Saturday, October 18, 2014


Do you know what one of the most wonderful feelings in the world is? OK, orgasm is high up on that list. Also, achieving one's goals is probably in the top five. The top three probably involves true love. But! One of the greatest things in life consists of something that not a lot of people talk about.

Ever since I had my gall bladder out, I've been plagued by awful farts. The problem is, some of them are so powerful that before I let them leave my body, they feel like they could be diarrhea shits. Every time I feel gas build up inside of me, I take my boxers' lives into my own hands when I try to push it out. For all I know, I could be punished with a quick squirt of shit instead of the glorious release of painful gas.

I try to pull myself back a little bit with the muscles in my anus. This helps a great deal. Then, there's the experimental push. Nothing strong, just enough to see if it's gas or shit.

As soon as I realize it's gas, I feel soooooooooo wonderful. Only then can I cut loose with an awful gasser. THAT is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

I've had a few close calls, but my sphincter always seems to recognize shit at the last second and closes up to avoid a potential accident long enough for me to find a bathroom. But as of yet, I've only shit myself once as an adult, and that one time was completely understandable. I was in the hospital dying of pancreatitis at the time. Thanks to the care of the doctors and nurses, I survived, and so did my boxers. It was only a slight slash of shit, something that could be easily cleaned even though I was incredibly high on painkillers at the time. (Maybe I'll talk about my love/hate of painkillers tomorrow night.)

So yeah. I'm thankful for all the times I could have sharted, but instead I let out mean farts. It's a fine thing to do, or get away with, or whatever.

However, the older I get, the less inclined I am to take the chance. These days, if I'm in doubt, I play it safe and go to the bathroom. I haven't been wrong yet, but I AM approaching middle age. Who knows? Hopefully my streak will continue. Wish me luck.

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