Battle Action is not odd for him. I think his war stories are his personal passion. A lot of his other stuff goes off the rails, but his war stories are powerful, contained, and he colors in the lines on these. I'm not a fan of Johnny Red, and Ennis is doing that as a serial story for these new issues. But so far it's going pretty well.

THE BLOOD BROTHERS' MOTHER: Azzarello and Risso continue their vicious western. A lot of it looks like it might have been painted instead of illustrated. Risso is doing some of his best work here. Azzarello knows his westerns. I miss LOVELESS. That was a good one. This one's not as good, but I like it nonetheless.

THE CREEPING BELOW: A young woman hangs out with a Scandinavian black metal band in the woods and is murdered by them. She doesn't stay dead, naturally, so she's out for revenge. Azzarello doesn't do horror often, but this is great. It's no Moonshine, but it's pretty good.

GI JOE: Now that the four miniseries are over, the new GI Joe is starting to walk more than crawl. I prefer the original series that I read when I was a kid, but this is solid work. I like that they're really leaning into the madness of Cobra-La. I'm interested to see where it goes.

GI JOE: A REAL AMERICAN HERO: One of the books I read as a kid, continued after having a ton of time off. 'Nuff said.

THE GOON: I'm still a little surprised that this one is back. Eric Powell ended it pretty nicely a few years ago, but I'm glad the Goon and Frankie have returned. So has the Priest. How can you go wrong with a book that, on occasion, has one of their characters stabbing people's eyes out screaming, "Knife to the eye!"

HELLO DARKNESS: A horror anthology series. Some of the stories are good, some are bad. But every issue has a story from Garth Ennis at the back. It's the continuing tale of what happens when the world experiences a nuclear winter. A group of friends make a go of surviving it, but we're down to the last two by now. In the latest installment one of the guys who tried to storm their cabin and died is actually still alive, and he has a conversation with one of them to pass the time while he waits to die. Very interesting stuff.

JIMMY'S LITTLE BASTARDS: Aftershock might be bankrupt, themselves, but Previews still swears the final installment of Garth Ennis's story will be released. It's a shame they keep bumping it. First it was supposed to be out in November, then January, now August. We'll see what really happens.

JUPITER'S LEGACY: FINALE: This book is finally coming to an end. Too bad the Netflix show didn't work out. It was decent. In the finale, the heroes and villains are learning who and what are behind their superpowers, and what those beings have planned for humanity. Hint: It's not pretty.

LIFE: I love the fuck out of Life. Azzarello is doing some of his best work with this one. It's double-sided, like the old Ace double paperbacks. One side is PROS, for the professional criminals. The other side is CONS, for the convicts the criminals will have to face. The pros have arrived on an abandoned prison planet because there's supposed to be vast riches kept there. Except it's not abandoned, and the cons are willing to fight to the death against these attackers. Great fun.

THE MAGIC ORDER: This is probably my least favorite of the Millarworld books, so I probably won't miss it when this final story arc is over. But they're getting very weird with the finale, and I'm kinda digging it. Look at that cover!

NIGHT CLUB 2: This is a fun book, too. The idea is, a group of teenagers are turned into vampires, so they decide to use their powers to fight crime while they wear luchador masks. In the second series, one of them has fallen for the hot girl at school, and because he's now a star jock himself, he gets in with the popular kids. Unfortunately, he trusts the girl too much and turns her into a vampire. She turns the others into vampires, too, and they've decided to use their powers for evil, starting with killing Night Club . . . I still think Millar is probably upset because someone already took Bite Club.

SAGA: If you're into comics, and you're not reading this book, what the fuck is wrong with you?

THAT TEXAS BLOOD: It's on hiatus for now, but since the Enfield Gang Massacre is over, I'm hoping it will return soon.

TORPEDO 1972: It's weird to see Risso working without Azzarello on this one. It's about an old mob scumbag and his partner still out in the world, shooting and beating the shit out of people. He's an asshole, but he's kinda funny.

TRANSFORMERS: When Kirkman bought Transformers and GI Joe, I thought that was an odd decision for him. I'm glad he did, because he's putting out the best Transformers stories since IDW ended the Autobot/Decepticon war. IDW should have stopped making them then, but for some ungodly reason they continued and drove the property into the ground. It's good to see these characters in a new story. A good story. Although I'll have to get used to Megatron being a bad guy again. I really loved it when he put the Autobot symbol on his chest and tried to become a better person. The struggles he had when evil kept knocking at his door were phenomenal.

UNDERHEIST: This is a horror heist book. It's actually done, but it slipped past me and my comics guys. I just need to get the last two issues. It's a Lapham book, so it's very good. If you've never read Stray Bullets, give it a shot. It's the best comics crime being written by someone not named Azzarello or Brubaker.

