If you grew up in Elmhurst at the time I did, then you know these guys almost as well as your own parents. Funny thing. My grandmother used to babysit one of their kids. I'm not sure if it was Celozzi's or Ettleson's. I think it was Nick Celozzi. When I was younger, back in the VHS days, I watched a movie which I'm pretty sure was Slaughterhouse Rock, and my grandmother walked through the room and saw him and recognized him. Oh yeah, Nick Celozzi went on to become an actor for a while. Mostly he's a producer now, but he was on a few quality shows like The A-Team and Walker, Texas Ranger. He was even in Marked for Death, if you can believe that.
Whoa. I've barely started, and already I'm off in the weeds. Weeds. Weed. Cannabis. Yes. Cannabis should be mandatory. The old Bill Hicks joke goes that it's impossible to get in a passionate argument while high. Since I've been imbibing I've found that's true, but I'll go one further. If you got into an argument while high, it would be impossible to finish it. Everyone involved would get lost in their own tangents.
Tangents like this one. The reason I used the phrase, "Where you always save more money," is because that was Celozzi-Ettleson's mantra, and I'm going to tell you about a sale that's going to save you a lot of money. Well, maybe not a lot. But definitely some.
It's kind of weird that after all these years this advertising slogan is still in my head. Like "plip plop fizz whizz" or "Food, folks and fun" or "Where's the beef?" That's kind of disgusting when you think about it. But hell, that's what religion and government and every authority figure has been doing for years, right? It shouldn't be all that surprising. How many thoughts do you have that you think are your own that you can trace back to something someone put in your head when you were a kid?
I swear this next part isn't a tangent. It'll seem like that at first, but I'm getting down to why I'm offering this ridiculous sale.
Christmas is the only holiday I care about. I mean, beyond getting a day off of work, that is. I don't give a shit about Halloween, even. And I can hear you saying I'm a blasphemer, but I just don't give a fuck. I like Christmas, though, and it's got nothing to do with Christ or Santa or even the tree Christians stole from the Druids. And fuck the unrepentant capitalism that whips out its dick this time of year. It's not even about my own greed. I think I stopped caring about getting presents when I turned forty.
For me, Christmas is about giving. There! See? I told you it wasn't a tangent. I was building up to something.
In the spirit of Christmas, I'm offering a sale that will probably baffle my fellow authors, or at least have them doubting my sanity. But it's been a rough couple of years for us all, and I thought to put some positivity out there (with my overwhelmingly negative books, naturally). So here it is. Do you want one of my books? You can have it. All you have to do is ask (kinda). I'll list what I have available in a moment. There is a slight price that I'm sure you'll find reasonable, and there are a few rules.
First, this is only available to people in the US. Sorry, everyone else. If you live outside the US and you want something from me, tell me. I'll send a digital copy of something of mine for free. I honestly don't know what I have at this point, so it'll be a surprise even to me. Warning: it's probably going to be either John Holmes, Vampire Slayer or 6669: Demon Porn. I'll see if there's anything else first, but I make no promises.
Next, if you live near me (the Chicagoland area, if you didn't know), and I can physically put that book in your hand, then the price is very simple. A review on Amazon or Goodreads (or both, if you're feeling generous) and one (1) American dollar. Some of you might get that joke. Back when I published Tabard Inn, my payment for stories was one American dollar and one contributor's copy. I was broke, but I didn't want to pay just in cc's, so that was my compromise. Now you can pay me one American dollar for my work. The universe has a habit of evening out.
If you live in the US, but I have to mail it to you, the price is just slightly higher. We'll call it at one (1) American dollar for the book and two bucks for shipping. And a review, as stated above, if you would be so kind.
This offer is good from the publication of this post until December 25, 2021.
One more rule: limit one book per household. Oh wait, one more rule. First come, first serve. Let me know what you want any way that you know me: social media, email, phone call, whatever. You can post a comment below, but I might forget about that and not see it (as has happened before), so if you have another way, try that instead. I'll do my best to keep an eye out, but I'm often high and forget things.
Having said that, here's what I have available:
--AND JESUS CAME BACK 2 copies
--BLOOD 3 copies
I know it's not a lot, but if you want something, now's the time. Strike while the iron is hot, and I'm being this stupid.
Wow, I'm glad that I wrote the important parts of this one before taking my edible instead of now. I don't think I could have made it through this one without that pinch of foresight.
No comments:
Post a Comment