GENERAL ARMSTRONG MUST DIE! A review of SIOUX FALLS #1

To those familiar with Z.M. Thomas’s work, you might be expecting a healthy wallop of humor to go with the starkness of the cover you see above. Yet this new book is something different. In SIOUX FALLS, he plays it pretty straight. This time out, he’s here to tell a grim story of vengeance. Remember how in the ‘Seventies, we used to get movies about the hero who gets severely wounded and left for dead by the bad guy, only to heal and come back for revenge?

Meet Kota. He is a Dakota living in District 32, aka Sioux Falls. For ten years, he has been haunted by the brutal murder of his parents and brother, and tonight he is finally going to get his vengeance. He takes a few drinks, hides his gun and heads down to the bar where the notorious General George Armstrong hangs out. He has one goal in his life: kill Gen. Armstrong, the murderer of his family. He doesn’t even plan on escaping the bar, just so long as he gets to see the life fade from Armstrong’s eyes.

Naturally, things don’t work out for Kota, and he winds up just like a ‘Seventies hero with a bullet in his guts, left to die out in the middle of nowhere. Except . . . you know he’s not going to die out there. No, he can’t let Gen. Armstrong get away with this. This is only the first issue of the book. Judging from the tone, there is plenty of blood and revenge in store for us.

Thomas is doing something very different here, although it is no less researched than his other, more humorous projects. In asides, he offers translations and historical notes. He’s not fucking around here. This is his story about the systematic racism that has nearly destroyed Native Americans. You see, this is about more than just a revenge story. This is about a great wrong that was done to an entire people by our very own government, and it’s a wrong that is still being done to this very day. It’s not necessarily as violent as it once was, but go to a reservation sometime. Take a look around. You will see people who are broken and isolated and all but forgotten.

If that’s not enough to convince you, take a look at the wonderful artwork. It is perfect for this kind of story: grim, dark and rough. Take a look at Gen. Armstrong. Look familiar? Kids today probably don’t know what the rest of Custer’s name was . . .

Hell, one look at the cover should convince you that reading this book is the right thing to do. We’re only 26 pages in. Could you imagine what else Thomas has waiting in the wings for us?

Do yourself a favor. If you’re at Wizard World Chicago this weekend, look him up and buy it in person. If you’re not, then go here and get your fix right now.

ONE QUESTION INTERVIEWS: Z.M. THOMAS

Z.M. Thomas is the comic book writer behind great books such as ABE THE ABORTED FETUS and THE BIBLE 2, both of which I’ve reviewed here and here, respectively. As you can probably tell, most people don’t get the joke and have said quite a few negative things about his work. Here’s what I had to ask him.

ME: You take on a lot of touchy topics in your work for the purpose of making people laugh, and that tends to rub people the wrong way. What is the worst thing anyone has ever said to you because of your books?

Z.M. THOMAS: Honestly, the hate that people send to me is pretty much the generic rhetoric that you’d expect someone to say if they disagree with you on a fundamental religious level, which usually involves the threat of Hell. As if threatening Hell to an atheist is much of a threat at all, considering there’s a certain level of insanity in trying to justify having an imaginary enemy. But, either way, I’ve been lucky in the sense that there hasn’t been much said in the form of bodily harm or death threats, just a lot of passive aggressive bullshit which appears to have been written by those with the intellectual equivalent of first graders. However, the only time anyone has said anything to me that really pissed me off was when an individual sarcastically tried to ask if “I or anyone I knew had a gun placed to their head and forced into Christianity,” which actually has happened to my family. So I engaged in a long condescending answer which you can find here. Of course he deleted his comment within hours, but that was probably the most offensive thing anyone has ever said to me.

His work can be found here. It is well-researched, as he is a fellow fan of history. If you haven’t read anything of his, despite my reviews, now is the time. He’s planning to have a new book released soon. I won’t say anything about it, but if it’s anything like he’s told me, it’s going to top the awesomeness of ABE and BIBLE 2, hands down.

C2E2 2013 WRAP-UP

It’s no secret that over the years, I’ve come to favor C2E2 over Wizard World Chicago each and every time.  As a result, I felt betrayed when I was notified that C2E2 would not be granting me a press pass for 2013.  It hurt pretty badly, especially considering how fucking expensive it is to get into this thing for the whole weekend.  But when I thought more about it, I wasn’t quite so pissed.  Last year, I got sick on the first day, so I was only able to use what precious little material I was able to gather on Friday of the 2012 show.  While I think it’s unfair (because I spent the weekend in the ER being pumped full of fluids, anti-nausea medicine, and Dilaudid, which was not fun, rather than hanging out at C2E2 with my friends, meeting people, and going to panels, which is fun), I can see why they turned me down.

So I made it my personal mission this year to gather as much info as I could and write as many articles as I could muster.  Hence the incredibly long list of C2E2 coverage this year.  Seriously.  You just read seven weeks of C2E2 coverage.  If this doesn’t earn me a press pass for 2014, fucking nothing will.