VOID RIVALS: I did not expect to like this book. It started the Energon Universe, so I felt obligated to read it. It's surprisingly good. So far we've seen Transformers in this world and some of Cobra-La from GI Joe. It's pretty cool.

And that's it. What are you all reading?

PS:

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #835: THE BEST COMIC BOOK OF THE WEEK IS . . .

 . . . all of my books. They were great, each and every one of them. And I am so happy to have something other than my misery to talk about, I'm going to do an old school cool-shit type GF tonight. If you weren't with me back in the day, every Thursday I would post a Cool Shit talking about my favorite comics of the week. There are spoilers, as this is not a review series. It's just me talking about cool shit. So let's start!

JAMES BOND 007 #4: Shockingly enough the least excited I was for a book this week was for a Garth Ennis book. That is very much unlike me. I like in this book that Bond mentions that M is not the M that's always been with us, but that people fill in the role. He's distrustful of the current M. He currently trusts only Moneypenny because he's known her the longest. He's just returned from space and will soon be working with Felix again in the very near future.

TRANSFORMERS #7: Starscream is one of my favorite Transformers. He's a weasel. He will do anything to be in charge of the Decepticons, and curiously he actually is their leader in this new series. Megatron has yet to show his face in this series, although he's depicted in another as out of working order. How did he get that way? Did Starscream have something to do with it? I'm sure we'll find out. But Soundwave just challenged Starscream's leadership. Starscream is at his best when he's using words as weapons, but Soundwave much prefers to use weapons as weapons, and he's not above cheating. It reminded me a little of how Roland the Gunslinger bested Cort in the Dark Tower series. While it seems Image is not afraid to kill some Transformers, I wouldn't count Starscream out yet. I'm sure he'll be back.

COBRA COMMANDER #4: Cobra Commander is a lot like Starscream, and not just because the two characters were voiced by the same actor back in the 'Eighties. I'm glad that Nemesis Enforcer is around and beating the mortal shit out of the Dreadnoks, but the best part of this issue was Cobra Commander's sudden realization that he wasn't the main character of his own book. Like Starscream, he's got tricks up his sleeve. In a fair fight there is no way he'd be able to defeat NE. Luckily he's very adept at cheating. I think the next issue is the last. Too bad. I'm very much enjoying this one.

QUICK STOPS VOL 2 #4: I never thought I'd need to hear an origin story for Mooby, but goddam! I'm very happy this exists. In the final part of the story Kevin Smith ratchets up the action to a ridiculous level. I never thought I'd see Jay beat the daylights out of an elderly naked Satanist lady wearing a Mooby golden calf mask, but that's the world I currently live in. (I didn't expect Silent Bob to snap a selfie with her after, either. He's a man of few words, and his actions speak volumes.) It's good to see that the Quick Stop has a plaque commemorating Dante Hicks, but in pure Randal fashion, it's at the coffee station with a sign declaring Dante *was* supposed to be here today. This is probably the last issue, but I'm hoping for a volume 3.

HELLBLAZER: DEAD IN AMERICA #4: I don't talk about it often, but I'm fully on board with this new incarnation of Hellblazer. It feels like the Vertigo Hellblazer of old. It's more in tune with Jamie Delano's version of Constantine rather than Ennis's. There's even a nod to the original series in this issue. John is still a walking dead man, but it seems he's finally got Swamp Thing on the same page with him. It was good to see ol' Con-job pulling a scam on people, and to have it not work out for him? It was kind of funny. What I very much liked was how the people he was scamming, who had covered up the rape and murder of a teenage girl by the high school football team, got their comeuppance when they all were cursed to relive her final moments for hours in one night. It's not often that John does something good. Usually it's an accident while doing something very self-centered, but this was good work.

I feel a lot better for having written this one. It reminded me what fun was like, and fun has been running very low around here. This will be the last GF for a while, now that I'm at 835, which was my goal. Hopefully my life will stop sucking so much soon, and I can get back to having fun. Living with overwhelming stress 24/7--and I mean 24/7, I can't even escape from it in my dreams--is not helpful and needs to stop ASAP.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #580: MY COMICS HABIT

 My comics habit used to be out of control. I could easily spend thirty bucks a week on it, and that was an average week. Rarely did I spend less, and a few times I spent as much as sixty. I had to keep track of them all to make sure I didn't miss an issue, and I had a paper with titles on the front and back. Over the years I've gotten it down to one side of the page and very few titles at that.

I'm actually kinda surprised by how few comics I read now especially since I stopped with The Transformers books, and GI Joe just ended. Here is a list of the books I'm reading now.

