GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #226: WHEN TRUMP LOSES . . .

. . . and he will, I assure you. The first time I was aware of the political system was during the '88 election. That was the one and only time I've ever been wrong. My family was pro-Dukakis, so I figured I had to be, too. My grandfather is 100% Greek, and I suspect, in hindsight, that was the reason. I fully believed Dukakis would wipe the walls with Bush I. Whoops. In gambling that's known as betting your heart. Don't ever do that.


Every election since then I have considered everything very carefully. I was right about Bill Clinton twice. I was right about Bush II twice. I was right about Obama twice. And I'm going to be right about Hillary Clinton this year. I can't stand anyone on the ballot (except for maybe me, #VoteBruniDanger2016), but Clinton is the best qualified. She's a fucking sleazy politician. She knows so many underhanded techniques that no one else would be able to run this country. Hopefully Bill Clinton's slimy tendencies have rubbed off on her, and she'll do what no other president in recent memory has done: balance the fucking budget.


But Trump? I worry about the li'l fella. What's he going to do when he's proven to be a loser yet again. (Remember, this isn't his first presidential bid.) Well, anyone remember what Samuel Johnson said about patriotism? It's the last refuge of scoundrels. But patriotism is going to fail Trump yet again. Where do you go from rock bottom?


Correction: that is not rock bottom. There's something else he can become. Don't forget that Jordan Belfort, the infamous Wolf of Wall Street, has a career today despite the horrendous financial crimes he committed. How does he have a career? Simple: he went into public speaking.


I think Trump might have a future in that, but I don't mean just any ol' public speaking gig. I'm thinking he could do a PUA type thing. For those unfamiliar with this, PUA stands for Pick Up Artist. These are the scumbags who try to teach men how to worm into the pants of women. They're the ones who try to teach you the right way to say things like, "Nice pants. Think I can get in them?" Or, "I'm glad I brought my library card, because I'm checking you out." Etc.


Trump's first seminar could be titled HOW TO GRAB 'EM BY THE PUSSY AND GET AWAY WITH IT. Or maybe HOW TO BECOME SO FAMOUS YOU CAN KISS BEAUTIFUL WOMEN BEFORE YOU EVEN SAY HI. But it doesn't have to be limited to that. Maybe we can fit in a few like HOW TO MAKE EVERYONE THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN THEM. Or perhaps HOW TO NOT PAY TAXES FOR DECADES ON END. Or best yet, HOW TO MAKE EVERYONE THINK YOU HAVE MORE MONEY THAN YOU DO. Money's a tricky thing. Everyone depends so much on money that doesn't exist that George Carlin is right: without bullshit this country would fall apart.


(My favorite philosophy professor in college hated the word "potential." He demonstrated by holding out his empty hand. He said, "Right now I'm holding a potential sandwich." Every one of us who has a credit card is holding potential money. It doesn't really exist until you pay it off. *If* you pay it off. But that's *my* problem for now, I guess.)


When I was in high school I learned a very important lesson. We had an election in government class. It was me versus a thief versus a sex fiend. I decided I was going to run an honest campaign, and guess what? I came in last. That very important lesson I learned? You have to be a lowlife in order to win in American politics.


But more importantly you have to be a lowlife who knows how politics works. Trump is a so-called businessman and a self-professed outsider (which is a contradiction, by the way). Clinton, on the other hand, is a lifetime politician. She's slimy and a liar and etc. But she has experience, and that's why she's going to win. I'm all right with that, I guess. If anyone was going to win I'd rather it went to the underdog, Sanders. But that's never going to happen because he insists on being, well, honest.


So yeah. Trump, if you need help finding a job after this failed attempt at seizing the White House, give me a call. You've just got to sell me this pen first.