Friday, October 10, 2014


Have you ever taken a shit so clean that your ass didn't need to be wiped? I'm sure you have. It happens maybe once a month. More, if you're lucky. You can usually tell as soon as the turd leaves your body. Yet . . . just to be sure, you've got to still give your butthole a swipe, right?

Nothing gives me more pleasure than to take this kind of shit. But I'm also a very clean guy. When I give myself a quick wipe after one of those kinds of shits, I carefully examine the paper. Not at eye-level, but I'm pretty sure you know where I'm coming from. Sometimes, there's a slight bit of ass juice on there, and you've got to keep wiping until that's gone, but sometimes--SOMETIMES--you come away with a dry bundle of toilet paper.

For most people, that's good enough. Not for me, though. For as long as I can remember, there isn't a single instance of me taking a shit when I didn't wipe at least three times. I mean, you could miss something with the first wipe. It's even conceivable that you could miss something with the second. The third, though? If you haven't hit Texas tea by then, you should be in good shape.

Even if I don't squeeze anything out, I'll wipe three times. You never know how wet your fart was. It's like a safety precaution. You don't want to go about your day with a kinda-sorta wiped asshole. You want to be sure you're clean, especially if you're at work. You might be OK if you work at a shit factory, but any other place? Eh . . . play it safe.

By the way, lest ye fuckers think this post wasn't classy enough for you, I would like it noted that I wrote it while listening to Dean Martin songs. That guy classed EVERYTHING up. He could make Godzilla bukkake into a song your grandparents could enjoy.

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