AMERICAN JESUS

THE GOON (which is on hiatus more often than not)

JIMMY'S LITTLE BASTARDS

JUPITER'S LEGACY: REQUIEM (which is also on hiatus, but this is on purpose)

THE MAGIC ORDER (which only has one issue left)

MASKERADE (which only has one issue left)

QUICK STOPS

SAGA (another on hiatus by purpose, but it will be back in January)

STILLWATER

SPACE BASTARDS (which has been on what seems like a permanent hiatus but the creators swear will be back)

THAT TEXAS BLOOD

And that's it. No wonder it's becoming more and more common for me to have a week without The Best Comic Book of the Week. Remember when I used to do Cool Shit? I had to stop because it was eating up so much of my time, and that was why I started doing TBCBOTW. Now I don't think I could write it on a weekly basis because, well, what would I have to write about?

Technically Injection should probably be on the list, but even if Warren Ellis came back to writing it, I don't think I'd read it. Considering, you know. It's a shame. It was a good book, but I can't support that kind of behavior.

If you want to get real technical, Doktor Sleepless and Anna Mercury are both on the list, but there is no way in hell either one of those would ever come out, anyway. Whatever happened to Avatar Press? I'd heard some rumblings from several people, but I've been sworn to secrecy on some of that. I don't know if what I heard would be the reasons for them disappearing. Too bad. They used to be my favorite small comics press.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #406: COOL SHIT

 Remember ages ago when I used to post a Cool Shit column every Thursday talking about all the awesome comic books I read the day before? I miss doing those, but they took up a lot of my time. I'm not going to do those ever again. That's what The Best Comic Book of the Week is for.

But every once in a while I get an itch, and I gotta scratch it.

As with those Cool Shit columns, there are spoilers. Tread lightly.

Yesterday I named Marjorie Finnegan, Temporal Criminal #5 as The Best Comic Book of the Week. I'm glad that Garth Ennis still has the ability to offend me, because this issue is deeply offensive, especially the abortion scene. I am definitely pro-abortion, but this took it a bit too far. The villain of this book is the most evil dude in history, and I can't help but think of him as Jesse Custer's evil twin brother. He even kind of looks like Jesse. I'm not sure if that was intentional. Probably not. But this guy was born a genius. He had coherent thought in the womb, and much to his surprise, there is a fetal twin. But the twin is just a regular person. Not a great conversationalist in the womb. When the mother tries to get an abortion, it surprises this dude and he manages to put his twin brother in front of him in order to save his own life.

So yeah. That's pretty fucked up. And there are other fucked up things in this book, which earned the title I mentioned earlier.

But the other books I read last night were really fucking good.

Stillwater # 10 had some seriously fucked up things in it. If you don't know, the idea of Stillwater is that it's a small shitsplat of a town where people who are born there live forever, and they don't age. Unless they leave. If they die in the outside world, then they're dead. If they age and come back, they will stop aging upon their return. So naturally there are a lot of kids in town who are middle-aged, and one of them murders someone in an adult body, which was pretty surprising.

And That Texas Blood keeps getting darker and crazier. I'm glad to see that the private investigator was heavily influenced by Kolchak. It makes a lot of sense, all things considered. I'm glad I'm finally caught up. The back matter is great, too. It feels natural, unlike what Alan Moore usually does. Moore is cumbersome with his extras. Condon's work is easy on the eyes, and straight to the point.

And then there is GI Joe #286. That's the one from the 'Eighties that Larry Hama took up writing again a few years ago. This issue answers a great question: how did Snake Eyes meet Storm Shadow? And I love the answer, especially when the unthinkable happens: SNAKE EYES TALKS. OK, he doesn't say much, and it's not as profound as something Silent Bob might say, but still. It genuinely surprised me.

So yeah. While a lot of weeks are dry, this one was pretty fruitful with great comic books.

PS: I saw someone bring up Matt Damon in the letters column for Stillwater, which made me laugh my ass off. It was something I first thought of when I saw the trailer for the movie, and I'm glad I wasn't the only one who noticed.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #132: I READ TOO MANY COMICS

Sometimes, I miss writing my weekly Cool Shit. But then again, sometimes I'm glad I don't. Near the end, I found myself writing about the same books over and over again. I hate to say this, but there's a saturation in the market right now. There are too many comic books. Quality is rapidly decreasing. I'm glad that comic books have finally reached the point where they're widely received as literature, but the unfortunate thing is that this saturation has led to a cheapening of the medium. It happens. Usually, it's a genre that gets fucked up by this. For now, it's the entire comics industry.


I'm reading too many comics. A shocking amount of them come from habit purchases. Books I've always gotten but have not been as good as they used to be. I took a look at my pull list, and I realized that I could save a lot of money by cutting a few titles.


