Wednesday, June 6, 2018

THE JOHN BRUNI MUSEUM OF MEDIOCRE (AT BEST) SHIT #50: FUCKED!

[Here's another one intended for the Suburban Ghetto. I asked the editor if I could be the opinions columnist, and he said sure. But it couldn't just be me. I had to adopt a persona. What happens when you read too much Spider Jerusalem, Hunter S. Thompson, HL Mencken and Mike Royko? You get Dr. Jonah Chaos. Those of you who have issue one of Tabard Inn will also know what the good doctor looks like. The ad for IT'S A PARASITE NOT A CHOICE? That's Dr. Chaos holding that gun to a baby's head. Anyway, I wrote one other opinions column before I realized that these things weren't going anywhere. The other is pretty substandard, but I did manage to state what the FCC really stands for (Fuckin' Cocks and Cunts). Oh yeah, and the reference to the mayor in this piece? I wrote an interview between Chaos and the mayor. It's crazy. There is a lot of violence and sodomy in it, but it's really shitty, so I won't be posting it.]



The President of the United States visited your parents’ home and fucked your mother. Now what do you think of the sex scandals surrounding Willy Squinton? Apathetic now, are you? Just the Prez doing some fucking, huh? He just wants to lay a little pipe. Yeah, well, he’s laying a little pipe in your mother.

I know what you’re thinking: there goes Chaos again, spouting crazy shit. But you don’t understand. I’m not lying. Squinton visited Elmhood yesterday, and he went from household to household, fucking all the women in town, including your mother. What’s that? Your mom is dead? He dug her up and violated her corpse. I saw him, and so did the rest of this shit-crusted city.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

What am I doing? I apologize. I’m new to the Suburban Ghetto, and this is my first opinions column? I’ve been having difficulties with the mayor, and I didn’t have the time to come up with a proper column. I promise, the others will be better, but my drug-addled mind can’t take the mayor with this thing on top of it.

Sorry. The next one will be cleaner (maybe) and longer (definitely).

But don’t get me wrong—Squinton would fuck your mother if he got the chance.

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