Cast of
Characters
JOHN, a
young man in jeans and a t-shirt.
ROB, a
wild-eyed youth dressed in black.
JEFF, a
thin man in well-pressed jeans and a South Park shirt.
MIKE, a
bit older than the others in black jeans and a blue work shirt.
JESSE,
huge and menacing with a skull and crossbones shirt.
CARL, a
young, prematurely balding man who always sweats nervously.
The
Setting
A campfire sits center stage.
Crushed beer cans are everywhere. Three tents are seen in the background, along
with bags and suitcases. Trees can also be seen behind the tents.
(Curtain rises. Rob and Jesse are playing their guitars fiercely. Their
music, though on acoustic guitars, is heavy and hard-hitting. They come to
their finale, and everyone cheers. They all drink deeply from their cans. Rob,
Jesse and Mike let out a chorus of belches, followed by hearty laughter.)
JEFF
That kicked ass, man.
(Rob is rubbing the tips of his left-hand fingers with a pained look on
his face.)
ROB
Fuck man. I think that’s enough
guitar.
JESSE
Agreed.
(Rob and Jesse put their guitars behind them and reach around the
campfire to shake hands.)
JOHN
Okay, now what?
ROB
I think it’s time for a story.
JEFF
Oh, c’mon. We hear enough stories
out of you.
MIKE
Hey, back off ‘im. I happen to like
the one about how he fucked the farm girl while fishin.
JEFF
All his stories are about fucking
and fighting.
MIKE
Ain’t nothing wrong with that.
So’re mine.
ROB
Besides, I’m not going to tell it.
I’ve provided enough entertainment for tonight.
JESSE
I’m not telling one, either.
(Rob turns his eyes on John. Soon everyone is looking at him.)
JOHN
I can’t think of anything.
ROB
Come on, John. You’re the
storyteller around here. You can think of something.
JOHN
Well, actually, I have an
interesting challenge for everyone, but I think you’re all too pussy to take me
up on it.
ROB
Fuck you, man. You know I’ll do it.
JESSE
What is it?
MIKE
You sayin’ I ain’t got the balls
for it?
JEFF
I gotta hear this.
JOHN
Okay. Wait a minute.
(John stands and walks to one of the bags. He reaches in and pulls out a
revolver. After closing the bag, he walks back and sits down.)
ROB
Holy fuck. Where’d you get that?
MIKE
Shit, that’s a big gun.
CARL
Why did you bring that?
ROB
(To Carl)
To shoot your ass.
(To John)
What’s with the gun?
JOHN
I don’t know. I’ve got a sick
fascination with guns, so I thought I’d bring it along. You know, entertainment.
CARL
There’s nothing entertaining about
guns. You should probably put that away.
JESSE
Are you kidding? Guns are
wonderful! They’re notorious for cleaning up our collective existence! Without
guns, there’d be more morons running around!
CARL
I don’t find that funny.
ROB
Because you’re a fucking headcase.
You worry about everything.
JEFF
Why’d you bring it?
JOHN
I figure we’re all drunk enough for
this.
JESSE
Oh yes! Drunken target practice
with live ammo! Thinking about the possible chaos makes me hard! When do we
start?
JOHN
It’s not target practice. You see
this?
(John reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bullet.)
MIKE
Jesus Christ, I ain’t that drunk.
Yet. ‘Course I see it.
JOHN
This gun is empty.
(He opens the cylinder and slides the bullet in. He closes the cylinder
and spins it.)
JOHN
Six of us. Six chambers. (Pause.) One bullet.
CARL
No! No way! This is crazy!
JEFF
Russian Roulette? Okay.
ROB
Sure.
JESSE
I love it! One shall die tonight!
MIKE
What the hell? All I’ve got to look
forward to is a lifetime workin’ in the fuckin’ fields.
CARL
I won’t do it.
ROB
Fuck you, pussy. You’re outvoted.
We’re all doing it.
JOHN
Besides, one of us will probably
get the bullet before the gun gets to you.
JESSE
Yeah! What’s the chance you’ll get it?
CARL
I’ll probably get it, anyway.
ROB
(forcefully)
You’re in. End of fucking story.
CARL
Just because—
ROB
Look, we’re all going to do it. If we risk it, so do you.
(Carl looks downtrodden, but he doesn’t argue further.)
JOHN
We’re all in, then? (Pause) Good.
(John cocks the hammer and points the gun at his head. Pause, then he
pulls the trigger. Click! He grins, then twirls the gun on his finger expertly.
After a few twirls, he turns the gun around using only one hand, so he’s
offering the butt to Rob, who takes it.)
ROB
One in five, huh? Damn good odds.
(Without hesitation, he cocks the hammer and puts the gun to his head.
He pulls the trigger. Click! He tries to twirl the gun, but it falls off his
finger and lands on his groin. Laughter from everyone except him. Rob tries to
catch his breath, clutching his balls. Jeff takes the gun as Rob calms down.)
JEFF
Twenty-five percent chance that
this is my last moment.
(Jeff takes a swig of his beer and throws the empty can away. He
hesitates to put the gun to his head.)
ROB
Come on! Do it!
JEFF
Wait a fucking minute! Jesus, are
you that eager to see my head explode?
(Laughter. Jeff opens another beer and guzzles it. He throws it away,
empty, before putting the gun to his head. He hesitates, opens his mouth and
lets loose a monster belch. More laughter.)
JESSE
Jesus, I thought he got it!
(More laughter. Finally, Jeff pulls the trigger. Click! He smiles
sheepishly before passing the gun to Jesse, who cocks it and points it at his
head.)