This, for me, is akin to pulling teeth. I'm a completist. Once I get into buying a book, I don't like to stop. Chances are, the tide will turn against a bad storyline. But . . . I'm getting older. My collection is getting too big. I have to start cutting titles. It hurts, but it has to happen.


I think my major problem is with media tie-ins, so I'm going to cut almost all of them. Here is a list of what I'm going to be dropping from my weekly purchases starting in January.


ANGEL AND FAITH. Let's make one thing clear: when Dark Horse started publishing the next "season" of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, I didn't care. But when IDW pushed ANGEL on us, I ate it up. It was a great storyline, and when it translated over to Dark Horse in ANGEL AND FAITH, it was still good. This new "season" hasn't been all that great. I lasted nine issues. Time to kick it to the curb.


ASYLUM: I love John Carpenter, and I'm glad he's doing an original comic book, but quality has dropped. Besides, it's a HELLBLAZER rip-off. I tried it for eight issues. Time to bid it farewell.


BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA: I loved the movie, of course. The book started strong. It's just getting too silly. Buh-bye.


ARMY OF DARKNESS: I should have ditched this one a long time ago. It took me a long time to realize that, well, I know this is blasphemy, but . . . the movie wasn't THAT great. It was fun, but it doesn't justify the time or money I've dedicated to this comic series which has gone up against Freddy and Jason, has saved Obama, has gotten hitched and is now in space. So long, fucker.


FUTURE'S END: I started reading this because of Brian Azzarello's involvement, and at first it was fun. Now, it's dealing in storylines I just don't give a fuck about. I stopped caring about the Batman bullshit, even. The only thing that still kinda-sorta interests me is the interaction with Superman and John Constantine. It's just not enough. Cut.


GOD IS DEAD: I used to love this book from Avatar, but it's lost itself in this odd self-butthole-sucking path that I just can't get into. It should have been a mini-series ending with Jonathan Hickman's involvement. Gotta' lose it.


HINTERKIND: Every time I start losing interest in the series, it redeems itself. I can't continue this dance. It's too much for my wallet. Besides, it's been a while since I cared about it. I won't miss it monthly.


JUDGE DREDD: This one hurts. I'm a big Dredd fan, but the American series has proven itself as a different entity from the UK version. It's obviously not canon, and I can't live with it in that fashion.


SANDMAN: OVERTURE: I've given this one a lot of thought, because I really loved the shit out of the original Gaiman series. My problem with this one is that it's 100% style over content. I'm getting nothing out of it. It's a beautiful book, but that doesn't justify my continuing interest. Sorry. And goodbye.


And then there's Dynamite's attempt at rebooting the Chaos Universe. So far, the only title I liked was CHASTITY, which I think is over now. The others? I want to continue, because I'm a completist (in case I didn't mention it before). However . . . it's shit. There were some good moments in the CHAOS main title, but it's just not enough. There's no heart in anything they do. I'm cutting all titles, even EVIL ERNIE. It's hard to say that, but it's got to happen. I can't afford for this to continue.


Here's a list of titles that are on the brink of getting cut: JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK (which has gotten too silly for my likes, even though it involves Constantine's story arcs, and I'm not ready to give up on CONSTANTINE yet), TEN GRAND (which I'm almost certain is nearly over, anyway), TRANSFORMERS VS. GI JOE (which has got to be the worst version of this team-up ever) and DARK GODS (which is a toss-up, as we speak, but it's only one issue in).


FABLES and FAIREST have both lost their appeal to me, but they'll be over in a couple of months. I've already decided that ANGRY BIRDS/TRANSFORMERS is so terrible that I cannot continue with it. I'm pretty sure that GRAVEL and SERENITY have both been quietly canceled. So what does this leave for me?


