GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #421: MORE COMPLAINTS FROM THE SUBURBAN PRAIRIE

 Every time you think I've forgotten about calling my hometown the Suburban Prairie, I feel the need to remind you that I don't forget these things, and as long as I'm alive, you're stuck with it.

Anyway, the complaints. The last of my medications ran out from the old (and much preferred) pharmacy. I'm stuck with CVS for as long as I have this job. Don't worry. I planned far ahead in advance. I have my new meds from CVS, as I learn from missteps of the past pretty well.

But the whole thing reminded me of the last time I went to the ER, which was after I learned of my forced transition to CVS. It turns out, going a few days without your meds is not good. For me, the result was a return of my stomach issues. Stomach, not pancreas. Yes, because of that madness, I wound up in the ER. If I'd gotten my meds just one day sooner, it could have been avoided, but what the fuck do I know, right?

So I got treated, and as per usual I got a few new meds to take. If this was back when I was with my previous pharmacy, all I had to do was head over there, and the fax is waiting for me there. They ask if I want to wait for it, and I always do. They say fifteen minutes. It's more like seven minutes. I take my meds and go home happy.

What happened this time? The fax was sent, sure, but unlike my favored pharmacy, CVS said, "It's not ready yet."

"I can wait for it," I said.

"We'll send you a text when it's ready."

"How long will that take?"

"It shouldn't take too long."

Yeah. That just fills me with confidence. When were my meds ready? About 45 minutes later. So maybe you can see where my discontent is coming from.

I am in kind of a mood to bitch tonight. I've entered the new phase of quitting caffeine. The first was not having any after lunch. The next was not having any after my morning Monster. This phase is only having that Monster every other day. Today was the first day without, and it kicked my ass. It usually takes a couple of days for the withdrawal headache to kick in, but this bastard wasn't fucking around with me this time. I call it Kreese because it struck first, struck hard and showed no mercy. My God, it crippled me during the second half of my workday.

These caffeine withdrawal headaches are nothing to fuck with. I remember going through it in the hospital once, when I was forbidden caffeine, and it cut through all the lovely morphine I was on at the time. Not even motherfucking morphine could stop the bastard.

So yeah, I caved. I got some caffeine as soon as I got out of work. Dammit, though. I need to do this. My blood pressure is so high that ER doctors lose a year of their own life just looking at it. These days caffeine and cheese are probably the chief contributors, and I ain't gonna cut the cheese out of my life. Caffeine's got to go.

So TL;DR: fuck CVS and John Kreese and caffeine withdrawals.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #409: I SPOKE TOO SOON

 Earlier today I mentioned on social media that my Pharmacy War ended with a pyrrhic victory. I would get my meds, but I would have to get them from fucking CVS. Well, I spoke too soon. The war isn't over yet. Why? Because I still haven't gotten my meds.

To ensure that CVS would have my meds, I called into my doctor's office and requested that all of my medications, especially my two 'Beetus prescriptions because I'm out of those, be sent to CVS going forward, and I would be stopping by after work because I've gone without Glimepride for three days and Metformin for one day. Guess who didn't have my meds.

Right.

And now I find myself with nothing further I can do. I'm at the mercy of my new doctor. I swear to fuck, when I finally die it will probably be because of red tape bullshit like this. Just watch. Tomorrow morning I will wake up in the midst of a fucking stroke. Or maybe I won't wake up.

This is taking a toll on me. I like my usual pharmacy. I walk in and they know me. They know why I'm there, and they keep products that I prefer in stock. It's a nice place with friendly people. When I walk in there, I know exactly what I'm going to get.

But this new insurance plan that demands I get my meds from CVS? It can suck my dick. I don't want to go to a megacorporation for my medications, but if I had to, I certainly wouldn't choose CVS. I'd probably go with Walgreen's. That's just a gun-to-the-head situation. CVS is awful. Every time I've ever been in one my skin crawls. Also, aisles are labeled very poorly. At least Walgreen's has well-labeled aisles and they all look more or less the same, so navigating their stores is easy.