I’m sorry to say that Friday seemed kind of lackluster.  I’d brought my friend, Fitz, along for the ride this year, and it was his first convention ever.  It was cool to watch his reaction to the whole thing, but I could tell even he was a bit disappointed.  He got to meet Laurie Holden, who plays Andrea on THE WALKING DEAD.  He actually brought a photo of her on the set of the MAGNIFICENT SEVEN TV show, which she probably found absolutely ludicrous.  As we walked away, he told me she was the first celebrity he’d ever actually talked to.  He was with me when I met James Cosmo and Natalie Dormer, but Holden was his First.

He handled it pretty well.  I remember when I met my first celebrity, which left me a bit starstruck, but after all of these years, it never strikes me anymore.

Anyway, Fitz was really hoping to meet Ron Perlman (and so was I, a bit), but the line was always too long, or he just wasn’t there.  Fitz felt the same way about the guy who played the Green Power Ranger, but the line was way longer than anyone expected.

Fitz had hung his hopes on meeting a lot of people, but as it turns out, most of them decided to only show up on Saturday.  He even wanted to meet J. Michael Straczynski because of the writer’s involvement with THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS cartoon, but that turned out to be a no-go.  I think Fitz had a good time taking in the experience, but when it came to meeting celebrities, he was let down.  I was, too.  Friday was kind of a bust.

The highlight was introducing Fitz to Jon Lennon.  Here’s the thing:  Jon tried to get a table in Artists Alley, and they turned him down.  Sure, all of the tables were taken, but there was a ton of room for more tables.  They could have fit him and Mat Festa and anyone else who had requested to PAY for a table.  I could see them turning down a press pass for me, but to turn away PAYING ARTISTS?  That was lame.

It was also great to see Leo Perez, Kevin Bandt, Z.M. Thomas, and a few other Artists Alley friends (although surprisingly enough, I didn’t get to see Kurt Dinse until Sunday).  Josh Filer showed up the next day, so it was fun shooting the shit with him.  It was great to find out that he’s been telling people about all the horrendous stories I’ve told him in regards to my life.  The burn victim story, as portrayed in an issue of PRODUCT OF SOCIETY, seems to be a favorite.  I wished I could have gotten drunk with them on Saturday night, but by that point, I’d been fucked up beyond all belief.  I was ready to collapse.  I was still fucked up on Sunday.  Guys:  when Wizard World Chicago comes around, I promise to get drunk with you.  I have more fucked up stories about my life to tell.  Since the StrangeHouse guys will be there, maybe I can get all of you together for an evening of absolute lunacy.

My favorite part of any convention is hanging out with my Artists Alley friends, but this year I only got to stop by a couple of times.  I was too busy getting material for my C2E2 coverage, meeting celebrities, getting interviews, going to panels, etc.  I also had to dedicate some time to picking up a few books for my collection, like the most recent volume of THE GOON.  I was missing a few issues of SAGA, which I promptly bought.  Much to my surprise, Avatar’s new CALIGULA series had begun.  I guess my comic book shop must have missed it, so I got the four issues they’ve released so far (and yes, it’s fucking intense and crazy).

One of my big regrets is not getting a pulp magazine this year.  Every convention, I at least buy one, but not this year.  I couldn’t find a place selling them.  I’m sure there was one somewhere, but I don’t think I would have been able to afford it, anyway.  I spent the last of my money on something far more cooler than a pulp magazine:  a sketch from John McCrea.

Oh, you want to see it?  We’re almost there.  Hang on just a while longer.

I don’t regret the pulp thing too much, though.  My comic book shop now has a section for pulp magazines, and I’ve got a bunch on my pile, so that satisfies at least a part of my collecting OCD.

What surprised me the most was how busy it was on Sunday.  I expected it to be packed on Saturday, so I got there as early as my hangover would allow.  I still wound up parking on the roof, and it was in a handicapped space.  (What?  Don’t look at me like that.  The parking attendant TOLD ME to park there.)  On Sunday, I wound up on the roof again, but all the handicapped spots were taken.  The attendants were making up parking spots, and one of them directed me to such a non-existent space.

But even after a good night’s rest (and no hangover), on Sunday I still felt like collapsing.  I left a bit early, two hours from closing time.  I think I might be getting too old for this shit.

Either that, or I’ve finally gotten too fat for conventions.  Anyone who has seen me at one of these things can attest to how out of breath and sweaty I get, and that’s when I’m in fairly good shape.  This leads me to my next problem.