Here is the most current list of the comics I read and won't be cutting: AMERICAN VAMPIRE (which is the best vampire book on the market, comics, books and movies), CONSTANTINE (which is just barely good enough and sometimes conjures up the good ol' days of HELLBLAZER, even though he's on Earth 2 right now), CROSSED: BADLANDS (which is still fucking awesome), CROSSED +100 (even though I'm not a big fan, I'm willing to wait out Alan Moore's story), THE DARK TOWER: THE DRAWING OF THE THREE (I love what they're doing with this, even though not all of it is detailed in the books), DJANGO AND ZORRO (who the fuck would cut a book by Quentin Tarantino from their pull list?), EX-CON (which has combined horror and crime perfectly), THE FADE OUT (which promises to be the greatest crime comic book ever written), FBP (which features science adventure unlike any book ever written, even in Heinlein's time), Larry Hama's G.I. JOE (which is a continuation of the book I enjoyed as a child, so I would never give it up), G.I. JOE (which has recovered from the brief period of fuckery it lived through a few months ago), GOD HATES ASTRONAUTS (which is so batshit crazy it should never be dropped from anyone's pull list), JUPITER'S LEGACY (I would never drop a Mark Millar book, especially one that only has an issue left), THE KITCHEN (I think this book could be cool, but we're only one issue in so far), MPH (see my previous Millar answer), NIGHT BREED (which has succeeded beyond my wildest expectations), PUNKS (which is one of the most original books I've read in a while), SAGA (which is one of the greatest comic books ever written), SEX CRIMINALS (you know why I wouldn't give this one up), SUPREME BLUE ROSE (which is bending the way I think about comic books), TRANSFORMERS (both the prime title, previously known as ROBOTS IN DISGUISE, and MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE, because they are even better than the old Marvel books back in the day, and DRIFT because, well, it's on par with the other two), TREES (which has been pushing the boundaries of SF), THE TWILIGHT ZONE (which has beaten the odds and has been producing incredibly original stories), VELVET (which is the perfect spy story), WAR STORIES (I would sooner cut my own dick off before cutting a Garth Ennis title from my pull list, especially one as violent and beautiful as this one), WYTCHES (which is an incredibly complex horror story) and THE WALKING DEAD (do I even have to list my reason?).


That's still an impressive list. I don't think my comic book dealer will go out of business because of my cuts. Please note the shocking lack of superhero books on that list. Not all comics have to be about people who wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes. Thank you for your attention.

COOL SHIT 4-17-14

AMERICAN VAMPIRE: SECOND CYCLE #2: Wow. Back for two issues, and already things have just gone off the fucking rails. First of all, it’s great to see Cal again. But under the circumstances? I’m sure all things considered, he’d rather be in Philadelphia. And now that we’ve met the Gray Trader, things are probably going to get even more fucked up, especially if he’s really what Cal says he is. I’m so glad this book is finally back.

THE TRANSFORMERS: WINDBLADE #1: Ever since the animated movie, people have been baffled by Arcee’s existence. How could there only be one female Transformer? What are they, fucking Smurfs? Well, IDW has decided to address the issue by bringing in more women characters. As previously seen, they were taking care of the dying Metroplex up until now. Now, they’re on Cybertron and they’re trying to help Starscream get things up and running. Windblade is the only point of communication they have with Metroplex, since she’s the only one who can speak his language. It’s interesting to see this concept in action, but what really made me crack up was when Rattrap voiced it in a very awkward moment: “So . . . uh. What’s the—uh—whole you both being called ‘she’ thing about?” I could be mistaken, but I think Mairghread Scott is the first woman writer to ever tackle this title. Too bad they’re only giving her a mini-series.

ROVER RED CHARLIE #5: Only Garth Ennis could take a story about animals and make it as obscene as possible. I love the way these dogs think. “I’m a dog!” is how their frantic barks are translated. Oceans are big splashes. Humans are feeders. Those who haven’t had their balls cut greet each other by fucking. Take this POV and put it into a zombie apocalypse, and you have this book. In a previous issue, artist Michael DiPascale portrayed a human licking shit out of a dog’s asshole. Somehow, in this issue, Ennis and DiPascale outdo that scene with the short bus. I’ll let you read about that all on your own, though. It’s that good. I hate stories about animals, but I’m going to miss this one when it concludes next month.

STRAY BULLETS: KILLERS #2: It’s good to see Eli all grown up, and it would seem that he lost his foot in that car accident. He lost his father in it, too. But it looks like he’s gained a few interesting stories, and he might be getting laid pretty soon. But this isn’t his story. This is about a troubled young woman named Virginia, and her relationship with her aunt and uncle. David Lapham does two kinds of stories really good: tits and violence stories and depressing stories. This one is the latter, and the ending is just a heartbreaker.

COOL SHIT 4-10-14

KICK-ASS 3 #7: (Please remember that Cool Shit contains spoilers. To quote a great man, “Tread lightly.”) Mark Millar’s not fucking around. This is the end of KICK-ASS. He pulls a very bizarre move in this issue though: he has the Motherfucker turn on his Mafia family and try to save Hit-Girl. I’m unclear as to why he does this. It’s completely out of character for him. Is it just so he can have his Hobgoblin-from-the-third-Spider-Man moment? Ugh. Not that it matters, though, since the Motherfucker gets killed in this issue. Seriously, Millar is an animal. He could do anything. There is one issue left, and there’s no way to predict the ending. For all we know, Hit-Girl and Kick-Ass die in the end. I suspect Hit-Girl will get it. I don’t know about Kick-Ass, but we’ll see soon. (PS: I love Big Daddy’s monster truck.)