This fucking blows. It would be nice if I could spend one fucking day where I don't have to think about my own mortality. With all the doctors visits and now this fucking mess, that's making it nearly fucking impossible. I'm angry all the time because of this shit. Here I was, thinking I'd mellowed out in my old age, and then 2020 broke down my door and clubbed me with its giant four-foot long cock. And then his little brother 2021 arrived with a five-foot cock destined for my face.

I can only assume 2022 will have a six-foot cock.

And in case I didn't say fuck enough in this column, here's one more: FUCK.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #384: MEDICAL BULLSHIT

 So my longtime doctor retired over the Fourth of July weekend. That sucks because now I have to find a new doctor. More to the point, I found the doctor, I just need to get in to see him. Anyone who has had medical problems knows exactly how fucking difficult that is. If you call for an appointment for something, even if it's a big problem, you'll be scheduled a month from now, and that's if you're lucky. Your only other choices are Urgent Care or the ER, and personally speaking, every time I've gone to Urgent Care, they told me to go to the ER instead.

So my appointment with my new doctor is two weeks from now. The problem, however, is that two of my medications just ran out. I went to the pharmacy to request refills, which they usually fax over to the doctor for approval. But since my doctor is retired, it was in question as to whether or not I would get my pills.

I figured I'd call the office and let them know. I was told that my new doctor probably wouldn't refill the prescriptions without seeing me first. That threw me for a fucking loop. Would I have to go through two weeks without my two 'Beetus meds? I started wondering if my pancreas would try to kill me again before I got in to see the doctor. I asked what the odds were that the doctor would refill the meds and was told slim to none.

I asked if the person I spoke to would at least send a request to the doctor's office. He said he would, but I didn't have high hopes. When life kicks you in the teeth enough, you learn to lower your expectations.

On a whim I stopped at my pharmacy on the way home today. I lucked out. The doctor refilled me. Not for the usual three month supply that I'm used to. Just a one month supply. Enough to get me through to my appointment. That was quite the relief.

Sometimes the world surprises you. Not often, but sometimes.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #75: GOING OFF MY MEDS

First of all, wow. I've done 75 of these fuckers? I thought I'd surely get bored with writing them by now, or at least I'd run out of ideas or inspiration. I still might. Who knows? Hopefully, I'll get to 100. That would be cool.


Anyway, tomorrow I'm going to try an experiment. Don't worry, I'm not going off of all my meds. I will still use my hypertension and high cholesterol pills. My problem is with the 'Beetus medications.


For a while, I'm sure you've all noticed me complaining about low blood sugar. That's pretty good for someone with a bad case of the 'Beetus, but my blood sugar was getting dangerously low. I started getting the shakes. I started feeling ill and off balance. Things like that. It threw me off so badly that almost every time I felt that way, it ruined a night of writing for me. I started drinking a can of Coke at lunch to even things out, and shockingly enough, even after occasionally adding a Monster in the morning, my blood sugar was STILL too low when I tested it at home. I got a reading of 80 that day, which is nuts.


But I don't want to drink that stuff anymore. I beat a lifelong caffeine addiction, and I'm afraid I'm going to get hooked on it again. Going through withdrawals for that was not fun. (Plus you get dirty looks from recovering junkies, which is kind of embarrassing.)


I currently take two medications for the 'Beetus, and I take each of them two times a day. That should give you an idea of how bad my case was when I first started out. I think I'm out of the woods on days I don't resort to cheating on my diet (which happens a lot more than one would think; NOT cheating, that is).


Tomorrow, I'm ditching one of my meds, and I'm going to keep a careful watch on my blood sugars, just to see what happens. If I get the results I think I'm going to get, I'll continue with the experiment. More as it develops . . .

Eat your damn oatmeal.