Last night's GF column was probably very confusing for the people who didn't read the previous one. At any rate, tonight's is going to be me in bitchfest mode. Apologies in advance.
A few weeks ago I got a letter from the State of IL Drivers Services. It's the one I get every four years for my license renewal. When you get the same letter several times over the course of twenty-ish years you tend not to read it. You tend, instead, to put it aside for when you're ready to get the deed done.
For me that time was today. As I sat at a train crossing, waiting, I decided to read it because I hate doing nothing, and I'll read just about anything. There was a time I had the ingredients of Head and Shoulders memorized from toilet reading. So I read the letter, surprised to discover that the two forms of ID needed are different this time, and I would have had both forms if I hadn't taken my credit cards out of my wallet to remove the temptation to use them. (IL needs one for proof of signature.)
Not only that but nearly all of the DMV locations in my area now require appointments instead of just being able to walk in. That infuriated me because I have one week left to get my license renewed, and I had doubts that I would be able to get an appointment today. My only days off are Sundays and Thursdays. The DMV might be open on Sundays in an alternate universe where we don't have religion, but that is not *this* universe.
(Yes, I realize that if I'd read the letter sooner I would not be in this situation. I would argue that the reasonable thing would have been for IL to put, in big bold letters at the top of their missive, ATTENTION: THERE HAVE BEEN CHANGES TO OUR REQUIREMENTS. PLEASE READ THIS LETTER CAREFULLY. I shit you not, the letter has been identical for decades. I don't think the font even changed.)
To get an appointment I had to either call the number or go online. Whenever I can skip a phone call, I will do so. According to the website I was eligible to renew online! Which would have been great if it was actually true. But as I had, indeed, read the letter, I knew I had a vision test I had to take, and people who need to take those aren't allowed to renew online.
So I fucking called the phone number. And what was the first automated message I got? You can skip the phone call and do everything online! Ho-ho. And then it continued to give me all sorts of information I don't--or ever will-need. I'll have something else to say about that in a moment.
I got through to a person in a timely fashion, be still my beating heart. I asked for any appointments in Lombard today. Nothing. Call back tomor--
"That's impossible," I said. "How about Schaumburg?"
Nothing. Call back tomor--
"That's impossible. How about Addison?"
Nothing. Call back tomor--
Someone wasn't listening or didn't understand the definition of the word I was using. "That's impossible." Just to see if that word would catch on finally. I usually hate repeating myself, but I occasionally make an exception. "How about Westchester?"
"Are you 65 or older?"
Finally, a different response. Still not what I was looking for, but at least we're on a different part of the script now. "I'll be 47 this time next week."
You have to be a senior citizen for Westchester.
I accepted failure. "Is there anything in Lombard for next Thursday?"
Nothing.
"Schaumburg?"
Wide open.
So I got an appointment next week on a day I was hoping to do nothing that was necessary. Just stuff I wanted to do. It's not often I get my birthday off from work. Except my job at Call One. You got a free extra day off on your birthday there.
As if that wasn't enough of a fuckalizing fuckaloo I'm also running low on painkillers. Since my spinal injection didn't happen last week, I'm still in constant pain. I requested the refill last week when they canceled the procedure. I'm required by my insurance to use CVS (unless I want to pay full price for my meds, which is an effective form of corporate blackmail), but CVS has told me that these pills are on national back order. Which is a lie. As I've been through this before, it's on national back order for CVS and CVS alone. I called Walgreens to see if they had my pills. They did, but I was warned that supplies are limited. They can accommodate me if my prescription is only for 45 pills, which it is. I called the clinic and tried to get them to send the prescription over to Walgreens before they run out.
The doctor won't do it until he's done with his patients for the day. Fuck me.
By the way, I called Walgreens twice. One for fact-finding, one to see if my prescription arrived. Both times I had to weather their automated system. Can you guess what it started with? Whatever you're calling for, you can do it online! Which I would do because as someone who has worked jobs done via phone since 2007, I fucking hate talking on the phone. I wasn't a big fan of it before 2007, either.
The automated system also suggested that I skip talking to a person and do whatever I needed to do by, unfortunately, using said automated system. Which I would do IF I DIDN'T NEED TO TALK TO A FUCKING LIVING HUMAN GODDAM BEING.
I can't stress this enough: as someone who is literally on the phone for eight hours a day, I notice a lot of trends with IVRs. When someone is on the phone, chances are they need to talk to a person. I'm sure there are a few people in the world who hear this shit and go, "Oh, that's right! I can do this online!" But a majority of people need to speak with a person, and they need to speak with them ASAP. So giving everyone who calls in a massive infodump without giving them the option to skip it is inhuman. I would venture to say that it's cruel, too. It's bad enough that corporations are too big to care, but they feel the need to be cruel when it's completely unnecessary?
Stop with the info dumps. Or if you insist on having them, at the very least give us the option to skip it. Almost all of us are calling you because we *can't* do what we need to do online. Can't. Not won't. CAN'T. Dare I say, impossible? It would also be helpful if each option could be explained in less than three seconds by the AI robot you're using.
I swear to you I'm not a senior citizen, and I'm not yelling at a cloud. I'm raging against the machine?
In the interest of fairness I should say that Walgreens finally got my prescription. Just in time. My pills are waiting for me. I'll have to get them tomorrow, though. I have one pill left. I'll have to save it for when I get to work tomorrow. Talking on a phone for eight hours also requires sitting down for eight hours, and that's hell on my back. My new bed is pretty comfortable, so if I get myself in the right position I don't feel too much pain.
All right. I think I got that out of my system. I feel like I'm forgetting something, though. Oh yeah! BUTT MONTANA, ESQUIRE!
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