G.I. JOE: SPECIAL MISSIONS #14: This one is reminiscent of the old Marvel G.I. JOE book. This is the perfect example of a Special Mission, taking one character and spotlighting him in the field. This is Lowlight’s book as he faces off against a Cobra sniper with a wounded Mainframe in the middle of it all. Since COBRA FILES ended, I’ve been greatly disappointed with this title. It was nice to see this one go out on top with a cool issue. That’s right, this is the last issue of SM. We’re stuck with the regular G.I. JOE from here on out (and the original Hama series, which is hit or miss). It’s a shame. I hope the next step for IDW and these characters is much better than what we’ve been getting lately.

THE TWILIGHT ZONE #4: And so the first story arc ends. It comes to a very satisfying ending. I’m not sure if it’s something that Rod Serling would have done, but tone-wise, I think he would have been proud. The only problem I have with it is the introduction of the next story by interweaving it with this one in an odd hybrid of an epilogue/prologue. It seems a bit cheap. I’d rather do without it. Besides, it ruins the effect of the final monologue (which, presumably, belongs to Serling). But I’ll reserve judgment until I’ve read the next issue.

THE WALKING DEAD #125: Here we have it, ladies and gentlemen. The moment of truth. Rick vs. Negan, one on one. Except . . . it’s not the two-fisted battle in a boiler room you might expect. No, it’s a verbal argument. And shockingly enough, Rick gives Negan a wonderful argument for why the war should end. He’s of the opinion that they could achieve wonderful things if they just worked together instead of trying to kill each other. Surprise! Rick gets through to Negan. He sees the light. It looks like we’re going to have a peace agreement. Too bad Rick fucking slits Negan’s throat. All right, I don’t really think he does a good enough job. I’ll bet next issue, it will be revealed to be a shallow job, and Negan’s going to make it. Kirkman’s not done with a guy like Negan, not yet. No fucking way. We don’t have his backstory yet. But we’ll see. Next issue is the last of “All Out War.”

Here’s a bonus: NEXT TESTAMENT #8. I’m going to review it next week on Wednesday at the Napalm Reviews, but I just wanted to share this wonderful image from this book with you. Haemi Jang is a wonderful artist.

Stay tuned next week for a special announcement concerning this column.

COOL SHIT 3-27-14

THE WALKING DEAD #124: “All Out War” continues, and the injured members of the Hilltop are starting to turn into zombies. Jesus pieces Negan’s plan together, and everyone starts looking at Rick, realizing that he was wounded by one of the tainted weapons. Or was he . . ? Ah, fuck it. We all know Dwight didn’t taint the bolt. Please. Everyone else is turning, but Rick isn’t? Why else would he not be? I hope Kirkman proves me wrong. Now would be the perfect time to kill Rick. Could you imagine if Jesus was the protagonist instead? Or even better, Negan? I know, I keep saying that. I know Kirkman will never let Negan lead the book, but Jesus? It could happen. (Hey, one more thing: I can’t wait for this story arc to be over, not just because I have high hopes that it will be bloody and it will change everything, but also because I’m sick of these bland covers. They’ve all sucked.)

THE TRANSFORMERS: DARK CYBERTRON #2: Wow. They killed off some big characters with this story arc. Last issue, they offed the most popular character in their history, Bumblebee. Now, Shockwave is gone. And . . . well, I’ll let Megatron speak for the rest of this entry. Nothing I could say is cooler than that.

FATALE #21: In this issue, we get even more information about Josephine’s past, in particular about her relationship with Otto, the only man who is completely immune to her wiles. But the big deal about this issue is the party Jo drags Nick to. She’s interested in stealing a very important artifact, something you wouldn’t expect. And though it’s been done several times over the course of the series, it never ceases to amaze me how men respond to Jo, especially when she isn’t around them. It’s painful to watch, and it never stops being so. THREE ISSUES TO GO!

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FBP #8: This issue contains what is possibly the strangest bar fight you will ever encounter in fiction. Apparently, the FBP is now located in Alaska as their funds dry up even more. The locals aren’t fans of the government agents, but they aren’t afraid to try to hustle them out of money by playing pool with Adam and Rosa, the latter of which has never played before. She learns fast, though, as she talks about the multiverse. Before long, they’ve gotten the better of the locals, but things turn violent. That’s when Rosa apparently bends space in order to throw a ball at their attackers, which has seemingly picked up the attributes of perpetual motion and terminal velocity. I’ve got to say, I never saw anything like that in PREACHER . . . And then there’s the reveal that Rosa grew up in an alternate universe. And what the fuck is Cicero up to? Just when you think things in this book can’t get weirder.