Will I get my press pass back for C2E2 2014?  I hope so . . . but I’ve decided that if I don’t get it, I’m going to give up.  These things are taking too much of a toll on me.  Besides, I’ve pretty much interviewed everyone I want to interview by this point.  There are two on my list that I want, and I know I’ll never get them:  Garth Ennis and William Christensen.  I’ve tried for the former the few times I’ve seen him, and the latter has apologetically turned me down ever since I first saw him at a con several years ago (being editor-in-chief of Avatar during a con is a pretty busy job, so I understand).

I’ve also had to face facts:  I’m not that great of an interviewer.  I’ve found that I can handle myself pretty well as an interviewee, but when I’m asking questions, I think I’m just mediocre.  I’ve only ever done a handful of great interviews, and they are as follows:  Jon Lennon and Leo Perez at the same time, Josh Filer, Jason Yungbluth, and this year’s John McCrea.  (There was also the interview Leo Perez and I did with Brian Azzarello, which was really good, but it was more Leo than me on that one.)  Those felt more like conversations rather than interviews, and that’s the way it should be.

If C2E2 gives me back my press pass, I will definitely do all the things that would require of me, but if they don’t . . . I guess I’ll just go for one day.  Whichever day has the most panels I want to sit in on will be the winner.  I’ll cover them, of course, because that’s fun, and I’ll review whatever I pick up in Artists Alley . . . although I’m starting to think some of you don’t believe the disclaimers I post for all the books I review that are written and/or illustrated by my Artists Alley friends.  Even they probably don’t believe me on some level, and saying otherwise will convince no one.

I’m pretty sure that Wizard World Chicago will grant me a press pass, and I’ll cover the shit out of it.  It’s just not as exhausting as C2E2 is, which may be what is killing it for me.

Even though Friday was disappointing, the other two days completely made it up for me.  The whole excursion was worth it.  It was great meeting so many new people, so many new creators, and hanging out with old friends that I know I couldn’t pass up another such opportunity.  C2E2 is still as fun as it was the first year, and it shows no signs of diminishing.  If you have the chance to go for 2014, I say do it.  I’ll be there.

I might be, as Robert Browning said near the end of “Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came,” “the last of me, a living frame/for one more picture” by the time you see me, but I will still be there.

And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  I can’t tell you how much this sketch of Tommy and Natt from HITMAN means to me.  It is now one of my most prized possessions.  These characters have long been gone from the DCU, but for just a brief second, whenever I hold this sketch, they’re alive again.  I now present it to you as my final word on C2E2 2013:

C2E2 2013 REVIEW: THE BIBLE 2

[DEPT. OF FULL DISCLOSURE:  I know Z.M. Thomas, and I consider him a friend.  That said, I do not give out favorable reviews due to bias.  Luckily, I’ve never had to trash a friend yet.  I think that’s because I’m really good at meeting and befriending talented people.]

Remember how awesome and blasphemous ABE THE ABORTED FETUS was?  Writer Z.M. Thomas has done it again, but he’s upped his game this time in the “official” sequel to the Bible, THE BIBLE 2.  Hands down, this is the funniest trade you could have found in Artists Alley this year.  If you missed it, you’re a fool.

The story starts out on Jesus’s resurrection day, when he reveals to his followers that he’s leaving them to go to a faraway land called Utah, and no one should know that he’s there.  Mary Magdalene then creates a secret society dedicated to protecting this secret.  (Oh yeah, and Jesus gets there by riding a unicorn powered by rainbow farts.)

Fast forward about a thousand years, and Pope Clement V and the king of France are conspiring to draw Jesus out of hiding.  In the meantime, Tsidhqiyah, the descendant of Mary Magdalene and the last surviving member of the JLA (no, not THAT JLA, the Jewish League of Assassins), has come to ask Jesus for his help against the Pope, who is really the Devil himself in disguise.  A reluctant Jesus goes back home to take down the Papacy and save the world.

Yes, you read all of that right.  This is an actual book, and it’s even greater than this description.  Thomas has taken Jesus and turned him into an action hero, one-liners and all.  In fact, this book is so full of awesome one-liners, you’ll find yourself hard-pressed to not quote it to your friends.  This time out, Jesus has rocket sandals and laser eye beams and guns and he even smokes!

This is Jesus as you’ve never seen him before, and thanks to artist Amelia Woo, you get a very clear picture.  She pulls no punches, and she takes no prisoners.  With her help, you buy both the weed-smoking Jesus and the ass-kicking Jesus, even when they’re sometimes mere pages apart.

And yes, before you ask, Jesus does bring the dinosaurs back for his final charge on Vatican City.

If all of this doesn’t convince you to buy this book, chances are you’re a hardcore Christian.  Still, aren’t you curious to find out what happened after Jesus rode off to Utah on his unicorn?  Pick up this book and find out the true story of what happened to your savior in the thousand years after his resurrection.  You won’t be sorry.

THE BIBLE 2

Written by Z.M. Thomas

Illustrated by Amelia Woo

Published by Trepidation Comics

A shit-ton of pages, all of them funny as fuck

$19.99