Tuesday, October 11, 2016


Earlier today I ran into a friend and his family. While he and his wife ordered food from McDonald's I found myself in an interesting conversation with their seven-year-old son. He's actually pretty smart. I've always thought that he was going to go on to do something important. He certainly knew more than I did when I was his age.

We started talking about time travel stories and historical SF. He'd just read some good stuff, and he was thinking about the age old question: if you could go back in history and kill baby Hitler, would you? He didn't want to do that. Blessed with coming of age in a more tolerant time he said he wanted to go back in time and help Hitler be a better person so he wouldn't do all of those horrible things. "I want him to experience beauty," he said. "Maybe he didn't have enough art in his life. Maybe he should have been a creator instead of a destroyer. I'd try to teach him an art, like painting or something."

My blood froze with that last statement. In that moment I realized that this kid was going to be a genius. One day he was going to invent a time machine, and he was going to go back in time to teach young Hitler how to paint. Which will lead to him being refused admittance to an art school. Which will lead to genocide and a wildly violent attempt at world domination.

There is no changing time. If you travel back in your future, it has already been done.

I just realized that I had to kill this child so he couldn't go back in time to try and save Hitler.

Wish me luck.

Just kidding. Children are not smart. They're stupid and disgusting. If you knew me you would have known this was a joke. Do you realize how many messes I've had to clean up because of children? I'm pretty sure that they're all Donald Trumps waiting to happen. Good luck in training that out of them.

All right, kids aren't that bad. I'm just glad I don't have any I have to take care of. I thought it was a good joke, that's all. I apologize to the children of the world for assuming they're all assholes. They're not. Well, most of them aren't. Some are good. Probably.  #VoteBruniDanger2016


  1. You and me both! In being glad I don't have kids, that is. I'm honorary "Aunt" to two awesome, smart little girls. I get to do things like explain why your middle finger doesn't really mean "you're number one" like daddy said. I get to teach them to say "A B C D E F U", I get to smirk when they say "fuck" under their breath, I get to teach them to throw up horns and say "fucking metal!!!" when an Iron Maiden song comes on... well, their dad did that but it's funny as shit. I get cuddles and "I love yous" which they will soon be to old for. I love those girls and I'm grateful as fuck to not be raising them. I get all the fun stuff and then get to sleep in on the weekends. P.S. Baby Hitler should have had a meeting with a coat hanger in utero.

  2. That's great! Yeah, I'm not an official uncle, but like you I have honorary status with several kids. I strive to be Gary Busey in SILVER BULLET to these kids. So far I think I'm doing a good job. I also don't have children, and that is probably the best decision of my life.

    1. Yep, it's fun to be the crazy uncle/aunt. Heehee, Gary Busey in Silver Bullet. My mom loves that movie.

    2. I love that ridiculous jackass joke he tells. I tell it to my honorary nieces and nephews whenever I get the chance.