THE TRANSFORMERS: MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE #27: Well. That was . . . unexpected. Shockwave has finally revealed his endgame, and it’s a real motherfucker. He’s decided to end existence. Kind of. He intends to funnel the universe into himself, thus rendering it into one giant black hole. It’s hard to say why he wants this, but there you go. This just goes to show you that Shockwave is the nastiest villain in the TF world. Not even Megatron is that fucked up. In fact, he’s not all that bad. Remember, he started out as a revolutionary. It’s just that his hatred and his desire for power overcame his noble intentions and he turned into the monster he is now, which is why I think a small part of Optimus Prime admires him a bit. Speaking of Megatron, Ratchet has repaired him, and in an odd moment of introspection, Megatron finally understands his own tragic flaw (and I’m talking real tragic flaw, as described by Aristotle, not just as a common phrase that has almost lost its meaning).

THE WALKING DEAD #123: Remember last issue when Negan upped his game by smearing all of his army’s weapons with zombie gunk so they don’t have to actually strike killing blows? Well, the time has come to use them, and boy, does he ever. At this time, I feel it’s important to remind you all that spoilers are fair game here in Cool Shit, because this one’s a doozy. You see, this issue ends with a motherfucker of a cliffhanger: Dwight shoots a soiled arrow (sorry, I mean “bolt”) into Rick’s back. Which, in theory, means Rick is fucked. He’s going to go zombie on us, and it’s not like you can cut his fucking torso off to save him. Personally, I think Dwight’s arrow wasn’t soiled. We don’t technically see him put the zombie gunk on it (the zombie’s back covers up that scene), and remember, he’s supposed to be a spy for Rick. Kirkman constantly says that no one is safe in this book, and usually, he’s right. However, I think most of his fans would turn their backs on him if he really killed Rick off. I wouldn’t mind if Kirkman killed off all of the people we’ve been following for 123 issues and replace them with Negan and his Saviors, but he swears he’s not going to do that. Three more issues of “All Out War” to go . . .

RED TEAM #7: This is it, the final issue. Garth Ennis and Craig Cermak go out with a bang. A lot of bangs, actually. We now know who Eddie and Trudy have been telling their story to: the captain. Oddly enough, he seems to be taking it pretty well, considering what an absolute clusterfuck it would be if the press got their hands on this story. It’s interesting to see how Eddie and Trudy get out of the horrible mess at the cabin, but the absolute shocker of this issue is the captain’s conclusion. But that couldn’t be the end of it. Garth Ennis has a real bastard streak in him. That final page will break your heart. I’m going to miss this book.

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TRILLIUM #7: Another mind-bending issue from Jeff Lemire. Wow, there are a lot of great visuals in this one, and a lot happens. However, the thing that truly makes this issue cool is the reveal that the Atabithian language can actually be translated by readers. It’s pretty easy to figure out what they’re saying when you have some context, but when there aren’t any words in English around their odd squiggly language, it becomes nearly impossible. In the back of this issue, Lemire gives us the means of translating it all. How cool is that?

VELVET #4: Dammit. Burke left us for another job. He was a pretty cool character. But in this issue, we gain a new, interesting character in the form of Roman, who used to be a Russian spy until a job went bad, and he started freelancing rather than go to a gulag. Velvet goes to the king of all masquerade parties in order to track him down. You don’t get more exotic than that, and of course there’s plenty of two-fisted spy action to go with it. Velvet and Roman are old enemies, but they seem to have a lot of respect for each other and enjoy being in each others presence. Great weird stuff from Ed Brubaker.

THE TWILIGHT ZONE #3: Finally! We get the story of who is really wearing Trevor Richmond’s body, and it’s a doosy. While the real Trevor gave up all of his wealth to get into a new body in order to evade the authorities, a man who is dying of a very painful disease is given Trevor’s body—and life—to live in until the time of his death . . . for free. The poor bastard, who was a stock boy at a Wal-Mart-ish store, is living Trevor’s life as Trevor should have. But now Trevor wants his old life back . . . This tale of identity is really getting heated up. Very obviously, the real Trevor is a piece of shit, and no one could possibly root for him, but he’s a resourceful piece of shit. Looks like this one will be wrapped up with next issue.