JESSE
OH JOY! The machinery known as
Death is handed to me with but three chambers left! Is this my last line? Is
this where I exeunt the stage of life with a bright red streak of—
ROB
(laughing)
Shut the fuck up and do it!
JESSE
Okay.
(Jesse pulls the trigger. Click! He twirls the gun and tries to turn it
around like John, but he only gets his finger caught. Mike laughs and takes the
gun.)
MIKE
Shee-it, this is a big gun. (Pause) Well boys, twenty-six years of
poverty down the drain.
(In one fluid motion, Mike cocks the hammer, puts the gun to his head
and pulls the trigger. Click! He deftly turns the gun around like John, shoving
the butt to Carl, who takes it. He had been smiling up until now. The smile
melts off his face.)
CARL
Uh, what are my chances?
JOHN
One in one, Carl.
CARL
So I’ve got the chamber with the
bullet in it?
JOHN
Yes.
(Carl puts the gun down in front of him.)
CARL
No way! I won’t do it!
ROB
We all risked our lives, Carl. Now
it’s your turn.
CARL
It can’t be! Why’d it have to be
me?
JOHN
Go on, Carl. You can do it.
ROB
Pick up the gun, Carl.
CARL
(sobbing)
No!
(Rob stands and walks around John until he’s in front of Carl. He sits
between the two and picks up the gun. He grabs Carl’s left hand and puts the
gun in it.)
ROB
Do it, Carl.
CARL
I can’t!
(Rob hefts Carl’s gun hand up so the gun is pressed against Carl’s left
temple. He even cocks the hammer for Carl.)
ROB
Yes you can. You just pull that
trigger, and this meaningless bullshit world is behind you. Consider yourself
lucky.
CARL
No!
ROB
(enraged)
We all put the gun to our heads!
Now it’s your turn! Do it, or I’ll pull the fucking trigger myself!
(Rob squeezes Carl’s hand when he says “myself,” which causes Carl to
panic and pull the trigger. Click!)
CARL
(screams)
NO! (Pause) What?
(Rob starts laughing while the rest of the group, except John, looks
shocked. John looks knowledgeable, but not in a joking manner. He reaches to
Carl’s hand and takes the gun back.)
JOHN
Take a close look.
(He cocks the hammer and holds it out in his right hand, barrel pointed
to the sky.)
CARL
I don’t get it.
MIKE
What the shit is this?
JOHN
Look at the firing pin.
(They all look closely, and Mike laughs.)
MIKE
What firing pin?
JOHN
Exactly. This used to be a real
gun, but the firing pin was filed away. Not only that, but the barrel is
stopped up on the cylinder side.
JEFF
So it can’t fire?
JOHN
Right. Not even if loaded.
JESSE
What fun is that?
MIKE
What’s with this shit?
CARL
I still don’t understand.
JOHN
Not many will, Carl, but there’s a
great deal of truth in what we just did.
MIKE
What? We played a fuckin’ game of
Russian Roulette. There ain’t no truth in that.
JESSE
Yeah, there is! It was a game to
scare the shit out of us! I love it! It’s brilliant!
JOHN
There’s more to it than that. A lot
more.
MIKE
Shee-it, boys. I think that’s all
for me. I’m turnin’ in.
CARL
Me, too.
(Mike stands and ambles off to a tent as Carl hurriedly scurries for
another.)
JEFF
I gotta piss. I’ll be back in a
couple of days.
JESSE
Great shit, John. I loved it, but
I’m getting some sleep.
(Jeff stands and walks into the woods. Jesse takes his guitar and heads
for the third tent. For a moment, John and Rob sit alone in silence.)
ROB
What a bunch of dipshits.
JOHN
Yeah. (Long pause) Did you know about the firing pin?
ROB
No. I thought you palmed the
bullet.
JOHN
Why?
ROB
Shit, John, I’ve known you for ten
years. There’s no fucking way that you would get us all to play real Russian
Roulette, no matter how drunk you are. And even if you did, you wouldn’t have
stood by and let Carl pull the trigger.
JOHN
(laughing)
You were really going at him.
ROB
That’s because I knew the gun
wouldn’t fire.
(Jeff returns from his piss and goes into the tent with Mike in it.)
JOHN
You know why I did it, right?
ROB
Because you’re a pretentious fuck, what
with you and your metaphors and shit. (Pause)
I think I’ll get to bed, myself.
(Rob picks up his guitar and starts toward the tent with Jesse in it.)
JOHN
Hey, wait! You’re not leaving me
the tent with Carl in it, are you?
ROB
Fuck yeah. You’re the one who
scared the piss out of him, so you sleep with him.
JOHN
You were the one who made him pull
the trigger!
ROB
And you were the one who let me.
JOHN
Fuck.
(John checks the chambers of the gun, then turns to Rob, who is about to
get in the tent.)
JOHN
You would’ve gotten it.
ROB
What do you mean?
JOHN
The bullet. It was in your chamber.
ROB
Really? (Pause) Fuck. Good thing you were too much of a pussy to use a real
gun.
(Rob enters the tent as John gives him the middle finger. Moments later,
Rob’s bare ass flashes out of the tent flaps.)
JOHN
(shields his eyes from the horror)
Jesus!
ROB
(spreading his ass cheeks, giving the
impression he’s talking through them)
Feed me, Seymour!
(Rob farts and then vanishes.)
JOHN
Could’ve done without that.
(John leans back on his hands, watching the fire. Rob’s head pokes out
from the tent flaps, sniffing.)
ROB
Beefy.
(He disappears again as John laughs.)
JOHN
Could’ve done without that, too.
(Curtain falls, but not before Rob can get the last word in.)
ROB
Come on! You know you love it!
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