STARLIGHT #1: This book has a special place in my heart because it tackles one of my favorite subjects. Take an old fashioned pulp hero and take a look at him in his old age. I wrote a story on the subject called “Fade Away,” which was published in THE REALM BEYOND (buy it here!). My story was about a pulp hero who, as an old man, encounters the bones of one of the monsters he vanquished at the Field Museum. Mark Millar’s new book is about a pulp hero, but no one knows he was a pulp hero. (Or he’s got a screw loose. It’s hard to tell.) Once upon a time, he got sucked into a wormhole and found himself in another world, where he saves the people from a tyrant. Then, he comes back home and lives the life of a regular guy. Now he’s an old man who just lost his wife to breast cancer. The only family he has left are his sons, and they’ve got their own lives to live. He’s trying to make the most of his old age, but then a reminder of his past comes back to haunt him. Is he going to end up back in a pulp adventure? I don’t know, but I’m fucking excited to see where this goes. Some of these layouts are amazing, juxtaposing his adventurous youth with his mundane life as an old man. Great stuff from Goran Parlov, who also worked with Garth Ennis on his PUNISHER Max series and one of the greatest war miniseries ever written, FURY: MY WAR GONE BY.

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KICK-ASS 3 #6: This is a bit of an odd story to tell this late in the series. The prison shrink is trying to get to the base of Hit-Girl’s problems by asking her to tell the story of the first time her father made her kill someone. It’s a walk down memory lane for her, where we get a little more of her backstory, even though the series is almost at its conclusion. Still, it’s a lot of fun, especially since she had performance anxiety at first. Big Daddy came up with a spectacular way to make killing fun for her, as well as to help her overcome her issues. Not a lot happens to move the main story along, though . . . except that last panel, of course. 2 MORE ISSUES TO GO!

THE TRANSFORMERS: ROBOTS IN DISGUISE #26: Dark Cybertron has been sucking pretty badly, but IDW seems to be pulling it around. In this issue, Megatron actually helps save the day. Not only that, but the Lost Light has returned, reuniting the two books. And we learn a lot about Orion Pax in this one. After he learned how all of the Primes were scumbags, he couldn’t go on endorsing them by keeping the name Optimus Prime. However, Rodimus, of all people, turns him around on this by saying he’s always wanted to be, not just a Prime, but Optimus Prime. In his time as Optimus, Orion brought greatness back to the title. And yes, due to this, we have Optimus back!

FATALE #20: It’s great to see Jo back in action now that she finally knows who she is again. She’s making her way through the world, killing the cultists on her trail and . . . saving Nicholas? Could it be that she actually likes him? Is that why she “lets all of her nightmares” into Nelson? Or does she have something else planned for poor Nicholas? It was interesting to see Jo’s suicide attempts over the years. But even better is Nicholas’s revelation that maybe, just maybe, Jo is not a good person to have in his life, even if she just saved it. FOUR ISSUES TO GO!

THE WALKING DEAD #121: Oh shit. Rick has lost his number one secret. Negan has found Eugene and his bullet factory. Things don’t bode well for the Community. Not to mention the fact that Dr. Cloyd is gone, and the Community is so fucked up Rick can’t defend it. They actually have to flee to the Hilltop, and even Ezekiel has given up. But my favorite part is when Carl calls Rick a “wimp” for passing out. Seriously, Rick passes out more than a governess in a bodice-ripper. Good for Carl for pointing out what we all want to say. Well, maybe my favorite part is when Negan consults his, uh, crystal balls.

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FAIREST #23: All right, I don’t really care for this story arc. I only mention it here in Cool Shit because I love the fuck out of that cover! Look at that rat’s ear on Cinderella’s ass! Perfect!

THE TRANSFORMERS: MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE #26: God-fucking-dammit. The “Dark Cybertron” crossover has been boring the tits off of me. It’s like IDW is trying to destroy all the awesome shit they’ve done with the title over the years. But . . . this issue is different. It’s actually gotten my attention. Bumblebee working with Megatron? (Or rather, half of Megatron.) Starscream’s dreams crushed so badly that he’s actually given up? Prowl willing to accept Decepticons on his side, even Soundwave? This book’s getting kind of strange. Not only that, but Rodimus confesses his weakest moment to Orion Pax, and Orion Pax doesn’t give him a feel-good speech? I love the fact that Orion Pax gives him shit for it and tells him that Rodimus should have given up his leadership role. How cool is that? And then, of course, there is Bumblebee’s speech in the end of the issue. It’s even better than Rodimus’s till-all-are-one speech from the animated movie. This issue turned me around on “Dark Cybertron.”

GOD IS DEAD #6: Only Jonathan Hickman would have all the gods come back to earth, and the top minds of our world turn themselves into gods in order to save humanity . . . only to have the new gods get big heads and want to rule in their own right. Judging from how this issue ends, I have no idea how Avatar Press will continue this story. It should end here. But there are ads for further issues. A part of me is afraid to find out how they continue, but I’m more consumed by my curiosity. My favorite part of this issue? When Zeus faces off against Stephen Haw—I mean, Dr. Rhodes.